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Sat Nov 05, 2011 8:51 pm
AwesomeEm says...



“Ahhhh!” Shouted my eldest sister as the pack of demon-wolves came right through the window crashing it to pieces with out a scratch on them; they charged towards us with that snappy snarl; I found it kind of funny. I know in a situation like this, I shouldn’t laugh at my eldest sister; she is eighteen and I’m fifteen. You’d think, it’d be the opposite: that I would be the one afraid and my sister the one collection things and protecting me as the demon-wolves charged on the roof through the window. Nope, because as they charged I was busy gathering my collection of daggers, swords, sling shots, guns, and more. I put them in my bag and kept out just one sword—the one from my dad that I got when I was nine.
They crashed right through the window and charged after my sister. Yes, my old, pathetic, wimpy, sister, who stood in the middle of the room, frozen. I pushed her to the side and slashed one of them with my sword cutting that wolf in half. Then I went towards the others and frantically tried to save my sister, trying to kill all thirteen of the nasty Yurshiba. The Yurshiba—those weird average dog sized animals with spiked tails, faces without eyes, and colorful wings that shoot poison intentionally. And if you touch their wings ever so slightly, it’s like a black mamba’s bite only ten times more painful and an even slower death! Then I realized they do not die! That the one I cut in half just collected it’s self together!
I grabbed my sister, put her on my back, ran out the window, and jumped off the roof as she was yelling at me, “You idiot! You should of stayed home! You shouldn’t have done something like that! You could have been killed!” I rolled my eyes. As I jumped the ditch, I dropped her. I grabbed her arm roughly and looked her in the eyes.
“Idiot? I scoffed, “you were the one who looked like an idiot standing there frozen, mouth wide open. What were you expecting? Some cute boy to save you? For sure they would have killed you.” I rolled my shoulders and stretched. I ran down the stream looking for dinner.
“Fletcher!” my sister shouted. I always hated that my name sounds like a boy name. Fletcher.
“Fletcher, don’t run from me!” she ran to catch up with me, and tried to grab me but I yanked away from her weak hands. Those foolish pale hands that trembled with fear.
“I’m not running. I’m getting dinner.” I said in my casual voice. She looked disgusted.
“Dinner? Just because you’ve been through this before doesn’t mean we can just be all casual about it. We should talk about this.”
“What’s there to talk about, eh?” I raised one shoulder and made a I-don’t-know signal.
“Why do you take the most serious situations so silly?” She said trying to act superior when she’s the weakest person I know.
Affirmative, we’ve been through this before. Her and her ‘discussion’ thing had gotten old on me a long time ago. Why should we talk of lies? She never wants to face the truth.

