Young Writers Society

Fear. He licked his lips as he tasted it. She was young, fresh, and so tender, but not for much longer. The bruises were a bright purple. She was crying, but so much the better. She was broken, subservient, and soon she would be little more than his slave. Not bad for a good night's work.

She had struggled hard initially, but for nothing.

"You see, you can't get rid of me. I will always be here. No one else will come for you. No one else cares," he whispered softly into her ear. She tightened up, she resisted but a little, but already despair was creeping in. The goosebumps on her body betrayed her, and he triumphed in her despair.

Then, as he watched, a glimmer of hope emerged from inside the despair.

Someone else was there.

Physically speaking, there was little difference between the two, both were strong, both were powerful, the only difference was in the facial features. The first face was contorted in a mask of hatred and disgust. The latest man's face was soft, showing compassion, but with a solemn firmness in him.

"So a mystery man comes to the rescue," the first man snarled.

"I have come."

"But too late. See for yourself, she is mine."

"You have abused her greatly, but she may yet make a full recovery."

"She'll never be rid of me."

"We both know that's not true." There was a pause, but it was only the calm before the storm. Both men were ready for war.

"It is time for you to leave," growled the first man.

"I will not, unless she wants me to," the second man said. Their eyes focused on her.

"Very well," said the first man. He tore off the gag.

"Listen darling. I know things have been rough, but I'll make it up to you. I care about you deeper than you'll ever know. I love you more than anyone. Tell him to leave, so we can start the happiest part of our lives together," the first man said, with emotion. Tears welled in his eyes.

"He is trying to deceive you. He only wishes to dominate you. Come with me and leave him."

"Don't leave me darling. I would die without you. We've had great times together and if you stick with me, we'll have even better times. I loved you from the first moment I saw you, don't you remember?"

"Do not let him fool you again. He only loves the power he has over you. See how he delights in pulling your heart? Come with me and your heart will be light from the lack of chains."

"Don't let me die. I need you."

"Come to me child," the second man beckoned. She got up and after a moment's hesitation, joined the second man.

And the first man screamed! He charged the second man, but with a move of his hand, the first man was gone!

"How are you feeling?" the second man asked.

"Relieved," came the answer.

"Good. Let's go downstairs. I know of an excellent restaurant down the road..." the man said, as they left the room.

Weird. Very weird. And random.

Grammatically speaking this is excellent, a great piece of writing. But it's strange, it opens with a sadistic man taking pleasure in someone else's pain (as a sadistic man would), then suddenly there is another man (in a location that was undoubtedly secret or heavily protected, else the first man wouldnt have promised the girl "No one else will come for you"), this is followed by recognition (which isnt elaborated on, leaving the reader in the dark), then an about turn in the manner of the sadistic bastard who suddenly pleads for the girl's love where before he dominated. It becomes clear that the two have had a long relationship and yet the opening line imply otherwise: at first I thought a killer had a strange woman and as torturing her. On top of all this there comes a sudden introduction to magic or advanced technology! Then a resturant! After a night of abuse...a resturant?

All I'm saying is that this is random, strange, and at times confusing for the reader. If these things are explained in the following chapters, then it's all good. If not...

Still, great writing.

love the hook... I was like a fish. very nice.
Your use of despair seemed a bit redundant. Only because you used the same word over and over. But not a big thing.
is this all going somewhere?

JigSaw wrote:Weird. Very weird. And random.

Grammatically speaking this is excellent, a great piece of writing. But it's strange, it opens with a sadistic man taking pleasure in someone else's pain (as a sadistic man would), then suddenly there is another man (in a location that was undoubtedly secret or heavily protected, else the first man wouldnt have promised the girl "No one else will come for you"), this is followed by recognition (which isnt elaborated on, leaving the reader in the dark), then an about turn in the manner of the sadistic bastard who suddenly pleads for the girl's love where before he dominated. It becomes clear that the two have had a long relationship and yet the opening line imply otherwise: at first I thought a killer had a strange woman and as torturing her. On top of all this there comes a sudden introduction to magic or advanced technology! Then a resturant! After a night of abuse...a resturant?

All I'm saying is that this is random, strange, and at times confusing for the reader. If these things are explained in the following chapters, then it's all good. If not...

Still, great writing.

I see... it didn't quite work out well. There wasn't a outline, which means it wasn't organized, which made it confusing. Alright, I'll try harder next time.

I thought it should be more... i cant think of a word. Elaborate maybe. I think it could use a bit more detail and information. I like the randomness. I don't see many random pieces. I think it could be expanded on a little. nice job with grammar. I usually have a problem with grammar. And it has a nice hook. (I love how you portrayed the evil guy.)

A startling beginning, into obscurity and back out into - I assume - reality. It seemed a bit worn to me...a theme that remained symbolic and so rather dropped at the end. Was it meant to be symbolic simply?

Anyhow, as to structure, telling, I can only say the back-and-forth between the two men became wearing. Second-man -- first-man -- second-man... Perhaps if you dropped the dialogue tags ('said' etc.) and let the tone of the address and words speak for themselves - it would be more vivid.

"We both know that's not true." There was a pause, but it was only the calm before the storm. Both men were ready for war.

"It is time for you to leave," growled the first man.

"I will not, unless she wants me to," the second man said. Their eyes focused on her.

"Very well," said the first man. He tore off the gag.

"Listen darling. I know things have been rough, but I'll make it up to you. I care about you deeper than you'll ever know. I love you more than anyone. Tell him to leave, so we can start the happiest part of our lives together," the first man said, with emotion. Tears welled in his eyes.

There - first - second - first - second. Of course, I can see the difficulty of letting the reader know who's doing what; but perhaps if you gave them both a distinct way of speaking - or began with a hint, description as to who was where...

I never get a very clear image of either in mind. They sound and seem similar - but for the parts they play.

But then - that all makes perfect sense in the entire thing is symbolic. Are they same person? Or is the woman percieving two?

Yes, bewildering for all its even construction. Good free-write...but as I still don't know what happened, if you're so inclined - expand. ^_^

Whoa.

Hmmm... What to say?

I really liked the way this was written, I really liked the characterization (VG on that), but perhaps you could have streched it out a little more, made more of a short story out of it instead of what seemed like an excerpt? Just an idea, it seemed to end a tad abruptly.

Anyway, I liked the ending itself, very good.

Just one thing (gramatically) - I wouldn't put excalmation points here. It makes that paragraph seem so... amateur compared to the rest of a brilliant piece.

And the first man screamed! He charged the second man, but with a move of his hand, the first man was gone!

Otherwise, well written, well done. I think this was amazing. Hooyah and kudos!