Young Writers Society

Far beyond; past many stars and planets, quasars and black holes—rested a floating city. Built purely from dark hardened liqourice, plastered with white material of an unknown kind.
Governed by a lord; obese in form, forever cursed with a broad smile of rotten teeth.

“Servant!” the Lord called, under the loud rumblings of his large door.
“Y-yes my lord.”
“Allow those men into my throne room!” he exclaimed, “The ones making that damned racket!”
His servant took a bow and scampered toward the door, clenching tight at his many keys.
“Are you sure my lord?” he perspired, pausing at the door, glancing back at his master.
“YES!” the lord thundered. “I SAY AND YOU DO!”
His servant dropped the keys with a fear-filled whimper, then quickly picked them up again and unlocked the door. Then pulled it open with all his strength.
A group of four men came bursting in, consumed with anger and hatred for something the lord knew very well.
“lord! Oh my lord!” One of them stepped forward. “ Our sweet wives are gone! Mysteriously gone!” he cried.
“How tragic” the lord released a large black smile, reaching for the large goblet at his side. “Tell me your names; before I begin counseling.” He said, raising it to his lips.
“I’m Cane” the one said, stepping forward.
“I’m sir. Sucrose” said the other.
“I’m sir. Glucose” said another, and finally “I’m Wiseman” said the last of them.
The lord put down his goblet, then let out a plague of a burp. “What a sweet drink, much like all you’re names!” he chortled. “Except you Wiseman!” he pointed his bulky finger, casting a shadow over his servant at his side.
“Now! Tell me…why do you grieve?” he asked.
The men all spoke at once, flaring their arms around, tugging at each other’s clothing in the sphere of some desperate urge to find comfort. They even began weeping, but in broken rhythm, serving lord Confection platters of irritation.
“SILENCE!!” the lord roared, permitting a stream of soda to brush past their feet by toppling his many drinks. “Now! If you refuse to speak orderly…” he inhaled, “I will dip you in syrup and…” quickly loosing breath.
“My lord!” his servant called, running to his aid. “ Are you alright my lord?”
“My…Pu…p…” the lord murmured.
“Bring in the PUMP!” his servant cried. “Bring it!”
At once a number of brawny slaves came through the large open door, each playing their part in holding up a large manual operated air pump.
“Quick!” the servant yelled. “Hurry!”
Their footing quickened and, in a moment they reached the lord, then placed the end of the pump in his mouth with much resilience.
“Fire the boulder!” the servant shrieked, drowning the groans of the slaves holding the pump up.
A large bell rang and, a weighty catapult was wheeled in to position. A man with a large axe stepped forward, and hacked at the thick rope that kept the boulder from launching, defining every muscle as he did it. Until finally, it launched.
“Steady now! Steady!” the servant commanded.
When with a large bang mingled with shrieks, the stick of the pump was pushed in and a mighty gush of wind entered the lords lungs, bringing him back to life.
“Are you alright my lord?” the servant enquired, signaling the slaves to leave.
“I don’t see a toffee apple in my hand!” he exclaimed. Before he could inhale to fuel his next set of tyrannical words, a toffee apple was placed in his hand.
“Cane!” the lord called, “Why do you grieve?” sinking his teeth into his treat.
“My wife, good lord” he stepped forward. “My sweet wife, has gone missing!”
The lord grinned.
“Sir. Sucrose!” the lord called, “Why do you grieve?”
“My wife, good lord” he took off his hat. “My sweet wife, has been kidnapped!”
The lord smiled.
“Sir. Glucose!” the lord called. “Why do you grieve?”
“My wife , good lord” he fumbled with his fingers. “Is gone.”
The lord chuckled, then broke out into a deafening chortle, gazing down upon the last of them.
“Wiseman!” he called, his laughter fading. “Tell me, why do you grieve!”
“I grieve for the unyielding ignorance of these men and you’re fattened foolishness oh, bored lord who sits and eats, commands and feeds off the very thing these men grieve for!”
The lord hurled what was left of his toffee apple out the large many layered circular window on his opposite end.
“WHAT!” he roared, but signaled his guards to stay back.
“Yes, yes my lord. I see all” Wiseman said, pacing back and forth, with his hands interlocked.
“But I am grateful. We should ALL be grateful!” he pointed at the lord’s belly. “For that! Ball of confection that sustains us!”
The lord swallowed hard and began perspiring, waiting, without blinking, for what Wiseman was to say next. “No…please…no…” he whispered. “Don’t do it.”
“My dear friends!” Wiseman continued. “Your ‘sweet’ wives and the thousands before them, have been taken and, transfigured into confectionery! The best and sweetest you can ever dream to taste!”
“GUARDS! GUARDS!” The lord rumbled. “Cut him down!”
“Devoured! Devoured! I tell you! By that beast you call your lord!” Wiseman exclaimed, unmoved my his fast approaching fate.
Two guards held him by his arms as he struggled. “Like you my dear friends! And the thousands before you!”
The third guard drew his sword. “The power of your grief and pain keeps the city afloat! Above the sour abyss! That fat man detests!”
He was then pierced. Bled and died, before the weeping men, whose tears in end melted all the lords confectionary, leaving him with nothing but an ocean of bitter consequence.

I don't know why I read this. It was all a little silly for my taste, but the fact I read it through without stopping for errors, means it was pretty good. Well, written well at least. I found myself trying to extract an allegory from it all. I couldn't really pinpoint any ideas you were playing upon, I assume something can be said here about tyranny. But if that is in fact the message you wanted to convey, it should be sudden. I shouldn't have to work it out, because readers want to be lead to the resolve, most won't make the effort of scouring back through the piece for a hint of 'moral' and nuance, something missed the first time over.

Your writing for the most part is good, so I will look at your other stuff. I think the problem here isn't a real problem at all, this was a little sweet for my taste. The conclusion came on so suddenly and without much explanation. For me it was as much a bizarre interstellar scene as it was a story, because stories don't generally leave me this unsatisfied. But like I said, this could be a matter of taste. I'm sure others will love it.

Hope that helps, I didn't do a line by line because nothing distracted me. So well done with the writing itself.

JP

I am just going to dive right in.

“Y-yes, my lord.”

There should be a comma between yes and my lord. Also, I believe a question mark would be more appropriate at the end of this sentence, but that is merely my opinion.

“Are you sure,my lord?” he perspired, pausing at the door, glancing back at his master.

Once again, comma before my lord since he is addressing him.

“lord! Oh my lord!”

The first lord should be capitalized. It is the beginning of a sentence.

“How tragic” the lord released a large black smile, reaching for the large goblet at his side.

Some sort of punctuation is needed at the end of how tragic.

“What a sweet drink, much like all you’re names!”

It should be 'your', not 'you are'. Also, consider adding an 'of' before the 'your'.

“ Are you alright,my lord?”

Comma before my lord.

When with a large bang mingled with shrieks, the stick of the pump was pushed in and a mighty gush of wind entered the lords lungs, bringing him back to life.

There should be a comma before the 's' in 'lords' to show possession.

“Are you alright,my lord?”

Comma before my lord.

“My wife, good lord”

Some form of punctuation is needed at the end of the sentences.

“Like you,my dear friends! And the thousands before you!”

Comma before my dear friends.

All in all, I liked it. It isn't exactly my sort of thing, but I found it comical and entertaining. I definitely did not expect it to end the way it did. Aside from the few grammatical and punctuation errors I pointed out, I didn't see any flaws within the story.

Good work.