Young Writers Society

I am happy to share my newest novel, 'Kindle'. I almost put it in Romance, but after a bit of thinking I decided it was best in fantasy. I hope you enjoy, this is just a basic draft of the beginning.


Snow crunched underfoot as Alice walked home, her book bag slung her over shoulder effortlessly. Frozen air drifted from her lips, fading away into the winter air. The bare trees loomed down on her, watching the girl’s movement on the frosted path with near interest. All was silent. Tossed clouds hid the sun, reflecting rays of light once glimmering against the forest floor stolen away. Alice shivered. The silence was harsh, creeping up on her like a predator stalking its prey. A few times she looked over her shoulder, expecting to find somebody following her, but each time she would find herself alone.
Silly me, she thought, forcing a smile upon her face. Why do I let my fear roam? Nobody is here but me.
Her thoughts scattered as the sound of heavy footsteps close behind her. Terrified, she froze in place, listening as the footsteps increased. What do I do? Frantic, she tried to move from her spot, but a hand grasped her shoulder tightly, and she screamed, stumbling backwards. Pain began to crawl through her body, and she leaned over, chocking back a cry.
“Calm down,” hissed a solemn voice. “You're going to change!” After a moment of bitter silence, Alice let out a sigh, and stood straight again, the pain beginning to dissolve.
She looked forward, staring at a boy with sandy blond hair and hazel eyes, flecked with gold and green.
“Dax!” Relief gripped her words. “You scared me.”
“You didn’t need to scream like that.” The boy growled softly, shuffling closer with a narrowed gaze. His face was hard with annoyance, but his eyes told a different story, one Alice could understand with ease. “I came to warn you.”
“Warn me?” She tilted her head, slowly setting down her book bag without leaving his gaze. “About what?”
Dax swallowed, growing serious. “We have…a slight problem. Danny changed. In the middle of class…” Alice’s eyes widened with alarm, but he rose his hands to calm her. “Nobody saw her change, but afterwards, it took a lot of explaining to keep them from realizing what really happened.”
Sighing in releif, she brushed her bangs out of her face and asked, “So…what’s the problem?”
“Brian...he…came to me, after class, and demanded me to explain. I told him what I had told the class, but he thought otherwise. I think he knows, Alice.”
“This isn’t good,” Alice admitted quietly. “We can’t afford to let our secret get out. Who knows what would happen if everyone knew?”
Dax nodded in distress, though he was silent.
“I’ll talk to him.” She concluded, picking up her book bag and turning away.
Dax blinked, reaching out for her. Alice stopped at the touch of his hand against the tip of her fingers. He quickly pulled back, looking at the ground and refusing to look up. “Do you want me to walk you home?” His voice was hoarse, yet sharp.
Alice smiled gently, stepping forward and closing her hand over his. “I’d like that.”

~ ~ ~

“Alice? Is that you?”
“Yes, Dad, it’s me.” Alice stepped inside the house, stripping herself of her winter jacket.
“How was school?” Her father grunted, however the broad man did not appear interested.
“Good.” She smiled cheerfully, but her father only returned another grunt. “I’ll be going to my room. I have some homework to do.” Without waiting for a response, she trotted up the stairs with her book bag in hand. As she shuffled into her small yet shabby bedroom, the only thing stirring in her mind was Brian. If he knows…Were all in trouble. I have to talk to him, but what do I say? He didn’t believe Dax, so why would be believe me?

You have really nice imagery here, but some of it just doesn't make sense. Frozen air drifted from her lips? Why would her lips be colder than the air around her? Wouldn't it be warmer?

Tossed clouds hid the sun

This, I like!

The bare trees loomed down on her, watching the girl’s movement on the frosted path with near interest. All was silent.

The second sentence is unnecessary, since you mention silence a mere two sentences later. Also, I dunno if trees, unless they're personified, can have interest. The imagery is great in that they're watching her, but I got a bit skeptical when they were watching her with interest.

The silence was harsh, creeping up on her like a predator stalking its prey.

Another one I like!

“Calm down,” Hissed a solemn voice.

No need to capitalize "hissed."

Who knows what would happen if everyone knew.”

I believe a question mark is in order here.

“I’ll talk to him.” She concluded

It should just be, ""I'll talk to him," she concluded."

Alice smiled gentle gently

“How was school?” her father grunted

An interesting beginning. I think you should do some more showing, and less telling, however. For example, her father didn't appear interested. What made Alice think that? Show why she would make that assumption, instead of just telling us.

I'm very curious as to what "changing" constitutes, and if Alice will be able to convince Brian, and what Alice and Dax's relationship is. Keep writing!

Frozen air drifted from her lips,

I'm going to have to disagree with the comment above, I feel like this is a good way to describe the way you can see your breath in the winter.

Tossed clouds hid the sun, reflecting rays of light, once glimmering against the forest floor, stolen away.

Her thoughts scattered at the sound of heavy footsteps close behind her.

as the footsteps grew nearer.

This is really picky, but considering she could hear them, they were already near.

“Calm down,” hissed a solemn voice.

She looked forward, starring at a boy

Only one 'r' in staring.

“Well, you didn’t need to scream like that,” the boy growled softly,

Dax quickly pulled back, looking at the ground and refusing to look up.

Alice smiled gently, stepping

Alice smiled gentle, stepping forward and closing her hand over his. “I’d like that.”

“Alice? Is that you?”

You need to transition this better. One minute she's taking the boy's hand, and the next minute, she's inside her house.

“Well, I’ll be going to my room; (period instead) I have some homework to do.”

we're all in trouble.

Aside from those nitpicks, this was written very well. It flowed easily and I got a strong picture in my head. Nice work, cheers.

Thank you both! I should have gone over it before posting. *_* Also, I pasted it from Microsoft, so her thoughts were not italized. Also the transition got messed up when I pasted it, there were a few lines before she was at her house, sorry for that confusion.

Liked it very much. the cold environment and it's description sort of preparing the reader to the

Her thoughts scattered as the sound of heavy footsteps close behind her. Terrified, she froze in place, listening as the footsteps increased. What do I do? Frantic, she tried to move from her spot, but a hand grasped her shoulder tightly, and she screamed, stumbling backwards.

part.
another thing I liked is this part:

Frozen air drifted from her lips, fading away into the winter air.

It may be just me, but it looks like a GREAT way to describe a sigh.
The part when she comes home, and especially the conversation with her dad looks like a forced connection to the next part, it looks forced, "not meant to be" part, not as good as the previous paragraphs in my opinion.
Overall, it is great and leaves me wanting to read the next part.

Thank you. Yes, I realize it's not really needed, but I'm adding to it. It doesn't end right there for that paragraph. c: