Young Writers Society

A disconnected scene written as a Capture That Emotion contest entry.
--
He had told her, promised her, that he would protect her.

"Muriel!"

"David! I - I'm fine!"

She was not fine. She was anything but fine. He could see the blood running down from her ear, smearing across her neck.

"I'm coming, Muriel!"

He couldn't reach her. She was too far away. He wouldn't get there before they did. The bones of his leg ground together as he forced himself to stand.

"Don't worry about me!" She was trying to smile at him, he could hear it in her voice. He couldn't see it. Everything was growing blurry; she was just a smudge of pale fabric splashed with that horrible red. And there were smudges of blue and silver getting closer to her. Closer than him.

"J-just do what you have to do, Daniel." She was getting quieter. "I'll... be fine." He could barely hear her above the roaring in his ears and the roaring outside his ears.

"I'd listen to the pretty little girl if I were you," Umen crooned, stepping between them. His aura was cold, sucking the air from Daniel's lungs. "I think I'm a bit more important than her at the moment."

Behind Umen, just out of his sight, Daniel heard Muriel scream.

"No! Damn it!"

He couldn't even see her.

"Muriel!" Another voice, not Daniel's.

Lucas.

~

"Here, let me help you." The strange man's shaggy hair covered his eyes.

"Back off," Daniel growled, cradling Muriel's head as he set her down. Her breathing was shallow and her forehead slick with sweat.

"Hey, I'm just trying to help." He'd come out of nowhere, called himself 'Lucas', helped them along the path. Muriel had liked him.

"I don't need your help. I can take care of her myself."

"Oh absolutely," Lucas snorted. "You're doing such a wonderful job of it."

"I made her a promise," Daniel said, awkwardly brushing her hair back. They'd been walking for too long, too soon. Her shackles had chafed her ankles raw and blood spotted on his arms where her legs had been curled. They hadn't been able to get the chains off.

"I promised her that I would save her."

~

"Daniel!" Lucas's voice was high and frantic. "I'm coming!"

I - I can't reach her... I can't reach her...I can't...

The clash of weapons rang out, cutting through the panicked haze of Daniel's thoughts. Hauling his spear up, he deflected the lazy blow Umen swung at him.

~

"You always take such good care of me," she told him, her eyes crinkled into a smile.

"O - of course I do." He could feel his cheeks getting hot, even over the heat from the fire. "Feh, it's not like you could take care of yourself anyway."

She didn't say anything, but her face fell a little. He backpedaled quickly, trying to figure out what he'd said wrong.

"I mean, with those chains and everything. Even I couldn't get very far by myself with them on."

"I'm sorry. I'm being a burden, aren't I?" She rubbed at the shackles again, something she was doing more and more often now.

He snorted. "Please. I told you I'd take care of you and so I will."

~

"Listen to me!" It was hard to breathe, let alone shout. Umen barely shifted his weight, but it was all Daniel could do to cast aside another strike. He hissed and groaned as Umen's sword skittered across his knuckles, slicing off just the barest layer of skin.

I always save her. I promised.

"Lucas!"

I can't... This time, I can't... save her...

"Lucas! Save Muriel!"

He couldn't get out of the way fast enough. He screamed through clenched teeth as the bones in his shoulder cracked. Umen didn't even bother to pull the sword back, just kicked Daniel off of it.

"Daniel!"

She could see him. Somewhere, she could see him, but he couldn't see her. There were only stars and darkness and somewhere, Muriel's voice screaming his name.

You'd better save her, Lucas. I promised.

I really love the way this piece was organized. You created a story with lots of action, balanced by an insight into the characters. I found myself caring a great deal about your characters. The imagery of the fight scene was extremely realistic and I felt like i was right there, watching Daniel protect Muriel.

My only comment would probably be where you say:

Her shackles had chafed her ankles raw and blood spotted on his arms where her legs had been curled. They hadn't been able to get them off.

I did not know which subject from the first sentence was being referred to as the object in the second sentence. Perhaps make this clearer.

Nonetheless, you have really created a great piece and I'd love to see more like this story. Thanks!

It's not really fair, you sort of leave us hanging. Where's the rest of the story?
*so frustrating*
Anyway, I really liked this, but there are a few grammar points. I'm not too keen on grammar, so maybe you should go through and check.
Also, since this is for the emotion contest...
I noticed that the emotion you picked was pride, but this has very little to do with pride. The hero stubbornly trying to save her, of course, would be pride. But maybe perhaps something else as well, affection? Anyway, the main emotion that I really saw throughout the story was desperation: refusing to let go. Clinging to life and the hope that somehow, he can save them. Maybe that's just me, though.

