Young Writers Society

" Romeo tall and bold, can I shall I be yours?" Lilac muttered. " I will extract your heart romeo, dont extract mine, I love you..." She kissed him gently.

"No, we cant do this, my-my father he is ill..." Jonny said " He needs medication Juliet. We dont have time!" He said. " I know, But we have now to be together. Dont waste it." Lilac stepped closer. They kissed. "And scene everyone! Great job Jonny-LIlac. Cut thats for the day!" The director said. Lilac pushed jonny away as he fell to the ground. " Jonny! Why did you have to try out for this stupid Play!" Lilac screamed. "I dont want to kiss you!" She said agian.

"Whatever. Your the one who wanted me to try out in the first place." Jonny said back to her. " You know what i can do." She said to jonny.
Lilac had bleach blond hair, her skin was soft and luvable blush was her favorite accessory. she had pink neon highlights and always wears a green mini dress. she is PALE and very beutiful.
Jonny has black hair and tall. As Lilac is short, they are both 18 years old and go to hi-star high school in washington.
Jhonny is the only one who knows what Lilac can do. And no one wants to know what she can do. Lilac and Jonny both are immortal. But no one knows what Lilac can to as a immortal. Jonny has super sonic strength and is half vampire.

Lilac is a vampire. She has super sonic speed, strength and beauty. Lilac was born in washington. Jonny has a huge crush on Lilac. he stares at her at the cafiteria. Lilac is very popular, so is jonny. He is captian of the footbal team, he is also very cute. although Lilac does not like him as much as he likes her.

Lilac's real name is Stephanie Justice. (As a human). Jonny's friends all like Lilac. Henry, Joseph, Kaleb, Noah and on and on. Noah is Lilacs's current boyfriend. he is captain of the basketball team and ran for school president and is super cute. Lilac hangs with him after school every sigle day and of coarse he knows about the immoralty.

Lilac is assistaint captian of the cheerleading team.

"love's not for sold." Lilac said to Noah. " Lilac is a beutiful name...Stephanie." He siad back. " Yes, stephanie..." Lilac muttered.

"whats wrong?" Noah asked.
"Im changing. I'm getting aggressive. My powers are getting stronger I cant control them." She answered.
"Of coarse you can lilac, or i will. Just relax. And i have a question" Noah asked.

"yes?" She asnwered.

"Do you like Jonny?" He muttered.


"what? "

"Do you like Jonny!" He said louder.

"NO!" She said.

"OK good." He said.

Lilac got up and walked away in silence.

PART 2 COMING SOON!!!

~PIxie2~

I'm, uh. I'm going to nit-pick this. And I'm going to be harsh. Sorry.

" Romeo, tall and bold, can I, shall I be yours?" Lilac asked. " I will extract your heart Romeo, dont extract mine, I love you..." She kissed him gently.

"No, we can't do this, my-my father, he is ill..." Jonny said " He needs medication Juliet. We dont have time!" He said.
"I know, But we have now to be together. Dont waste it." Lilac stepped closer. They kissed.
"And scene everyone! Great job Jonny-Lilac. Cut, that's it for the day!" The director said. Lilac pushed Jonny away and he fell to the ground.
"Jonny! Why did you have to try out for this stupid play!" Lilac screamed. "I dont want to kiss you!" She said agian.

"Whatever. You're the one who wanted me to try out in the first place." Jonny said back to her.
" You know what I can do." She said to Jonny.

Okay, you seem to have a problem with spelling, capital letters etc, but I assume that you've been writing fast and they're just typos. So. The piece in itself is very short, and we don't get a good view of what's happening. Yes they're acting in a play, but why did Lilac tell Jonny to audition if she doesn't like him? Why doesn't she like him? What is it it that she "can do"? Where are they? What do they look like? I don't think you thought this piece through before you wrote it, but it has potential all the same. Maybe take a bit more time on the next one, okay?

Thanks for the review!!!

Hey, Pixie!

Let's take a looksie, shall we?

Okay, the first thing I see right off the bat is that there is a lot of telling as opposed to showing.[/i Example: You could just tell us your character has good skin, and that would be that. [i]Or you could show us that she has good skin:

"God, I wish I had her skin," Lilac heard a girl mutter at the far end of the bathroom.

Instead of just outright telling us this, include little details (maybe not quite as obvious as the example above) to allow the reader to figure it out for themselves.

It's much the same thing with giving the background history of the characters. Show us a football game of Jonny's so that we know he's the captain. Lilac's Immortal. How does she know this? Does she just know, or has she been in an attempted stabbing/staking?

In reality, all these things are very, very easily fixed! If you have any questions at all, feel free to leave a comment on my wall, and I'll do my best to help some more! =)

Sachiko