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The Butterfly [Original]



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Points: 5890
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Sun Apr 23, 2006 6:08 pm
Dream Deep says...



The God spoke to the butterfly from his golden bridge on the World Edge,
calling down to it through the sky. The butterfly heard His voice as it swam in
the light of the sunset over the ocean, and soared abruptly upwards, up, up, out
of the gentle, silvery splashing of the sea, up into the clouds.
I’m here, it called out to Him in the purple-gold brilliance. I’m here.
They watched together, the butterfly and the God, as the light slowly
slipped down behind His palace at the very end of the world, high up in the
slowly darkening clouds. Last slivers of light peeked up over the horizon,
throwing themselves like darting, golden birds against the surreal, domed beauty of
Heaven. The God looked at the butterfly and smiled as the moon sneaked up in a
shrouded pale gleam.
I didn’t know colors like that existed, the butterfly told Him.
From far below, the sea swished and swirled against itself, singing
expressly to Him and the butterfly, a whispering symphony conducted by the
moon. The Aeorinthyne Sea, the sea of all the world, it was, and the only thing
it cared to sing for was the God. Tonight though, because the God had asked, it
sang for the butterfly instead, the little fluorescent bit of sky that billowed its
wings gently in time to the music.
Do you like it? the waves swish-swirled up to their butterfly. We really
hope you like it.
The butterfly did. He flew down from the golden bridge and skimmed just
over the waves’ tossing heads, throwing little bits of its light down to them so
that they would have something to play with when they were done making music.
Thank you, they called up to the little, happy butterfly as it zipped up to
the misty ethereality of the clouds. Thank you, they called up to the God, because
after all there wouldn’t even be a butterfly without Him.
There were moon shadows on the golden bridge at the World Edge when
the butterfly got back, and the God was looking down into the pitching, rocking
waves, thinking.
What is it? the butterfly asked, making a little loop in the air, still thrilled
because of the very special music that was just for it. The waves echoed it, and
so did the moon, echoing, echoing amongst the subtle, surreal, domed beauty of
Heaven and the World Edge. Is something wrong?
He was still looking down into the waves of the Aeorinthyne Sea as they
chimed up to him, What is it? What is it?
“I’ve made a world of Sea,” He said to the butterfly. “And though the Sea
is a beautiful thing to have made, it needs more.”
The butterfly wondered what it could be, letting his wings billow slightly
in the fresh breeze that the night sent to them.
More butterflies? it asked finally, in all seriousness, watching intently the
little periwinkle shapes his wings made on the golden bridge in the moonlight.
“What good are more butterflies when the World has you?” the God asked
it, leaning on the railing and smiling a bit, even though the butterfly couldn’t see
what was funny. It looked intently at the God, along with the waves, the moon
and the night and it pondered.
More fish? the Sea whispered breathlessly up at Him. Maybe?
“No.” The God leaned on the bridge railing at the edge of the World and
stared down, down into the darkness of the waves.
Angels? asked the moon, because the God had already told them of His
plans. The moon had since been waiting with fierce impatience to see the
anticipated angels.
“Not yet. It’s too soon for angels.”
Animals other than fish? the Sea asked, dredging for a suggestion worthy
of His approval, because although he was a kind God, they all wanted to please
Him. The God heard it and a moment later laughed, and the waves whispered
excitedly amongst themselves.
“My good waves,” he called down to them, leaning over the rail. “How
am I to make animals that walk on water?”
The waves found that they didn’t know, though they could tell that He
already had an answer. It seemed like a very simple question, but they pondered
amongst themselves and they remained puzzled. The butterfly couldn’t think of the
answer either, so it just hovered in the breeze at His shoulder and waited for
Him to answer the question for them all.
The God opened the rippling curtain at the end of the bridge and went
down through it into Heaven. He took the great jeweled spear that leaned upright
against His throne and came back out again to the World Edge with one step, for
the steps of the God are long and the butterfly trailed faithfully behind him the
whole way.
Land? the moon asked finally, staring at the polished wood and the silver
hand-grip, where the engraving was nearly worn away.
The God smiled at it and suddenly He wasn’t on the bridge anymore, He
was in, on and amongst cloud, with the little transparent purple butterfly right
there beside Him. He thrust down through the clouds into the Sea with His spear
and the wind flew up and around the shaft bringing waves with it, throwing the
God’s hair out around His shoulders and sending the butterfly in a little loop
from its force. The Sea gazed in awe as the shining, wet tip of the spear went
up, up, and all of the little droplets fell down, down into the Sea. The wind
blew them far across the Aeorinthyne, the Sea of the World, and as they fell, the
little droplets became land, masses of green glory in a swishing, swirling bed of
blue just as the sun rose again and marked the arrival of the second day of the
butterfly’s life and the lives of all the rest of them.

Man and vegetation followed the little crystalline droplets into the
Aeorinthyne, man evolved and marked out continents and eventually forgot about
the God. They made war against each other, holy wars and wars for land and
food and space, and never once did they look up, up, and actually see the golden
bridge in the sky, and the God that held council with His angels at the very edge
of the world.
Man made chemical wars after that, made weaponry that could kill
instantly and burn entire cities to cinder. Famine and Sickness ran wild in the
streets of the cities, and the Death followed in their wake, tormenting man in
glee. The God saw it all but did not intervene, for though he was a loving God,
the Death had a right to the world, too.
The Sea that He had created was explored, marked, charted, polluted and
fished. Man made music, loud and dissonant in the blaring of horns and the
shouting, screaming, clanking, whistling, ringing of everyday life, until none cared
to hear the Sea’s songs anymore, even at night, while the moon conducted its
symphonies for the pleasure of the angels.
The God saw all of it, millions of years later, and He saw that some of it
was good, as He stood alone in the shadow of His hall in gold-domed, invisible
Heaven. He sank down, tired, into His throne, and took a deep breath, listening
for the Sea’s song. And even though most men forgot about Him, never knew the
butterfly and never once heard the Sea sing, the animals and the tides still knew,
and He still watched over the World’s people from His bridge, and kept them all
safe.

