Young Writers Society

Snarling, sex crazed growling filled my ears. Teeth bared in triumphant smiles all around me. They thought they were going to win, each and every one of them. They were in for the belief that they would be the new king of the pack. But I had a different thought.

I only had one choice when the first of them lunged at me, followed closely by the rest. I leaped up, jumping over them as they collided in one another. Then I ran, and the saying ‘like my life depended on it’ was one of truth at that moment.

I ran, the wilderness a blur as the pad of my paws touched ground, and my hind legs propelled me forward. I knew that by running I was disgracing my father, the leader of the pack, I just didn’t care.

I had dreaded this day my entire life, my 18th birthday. Most normal teenagers on their 18th enjoyed the day, but not me. My 18th meant that I had become of age in the pack, and when a Lycan female comes of age it is no secret to the males of the species, each one rallying to have the first taste, and therefore claiming and marking her as his own.

Once a Lycan male and female mate; they stay mated for life, the bond only ever breaking at the death of one the mated pair. I wasn’t ready to make that deep of a commitment, I wanted to travel, explore the world before I settled down in the pack.

I forced my legs to push me further, faster as I felt the chase begin. The males in the pack I had known my entire life, been friends with them, but everything changed when I had changed. I knew that by running now I could never go back to them, at least not until I was mated, even then I wasn’t certain.

I could almost feel their hot breath on my neck, feel their teeth nipping at my hind legs, and I had no choice but to shift and loose them on two feet. I felt my bones crack, my muzzle retracting into my delicate human features; hind legs growing, shifting; fur retracting back into my skin.

I stretched as the change became complete, but gave myself no time to feel the surroundings around me through my body. I flew to the first tree I spotted, immediately beginning to climb it, careful not to scrape the delicate human skin on the trunk.

When a Lycan shifts, they don’t have on any clothing, the main reason being that if we did it would only be ripped apart when we decide to shift. Our animal skin wasn’t designed to take in the fabric, so we chose not the wear any. I was very aware that I was completely bare as I scaled to the top of the tree, only barely covering myself with the foliage as the first male wolf appeared on the ground, at the base of the tree.

They could smell were I had gone, and as more congregated on the ground, they knew they would have no choice but to shift in order to get to me. They took their time, but the first one that shifted was the one that I wanted to avoid above all the others. He was the one that had my fathers’ approval, and the one that I had never gotten along with.

Christian shifted out of the form of his wolf, brown fur retracting within a heartbeat. He spared no time in voicing his determination and frustration, “Jaxon, get down here now.”

I laughed a bitter sound that scraped my throat on its way out, “And why would I do that? So you can rape me? Nice thought, but I’m going to pass on that one.”

A growl rumbled low in his throat, his eyes narrowing as he rolled his shoulders, “You leave me no choice,” with that he jumped up the tree, claws digging into the truck for grip.

He got no further than that jump, seconds later he was knocked off, tackled to the ground metres away, and I had to turn to see what was going on. Hovering over Christian, teeth bared, black fur bristling with obvious anger, was a wolf that I had never seen before.

Male energy was in the air, but I could feel that this wolf was not one of our own. Unquestionably a Lycan, only bigger, better, faster and stronger. I had never seen another wolf move as this one did, grace and precision flowing through the muscles working in his body.

The others that had been there moments before were now gone, fleeing to cower away from the beast before me. The only one left was Christian, and if he didn’t retreat soon, I had a feeling that things were going to turn into a bloodbath, only one walking away alive.

I leaned closer when the mystery wolf showed the first signs of shifting. Shifting to some was life a sport, master it and you can do it without thought, with perfect finesse, changing in the bat of an eyelash. Standing, facing off his only competition, dominance exuded from the pores of his skin. Pure male beauty, though I could only see his behind, was evident.

Christian stood, straightening his back. The stance he had taken told me he was going to stay, but his words confirmed everything, “You can’t have her, she’s mine.”

The unknown male stepped forward, causing Christian to loose his nerve for a second and stumble back, “I believe that you should treat a lady with respect, and not force her to do your will.”

I smiled slightly despite the situation. This man had no idea. I leaned forward a little more an attempt to see the face of my mystery hero, only to have the branch beneath my palm snap. I regained my balance quickly, the males not taking their eyes of each other.

Mystery wolf step forward again, “I suggest you leave,” I couldn’t see the expression on his face, but my instincts told me that if looks could kill, Christian would be keeling over at that moment.

The air was tense for a few minutes, no sounds but those of the natural surroundings. Christian’s eyes shot up to me, “This isn’t over for us,” and then he took off.

The mystery wolf turned, looking up at me, and I found it hard to fight the urge to let my mouth fall open. Drop dead gorgeous put with this man would have been an understatement. Short wavy black hair fell over his forehead, violet eyes shining with humour, seemingly lighting the space around him. Chiselled facial features, and a highly defined chest, it was the body a girl could only dream about. I pinched my arm, typical act to wake myself up. I knew I wasn’t dreaming when I heard his masculine voice call to me, “You coming down now?”

