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Virus irruption (extended)



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Wed Sep 21, 2011 7:58 pm
Twinkle4ever says...



Spoiler! :
Okay. So here's more of the story. I added a few more paragraphs so I hope I'm not showing too much here rather than telling.


“No, no, and no. That’s final.” Henry spoke in an exasperated tone.

“Why not, brother? What’s so wrong with visiting our parents for a change?” Joseph asked, bewildered.

“Because it’s dangerous,” Henry answered hastily.

“Why is it dangerous? You’re not telling me that!”

They were in a dreary apartment with grey painted walls and very little furniture. Henry sank back into his newly bought arm chair silently, digging his nails into the small cushion which lay on his lap. Joseph treaded the room, thinking of several ways to persuade his brother on letting him visit his parents.

He stopped and opened his mouth to say something but Henry held up a hand, “I told you. No,” he said, sternly and went back to enjoying the warmth which emitted from the heater beside him.

Joseph pouted and walked away silently, feeling himself surrender. Henry sighed. “Sit down,” he said, gesturing towards a bean bag which lay on the soft carpet, a few feet away from the arm chair. Joseph shook his head stubbornly and went to look out the window.

It seemed as if nobody ever cleaned it. The glass was all dirty and smudged, obscuring most of the sight. Joseph tried to open the window by lifting the wooden pane but it was crammed shut.

“It won’t open… I’ve tried everything with it. Nothing ever works,” Henry spoke in a bored tone.

“Everything huh? I’m sure you’ve never tried this before.” Joseph smiled cunningly at himself as his eyes changed color
from greenish-brown to bright red.

“What’re you up to?” Henry, who could only see Joseph’s back, got up swiftly. He stared at his younger brother skeptically while marching forward. Then, before he could even reach him, the window shifted upwards all of a sudden, letting in the cool fresh air.

“Why couldn’t you take us there? You’re an adult in your early twenties. Besides, I don’t think anything’s dangerous against a black dragon like you.” Joseph murmured softly while closing his eyes, letting the wind brush his face gently.

“What do you mean by us? Who else is going with you?”

“Twinkle, of course.”

Henry sighed, shaking his head in disagreement when suddenly, his body stiffened in alarm. Joseph, whose eyes were still closed, sniffed and frowned at the sudden change of smell.

“It smells like–” He was saying when Henry cut him off.

“Smoke!” he ejaculated, pointing ahead towards a thick dark cloud emerging from the hilly side of the town. That instant, Joseph opened his eyes to look. He darted towards the exit door of the apartment. Henry was saying, “Isn’t that where Vanessa lives?” but when he looked towards the door, Joseph was already gone. “Uh… I guess you already knew that… then never mind.”

Joseph scampered down the stairs hurriedly and jumped onto his bike. He started the engine and rode as fast as he could; the wind beating against his face.

“Oh…what did you guys do this time?” he asked himself, annoyed.

Joseph passed the wooden houses and the small candy shop as he rode, taking the turn towards his friend’s house. The wind was constantly moving his light brown curls back and forth; mostly onto his greenish-brown eyes that were filled with anxiety at the moment.


“You did this. Now fix it.” Nick said, standing outside his house with his arms crossed over his chest.

“How do you expect me to fix something that isn’t there?” Vanessa argued.

Joseph could see the two from a distance, arguing like kindergarteners. Nick, an eighteen year old boy, with dark curls, was sighing at the thick smoke appearing from his house window. He wore his usual serious look again while turning towards Vanessa. That’s when his eyes caught sight of Joseph riding his bike towards them.

Vanessa turned around, following her brother’s gaze to stare at Joseph. He stared back into those deep blue eyes of hers. The wind blew her dark, shoulder-length hair onto her face but she didn’t bother with it. Both their eyes were locked together. Joseph’s heart thumped and skipped a beat. His bike slowed to a halt and without looking away, he jumped off, moving towards the two.

“Let me guess,” he spoke finally, looking at Nick who had been staring back and forth at the two. “It was a smoke spell?”
“No, it was worse. Vanessa was cooking.” Nick chuckled. Vanessa glared at him side-ways and he composed his face quickly.

“I was trying to cook without using my powers but then food was taking too long to heat up so…” she eyed towards the window, biting her lip.

“So she used her burn spell on it,” Nick said, completing her sentence. “There’s no fire but the food continues to heat and the smoke won’t stop coming out of it.”

“Oh…” Joseph responded as he looked down towards the ground. He wasn’t actually staring at anything. Vanessa could detect a flash of red in his eyes. After one whole second he looked up, his eyes were normal.

“I think the heating’s stopped. Let’s check it out.”