This all started five years ago, I was ten. Dad died and his death continues to be a mystery to us. I never had a mom, and my sister doesn’t remember much about her. My dad’s the one who taught me all I know about the creatures and how to fight. The morning he died they started coming; these creatures I though never existed. I always wondered why he taught me that stuff. Then that day, I suddenly knew. Since then I’ve been fighting to stay alive. My sister, Aneata, doesn’t know a thing since she never took interest in Dad’s training sessions. She’s that typical valley girl so she depends on me. She always lied about how strong and how much better she was, pish! But it’s all a lie!
Rain began to poor down on us as we stood there looking for food. A strong wind picked up and heavy drops flew into our eyes. Each rain drop felt like a needle driving though my jacket, trying to get in.
“You want to know why, Aneata? Huh?” I asked.
“Yeah I want to know!” She says now sopping wet from the rain and shivering from the cold. I gave her my jacket and pull her into the trees’ protection.
“Because then it makes this fun! As do I.” Aneata laughed.
“Fun?” She goes back to a serious boring face. “How can you laugh when you’re near death? You hide behind me you don’t go a fight!” I smiled, shook my head and said in my fake understanding voice.
“You know I would but I’m not on a suicide mission, you know. I’m on a sur-viv-el mission. I’ll hide behind you when I want to die. Thanks for the invite.” My voice dripped with sarcasm as I replied. I turned to walk away and said in my lowest voice, “You’re too weak. You just freeze up and do nothing.”
I never got to dinner, thanks to Aneata. So I just built a fire near her in the driest spot I could find. The trees were quite thick so it was pretty easy to do. Then I went to sleep far away from her—in the rain. For some reason, I don’t get sick. I get cold and hot but not sick…
I never really slept. I can’t sleep since it all started.
A six o’clock, I woke my sister up who was talking some shit about a cute young boy who asked her out. Blah, blah, blah. I kicked her in the knee, “Yo, crazy girl! Wake up it’s six; we’ve gotta move!” I snapped my fingers as I kicked her repeatedly. I knew she could feel it; she was just waiting for the right moment to wake up. “Owwo stop it! That hurts!” She began waking up.
“Yeah, yeah. Just get up!”
“I’m starting!” She acted like a beauty queen. I started down the road and we grabbed berries as we went. To make things worse, Aneata is a picky person in everything (except cute boys that is). So she takes like fifteen minutes to inspect one berry.
I walker ahead and left her lagging behind. I climbed to the tip of a tree to see where we were. Instead, I heard something worse than I expected. They can turn invisible, my dad told me. I jumped down the tree and grabbed Aneata.
“Come on, let’s go!”
“But my berry is almost perfected!” she cried out looking very intently at her berry.
“Now!” I shouted and grabbed her harder.
Run. Now. Fast!” I ran off the path and hid her in a ditch which wasn’t such a good idea. She can take it if it’s dark but otherwise—no. So I had to find a way to get her tangled. I tangled her to the ground using mud and sticks. It wouldn’t last, but it would delay her for a few minutes!
“Ew, ew, what are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! What if I get it in my hair and my nails?” She wailed.
I cimbed up another tree and got my bow and arrows ready to catch the poison on the monsters’ wings’ tips for the future. It wasn’t easy since they heard me and just turned invisible. I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m dead! Crap! Think Fletcher, think think! What the hell could I do? Got it! I dug into my bag, got the sling shot and the small scotk bottle. Scotk is a strong smelling kind of plant that makes the environment smell only like the scotk. I prepared it; I only had 30 seconds. I stood up on a weak branch and pulled half the rubber back and released. Within five seconds I couldn’t hear them! Seems like a movie huh? Just in time. I anly just missed the wing poison as the weak branch I was siting on broke, falling 60 feet. I treated it like nothing. I climber fast and I’ve got wicked jumping skills. Sometimes, I think I’m abnormal.
But bad news… “My sister!” I ran and ran to only find her sleeping in the guck! Ew! I suddered. I may be a tomboy but sleeping it that—ew. I shivered all over again.
“Yo, crazy girl, Aneata! Anneeaatttaa! Wake up already!” I can’t believe this, I rolled my eyes. IA nocturnal sister never changes, but we had to move! I dug into my bag to find my sling shot. I grabbed a berry---or perhaps four. I gently placed the berries in the band. It wasn’t easy but I had fun. I circled around Aneata till I was right in from of her. I aimed…Splat! It got all over her face. It looked like she had a black eye and dried blood on her shirt. She woke up baffled and annoyed—as always.
“Hey!” She was pissed.
“Ha ha ha. He he he!” I fell to the ground laughing. I was laughing so hard it hurt. I had to stop but it never got old! I tried my hardest to stop and look at her seriously but it was so hard! Sometimes I laugh at the smallest things. I collected myself together finally. Aneata got herself up and tried to hit me, but I passed to the side and started walking—her aim was awful!
We becan walking through the forest off the path and past streams, tree, and the other usual. Aneata walked into a spider web and began going crazy tring to get it off—her luck just sucks.
“Fletcher, I’m so tired! I want to sleep for at least ten minutes. Please?”
“One more mile, we’re almost there.” By then she was about to fall into the river. I grabbed her arm and pulled her to the side before letting go.
Aish, come on stay awake weakling.” I looked right at her as I glanced over my shoulder. Ah great, at least she’s getting better about where she sleeps but… I lifted her up onto my shoulders. Bugs are so annoying flying—flying in my face---yeah, I’ll teach them a lesson sooner or later.
We passed villagers on the path. I waved hello and felt supper embarrassed. Ok, I’ve got a drop-dead girl of a sister on my shoulders, I’m tired, hungry, and pissed. I finally decided to just leave her behind.
Awesomeness is awesome.
~Awesome Em
  





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Sat Nov 05, 2011 9:34 pm
KingLucifer says...



This is a great story, I really like what you have here. it seems spontaniously chaging parts from demon wolves to sleeping in the outdoors to some gaint bird out of no where. I say you should learn to pace the sotry better and try to explain a little more on each of the back stories. And I get your trying to add humer to the story but insults just don't work here. and where does this take place exactly I know it's out door's but is there an exact place? all and all great plot just learn to pace things better.
An angel, a knight, a man who will bring light to where there is only darkness, I am the Morning Star, the Bringer of Light, hail to me as I am King Lucifer!

Formerly: Avalon
  





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Sun Nov 06, 2011 1:57 am
ingrid596 says...



To whom the writer of which it may concern:


Overall i think that the plot has been slightly pieced together for this one chapter.I do admit i like this more than any other single piece adventure story than ever. A positive note is that it brings tension action struggle and battleship between characters. The back story of the girls' parents grew on me. It touched me. I enjoyed that paragraph. For your writing, i think present tense format would be best. Liven those words somehow in the beginning where the demon wolves take action. Somehow this piece does not fit with demon-wolves for me. Maybe because there isn't a neat description of them. Besides their name, you can identify them as 'unordinary parasite,beastly creatures'. Check. But do we know their looks? Their language?Their power? Their posessions? Their goal to accomodate once they prey upon the two girls? That's whaat i'd like to know. In the beginning two paragraphs you described how Fletcher the narrator grabs a listing of this this this and this and MORE. Don't just tell it , show it. Paint a picture where she strikes the cold blade in her fingers and slays the beast. But not in those exact words. You want to feel the sweat beading across the protaganist, the creature forming as its body never decays, never decays. This piece is very well-rounded. I can't say just by looking at this one chapter it will be a best selling novel. We'll have to read more shall we?

Second of all, understanding emotions of the characters are huge pictures. I have to congradulate you on that note--it was narvelous how the sister's frigid, empty figure stood at the house where the demon-wolves pounced; the fierceness the braveryof Fletcher as she seizes her in a sauntering split. How could i have read that in all of one paragraph? I was reading between the lines.

I would like to add that dialogue is vaguely crucial; indention is prior to key; second to that comes good accent or follow up of what the speaker is trying to say. 'Said' is used so commonly. Mix and match-it-up.Do not overtly repeat words or it becomes too repititive which fortunately i saw fewly in this book. But i wish you well. And i hope you finish this soon. I have grown a huge liking

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Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:53 am
natemg says...



i think its a great story but the way you wrote it makes it a lil hard to read
  








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