Young Writers Society

She sighed. She was supposed to be at her 16th birthday party tonight. It was at her castle and her best friends had planned it as a “surprise party” for her, but she found out anyways. She wasn’t at her party though. In fact she couldn’t tell where she was. She couldn’t see anything because her vision was blurry and she had a really bad head ache. So instead of trying to see she felt around her. To her it felt like she was in a stone room, a rigid stone room. She felt her ankles too and found that there were chains on them.

Then there was a high pitch, loud screeching sound. She suddenly realized that it was her dragon. “You better leave Crystal alone or I’ll tear you to shreds!!!” yelled Emani. Then she sounds of her dragon started to faded until all was silent again. Tears welled in her eyes as she tried to fight them back, but to no avail. The tears streamed down her face as she thought about her lost dragon. Her sobs were barely heard in the room. The crying made her head ache worse. It took her a while, but she finally stopped crying. Then she noticed that her vision was somewhat cleared.

She frantically looked around and saw that she was right. She was in a rigid, dimly lit stone room. The stones that made the walls were the darker shades of blue and grays and blacks. She looked for the light source. The faint was coming for torches that were widely spaced apart. They were torches bolted into the wall. The holder that held the torches seemed to be finely carved with great care. The chains on her ankles restricted her from walking. Then when she looked down the hall where she had last heard her dragon she realized that she was alone.

I’m never going to get out of her, she thought to herself. Then there was a sound that echoed off of the stone walls. To her they almost sounded like the footsteps of a horse. Normally she would have recognized a horse’s steps, but when the sound bounced the walls she became confused.

“What could it be...? It’s got to be a horse.” she said half to herself. As the creature got closer she was able to see the outline of it. Now she knew that it was a horse, but there were things that kept throwing her off. It almost looked like there was a horn on its head and there seemed to be someone ridding it. The creature was right in front of her when she could just make out most of the details.

She was half right. The creature standing at her feet was a unicorn and there was an elderly woman mounted on it. The unicorn itself was snow white, while it’s main and tail was more of a creamy white color. As far as the woman riding it, she had wrinkles on her face and the rest of her body. The old woman seemed frail. She dismounted the unicorn and stood just about a foot away from Emani. As Emani looked upon her she saw that the elder was just skin and bones, but the look in her bright green eyes told Emani that she was healthy. For a moment she thought she was imagining things. Maybe it was her head ache. Yet something told her that this was real.

She looked up at the woman. The expression on the elderly woman’s face seemed like she had been waiting for Emani, expecting her. She looked down at her almost excited that she was there in the dungeon like room. Emani became worried, but before she could say anything the woman spoke. The woman’s voice was smooth, almost like she was younger than she looked.

“Welcome child.”

You have the beggining of a very interesting story her. I think it could use for information to start out with. THe fantasy genre requires a lot of stage setting, and I think we readers need to know more about Ermani before the actual story starts. (This is a critique I get a lot. Pot calling the kettle black, I know.) Is she prone to migraines or is the fact that she can't see pro[erly a sign pf something seriously wrong?

I hope you expand this. I want to read more.

Hm....I never thought of that. Thanks! I wrote this two years ago in a notebook and i just found it yesterday. I appreciate the advice. I'm definitely expand it. I'm actually working on chapter one....well continuing it since I wrote parts of it two years ago as well. Like I said before, thanks! And, your last question is something I won't tell.

This is really interesting, Myst. The way you organized your ideas gets me curious as to what is happening, just like the character you used is puzzled as well. I think that if you added a bit more details here and there, it would clear up some of the confusion I had when reading through your piece. I also noticed a few grammatical mistakes here and there, but they are easy fixes. Keep writing, my good friend!

First off: Barking brilliant title, by jove! (No, I'm not British)
It's sort of modern, and yet its still a fantasy title. It could use a little work, but for all intents and purposes works well in this situation.

Secondly, spell check (Error in red, correction in blue)

...and she had a really bad head acheHEADACHE, one word.
...
Then there was a high pitch, a loud screeching sound.
...
Started to faded until all was silent again. Fade
...
The crying made her head ache worse. There it is again
...
The stones that made the walls were the darker shades of blue and grays check on this, it might be "greys," but I'm not sure.
...
The faint LIGHT was coming for FROM
...
Then comma here when she looked down the hall where she had last heard her dragon she realized that she was alone.

I%u2019m never going to get out of her, In italics please. Also "Here" not "Her"
...
and there seemed to be someone ridding Ahem, "Riding" it.
...
The unicorn itself was snow white, while it%u2019s main Mane and tail was more of a creamy white color. As far for as the woman riding it,
....
Maybe it was her head ache. Grrr

In general, you just need to go back with a good ol' red pen. There's fortunately nothing major, just some typos and minor spelling inconsistoncies.

Okay, so now on to the actual review:
First off, the premise here is interesting, but it's not relevant. What I mean by that is that there is no connection established between the character and the reader. Sure, she missed her 16th B-day and her pet dragon flew away, but why do we, the readers, care? Simply having her shed a few tears isn't going to be enough. Along with the story/background and location, you need to set up a dramatic, emotionally engaging plot. (By dramatic I don't mean drama, BIG as in HUGE difference. Drama is what happens at proms, Dramatic is a movving/compelling mental image. SHOW us something to care about, give us a compelling heroine to root for!)

So, next off...
You need to give us a firmer sense of place here. Beside a description of the room, there isn't really much. Evoke the five senses, don't just describe your world, make us live in it.

A couple of your sentences are clunky, but if this is two years old I won't really comment on that.

Other than that, the only other things I noticed were problems with the story itself.
1. Emani and her dragon, Crystal, switch names. (The girl is first called Crystal, but then Emani)
2. What are the chains tied to? Is she lying down? Is she magically suspended? Is she standing up while previously having been k-oed????
3. Where did the dragon fly to? And also, why did she cry? She could have yelled for it to come.
4. That is one weird lady...wait, did she just grow thinner? And what, exactly, is "frail looking"????

So anyway, beside those few points, I really enjoyed your story, and I hope you rework and post more of it.