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Young Writers Society


Starting my fantasy story, please read



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Points: 890
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Sat May 13, 2006 6:45 am
kermitdefrog says...



Until I think of names, I'm using FFT names :D.

"I can still see it. Those cold, dark eyes. That hateful glare of inevitable revenge, and the sad acknowledgment of unintentional betrayal. Twice have I seen this glare, once years ago, and now paved in my imagination as I lie on my deathbed, drifting more and more towards darkness every second time passes.

“Sunny days. Here, they are few and far between, but that makes them all the more beautiful,” my friend says. There was me, Ramza, and my best friend since as far back as I can remember, Delita. We were walking in a rather poor town, one of those where not having clothes stained with feces or blood. Not to get recognition of course, I was simply a soldier for the Royal Family, and Delita simply a traveler who slept wherever he could. We were on our way to Dorter Trade City, the market place of Verona, our home. I had received payment today for my services to the family. It was a small payment, only about 200 shillings, but I should be grateful, as the family has provided me with a home in the castle, as well as food, thanks to my brother, that is Galandrius, being one of the head Knights for the Family. Becoming a Knight, that’s always been my dream. An inept one Galandrius says, but mine none-the-less.
Whenever I tell him of my dream, he simply shakes his head and says “Oh Ramza, you think too fast. You don’t have the attitude nor the courage to fight as a true Knight. Stay as what you are, or become a Jester, or something along those lines..”
“Brother, you have paid little attention to me over the years, how would you know my personality?”
“Ramza, you just don’t realize how much I keep an eye on you. I raised you, I tried to shape you into a figure of mine, but instead you simply insist on being somewhat of a Rebel, and a misfit to the Family. Unless you show strong maturity before you strike the age of 18, I suggest you don’t get too hopeful.”
I was deep in thought and mild hatred when Delita tapped me on the shoulder. “You alright, brother?” he asked with concern deep in his voice. “You look like someone has hit you upon the skull with a blunt mace, you do!”
“I’m fine” I responded despondently. “Just..deep in thought you could say.”
“I understand” Delita said through laughter. “Happens to me often, but don’t stay in thought too long, I can see the horizons of Dorter from here!”
I smiled at him, one of those false reassuring smiles that I doubt he actually believed. “Yes, what do you plan to spend your gold on?”
“HAH!” he responded in that fake laugh of his. “Gold is not something I see much of in these days, at least not in my possession. I was thinking of snatching some of those chicken pies from that bakers stand, not sure. I am hungry though, that apple I had on the road didn’t help much.”
We continued to walk quietly, observing the nature all around us until
"
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 44
Sat May 13, 2006 8:12 pm
blob says...



i thought this was great , but there aer efew stuff you need to change;

you wrote it in too much detail, ant your adjectives were too long and complicated

when you were riting it , it seemed lke yu were trying to fit all your vocabulary in one sentence

devide youre paragrafs, but this is only my opinion

on the all you got 7outof10 . thats good by my standaeds :D

gudluk with ure next thing!
From palistine and proud of it
  





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Tue May 16, 2006 12:15 am
Dream Deep says...



Was it supposed to end at 'until' or was that a glich? If it was a glich, that's fine, no harm no foul, but... uh... if it isn't... I'd sort of do something about it.

Anyway. Awkwards moment over. Very good on the opening paragraph - the description of the glare, the feelings behind it, drew me right in.

A little thick. A little hard to read and follow. Maybe insert spaces.

Pretty good, though, kermit. ^_^

Hey blob - lol, you like saying "gudluk with ure next thing", don't you? 8)
  








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