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Young Writers Society


A Chit-Chat with Death, Chapter 1.



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Thu Sep 08, 2011 8:50 pm
roostangarar says...



Once I had devoured my breakfast, and shot out of the door before my mother could pester me about money and schoolbooks, I strode down the pavement towards my bus-stop. I live on the High Street of a small town in the Scottish Borders, that straddles the main road linking Edinburgh with the English border. It gets pretty busy, but since the council put in a Pelican crossing over the road it's gotten a lot safer, especially for the smaller children who go to the primary school.
I wandered into the newsagents for a bag of Skittles. Whilst pondering whether to get plain or sour, I considered the results of a war between the different colours and decided it would be a good idea for a story on YWS. I fumbled for a pen to write it down before I forgot, and scrawled a few words on my hand. Sliding my pen behind my ear, I paid for my sweets and exited. Emerging into the bright morning sun, I looked both ways along the road. Deciding it was clear, I sauntered over at a leisurely pace.
"Hey Dan!"
I raised my hand in return greeting to my friend Bob "Davey" Grange, just as a sleek silver car appeared from nowhere on my left. My head snapped round as it barrelled towards me, and the whole world seemed to slow to a crawl. I dived forward, a part of my brain noting the look of shock on the driver's face as he yanked the wheel viciously to the right. I tumbled onto the unyielding tarmac, an ear-splitting screech erupting from the tires as he stamped on the brakes. After several deep breaths to try and slow my racing heart, I sat up, a sharp stone digging into my hand. I looked at the car where it had stalled, identifying it as a Mercedes from the badge, then towards my schoolmates at the bus-stop. They all were wearing a uniform expression of shock and horror, with the exception of Tara, who just looked like she was concentrating really hard. But to be fair, Tara's quite a strange person. She thinks she can see ghosts.
All of a sudden, the car restarted and began to accelerate away. Astonished at how callous this guy was, I instinctively threw the stone at his car.
"Arsehole!" I shouted at him, releasing my fear and anger in a single explosive throw. By sheer chance, it impacted against his rear windscreen, leaving a huge crack. Immediately it went into reverse and backed towards me, causing the traffic that had just swerved around me to veer away again. I almost ran away, unwilling to enter into a confrontation, but my mind convinced me otherwise. This guy nearly killed you, then just drove away! It told me. He's in the wrong, stand up to the bastard. I folded my arms and waited, ignoring the shouts of my friends from my left. The Mercedes driver stopped a few feet away from me, then got out and paced angrily up to me. He glared for a second, then turned to check his back windscreen. 'The bastard is more concerned about his car than a person he nearly killed!' I thought.
"You nearly killed me you prick!" I shouted at him. He looked back at me, and I thought I noticed some guilt in his expression, but then he turned back to his car and ran a hand over the gigantic tear. Incensed, I strode forward and pushed him.
"Hey!" I began, but almost as if it was instinctive, he spun and swept my feet out from underneath me. As I fell towards the pavement, I caught a flash of blue beneath me. Then a colossal surge of pain spiked through my left eye and the world turned black.

I woke up feeling as if I was suspended in mid-air. Opening my eyes and looking around, I realised I was. I then noticed I was only seeing from one eye. 'Hmm', I thought, then happened to glance down. It was an exact aerial view of the High Street in my town, except for the huge crowd gathered around someone lying on the ground. With a sense of mild surprise, I realised that the person on the ground was me.
"Well", I said, mainly to myself, "This isn't how I thought my morning would turn out."
"Trust me, it's about to get a lot weirder, friend."
I spun round so fast that I almost gave myself whiplash. In front of me, similarly suspended in mid-air, was the Grim Reaper, complete with scythe and robes. The only thing out of place was the dripping syringe in his hand.
"Congratulations!" He said in a thick California accent. "You're now officially dead."

And then I woke up.

Spoiler! :
I know there are a lot of things that probably don't make sense, or just seem bizarre, but trust me, it'll make sense in the next one. You'll just have to wait! Oh, and I was just kidding about the waking up part. Ha!
I hae but ane gallant son, and if he were to follow me in my footsteps, how proud I shall be.

Time isn't a straight line. It's a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff
  





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Thu Sep 08, 2011 9:33 pm
Starlight9 says...



This is interesting. If that spoiler wasn't there, I would have been quite shocked by the ending "I woke up" = ) The story (or the start of it) is great, doesn't have any flaws I believe. I am feeling quite excited for chapter 2. Well done :D
★L9
  





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Thu Sep 08, 2011 9:36 pm
captaindomdude says...



I liked the story premise, it's a good idea. The plot progressed well, but I felt you implimented it badly. The story was -kinda blocky and hard to read, the sentences didn't really flow together. You started so many of them with "I ____" that it felt rough. Otherwise well done, no real obvious grammar mistakes. At least not that I read, but I can't be trusted with that kind of thing. Curious to see what happens next.
"If beauty could be done without the pain, well I'd rather never see life's beauty again"-Modest Mouse.

"What lies beneath this mask is more then a man, it's an idea. And ideas are bulletproof" V, V for Vendetta.
  





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Wed Sep 14, 2011 7:53 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Roost, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Once I had devoured my breakfast, and shot out of the door before my mother could pester me about money and schoolbooks, I strode down the pavement towards my bus-stop.


I was getting ready for something life changing to happen after he had finished his breakfast and... I'm still waiting.

I live on the High Street of a small town in the Scottish Borders, that straddles the main road linking Edinburgh with the English border.


Why are you telling us this right now?

and the world turned black.


I've always found this a cliché.

"Well", I said, mainly to myself, "This isn't how I thought my morning would turn out."


Not a nitpick, but this line literally had me laughing out loud.

"Congratulations!" He said in a thick California accent. "You're now officially dead."


small h and also. I don't know but I'm Irish and I couldn't tell a California accent from any other kind of American accent, but I've been to California twice and never met anyone whose accent I would describe as "thick."

And then I woke up.


When you say this is a joke, do you mean it's part of the story or not? As in, is ait a joke within the story or just in the post?

II. OVERALL

This really amused me with the skittles and the YWS reference. Once you get into the swing of things I really enjoyed it. I think your opening could really use some work though, it's a little dull and all been done before. Since you're breaking clichés here, break with the clichéed opening and the "Everything went black" -although that said, it's probably the best way you could describe what happens. That said, I really am pretty useless and don't have a whole lot to say! I would like to know though- is this you talking or a character? Whoever it is, filling in a couple more details of character wouldn't go amiss.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  








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