I peered down at him, keeping my expression blank, “How do I know you aren’t the same?”

I was stunned to hear the musical sound of laughter erupt from him, reeling back at the sound, leaning forward again when I heard him speak, “Why save you, only to do that same thing they were going to do?”

I smiled at him, “Good point,” I looked around at the tree, searching for foot holes, “Be down in a second,” Giving up on my search, I stood, using a branch to balance precariously above the ground. I smiled again at the thought of what I was about to do, knowing that even if the landing was off, I would heal within a matter of days. With that in mind, I jumped, starting my fall through the air.

I closed my eyes, preparing myself for the impact, feeling and hearing the air rush past me during the fall. I landed on a much softer ground than I had excepted, none the less the breath knocked from my lungs with a whoosh. Hearing the sound of someone else groaning, I turned my head to see mystery wolf beneath me. I scrambled off of him, “Oh, I’m sorry.”

He pushed himself up, grimacing slightly. Straightening to look at me, I noticed he was much taller that I had first assumed “No problem, I was the one that got in the way,” he laughed, “Hell; I didn’t expect you to jump.”

All I could do was stare at him pure masculine beauty, completely aware that we were both nude, disregarding the thoughts that were rushing around in my mind as soon as they arose. In my world there was no room for modesty, everyone comfortable in there own skin. It was only as his eyes started to roam my body did I start to pin point insecurities for the first time in my life.

I clicked my fingers in front of his face, bringing his eyes back to mine, smiling sweetly at him, “Thankyou for your help, but I best be getting back now.”

I started to turn in the direction I had come, only to stop when I felt his hand on my shoulder, electricity zipping through my body at the touch, “Can I at least have the name of the lovely heroine?”

I turned back to him, squelching down the disappointment as his hand slipped from my shoulder. He smiled down at me, humour evident, and not a look you could say no to. Returning his smile, I answered, “Jaxon Lockford.”

His eyes widened slightly, and I waited for the comments, remarks I had been getting my since I could remember, “Jaxon Lockford? Of the Lockford’s? The Royal family of all the forest wolf packs?” thought I didn’t know why, I could see humour twinkle in his eyes the more he talked, the more my face fell.

I nodded, and he laughed, sticking out his hand for me to shake, “Phoenix Keller.”

Now it was my turn to let my eyes widen, and his name was all I needed to understand the humour in his expression. I opened my mouth, closing it again, and then opting to copy his wording, “Phoenix Keller? Of the Keller’s’? The Royal family of all the bear wolf packs?”

He nodded, his laughter something that was contagious. I shook his hand, smiling brightly at him, “I thought you were long gone by now, heard you took off a couple of weeks ago.”

“Yeah, but I decided to stick around, doesn’t mean I’m going back though.”

I let my hand drop out of his firm grasp, giving him an uncertain look, “I have to go back.”

He stepped forward, lifting my chin up with his finger tip, “Why? To get attacked by the pack again?” He lifted his nose in the air, breathing deeply, then looked back at me with his eye brow raised, “Newly of age, huh.”

I nodded and he stepped back. I couldn’t contain my laugh when he swept into a bow, and looked back up at me, smile shining bright, “Well, to my lady, I wish you a Happy Birthday.”

“Thankyou, that’s better than anything I got this morning.”

He came forward again to lightly grasp my shoulder, holding me as if we were old friends, like we have known each other for years, “Then come with me.”

I stepped away from him, shaking my head, looking at him as though he had gone crazy. I he was right, that if I went back the males would go for round two, and there was still the chance that my parents wouldn’t even let me back in, “And live in the woods? For how long? I wouldn’t be able to do that.”

Phoenix was shaking his head before I had finished talking, “No, I have a cabin not far from here, I’ve been staying there, and you can stay with me.”

I wanted to jump at the chance, but there was still uncertainty. Could I trust someone I had only just met? I looked him over, my mind half made up, “And you won’t try anything on me?”

He smiled like I had already said yes, “Promise.”

I shrugged my shoulders in a care free way, “Well, then I have no objections.”

Ohhh wow....is this a novel?? This is really good, very good imagination. I didnt find any major mistakes or minor for that matter. I loved it and I would like to read the rest of it when you get it wrote

I'm sorry, but I can't give a very thorough review because this is just too much like Twilight. Everything. It's just too much like Twilight. That being said, I'll try to just disregard the story and focus on the writing which I was to an extent impressed with. I think with a better story, you could really create a likeable character and keep an interest with your words. But you really need your own story for your best writing to come out.

Something small is just try to refrain from cliches, for instance the "life depended on it" bit or the part where she pinches herself. You have a few grammar mistakes, but I hate when people critique those, so I'll just let you handle that. xD Besides that, I can't critique anything major beyond the story- but perhaps that's just me. I did like your characterization though, which can be tricky particularly in first person. But ultimately, just work on the storyline, and happy writing.

