Young Writers Society

I sat on the cold stone seat and watched as Grandma paced back and forth, glaring at the ground. "How could you, Lucy?" she asked me in a disappointed voice. I leaned back into the seat as she walked toward me. "How do you think I should punish you?" she demanded, shivers run down my spine and I shrugged my shoulders quickly staring down at me feet obediently. "I have an idea Lucy," she replied in an icy tone smiling at me.

Horror struck my face as Grandma pulled of her crimson red cloak and sunk her teeth into my pale unbruised cheek and started the process of turning me into a wolf. I fell off the seat and curled up into a ball, shaking violently and rocking back and forward trying to distract myself from the excruciating pain. A line of red began to drip from my cheek creating a puddle of red on the floor.

"You deserve this Lucy," she said, standing at my feet towering down on me and casting a shadow over me. Making me feel as small as the two deadly bite marks which were ingrained on my cheek for eternity. "You deserve this," repeated Grandma, as she walked slowly out the room without bothering to even cast a glance over her shoulder to see me lying on the ground in a pool of my own blood.



I walked along the dusty, cobbled street holding a small wicker basket tightly in my hand. It was ust large enough to fit in a juicy lamb leg and a small baguette cut neatly into two halves lightly buttered on one side, with a neat ironed napkin folded into a triangle and placed on the bottom just poking out of the side. Everything fit neatly into the basket and a red and white checkered cloth was placed neatly on top all the sides tucked down into the basket.

My velvet red cape was draped around my shoulders and the hood was long enough so that covered my face. It hung down to my feet and it gave an eerie atmosphere wherever I went. It was identical to the one that Grandam had worn that day when she had turned me into... this....

As I approached the town I listened as happy shouts turned to timid whispers. I ignored them, they didn't know me... not really. I felt people scurry away from me as I walked down the main street and a lump rose in my throat causing me to quicken my pace. I sensed relief wash over the town as soon as I left and I remembered when I had been one of them... Before her, before grandma...

I continued following the road until it turned into a path of dirt and areas where the grass had worn away. I ducked underneath a hedge that consisted of just sticks. I remember when the leaves had been large and a lucious bright green, as soon as Grandma moved into the cottage the leaves had turned a brownish yellow and withered and fallen off. I guess not even the plants liked being around Grandma. I noticed plants and animals became even scarcer the closer I came closer to the house and I tried to picture the countryside that had existed years ago.

I crossed the mossy path and a growl emerged from my throat as I stepped over a rotting log that had a strange looking mold beginning to grow all over it. The birds that had been pecking at the tree flew in the air in circles as I shook of my cape and crouched on the ground letting the corners of my lips come up to reveal a shiny line of sharp yellow teeth, I bared my teeth and lunged forward, diving dramatically on one of the birds just catching it in my paws and breaking it in my hands. I felt sick as I watched a line of crimson red appear where I had slit its neck.

My stomach turned over as I lifted the dead bird to my mouth with my paws and ripped off it's head with my teeth. I spat out it's head using my paws to get rid of the soft feathers and I felt faint as I saw the lifeless head bounce onto the ground and roll onto the old vegetable patch, landing next to a spiderweb and the skeletal remains of a crow. I licked off the blood with my tongue and I placed the birds body in the wicker basket next to the bread, just the way Grandma liked it.

I keeled down on the ground next to the birds head, gazing at my paws which were now covered in blood. I looked down at my feet and finally my face in a nearby puddle, the reflection making me gasp. A scar weaved down my face in a vertical line. I tilted my head to the side remembering how grandma wolf had grabbed me and scratched my face smiling as my face screwed up in pain.

I lifted up the birds head and dug a shallow pit, placing the head into the hole and scraping a bit of dirt over it. I crossed myself, closed my eyes and sent a prayer out to the birds soul, hoping it would catch it and forgive me for the awful thing that I had done. Suddenly I heard a loud irritated tapping at the window and I straightened up just in time to see the curtain swing shut.

I hurried up to the door a tear sliding down my cheek like it did every day as I walked up the steps to Grandma's door and rapped on the door. Placing the wicker basket on her doormat as I left, making sure to pick up my cloak as I left and wrapping it around me to cover my wolf body. Hiding my disgusting form, just like I did every day...

Ohohohon~ As your rival in said contest, allow me to review your work! Hmm....it was definitely twisty, but to be honest it wasn't that fractured. As least, in my opinion.Red Riding Hood is a wolf, so is her grandmother. Why is her house a "hellhole" because of that? Such questions were still unanswered as I read through your story. I suppose, to be fair, you may happily review mine as well. Stay away from axmen and wolves (they'll eat you!)and happy writing!

