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Young Writers Society


Into the Darkness



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93 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 302
Reviews: 93
Sat Oct 22, 2011 2:25 am
Nightlyowl says...



Black crystal skies with pure twinkling lights flickering aqua blue and fiery reds, they were dull yet bright and full of life. Against the ebony blackness, was the mass on the horizon, jagged charcoal trees with drifting orbs dancing and swaying on the chilled night air, flashing their bright yellow colors against the duller gray. The sweet smell of cold mountain air drifted on the wind catching the undulating orbs as they danced to the night’s silent symphony, keeping their rhythm steady. Randomly, the lights would break the darkness, blinking steadily, fireflies. The tiny hair on my arms rose with goose bumps as another light breeze froze my bare legs, tanned and warm from the morning’s sun. My heart beat rapidly in my chest; the fresh and raw wildness of the night filled me with the sense of freedom. Yet my head remained clear as the knowledge of the stars and the tales of the constellations came back to the front of my mind from the hidden depths of my brain. It made me realize how small I truly was how meaningless all my troubles were when there was… all of this.

There was something mysterious yet amassing about it all and it made me feel light headed. I shivered at a sudden chill seeped into my bones. The wind stirred the silhouetted trees, making a “shh shh shh” sound as leafy fingers knocked into one another. In the distance the sound of a wolf echoed throughout the mountain, it was a sad and lonely sound, alone wolf howling. Wondering why the wolf was alone, I closed my eyes, breathing in the heady scent of a cold night. It had a distinct and fresh smell to it that I adored. My back arched as the wind cut through my tank top and bit into my skin. My arms reached up into the air as if I could grab hold of one of the many stars, if I could just grab one, would it be missed? I didn’t think so, there were thousands. I could see the Milky Way as clear as day in the darkness, a white thick line against the black sky. Spinning in a circle, I threw my head back and smiled it was a smile that would match the night, elegant and deadly. Soft grass was below my feet, the dirt beneath, still warm from the sun. It was all so beautiful and magical. On nights like this, I was able to believe that there was a world better than this, a world full of fairies and vampires, werewolves and witches. Such stories had to be true, because only magic could have brought the night to life like this.

Then the porch light flicked on and some of the stars faded, as if shied by the light. I didn’t blame them. The light had a completely opposite feeling to it, and even though the night was elegant and magical, the day time was… stronger. Somehow the night was fragile, as if it would break into thousands of pieces. The stars and the moon would shatter and rain crystal shards onto the ground, like falling rain covering the ground like ice. I turned to see my older brother in the doorway, a black shadow against the golden light of the house. A wave of artificial warmth swept over me and my nose wrinkled. I didn’t like the smell of fake heat. Compared to the fresh scent of the night, and of the day, it seemed wrong and hollow.

“Are you coming in?” He asked his voice deep and calming. My racing heart slowed and I turned back to look at the shadowy trees on the horizon. If the night was a man, his voice would be like my brothers, I thought, calm and reassuring, proper and elegant. I nodded and then tentatively smiled into the darkness and then went to the door. My brother held it open as I plunged myself into my prison, my cage, my home feeling eyes on my back in the darkness. I had pushed that feeling away, thinking it was only the night fever. But it wasn’t, it was powerful, with something behind it I would never have understood.
Last edited by Nightlyowl on Sat Oct 22, 2011 3:03 am, edited 2 times in total.
~Nightlyowl
  





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78 Reviews



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Sat Oct 22, 2011 2:30 am
davantageous says...



WOW. Where hace you been all this time.? First, my hat is off to you for pulling this off. Second, yo deserve respect for putting gemstone colors in the story. I am currently researching gemstones, hence the comment.
Black crystal skies with pure twinkling lights flickering aqua blue and fiery reds, they were dull yet bright and full of life.

Great contrast in the colors. I love it. The imagery produced from reading just the first line, caught my attention.
Davantageous
  





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Reviews: 41
Sat Oct 22, 2011 2:34 am
klotrox16 says...



Well I loved the imagery and vivid use of adjectives, but I have a few concerns. First, in this sentence you misused a semicolon when it should've been a simple comma:
Against the ebony blackness, was the mass on the horizon; jagged charcoal trees with drifting orbs dancing and swaying on the chilled night air, flashing their bright yellow colors against the duller gray.
Some of your sentences were very unclear, like this one for instance:
Randomly, the lights would break the darkness.
What lights? What do you mean by "randomly"? I felt like you had a choppy flow at times, especially in this line, and that you should read over your work aloud and make sure not to over-use adjectives or put strange wording together:
The tiny hair on my arms rose with goose bumps as another light breeze froze my bare legs, tanned and warm from the morning’s sun.
I think your strongest sentence was this one right here; it held and even flopw and beautiful imagery:
My heart beat rapidly in my chest; the fresh and raw wildness of the night filled me with the sense of freedom. Yet my head remained clear as the knowledge of the stars and the tales of the constellations came back to the front of my mind from the hidden depths of my brain. It made me realize how small I truly was how meaningless all my troubles were when there was… all of this.
As far as content goes, you had a very vague plot. It seemed like you didn't have much of a plot at all. Right when the voice spoke you ended it; just as something interesting was about to happen. You should have developed that, or at least turned this into a series, because it just doesn't work as a short story in the its current form. I hope I wasn't too harsh!
Sincerely,
Klotrox
In memory of 1411
  








What will live longer, you or your words? Something to think about the next time you abandon a project...
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