He walked past Vanessa, followed by Nick. She watched him enter the house with a satisfactory smile on his face.
‘He did that? He’s improved a lot in one month. Anyway, it’s summer vacation. I wonder how long he and Twinkle will be gone to his parents’ house. Where did they live again? I’ll have to ask him.’
She thought and went inside the house as well.

“You mean you did that? You cleared the smoke?” Nick was staring wide-eyed at the oven.

“I’ve been practicing…” Joseph smiled but Vanessa didn’t smile with him. Something was nagging her inside her head but she ignored it.

“So what did your brother say?” She asked as they headed outside again. “When are you leaving?”

Joseph made a face, remembering the so-called conversation he had with his brother.

“He’s not telling me where exactly my parents are living. He doesn’t permit me to go there.”

“Who gives him the right to decide? I mean, he’s the one who ditched them in the first place. It was only a few months ago that he finally switched sides again,” Nick said.

“I know, I know but I still can’t go until he tells me the exact location of my parents. He says that it’s dangerous–”
“What’s dangerous?” Vanessa questioned, cutting him off.

Joseph looked at her, startled and then said, “…I’m not sure. I don’t think there’s anything more dangerous than a black dragon… I mean, they’re the strongest.” He lowered his gaze towards the tiled floor, feeling uncomfortable by the look Vanessa was giving him right now. Her attitude towards Joseph had been changing gradually ever since Joseph had admitted a few months ago that he loved her. Her friendliness had been withering away like dust.

“You don’t know that for sure…” was what she murmured at last and looked away.

Joseph frowned at her. Vanessa’s aloofness was killing him inside. He didn’t know what he’d done to make her act this way around him. His heart would skip inside him at the thought of Vanessa, but then the skipping and pounding would be reduced to feeble ‘thumps’. The reason was simple; she’d stopped giving him that friendly smile she used to every day at
school. She’d stopped telling him things.

Joseph sighed while jumping onto his bike again. Nick waved him goodbye, noticing his change of mood from happy to dull. “Don’t worry. I’m sure everything will be fine. I mean, people must have good reasons behind what they say and do.” He told him making his words sound like they were meant for Harvey while actually Joseph knew Nick was really talking about Vanessa.

He nodded and gave his friends a half smile as he rode away.

“I wonder when he’ll be leaving…” Vanessa murmured again. Nick heard her and cocked his head to one side to eye her questioningly.

“What?” Vanessa said but Nick just shook his head and headed inside the house. The nagging at the back of Vanessa’s
head continued as she followed her brother towards the store room.

Nick grabbed a cloth from the kitchen before going to the store room. “Why did you look at me like that?” Vanessa asked curiously, still following him.

“No real reason… just wondering something…” he replied, seeming far away in thoughts. Inside the store room, Nick was wiping the dust of the card board boxes with the cloth.

“What’re you thinking?”

“About you and Joseph…” Nick whipped the cloth onto a very old looking box. Dust particles rose into the air.

“What about us? Are you still thinking about what he’d said to me a few months ago?” More dust emerged making
Vanessa cough.

“No. I’m thinking about the way you’ve been acting around him lately. I don’t know what’s gotten into you but whatever it is, you better fix it before you lose your best friend.”

Vanessa stood behind him wordlessly till he’d dusted the very last box. Noticing her quietness, Nick finally rose to his feet and turned around to look at her; his grey eyes staring at her worriedly.

“What’s wrong?” he asked softly, his new-born frown never leaving his face.

“I…Joseph’s hiding something,” the words came out in a rush.

“Oh and what do you think he might be hiding from you?” Nick said, brushing away the dust from his navy blue shirt.

“…I don’t know…maybe about where he’s getting all that power?”

Nick raised an eyebrow at her. “No. You’ve got to admit that his powers are getting stronger each day. I can sense it. It’s impossible even if the person trains recklessly all day long. And I know Joseph isn’t training. He’s found a power source…” Vanessa added.

Nick thought about it while coming out of the store room. He waited till Vanessa was out as well and locked the door. “Even if that’s true, what’s it got to do with you wanting Joseph to leave as soon as possible?”

“I never said that!” Vanessa snapped but then thought about it and spoke, “Okay so maybe it seems like it since I’m asking him too many questions about it but I’m just in a hurry because I want to go with him and Twinkle… I want to find out what it is that he’s hiding because it’s obvious he’s not unaware about his increasing powers. He seems to be quite proud of them.”

“Vanessa. That still doesn’t explain why you’re treating him as if he were your rival or something. I mean, where did all that friendliness go? You’ve become harsh. Do you know how much you hurt him just by talking to him?”

They walked into the lounge. Vanessa went towards the nearest armchair. She hopped while taking off her shoes and jumped onto the armchair. Then, turning towards Nick, she said, “I’m not being harsh. I’m just giving him a piece of my mind.”

“In other words… you’re harsh?” Nick said, walking past the arm chair Vanessa was standing on.

“No. Don’t you get it? I would’ve been nicer but I don’t like what he’s turning into. He’s being proud! Okay I know that’s not a bad thing but being too proud can be pretty awful for others to bear.”

Vanessa jumped off the arm chair, following Nick towards the kitchen.

“…I know how you feel Vanessa, but I don’t think Joseph does. He’s not aware of his mistake yet. I think it would be best if you go and pay him a visit. Talk to him. I’m sure he’ll come back to his senses…”
“Oh, and one more thing,” Nick said while turning around to face Vanessa, “Stop following me.”

She chuckled and exited the kitchen immediately.
You can wish for death... but you can't wish it away
  





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Wed Sep 21, 2011 9:48 pm
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tr3x says...



Eruption.
A lie can run around the world before the truth has got its boots on.
- Terry Pratchett

Si non confectus, non recifiat - If it ain't broken, don't fix it.
  





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Wed Sep 21, 2011 10:20 pm
JSon says...



Okay.

First, "Eruption". Above reviewer's right, unless you intentionally misspelled the word for the sake of title appeal or something.

Second, good job with this beginning. There were quite a few grammatical things that bothered me (i'm sure someone else can be bother to go through correcting each one), as well as some poorly expressed sentences, but in general it was easy to follow.

A suggestion I'd make is that you keep practicing how you leak information regarding setting, characters and what's actually happening - in this it seemed a little forced, for example:

“Why couldn’t you take us there? You’re an adult in your early twenties. Besides, I don’t think anything’s dangerous against a black dragon like you.” Joseph murmured softly while closing his eyes, letting the wind brush his face gently.


It may be a personal thing, but this kind of dumping of character information in the dialogue is more conventional in film/TV scripts - not novels.

Also, your spoiler suggests that you intend to "show" less and "tell" more. It's the other way around really, and especially for the fantasy / science fiction genres, where the responder should be encouraged to read into character behaviour and setting, rather than be force-fed almost biographical passages explaining the nature of things. It actually looks like you're trying to show more so maybe that was just an error in the spoiler?

On a better note, the characterization in this is good. It seems like you have direction in mind, although I'm not yet clued into the relevance of the title, but be sure to post some more of this when you're ready.

Keep writing,

J
  





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Sat Sep 24, 2011 3:47 am
tgirly says...



I don't think anyone would actually ever say to their brother, "You're an adult in you early twenties." Little too telly, not enough show. I wouldn't say that Joseph scampered. I like when you say they were arguing like kindergarteners, it makes me laugh. I don't know how you can lock eyes with just one person, so the both is redundant. Bear should be bare. I don't think it gave too much away, I think it's just the right amount to keep us interested. But, for the whole piece I was wondering what a black dragon was. You should tell us soon so the reader doesn't lose patience, like in the next chapter or two. Sorry if my review seemed a little harsh, it was just small things that are easy to correct. I like the longer version better, keep what you got.
-tgirly
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
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Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:08 pm
apple96 says...



Hi Twinkle,

This was an interesting piece. As others have already pointed out the title is spelled wrong (that is unless it was for effect in which case its brilliant).

Something else I noticed was at the beginning:

'Why not, brother? What’s so wrong with visiting our parents for a change?” Joseph asked, bewildered.'

The word brother isn't needed here and to me it sounds awkward. I think the most likely reason for adding it would be to make sure the reader knows that these people are related. However, the end of the sentence which says 'our parents' shows that they are related without having to say it. The fact that they are brothers is confirmed again later on in the piece.

Keep writing :)

- apple96
'Are you saying Ni to that old woman?'
'Yes'
'Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history'
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 6:21 pm
Twinkle4ever says...



For all those who are confused. This is just to inform you guys that irruption means invasion or attack. (Just so you don't mistake it for eruption) Thanks for reviewing! :) :)
You can wish for death... but you can't wish it away
  





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Fri Sep 30, 2011 2:57 am
VampireSenshi says...



I really liked this story, but i didn't get something. Are they wizards? Sorry if i didn't read attentivly enough to get the details but i didn't seem to be clear to me. Other than that i liked the fantasy aspect as well as the thrills of it. I can't wait for you to write more, it was very intersting.
Keep writing!!!
Sincerely,
Lesley
<YWS>
<NE1>

NIGHT is always watching...
  








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