Young Writers Society

Today was Friday, one of the luckiest days of my life. Mr.Crowman our 7th grade teacher, spoke during geometry class as his saliva droned under his lower lip. It was 10:15 am and in a few minutes class would be dismissed. Time flew by as the clock ticked, "Tick Tock Tick Tock." As Mr. Crowman attempted to talk about our up-coming Track & Field race the clock froze, then stuttered when it suddenly let out a piercing screech. "Ding! Ding!" it vibrated noisily. Our class covered their ears. Mr. Crowman banged his head loudly against his desk calling out, "Attention! Attention!" talking quieter he continued, "We will be having the Track & Field race on Saturday. I will be expecting all of you to come there . But remember to sign-up first!" Beaming happily Mr. Crowman trudged out of the classroom, just as the class was running to the sign-up board. Mrs. Chasefield nervously handed out flyers for the race. People were always running into her. As I approached her to get flyers for Stephanie, Emily, and I , Monica shoved me. "Too slow!" she exclaimed mockingly, getting flyers for herself and her best friend Keisha. Keisha snickered with Monica as they left the hallway. "Don't worry. Someday she'll get the worst luck ever . Treating you like a piece of meat I ought'a ------" paused Stephanie, shoving her fist into the air. " What Stephanie's trying to say is that Monica doesn't deserve an athletic,hysterical friend like you. Based on what I've seen, she's the meanest girl in school." Emily interrupted, lowering Stephanie's fist. " Since 3rd grade." Stephanie and I said together, chuckling with Emily as I grabbed flyers for the three of us. " 4:30-7:30 p.m. Water botles are $2 each." The flyers read. Stephanie giggled, "We seriously need a different student to type these out!" pointing at the spelling of bottle. All of a sudden, my dad's horn honked. He pressed his hand against the car horn, signaling it was time to go. " Bye Stephanie & Emily!" I called out, stepping into my dad's car. They waved back , shouting "Bye Gabby!" When my dad & I reached home, I unpacked my things , leaving a mess on the floor and ran up the flight of stairs to take a warm bath to be relaxed before the race tomorrow

A couple of things.

In your first sentence you say

Today was Friday, one of the luckiest days of my life.

Perhaps you should say; Today was Friday, soon to be one of the luckiest days of my life.

This is the hook, it makes the reader want to know what is coming next.

The next sentence;

Mr.Crowman our 7th grade teacher, spoke during geometry class as his saliva droned under his lower lip.

I'm not sure I like that, as his saliva droned under his lower lip? Droned is usually used for a boring voice, or a long winded speech, not for saliva. Try rearranging the words in that sentence.

"Mr Crowman, our 7th grade teacher, spoke during Geometry class, his voice droning on, saliva falling of his lower lip."

10:15 AM? Why was her Dad picking her up then? In most places you just need to add a little bit more description and sentence structure.

But I am intrigued as to the Title of the story. Perhaps you should give a little hint in your story as to why the Title is called what it is (For us curious readers :p).

I am interested to see where this is heading, please write on my profile if you would like any more feedback.

I like this story a lot, and I can tell that you are going to make more for it because of the name of the post

One thing that is like my pet-peeve, it took me a while to read it because it was all in a big clump of writing. There are no paragraphs. maybe you don't like paragraphs or something lol, but it really does make the story easier to read and more flowing.

Also, try slowing down and putting a little more "spacious" details, or details that kind of slow down the story.