All in all, I really enjoyed this. It's almost more of a novel excerpt than a short story, so I'm not sure if it will do well in the contest because of that. But I loved it and I'm sad that there isn't more.

(BTW, "anime send-off." Which series per say? I kinda pictured "Bleach" but I guess it could go for almost any shonen...)

Okay, first, I really really liked this. It's different and exciting. Even though we barely know the characters, I still like them, and feel bad for them.

Now, with that said, I have absolutely no idea what's going on.... I mean, they're fighting someone and they're prisoners of some kind, and there's some dude named Lucas that's helping them... But.... why are they prisoners? Who are they running from? What is actually going on, here?

Maybe I'm just slow, but the only thing I gathered successfully from this was that he wanted to protect Muriel and couldn't. The story itself kind of jumped around and parts were missing and I was left with a bunch of questions by the time the story was actually over. Uhm... hmm... you know that movie Premonition? Where each day is out of order? And you have absolutely no idea what's going on until the absolute end of the movie? Well.... this story is kind of like that, I guess, except I still don't know what happened.

Her shackles had chafed her ankles raw and blood spotted on his arms where her legs had been curled.

This is the only sentence I didn't quite understand. It's more the second half of the sentence that's all jumble-y in my mind. "blood spotted on his arms where her legs had been curled"? Like.... he was carrying her and the blood from her ankles spotted his arms? If that's what you mean, then I think it'd be better to rephrase that, because it actually took be a lot of thinking to come up with what it could mean XP

... So uhm.... who's Umen? Is he like... the dude who was sent after them to kill them, or whatever is going on here? Or... someone else? Like I said, not quite sure what's going on here.

So aside from the utter confusion, somehow I reeeeeeeaaaally liked this. Yeah, I'm not sure how, in the jumble of flashbacks and fighting and screaming, my mind shouted "ZOH MY GOD, THIS IS AWESOME!!" but... meh.... somehow it did. XD

Althoughhhhh.... I didn't get "pride" out of it.... I got excitement or desperation or.... something, but not pride, really. Maybe if you explained it to me, I would be able to see what you were trying to convey, but I really got desperation more than pride.

But, still. I very much enjoyed this. Very. Very. Much. (Even though I was uber confused.... somehow.... XP)

I really like this story! It is clear that you are a talented writer
The plot is exciting, the story is well-writen, and your characters are very dynamic and realistic. Even in this short piece I was able to feel connected to them and they seemed very real.
My only problem with this is that I feel like I was just thrown into the story. This seems like the second half of a story. I'm not really sure what is going on. Is this some sort of war story? Is Umen after them specifically or is he killing a large amount of people and they are trying to kill him to protect the others? How do the characters know each other and why are they in this situation? There are a lot of questions that I had as I was reading this.
Your descriptions are very good, but I don't really know much about what the characters look like. There is a lot fo missing information in this piece.
I did really like the ending though! You could definetly continue this story if you chose to, but I like how it ends. It's a dramatic cliffhanger, without leaving the reader really frusterated and really confused. It did just end and leaves the reader hanging, but you did itin a way that made it not so abrupt. I don't feel disappointed. It was a powerful ending
Overall I think you have a really good story here! There is lots of action and I like the characters. I just think you need to write a first part to this. There are too many questions and missing information. Keep up the lovely writing!

Hey Gryph.

*Late*

So, you know I like this. I'm going to try to go into a bit more detail than that as I reread and give some more judge-like feedback.

The first thing that caught my attention was how not standard for the contest this is. I hesitate to say "unique" because, as you said, it's a tribute to the hot-blooded heros of anime. It's a well written tribute and it's not to one particular character, so it helps a lot, but it does have a very clearly predefined feel because of your source material. But for the contest, it was very unique, which made it stand out. Not to say that the tribute style was bad, but, yeah. I could see a bunch of other characters and settings mixed in with yours.

One thing I would have liked to see was an attempt to work pride in more. It's subtle, but I'd like to have seen a bit more showing. It's the undertone for sure, but I think you could've let it peak out a few more times. Maybe not— the story is well-written as is— but the story was a bit too superficial for me to really get pride out of it. I only got a little because I know the genre and saw it in hindsight.

The way you twisted the song and emotion around was fantastic. Each was their own character, which gave this some dimension. It also kept it fresh, so you didn't fall into the "song is the plot" trap that's really easy to reach for. It showed good writing and good thinking, which is really what I was looking for.

Overall, this was really good writing. But I find you could have showed the emotion more without really changing the style of the piece. I liked what you did, but I'd have liked to see a bit more of the meat of the contest: mixing song, emotion, and originality.

PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey