z

Young Writers Society


City of Snow



User avatar
6 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1259
Reviews: 6
Sun Oct 23, 2011 7:35 pm
forstoriessake says...



A/N: This is the first time I've written anything in quite a while, so bear with me! It's the first draft of an introduction to a bigger story, that I haven't written yet as I'm still fiddling with some of the finer details. Any feedback at all would be greatly appreciated!


---


The snow was cold beneath me. Very cold. It soaked through my thin summer dress and seeped through my body, chilling my bones and numbing my limbs. It was so cold that it slowly began to awaken me from my unconsciousness, of which the cause was unknown.

I didn't know how long I'd been curled up in the snow. It was dark when I opened my eyes, a vast expanse of inky black sky stretched up above me, illuminated by only a sparse scattering of stars. I could see no moon.

Slowly, my senses started to return and my brain began to function properly. As properly as it could given the circumstances I'd found myself in. I sat up violently as I registered the bitingly cold snow, my breath came in gasps and my hair was soaking wet. My whole body shivered as I stood up, but I wasn't too worried. You see, as I stood up, I noticed the strangest thing. The air was warm. There was a thick blanket of snow on the ground, and little flakes of it danced down from the sky every now and again, but the air was warm. There was no wind like you'd expect for winter, just a warm summer temperature that warmed me. It really was strange, the floor and snow was icy like it should be, but the temperature was like stepping into a busy house with a roaring fire. Strange.

Looking around, I soon realised that I was far from home. I couldn't remember where I'd come from, how I'd gotten to wherever 'here' was, but I might as well try to find out. I found myself in the middle of the peak of a hill, accompanied only by a solitary oak tree, standing sentinel to my left. The horizon was astounding. So foreign and confusing, but something inside of me felt different when I looked around. It was a strange feeling, like a mixture of yearning for adventure, the feeling of coming home, and the homesick ache of being somewhere you didn't want to be.

Directly in front of me was a vast city. The snow tumbled off the hill and led on to a cobbled road, which led to a wooden archway with writing across it, too far away in the darkness for me to read. Beyond this archway, small houses lined the streets which formed an intricate network of passages and pathways all illuminated by glowing lanterns. There was something obviously different about this city. There were no cars, no skyscrapers, no bright lights like you'd see in London or New York, no. This was like a city from the past. I began to wonder just where - and when - I was. The most imposing component of this intriguing new place, however, lay along the far edges of the city, the furthest I could see. A daunting white castle lined the horizon. Long battlements stretched out across the horizon at each side, each ended by a small mountain, visibly topped with snow. The castle seemed to glow with a soft sheen that seemed to resonate from within the walls. It was a mesmerizing sight, but foreboding. A castle meant there was somebody in charge, somebody powerful, and there was something not quite natural about it.

To my left, and to my right, enclosing the city was a forest. It seemed to stretch for miles, all behind the snowy hill as far as my eyes could see. It was a terrifying forest. White snow radiated bright light, unnatural bright light, whilst the trees were jet black and solemn. They had no leaves, only dark branches forming thick patterns over the snow.

Everything about this strange place was new. I didn't recognise anything, and yet I had the strangest feeling that I'd been here before.

I hadn't realised until then that my feet were bare and turning a worrying shade of blue. I had no option but to venture towards the city, and try to find help. Maybe a stranger turning up in the night with no recollection of how they got there or where they were from was normal for them, I guessed I'd have to find out somehow. I decided to try and see if I could tentatively walk down the front of the treacherous hill. Slowly, with tiny steps, I began the descent. The snow hardened under my weight and became slippery, and with nothing to hold on to, I soon lost my footing. The ground seemed to rush up towards me and my face hit the cold slope. My body twisted and tumbled down the hill, snagging on small stones and disorientating me until I sprawled on to flat, uneven ground. I lay there for a minute, letting my heartbeat find its way back to normal. It was a few more minutes than I'd planned before I rose to my feet and surveyed my scarily close surroundings. The snow was thinner on this cobbled pathway, though still untouched, as if nobody has passed this way since it had fallen. It was eerie, the night was dark and I was alone, with no option but to make my way to the wooden archway.
I am accustomed to sleep and in my dreams to imagine the same things that lunatics imagine when awake. ~ Rene Descartes
  





Random avatar


Gender: Male
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Sun Oct 23, 2011 7:49 pm
Bloodhound says...



I enjoyed this story very much. I think it is worthy to be a novel.
  





User avatar
24 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 566
Reviews: 24
Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:28 am
JCK says...



It was so cold that it slowly began to awaken me from my unconsciousness.


I really don't like this sentence. I don't know why, and it's just my opinion.

It was so cold that it slowly began to wake me from my unconsciousness.

Sounds better, in my opinion.

It was so cold, that it began to slowly awake me from my unconscious state.

Hm.

I didn't know how long I'd been curled up in the snow. It was dark when I opened my eyes, a vast expanse of inky black sky stretched up above me, illuminated by only a sparse scattering of stars. I could see no moon.


In contrast to my last nitpick, I really liked this.


Slowly,


You just used slowly, try something else!

The air was warm. There was a thick blanket of snow on the ground, and little flakes of it danced down from the sky every now and again, but the air was warm. There was no wind like you'd expect for winter, just a warm summer temperature that warmed me. It really was strange, the floor and snow was icy like it should be, but the temperature was like stepping into a busy house with a roaring fire. Strange.


Come on. There's emphasis and then there's annoyingly noticeable repetition. I suggest you try to diversify your vocabulary when writing. Nothing is worse than watching an author repeat the same adjective over and over.

Looking around, I soon realised that I was far from home. I couldn't remember where I'd come from, how I'd gotten to wherever 'here' was, but I might as well try to find out.


I believe that part is in the wrong tense. You're talking in the past, I think Past Perfect, since you're talking about what you have/had done. The emboldened text is in Present tense, or at least that's the way it reads. I won't correct it for you, as I might be wrong. But take a look at it.

Directly in front of me was a vast city. The snow tumbled off the hill and led on to a cobbled road, which led to a wooden archway with writing across it, too far away in the darkness for me to read.


I really like the sudden snap of imagery I got here, the way you just announce a fantastic image into a reader's mind is brilliant. However, I would say again, don't repeat words so much.

To my left, and to my right, enclosing the city was a forest. It seemed to stretch for miles, all behind the snowy hill as far as my eyes could see. It was a terrifying forest. White snow radiated bright light, unnatural bright light, whilst the trees were jet black and solemn. They had no leaves, only dark branches forming thick patterns over the snow.


Again, great imagery. You definitely have a talent for description.

Words that you re-use too much (throughout):

Strange
Horizon
Cold

Overall though, with a little bit of editing and changing a few of the unnecessary repeated words that I've mentioned, this is actually really great. Your writing flows extremely well, and as I've said; your descriptive talent is marvelous. I have no problem with anything actually said, just with some of the words you used. Keep writing.

~JCK.
The most wondrous sight I've ever seen is the sight of the sun in the sky.We are some of the lucky few who are allowed to exist; does that not make it all worth it?

a chance to understand?
  





User avatar
136 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Tue Nov 01, 2011 12:50 am
Leahweird says...



Why is she out in the snow in a sundress? These are the kinds of questions that hook me right away. The fact that this one never does get answered intrigues me. However, I do agree with the poster above that there is a lot of repetition. Specifically the word snow gets used A LOT. Some of this is by necessity, but my major critique would be to see if you can't find some other way to refer to the fluffy white stuff as much as possible.
  








I wouldn't think "impossible" was even in your vocabulary.
— Sharpay Evans, High School Musical