It came at night, a forgotten butterfly dancing along on the edge of the
dawn and the light, its iridescent purple wings fluttering like shards of transparent
glass amongst the crystal, thin-veined leaves. Turquoise light shone through the
stained glass wings, over-lapping to dark blue, casting itself into spangled patterns
on the darkening trees. The sun went down slowly, giving the butterfly jewels of
light with which to adorn its wings, as the butterfly flew up, up out of the
darkening glade and into the clouds above.
I’m here, it called up, into the sky at the very edge of the world. I’m
coming.
So it was. And so it had been, since the beginning of time.
Last edited by Dream Deep on Sat Dec 15, 2007 5:04 pm, edited 8 times in total.





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Points: 890
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Sun Apr 23, 2006 8:32 pm
McPheever says...



First of all:0, I have to say you did a wonderful job in the last paragraph.

Your description of the butterfly, and it's wings were so vivid, but smooth. I have to congratulate you on doing this since at times, writers tend to get too indulgent in a reflection......but your scenery was not only vivid, but wholesome.




Dream Deep wrote:The God spoke to the butterfly from his golden bridge on the World Edge,
calling down to it through the sky. The butterfly heard His voice as it swam in
the light of the sunset over the ocean, and soared abruptly upwards, up, up, out
of the gentle, silvery splashing of the sea, up into the clouds.


Okay, I would change line "it through the sky" to "it from the sky".*sentence 1*

I would also try to add a bit of mysticism to this piece by describing the God's voice as ethereal....maybe describing it as a faint whisper....or an electric shock in the butterflies mind.

Make segment "Up into the clouds" a separate sentence. And I can see why you added "up up" two times in a row...but I think once is enough...it throws the reader off a bit.


I’m here, it called out to Him in the purple-gold brilliance. I’m here.
They watched together, the butterfly and the God, as the light slowly
slipped down behind His palace at the very end of the world, high up in the
slowly darkening clouds. Last slivers of light peeked up over the horizon,
throwing themselves like darting, golden birds against the surreal, domed beauty of
Heaven. The God looked at the butterfly and smiled as the moon sneaked up in a
shrouded pale gleam.


Change *sentence 1* to "I'm here, a "adjective" voice called; summoning the butterfly into the purple-gold brilliance".

Okay...now this is the part where you get too hasty. You were are very descriptive in some parts of the story...but this one was very sketchy.

Maybe you could set a scene when the God and the butterfly greet each other. Any simple or maybe descriptive sentence would work. But your transitioning needs to definitely work better.




I didn’t know colors like that existed, the butterfly told Him.
From far below, the sea swished and swirled against itself, singing
expressly to Him and the butterfly, a whispering symphony conducted by the
moon. The Aeorinthyne Sea, the sea of all the world, it was, and the only thing
it cared to sing for was the God. Tonight though, because the God had asked, it
sang for the butterfly instead, the little fluorescent bit of sky that billowed its
wings gently in time to the music.
Do you like it? the waves swish-swirled up to their butterfly. We really
hope you like it.


Hmmm...you don't have to do this...because you may want this story to be a montage-like depictiong, but you may want to add quotations in the musings the God is telling the butterfly.

And by this time...the story is getting a bit too bland.

Try describing the thoughts of the butterfly....where is it at?
What is the butterfly thinking?

The description of the surroundings is great..but the protagonist(butterfly) needs to be tended to.



It came at night, a forgotten butterfly dancing along on the edge of the
dawn and the light, its iridescent purple wings fluttering like shards of transparent
glass amongst the crystal, thin-veined leaves. Turquoise light shone through the
stained glass wings, over-lapping to dark blue, casting itself into spangled patterns
on the darkening trees. The sun went down slowly, giving the butterfly jewels of
light with which to adorn its wings, as the butterfly flew up, up out of the
darkening glade and into the clouds above.
I’m here, it called up, into the sky at the very edge of the world. I’m
coming.
So it was. And so it had been, since the beginning of time.


I shall stop here, because the main points and weakness of your prose is already stated above.

Add some flesh to this story.....add some kind of conflict....or add other things that will capture the reader.(*other characters, butteflies home.....food)

These small things can change a story dramatically.

^^^

Okay, I had to highlight the last paragraph because it is so very beautiful.

It's so vivid, and the text is unhalting, adding to the pleasure.

Thank you very much. You've taught me some new descriptions-_^

I could practically see the butterflies wings bedazzling my eyes.

:D
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Sun Apr 23, 2006 9:38 pm
Prosithion says...



I thought that that was very good. However, I'd have to agree with everything that McPheever said. Those little details can really change a story. :smt031
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504 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5890
Reviews: 504
Sun Apr 23, 2006 11:23 pm
Dream Deep says...



Thanks a lot, guys. I thought this was alright, but I knew it needed something different (added/fixed/killed etc). I appreciate the feedback 100% and I'm really glad that you (McPheever) took the time to read it and actually critique it. Most people don't and I can see your point about changing some of the wording and plot. :) Thanks so much! :smt117








Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
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