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Young Writers Society


Beauty and The Beast



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Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:26 am
Leahweird says...



Holding her breath, Callie paused and leaned harder on the rough stone wall. The cold ground felt nice on her sore feet. It was better now that she’d left her tight sandals behind. Though she couldn’t see her feet, she could feel the blisters forming.

There was a sound in the darkness.

“Is someone else there?” she croaked.

It had been too long since she’d actually spoken to anyone. There really hadn’t been anyone else around, even before she was sent down here. That could have been days ago, and although it was probably only hours, she’d been walking the entire time. Someone had told her that a lot of mazes could be solved by following a wall, so she’d been clinging to the left side. She worried that she’d just been following the same series of corridors.

The small sandal she tripped over might have been her own. It wasn’t that comforting to think it was someone else’s either.

“I’m here.” The gruff voice made her jump. She really hadn’t expected anyone to be there.

“Are you all right?” the voice asked. It was a man’s.

“Oh, yes, fine. I’m just exhausted and sore. You must be far worse off than me. How have you survived this long?”

“I have my ways, but thank you for caring.” She heard a shuffling in the dark as he moved closer. “Can you go a little farther? This tunnel is not the best place to stop."

Some of Callista’s hopes sunk. She wasn’t sure she did have the strength to keep moving, now that a chance to rest was in sight. Fortunately, the stranger in the dark seemed to sense this.

“I could carry you if you don’t think you can make it.”

The thrill of not having to walk anymore warred with her sense of modesty. Back home, even meeting a man in a situation like this would have gotten her in trouble, and she would never have been allowed to let him touch her. Finally, she decided not to force herself to follow Athenian morals. She had been sent to her death, arguably by the Athenians themselves, so why should she follow their restrictive rules now?

She first guessed that her new companion was not one of the boys sent in before her when she felt the size of his arms pluck her effortlessly from the ground. She tried not to panic. Did the Cretans send their own people when they didn’t have an Athenian sacrifice? Who else could be living down here? Her fears died down though as he calmly continued along the twisting corridors.

She gasped when she suddenly saw the light. She hadn’t thought she’d ever see the sun again, but there was a tiny courtyard. The walls were too high to scale, but at least she could look at the sky.

“I didn't know you'd be so pretty.”

She squirmed around to face him, and realized how foolish she’d been. She’d put herself right into the hands of the creature she’d been sent into the labyrinth to appease.

He was the Minotaur.

Every Athenian child has grown up with the legend that king Minos had angered the gods, and his son had been born a beast. A half-man, half-bull with an appetite for human flesh. Every year six Athenian youths and six Athenian maidens were sent to Crete as a sacrificial victim for the creature. This year Callie had been one of them.

And yet even now, when she knew what he was and could see each him clearly he didn’t seem threatening. In fact, he was setting her down gently and backing away, as if to give her time to make an escape. This was no giant with slavering fangs. He was tall and strong, yes, but he might have been handsome if his head hadn’t been that of a bull.

“Yes, I can talk and everything. Shocking, isn’t it?” It was almost funny how easy it was to read the expression on such a non human face. She wondered if she was imagining the tragic quality of his tone.

“Aren’t you going to run away from the monster?” he asked.

She thought about it for a moment. “No. I’m too tired. I think I’ll stay here for awhile."

The Minotaur didn’t believe her at first.

“Here? In the labyrinth?”

“Why not? This is a lovely little garden. I wouldn’t mind spending some time in it.”

“I suppose. Daedalus, the architect, must have felt sorry for me. I can’t get out, but there are little hidden areas like this all over the place.”

“I would like to see them.”

He made an attempt to get her to leave, but she suspected he desperately wanted the company.

“What’s your name?” he finally asked.

“Callista. Callie for short.”

“Most beautiful.”

“Yes, that’s what it means.”

“And you are. You really are.”

~~~
“Who taught you to speak my language?” Callie asked, while she dangled her feet in a little fountain. There were so few people in Crete who even learned Greek. They certainly couldn’t speak to her about art and philosophy like he could, and they likely wouldn't want to.

“My sister, Ariadne. She’s quite the scholar, you know, has been since she was a child.”

Callie hadn’t known that. She hadn’t paid much attention to the Cretan princess, except to notice that Theseus had been following her around since they got off the boat. The other Athenians youths had thought their prince was so brave, volunteering to be a tribute so he could face the monster, but he’d spent his time ever since romancing Ariadne. Of a group of twelve, only Callie and Theseus were left.

“Does she come and visit you then?”

“You could say that. I’m pretty sure she actually hates me, but since I’m the only one who takes her seriously she’s found a way to come and go as she pleases. If people don’t get lost in the maze, she leads them out of here.”

“What? But we never see them again!”

“It’s a very well kept secret. If my father found out, he’d just have you executed the old fashioned way."

Callie was a little miffed. It would have been nice to have known this at the beginning of the year, when she thought she was waiting to be killed and eaten.

“Well, if she comes for me, we can tell her not to bother.”

“Are you sure? No one’s ever volunteered to spend time down here.”

“I like being with you.”

For a moment he just focused on water. She almost asked him what he was looking for, when he stared at his reflection like that, but she decided she could already guess the answer.

“No one has ever said that to me,” he sighed. “Even the few who I meet long enough to prove I won’t attack them don’t want to be in my presence very long.”

“They are all fools.”

“I’m glad you think so.”
~~~
"What's your favourite colour?" he asked her. They had both been surprised by how quickly you can get to know someone in a small space with no interruptions. Callie had shared things with him that she would never have told anyone, although this last question was getting a little silly.

"You first."

"Blue. Like the sky we can see over the walls. Sometimes I can see the sea through the chink."

The chink was a small hole that could be used like a window. He'd discovered it when he was little, and apparently had once been able to fit his hand through.

"That's actually really sad. I was going to say yellow. It seems unimportant now."

The Minotaur just shrugged.

“Why do they still keep you down here?” she asked.

“Politics I think. It’s surprisingly good publicity to have a man-eating beast in your possession.”

“But they must know you’re harmless! You eat grass!”

“It doesn’t matter. I have no way of convincing the world that I’m mostly human. I can’t even do a lot of things that a normal person could.”

“Like what? What couldn’t you do?” Callie demanded.

He reached out and stroked her hair. “Even if you’d let me, I wouldn’t be able to kiss you.”

“But I could kiss you.”

And she did. Brushing her lips across the smooth expanse of his cheek.

They didn’t talk for a while after that. Nothing seemed like enough to say.
Last edited by Leahweird on Mon Oct 03, 2011 4:22 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sat Oct 01, 2011 4:57 am
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confetti says...



Hey, how's it going. I'm going to start with nitpicks:
“Is someone else there?” she croaked.

“I’m here,(period instead)” The gruff voice made her jump.

“I didn't lnow know you'd be so pretty.”

“Are you all right?” the voice asked.

Back home(comma) even meeting a man in a situation like this would have gotten her in trouble,

Finally(comma, I believe) she decided not to force herself to follow Athenian morals.

“Aren’t you going to run away from the monster?” he asked.

“You can talk?” she exclaimed.

I don't see the point of this, she shouldn't be very surprised, she knows that he can talk, they've talked quite a bit so far.
“What’s your name?” he finally asked.

“Why do they still keep you down here?” she asked.

Nothing seemed like it was enough to say,(period instead)


It seems like quite a bit of errors, but they're all very minimal. Still, I would go back and fix these little things.
Moving on -
I enjoyed the story as a whole, the writing flowed nicely, and I was able to really get into it. Although, I don't know all of the terms you used, I wish you had clarified those a little more, I got lost sometimes. But, at the same time, I wouldn't go back and change that, it would change the flow of your story.
I thought the romance was sweet, the ending was nice, but it felt rushed. I wish you had shown them talking more than they had, the pace was too quick (in my opinion). Sorry that I didn't have too much to say, but I hope it helped anyway!
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  





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Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:46 am
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Leahweird says...



Thank you for the critic! I'm going to blame microsoft for "fixing" stuff for me, for a lot of those mistakes, but it's always good to have someone willing to spot typos. It's very difficult to find them on your own. As for your other suggestions, I agree. I intend to go back and polish and expand, but I don't want to fiddle with it too much before the contest.
Cheers!
  





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Sun Oct 02, 2011 5:37 pm
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Deanie says...



I liked this version of Beauty and the Beasts. It was really original and very interesting. I liked how you put it in the time of the Minotaur and how the 'monster' didn't end up so monstrous after all.

Good Job!

Deanie x
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Mon Oct 03, 2011 2:00 am
Fiyero says...



I agree with Deanie about the unique setting for this telling of the Beauty and the Beast. However, it doesn't really surprise me that the Minotaur wasn't monstrous because he's playing the part of the beast. The one thing I'm glad you didn't do is make a transformation scene. That would have made this too cliche. Thanks for writing this!
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Mon Oct 03, 2011 4:27 am
Leahweird says...



The contest has been extended, so I broke down and decided to change some things aroung. A few problems have been addressed, but I would apprieciate furthur input. Those random spaces are still plauging me, that's not a big deal, right? *sweat*
Anyway, I still been to write another portion of the story, but I want this one to be as good as it can be. Enjoy!
  





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Mon Oct 03, 2011 6:57 pm
LadyLucifer21 says...



Hey,

This is a really beautiful idea. I love the setting and the tone of the story, a very modern and yet still traditional retelling of a famous tale! I think Confetti has picked up on a lot of the debris that needed sweeping up and I can't say I found any other fault with the piece. It would definitely be beneficial to see the empty parts filled in, you will either smoothly link the parts together or fill the gaps with babble, especially during the conversation about favourite colours I think the section before this needs to be really concise and fast paced so you don't end up writing everything they may have spoken about! In all honesty you could actually leave that gap and include a line of stars to break up the scene as I'm sure you've seen used in many texts already published. I think the writing is fairly fast paced throughout anyway so i seems you won't have any problem with the last point.

Re-imaginings of fairy tales are becoming very popular at the moment. I am currently working on the design for a collection of fairy tales written by fellow students at my university (because I did graphic design and writing courses). Also there are titles such as Sisters Red and Sweetly by Jackson Pearce and the recent films such as Red Riding Hood emerging. This sort of story is set for the market at the moment so I encourage you to complete it and submit it to a publisher or something! Good luck whatever you choose to do! And thanks for letting us read!
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like teardrops in the rain.
  





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Mon Oct 31, 2011 12:52 am
831abrokengirl says...



I'm not very good at the whole grammar thing, and it looks like everyone else has already gotten to that, so if you don't mind I think I'll just skip that part. But the idea's actually really interesting, taking the old greek myth and mixing it with an old childrens story. The wording's perfect and it flows beautifully. Such an enjoyable read, if you ask me. Wonderful job and continue writing.
  








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