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Cosmos (Outer Space) Part 4



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Wed Jul 27, 2011 9:50 pm
ZannaShepherd says...



Kill for the second best~

I rested my head against the inside panel of the hovercraft, the cool metal a welcomed distraction from my pounding headache and roiling stomach. I rarely ever spent anytime in a hovercraft because I hardly ever went anywhere, so now, on this exploration of the galaxies, I was finding that not only was I claustrophobic, I also got craft sick.

“Hey, Key you doin’ ok?”

I glanced to my right where Chess was crammed next to me, a mildly worried look on his face.

“Unm,” I replied, not wanting to talk for fear of hurling my breakfast.

“Lion, when’s the first stop?” Who, squished on the other side of Chess, asked. “I really don’t want to be locked in this box when Key explodes,” he added, worriedly eyeing me.

I gave him the dirtiest look I could muster in my current state, which was downright pathetic, but hey, who can blame a girl for trying?

“It shouldn’t be long now,” Lion called over his shoulder from the front seat where he was manually piloting the ship. Lion hated using auto pilot, ever since the time it had failed on him and he’d been badly injured, so he always insisted on controlling the craft himself. Never let a machine do a humans job, he’d always told us, because a machine only does what it’s told, and can’t think for itself.

“Don’t worry Key, I’ll get you something for the sickness at the next stop, I promise the rest of the trip won’t be like this,” Lion consoled, glancing over his shoulder at me.

I returned to pressing my head to the cool metal. Whatever. That was then and this was now, and right now I was wallowing in misery.

“Oh, what’s that?” Pixie, lounging about in the front seat, quipped, pointing at a flashing light, on the instrument panel in front of Lion.

“I’m not sure,” he answered, distractedly flipping a few switches. “It’s indicating that an aircraft is approaching, but I’m not receiving any information on it, which isn’t possible . . . unless.” Lion didn’t finish, as an incredible force hit the hovercraft, forcing us against our restraints painfully, and bringing the hovercraft alive in flashing warning lights and blaring alarms.

“Damn!” Lion cursed, his hands flying over the board of instruments with lightning fast reflexes. “Hold on kids, we’re in for a bumpy ride.” He met our scared yet determined gazes, and gave us a wry smile. The lights flickered on and off, and on again. As we waited, in the calm before the storm, I glanced at my companions, not knowing if this was the last time I would ever see their familiar faces.

And then it happened, a scenario that would never stop haunting me. An explosion, that made the first hit pale in comparison, became our world and the lights went out, forever.

My heart pounded in my chest to an ever increasing beat. Everything was pitch black, but far from silent. Terrible roaring filled my ears, laced with panicked shrieking. The sound carried with it absolute terror and chaos. Letting the noise wash over me, I realized that the loudest scream was my own. Fighting the overwhelming sense of panic that racked my very core, I tried feebly to grip my slipping sanity. Just as I felt that I had found a flicker of something akin to saneness, an immense jolt ran through my body, sending tremors of pain, like lightning running through my nerves, and star bursts behind my eyelids. I was dying; there was no other explanation for this pain I felt. I was in agony and nothing could save me.

Feel no more, feel no less~

Silence. It screamed in my ears worse then any noise could have. Noise brought with it the confirmation of life, no matter how bad the outcome was. Silence only brought with it the fear of death.

Slowly I opened my eyes, preparing myself for the worst. But once again, darkness was all I saw. Maybe something was wrong with my eyes? Trying to move my hands to my face, I found them pinned to my sides. Panic gripped me as I realized my whole body was paralyzed, and I could feel nothing.

Adrenalin rushing through me, I fought futilely against myself to gain control. As panic took hold, I started hyperventilating, my every breath becoming forced and unnatural. Tears raced down my cheeks and great sobs racked my body, making it even more difficult to breathe.

“Help,” I heard myself whisper, and then I was screaming. I knew no one could hear me and that my desperate plea fell on dead or dying ears, but my primitive instincts for survival had kicked in, and no matter how useless it was, I had to try.
“Key?!”

My heart soared as I heard a faint yet sure voice call out. Hysteria replaced my fear and I tried with my whole being to answer, barely managing a squeak. Was it my destiny to die here and now, like this? No! I couldn’t die. I wouldn’t die.