A very interesting piece, with an intriguing premise. Some minor grammatical errors here and there did detract from the flow of it, but otherwise, great work. My only criticism is that you could have prolonged revealing the twist a bit more. With a title like 'Red Riding Hood' I would have gone for a 'big reveal' at the end, to surprise the reader. On a more positive note, it captured my attention, and made me read on. With some minor adjustments, you could go on to make this even stronger than it already is. Cheers

Hey there teammate!
Because you asked so nicely, here's your review

DreamingForever wrote:I sat on the cold stone seat and watched as Grandma paced back and forward glaring at the ground. "How could you, Lucy?" she asked me in a disappointed voice. I leaned back into the seat as she walked toward me. "How do you think I should punish you?" she asked in a demanding voice, shivers run down my spine and I shrugged my shoulders quickly staring down at me feet obediently. "I have an idea Lucy," she replied in an icy tone smiling at me.

This is a good first paragraph in that it creates the right amount of mystery and suspense. On the other hand I think you need to watch your speech and the way it is formatted. Each time the Grandma speaks, you use 'in a ... voice' or 'in a... tone' and this can feel very repetetive. Watch out for that!

DreamingForever wrote:"You deserve this Lucy," said Grandmacomma standing at my feet towering down on me and casting a shadow over me.

DreamingForever wrote:You deserve this," repeated Grandma

try using 'she' instead of 'Grandma' for a change.

DreamingForever wrote:I walked along the dustycomma cobbled street holding a small wicker basket tightly in my handfull stop It wasjust large enough to fit in a juicy lamb leg and a small baguette cut neatly into two halves lightly buttered on one side, with a neat ironed napkin folded into a triangle and placed on the bottom just poking out of the side.

Woah! Mammoth sentence! Try to split it up a little. I've attempted to do so above, but feel free to play about with it until it feels just right.

The rest of the story is good, but I can't help noticing you start many of your paragraphs with 'I'. It's not a big issue really, but you may find that it becomes repetetive.
Happy Review Day!
Icy

Hello, fellow Gryffindor here to review! Let's start, shall we?

I sat on the cold stone seat and watched as Grandma paced back and forward glaring at the ground.

I'd say, instead of "paced back and forward", say "paced back and forth." There needs to be a comma between forward and glaring.

"How could you, Lucy?" she asked me in a disappointed voice. I leaned back into the seat as she walked toward me. "How do you think I should punish you?" she asked in a demanding voice

You say disappointed voice, then demanding voice. Get rid of one of them.

shivers run down my spine and I shrugged my shoulders quickly staring down at my feet obediently. "I have an idea Lucy," she replied in an icy tone, smiling at me.

Horror struck my face as Grandma pulled of her crimson red cloak and sunk her teeth into my pale, unbruised cheek and started the process of turning me into a wolf.

I fell off the seat and curled up into a ball, shaking violently and rocking back and forward trying to distract myself from the excruciating pain. A line of red began to drip from my cheek creating a puddle of red on the floor.

"
Once again, say forth instead of forward, and a comma is needed between forward and trying.

"You deserve this Lucy," said Grandma, standing at my feet, towering down on me and casting a shadow over me. This is a sentence fracture. Making me feel as small as the two deadly bite marks which were ingrained on my cheek for eternity. "You deserve this,"

I walked along the dusty cobble street holding a small wicker basket tightly in my hand. It was just large enough to fit a juicy lamb leg and a small baguette cut neatly into two halves, lightly buttered on one side, with a neat ironed napkin folded into a triangle and placed on the bottom just poking out of the side. Everything fit neatly into the basket and a red and white checkered cloth was placed neatly on top all the sides tucked down into the basket so that nothing would be able to fall out.

I'd say cut out the "just poking out of the side". I think it may be too much description.

It hung down to my feet and it gave an eerie atmosphere wherever I went.

I don't really like this sentence, but it could be preferance. Maybe try something like, "It hung to my feel and gave me an eerie feeling whenever I wore it. Love the word eerie, by the way.

As I approached the town, I listened as happy shouts turned to timid whispers.

I remembered when the leaves had been large and a lucious bright green, but as soon as Grandma moved into the cottage, the leaves had turned a brownish yellow and withered and fallen off.

I guess not even the plants liked being around Grandma. I noticed plants and animals became even scarcer the closer I came closer to the house. I tried to picture the countryside that had existed years ago.

The closer I got to the house.

corners of my lips come up to reveal a shiny line of sharp yellow teeth, I bared them and lunged forward, just catching it in my paws and breaking it in my hands

You said paws, then hands. Which one is it?.

I keeled down on the ground next to the birds head, gazing at my paws, which were now covered in blood.

A scar weaved down my face in a vertical line. I tilted my head to the side remembering how grandma wolf had grabbed me and scratched my face, smiling as my face screwed up in pain.

I hurried up to the door, a tear sliding down my cheek like it did every day as I walked up the steps to Grandma's door and rapped on the door.

You said door twice. I think it diminishes the emotion of this amazing ending.

Okay, I know I come off as nitpicky, but I really love this. I think you do a really good job portraying emotion, and your characters seem lifelike. Wolves are a big thing right now, and you did a good job not making me go, uhhggg wolves. Remember to use commas, don't use TOO much description, as a reader, I personally like having some things not told to me. Last but not least, make sure to stay in third person, you slipped up a couple of times. Other than that, once again, it was great!

Redvines,
Sak.