Young Writers Society

And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it be less
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express

I sit and I sit. Too depraved, too emotionally and physically drained. I don’t know how many have you reached or gone through this state. When you give up on everything and absolutely everyone. Too tired to go on. Too tired to call, hold someone back; even yourself. After a long walk we sit on that bench, body cool with the evaporating sweat. Wanting to escape into a world where you don’t have to think….

Yes. For a person like me who goes wild thinking, the state is a bliss. But somehow today I sit deeply disappointed, lacking the feel. Lacking the want to converse with anyone. I don’t wanna move. I don’t wanna talk. I am so defeated. I am so tired.

The water rushes and hits the cliff, eroding it. With every force a part of the strong cliff gives way, It’s not visible. Not apparent yet. Only the hardest remain; soft lost to the waves ages ago. Once part of a great cliff, the pebbles now rest at the bottom of the salt water.

I look above and watch the clear blue sky, marred by a few clouds. The salt scented wind fills my nostrils and inflates my lungs. Every blow threatens to break me apart. Harsh words ring through my ears and I remember the pain with which hard and blunt words hit. Deep breath. A wave of breakdown evaded. I want to lie back over here and I want no one to disturb me. I have lost myself to these waves. I am pebbles, lost underwater. I am that bark, ripped from roots due to that storm, I am a healer lost in her own pain..

My dad comes and sits by me. His silence mingling with my melancholy. I think they acknowledged my prolonged absence at home. I am touched… He won’t hug me as I am a big girl now, he messes my hair with his elder, strong hands.. And.. and I fight tears no more

Hi there Euhuman! Nice to meet you! I'm WD.

So, I enjoyed a lot of the ideas going on here. You struck a few lovely lines, characterizing the main character as a healer lost in her own pain. The last image was a good one; I liked the bit with the father messing the main character's hair. A strong image and one on which you can expand. This piece involves a lot of internal dialogue and a great deal of introspective characterization, which works well in some parts, but I think it's lacking in some of the other areas of character development.

You see, now I can begin to understand what the main character feels, but I don't find myself being emotionally invested in her. Why? Because I don't really know who she is. I don't have a good sense of where she is, what her experience with her father is, how she acts when she's feeling this way. Adding some strong details like her body language, the physical manifestations of her emotion, her interaction with her setting--that would begin to develop her. I feel like this is a sketch right now, but I'd like to see you expand upon it and explore the workings of a strong character. Even the smallest details can contribute to powerful character development.

I won't drag on. In summary, I like a lot of the language here. It is lovely in places. However, language isn't usually what hooks readers. The characters do that. So, whether you continue this or work on something else, I would urge you to focus on character. Who is she? What does she do when she's feeling this way? What does she like/not like? etc. If you want more guidance on this, I can give you a few tutorials, but I'll leave it at that for now.

Keep up the great work! Keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Actually, the story is more understood by the corresponding pictures (which I post on my blog) and I am not aware, of how, to post them here.
As for her description, that has been avoided on purpose because it is like stream of conciousness and she does not want to focus on her pain 'Too depraved' as I use the word 'Fight tears no more' whole scenario is just to avoid those feelings that tend to break us apart. If you have gone through this, the impression gets clearer
I am so thankful for you to stop by and share your thoughts. That shall really help me and I will, improve it accordingly next time.
I just try keeping things shorter. Helps the readers
Thanks again! I will sure seek further guidance.

Hey Euhu, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Too depraved, too emotionally and physically drained.

too depraved to do what?

I don’t know how many have you reached or gone through this state.

I've got no idea what you're trying to say here...

Yes. For a person like me who goes wild thinking, the state is a bliss.

So they're in bliss, not depraved and drained and depressed?

But somehow today I sit deeply disappointed, lacking the feel.

What feel?

II. OVERALL

I'm a little confused as to how this is a short story. It's a very thorough description of how your protagonist is feeling at a certain point in time, but other than that I'm not really getting much out of it. Who is she, why does she feel like this? Towards the end we get mentions of her surroundings- by the sea- and her life- with her father, she's a girl. But other than that, we don't get much of a feel for her or her situation.

So as WD said, your language and images here are lovely. But I wish there was something else behind them, something to make me care about how this story ends other than its prettiness. I'm sure you have a MC in mind- show her to us, and show us why she feels the way she does. Short stories don't always even need a whole lot of plot, they just need characters, or they need something which the reader can invest in.

EDIT- just saw your reply to WD. If the pictures are online, you can use image tags ([img] and [/ img] without the space in the second one) and put a link to the picture in the middle to make it show, or you can just upload them as an attachment! I still stand by what I say that your description is good, but the story needs a little more substance.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Answers to everything. Clearly, you have never gone through this. Because as I said in the description, for the tired and defeated.

When one is tired in the long run, one does feel all drained. All depraved. No emotions and body refusing. Because if you read on, I say, 'You sit on that bench.."

State of bliss is the state of nothingness. When a person is overly sensitive, lapsing into a no-feel state might help. And as you see, the state of bliss came after the feeling of depravity. Not a hard and fast rule. Being in bliss is not jumping in glee and joy , plus I wrote.. that state is a bliss for me but today I do not feel so* If you read ahead Mademoiselle

Lacking the feel is an expression, meaning numb. http://r2square.wordpress.com/2011/06/0 ... thingness/

Next time, I'll post stuff under misc. because clearly I may have a wrong perception of short story writing here. Pardon

Thanks a LOT. Really. I really appreciate it. Thanks for telling about the image thing. Next time I'll focus on character description which, I, on purpose, avoided here.

Again, much appreciated. I am glad. I hope to hear from you again! A little support does the job.

Love

Hey! I'm not confused here at all. I get the idea why you didn't describe the character. This piece you've written was full of deep emotions. I couldn't stop feeling a tight knot in my stomach while reading it.

Euhuman wrote:I sit and I sit. Too depraved, too emotionally and physically drained. I don’t know how many have you reached or gone through this state.

Love the way you started the story. You've described the girls emotions quite well. I'm really fascinated by your writing and I'll definitely look forward to more of your work. You're a very talented writer. You have the ability to show, not tell. (Something I'm still working on) And I could feel like I was there sitting beside the girl, feeling whatever she was feeling.
An amazing effect you left on me .
Do keep writing!

Really. I am glad. I was feeling alien in here. All the same, reviews really help

I explain again that the description was avoided ON PURPOSE. I am glad, again, that you felt that way because these were just innocent feelings of a person who was turning into pebbles. The erosion not visible yet

Hey thanks for thinking me a nice writer, I do try my best. (Sorry for that knot in the stomach though)

I am sorry for my not-dropping-on-your-works by the way. I am feeling guilty

Again thanks for those kind words. They are heard rarely now a days

Love

Hello there. You know I can understand the emotion you described in the story. Sometimes you do feel that way, like all is lost and you just don't want to..... respond. Strong expression and good imagery. I liked the last paragraph especially. Nice job, keep writing. Best wishes