Young Writers Society

This sort of came out of nowhere, after a good 6 months of literally writing nothing due to lack of confidence. I just want general opinions on my writing style, tone, use of adjectives, and so on. Obviously not a finished chapter/piece. Please review!

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Cassie slumped against the wall, sweat pooling at her collar, panting as though she had run a marathon. Her throat felt as though sandpaper had been on the menu and as if her legs were not anchored by jeans, but by ball and chain.

Thrusting her hand into her pocket, she withdrew a marble sized quarter on a worn metallic chain. She dangled it in front of her face, chanting as softly as she could so as to not shred her throat further.

To anyone but Cassie, the language would have seemed to be a cross between Italian and French, not anything like the clipped British accent most were familiar with. Her voice took over the quiet and a blue haze swept over the shadows, emitting from the now orbiting coin.

Cassie’s head snapped to the sky and her body convulsed, the coin swinging faster still. The chanting had transfigured into a low rumble and the white of her eyes seemed to creep over the bronze iris that most shied from.

Audible footsteps clicked against the concrete alleyway and the strong scent of a foreign spice bit through the blue fog. Interrupting Cassie’s fit, the blue light ceased as though doused with water and the coin, no longer suspended by Cassie’s hand, collapsed and fell just as she did.

Pretend you’re unconscious, Cassie thought, biting down hard on her lip until she was met with the familiar metallic tang of blood. She felt tenderness in her hip where she had hit the ground and a sharp sting told her that the stitch on her cheek had reopened none too humbly.

Cassie lifted an eyelid briefly and spotted a woman now in a brisk hobble, moving toward her, worry clear through the aged lines of her face. The woman wore a brightly coloured sari that hugged her none too slim figure and her coffee skin highlighted the silver bracelets making a clatter on her arms.

“Poor girl! Sweet, innocent girl!” The woman spoke in a foreign accent and the smell of spice perfume grew sickening as she knelt down beside Cassie.

Attempting to lie still while a complete stranger is moving your limbs and checking your pulse wasn’t as easy as expected. Especially when the woman slipped a hand underneath her.

Cassie froze up. The discomfort of the coin’s chain digging into her side had been soothing. She had known where it was, and that it was safe. Now, the woman had slid it out from under her and was studying it closely, one hand patting Cassie’s head softly, the other holding the coin.

“Stupid girl!” The woman suddenly spat.

Cassie felt a sudden sting of pain as the woman yanked a clump of her hair and made her sit up. Blinking a few times, Cassie regained focus of her surroundings. The woman had almost black iris’ that were tinged with copper and a bulbous nose pressed to the tip of Cassie’s.

“You are a traitor, girl!” She snarled, her arched eyebrows crashing low. “Pathetic little being!”

Cassie attempted to pull away, but found her arms anchored by the woman’s steely grip.

“Let me go.” Cassie said it calmly; although confusion and distress had taken over to the point where she felt tears sting the back of her eyes.

You have a really interesting and intriguing style. You have used sophisticated language and the adjectives are well chosen and suit the piece. This is really good and left me wanting to know what was going to happen and how Cassie got there. This is really well written and i can't see any mistakes in it.
Don't stop writing!

Wow! That was really good! I enjopyed reading it! Keep writing!

I really enjoy your writing style, you've used some interesting similies- sandpaper on the menu, legs anchored by ball and chain- and you have created some vivid images using very well-picked adjectives.
I hope to see some more of it!

I will be quick to point out that this forum is called "Fantasy Short Stories" rather than "Fantasy Disembodied Scenes", but I see that you've asked specifically to be judged on style and voice, so I'll do that.


First of all: tame your similes and metaphors. Let's discuss her throat feeling "like sandpaper was on the menu". I understand that you were trying to say that her throat felt hoarse and raspy, but I could also (probably) understand your story if you mis-spelled half the words and didn't use proper punctuation. The lack of clarity in that image takes away from the overall style; there is no clear implication that the sandpaper was in fact in her throat. Something like "Her throat felt as if that salad she ate at Wendy's was actually cleverly disguised sandpaper" flows much better, and it may potentially reveal plot points. Again, I understood what you were trying to say, but if you're going to use metaphors and similes, use them well.

Second: in the immortal words of Strunk and White, omit unnecessary words. "Audible footsteps", as opposed to inaudible footsteps (how would you describe footsteps if they were inaudible?). "Blue fog" was probably intended to create an otherworldly atmosphere but only succeeded in making me think of a circus. Why's it blue? Magic? Tricks of light? "Low rumble", again, as opposed to a high-pitched one.

Third: Ah, the reviewer's favourite. Show, don't tell. Specifically, just after Cassie falls down and the woman approaches her, everything becomes sudden! Suddenly, she spat! Boom! A sudden sting of pain! Bang! Excitement! Action! ...no. Do not tell the reader it is sudden; make it sudden. Build up to it. Cass lay on the cold floor; she could feel the very presence of the witch-woman above her, her breath roused the hair on the back of Cass's neck. Not the coin, she thought, anything but the coin; and she felt the woman's exploring fingers dig underneath her side, searching for something; and then, there was no more discomfort in her side. The astute reader will make the connection between the coin and the discomfort because she was lying on it, and its lack of presence will come off as sudden. They'll be dreading it: oh no, they'll think, she's going to find the coin! And then she does and screams at Cass for it, and the very text makes it sudden, the build-up makes it sudden.

The good parts of the review, then. You're very literate; you know your words well, and use connotation to good effect. Not as good as you could have, but all that comes from practice. There were no howling voice issues, or anything particularly jarring about the atmosphere or the setting. I particularly enjoyed the smell of foreign spices about this strange woman, and how that smell intensified to the point of being sickening as the witch drew close. If you brush up your style, this will become a very adequate slice of a novel.

Your penny,
cC

Hi

I enjoyed reading this piece because the reader was hooked almost as soon as they started to read. The pace was great too.

Right, time for me to give any advice I can.

I would suggest going over the first paragraph again because it does just look like you wanted to stick a bunch of metaphors into the piece and decided the could make up the first three lines.

I also have a question about the character Cassie you use both the word convulse and the word fit, this suggests she has just had a seizure. Then the next minute she is fine again and totally normal. This is highly unlikely as most people are dazed or confused after a fit.

Anyway I did love reading this piece

- apple96

I love how you give specific detail about what Cassie is feeling. I found it really easy to read and enjoy. I could perfectly picture the moment.
Really good!
Keep on writing!
Teresa

that was a fun little tidbit, and i can't wait for the next part of the story to progress. Are there other parts that you posted? Anyway, i hope that you can post another part soon.
Keep Writing!!!
Sincerely,
Lesley

Well, first off, I just want to say that I liked this piece, and also would be interested in reading more if you wrote more. Anyway, I do have a few nitpicks to make as well.
So, first of all, I just want to say, there is such a thing as too many adjectives in a story. Be sure not to pack it so full that it stops the flow of the story and makes it boring. I'm not necessarily saying you did that here, just be careful not to.
Maybe you should add a little description to her surroundings. We have no idea where she is, she's just a girl with a coin. No surroundings. Nothing else. Just a girl and her coin and then, here pops another lady from somewhere. I'm not saying to load the story with where exactly she is and what exactly is happening around her, just give us a general idea once in a while, so we know she's not the only thing in a black void of universe. For all we know, she could be.

Cassie slumped against the wall, sweat pooling [Is it really possible to have a pool of sweat just sitting at her collar? I don't really think pooling is the right word for this.] at her collar, panting as though she had run a marathon.

She dangled it in front of her face, chanting as softly as she could so as to not shred [I don't really think shred is a good word to use here. Would talking really shred your throat? It might make a sore throat hurt worse, but it wouldn't actually shred your throat. I don't think she would be speaking at all if her throat was shredded. You should try to be aware of the words you're using and their definition.] her throat further.

Her voice took over the quiet and a blue haze swept over the shadows, emitting from the now orbiting coin.

I find this sentence confusing, I think just because of the way that it is worded.

The chanting had transfigured into a low rumble and the white of her eyes seemed to creep over the bronze iris [This is sort of a weird, and slightly confusing way to describe that the whites of her eyes are now showing. Don't get me wrong, being creative and descriptive is a good thing, but I think you may be trying to hard here, it seems a little forced. Simple isn't always a bad thing.] that most shied from.

Attempting to lie still while a complete stranger is moving your limbs and checking your pulse wasn’t as easy as expected.

Here, you switch between tenses. First you say is, which is present, then you use wasn't, which is past tense. Try to stick to one, and not switch around tenses.

Now, the woman had slid it out from under her and was studying it closely, one hand patting Cassie’s head softly, the other holding the coin.

“Stupid girl!” The woman suddenly spat.

Whoa. What happened here? One second she's tenderly patting her head, the next she's yanking her hair and screaming at her? All in between two sentences? Is there a reason? This just seems a little too...


So, overall, I think this is very good, it needs a little work, but who's writing doesn't? Anyway, I agree with carbonCore in saying that you could use some work on the showing and not telling. That was always something I had a problem with, so I know how hard it can be. Just try to show us instead of just telling us. Don't tell us that it's not easy to hold still, show us. Don't just say it hurts, show us that it hurts. Anyway, I think you did a great job, and I also noticed some other things, but seeing as this is an unfinished work, I won't bug you with that.

So, I hope I helped at least a little, and I hope I wasn't too harsh. Anyway, I really enjoyed this XP

~Tayla