@ spinelli -- I didn't set out for this piece to be at all like Twilight. The idea just came and I wrote it down. But thank you for your feedback. Everybody has their own taste and preferences and it's good to hear from everyone. I know there is probably some grammar mistakes, I think I wrote this about a year ago when I was still starting out and I don't really edit my work, but I shall fix it up. Thanks again

@zinger1912 -- Happy to hear that you like it. I'm not yet sure if I am going to write the rest of this story, but I will gladly consider it. Thank you for your feedback.

Nice work! I like the energy in the opening scene, and the way you introduced the characters. Nicely done, but not done completely yet. Here are a few pointers.

I ran, the wilderness a blur as the pad of my paws touched ground, and my hind legs propelled me forward.

The conjunction area in this sentence is just weird. Don’t ask me why, but I have a feel it has something to do with the fact that ‘touched ground’ isn’t really a correct verb phrase. Furthermore, ‘pad’ should be plural.

I knew that by running I was disgracing my father, the leader of the pack, I just didn’t care.

Put a ‘but’ right before ‘I just didn’t care’.

Once a Lycan male and female mate; they stay mated for life, the bond only ever breaking at the death of one the mated pair.

You should insert an ‘of’ between ‘one’ and ‘the’ at the end of the sentence, but I think the last leg of the sentence is redundant, repeating the middle part.

The males in the pack I had known my entire life, been friends with them, but everything changed when I had changed.

Take out the phrase marked off with commas and the sentence is gibberish. That should never be true of a good sentence. Try: “The males of the pack I had known my entire life, my closest friends, had changed drastically the day I did.”

I could almost feel their hot breath on my neck, feel their teeth nipping at my hind legs, and I had no choice but to shift and loose them on two feet.

I hate, hate, hate this. ‘Loose’ describes pants with no belt. If your pants are ‘loose’ they will soon fall and you will ‘lose’ them.

They could smell were I had gone, and as more congregated on the ground, they knew they would have no choice but to shift in order to get to me.

This is yet another common problem, and one that irks me without fail. You need the word ‘where’ here. Remember this ditty: “Where we were was warm.” XD
As long as I’m ranting at common grammatical errors, I might as well warn you to be careful with the your/you’re, its/it’s, they’re/their/there combos. Just watch out.

Shifting to some was life a sport, master it and you can do it without thought, with perfect finesse, changing in the bat of an eyelash.

That first bit is confusing; why is the word ‘life’ in there? Also, I cut out two phrases at the end, since the last three are all the same anyways. Just keep one.

The unknown male stepped forward, causing Christian to loose his nerve for a second and stumble back, “I believe that you should treat a lady with respect, and not force her to do your will.”

Once again. ‘Loose’ is not the same as ‘lose’.

“Why save you, only to do that same thing they were going to do?”

That same thing? Please, spare us the sugar-coating.

I landed on a much softer ground than I had excepted, none the less the breath knocked from my lungs with a whoosh.

Cut the ‘a’.
‘Excepted’ is not the same as ‘expected’. “I was expecting to be excepted from the drug test.”
‘Nonetheless’ is one word.
Insert ‘was’ between ‘breath’ and ‘knocked’.

In my world there was no room for modesty, everyone comfortable in there own skin.

I warned you.

“Jaxon Lockford? Of the Lockford’s? The Royal family of all the forest wolf packs?” thought I didn’t know why, I could see humour twinkle in his eyes the more he talked, the more my face fell.

‘Thought’ should be ‘though’. Furthermore, you should switch ‘humor’ to ‘humorous’. Also, you’ve misspelled it (unless you’re British).

“Phoenix Keller? Of the Keller’s’? The Royal family of all the bear wolf packs?”

What the heck is a bear wolf?

“Thankyou, that’s better than anything I got this morning.”

Space between ‘Thank’ and ‘you’.

I shrugged my shoulders in a care free way, “Well, then I have no objections.”

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Okay, this is the part I have the most trouble with. She was just betrayed by her lifelong friends, chased through the forest and up a tree to save her virginity…and yet she trusts a complete stranger who is obviously much stronger and faster than her? She should have seen that Phoenix was chasing the other males away so he could have her for himself. “Why save you, only to do that same thing they were going to do?”
I’ll tell you why…


Anyways, it was a pretty good rough draft, especially for something you wrote quite a while ago. My suggestion is that you put a final polishing to it, and then work a little more doubt into Jaxon’s reasoning.
One last thing: I know the other males weren’t important, but the need to stand out a little more than the trees. Maybe some of them could have dialogue.
Any questions or comments? Pm me.

Jenth

I love this story. I grately appriaciate it. I found nothing wrong with it. so as i was saying...


i can say that you are a very talented person in writing. GOOD JOB!:)

If you have any question sor you just want to go on my profile then be free to visit!:)

I do love a good story about weres! You even have different kinds of shapeshifter involved, I like that. However, I wan to say that I think you give away to much information. There is a fine line between explaining what is going on and exposition. I think you could keep the reader guessing longer, by not outright stating that the characters are not just wolves until after thaty have changed, and by saving the explanation about why these boys she's known her whole life are suddenly trying to rape her until Keller asks if she is newly of age. This is just my opininion, and I am often criticised for not telling my audience enough, so take from my comments what you will.