Taking short gasps of breath, as that seemed to be all I could manage at the moment, I tried to focus my thoughts and relax. If I could activate my powers, there was a chance I might be able to escape my impending doom.

“Key, answer me! Where are you?”

What little concentration I had shattered and became none existent as Lion’s voice, filled with terror, an emotion I’d never thought him capable of possessing, called out much closer than before.

“Here,” I managed to feebly gasp, knowing it wasn’t loud enough for him to hear. I knew then I would die as Lion’s voice drifted further away, taking with it my last hope to live, and my will to survive.

My claustrophobic, adrenaline filled mind could take no more and I was almost relieved as I felt it loosen its grip on reality and I faded out of consciousness.


I don’t know how long I was out, just that I woke to a strong pair of arms holding me and once more I could see and move.

Relief poured through me. Reviving me enough to register that the neon green substance that filled my vision was not in fact, grass, as I had originally thought, but was Chess’s hair. As I continued to join reality, and my mind and vision cleared, I realized that Chess had been the one to rescue me from the grip of death and was currently carrying me to an unknown destination.

Feeling a tad bit better, safely enclosed in Chess’s embrace, I allowed myself a peak over my rescuers shoulder. The sight that met my eyes, brought with it confusion and fear.

Besides the unfamiliar terrain that surrounded me, bleak and sickly looking, what stood out most was the disfigured mound of metal at the end of a long trail of skid marks. My stomach clenched as I realized that, that hunk of metal was what was left of our tin can hovercraft, and the thing that I had been trapped in.

As the shock hit, my heart constricted. Where was everyone else? Had they even survived? Frantically glancing around me, I felt Chess tighten his grip on me and I finally let my gaze meet his.

He looked little better than I felt. Dirt and blood, from numerous gashes lacerating his face, caked his skin and hair, and an expression I was sure mirrored my own stared with worry and fear back at me.

“Chess! You found her?”

Our locked eyes broke apart as Lion’s voice came from nearby. Turning to the left I found Lion racing towards us, and he quickly drew even with Chess. I was surprised as in the next second he took me from Chess as if I weighed little more then a feather, and held me tightly to him.

Lion had never been the hugging type, and this plus the tears cutting through the filth on his face, was a first for me.
“I thought you were dead,” Lion muttered, holding me close to him and stroking my hair, as if to reassure himself I was really there.

“Lion, how’s Who?”

Lion loosened his hold on me enough so that I could breath normally again, and to my relief turned to Chess. I wasn’t quite comfortable with this new side of Lion, and I was also anxious to find out about my companions.

“He’s stable for now, but we need to find help soon,” Lion stated, his voice returning to the serious down to earth Lion I knew I could rely on.

“Key, do you think you can stand?” Lion asked, once again returning his attention to me. I nodded my head yes, not sure as to what his concern was. Other than feeling like I’d been hit and run over by a land craft, I felt surprisingly fine.

“Ok, just put your weight down slowly,” he advised, lowering me gently out of his grasp.

Letting my legs straighten, I felt a sharp pain but I ignored it as I prepared to hold my own weight. Pressing my feet to the ground, an involuntary scream was ripped from my throat and I crumpled into a heap on the filthy ground as a searing pain shot up my leg.

Lion and Chess were kneeling on either side of me instantaneously, as I writhed on the ground trying desperately to escape from the pain.

“Key, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t positive if it was broken or not. I shouldn’t have let you try to stand,” Lion stuttered frantically, pulling me into a sitting position and straightening my leg.

“I’m fine,” I slurred deliriously, my mind drowning in pain that the adrenaline no longer hid.

“Key, I need you to listen to me.”

I focused slightly as Lion held my chin in his hand, forcing me to look into his eyes.

“Chess, Pixie, and I are going to shove the hovercraft over the cliff not far off and cover our trail as best we can. We’ll be gone for a little bit, but we’re going to be right over there and if you need one of us, just call ok? I promise we’re not leaving, you understand?”

I nodded, slightly humored that Lion still thought I was afraid of being alone, but grateful nonetheless and watched as Lion and Chess got to their feet. A small movement in Lion’s hair caught my hazy attention, and I realized it was Pixie as Lion reached up and removed the small mouse from his grime encrusted locks, and she began to morph.

Pixie materialized in front of me, looking much like her usual self, except for the blood, covered from head to toe in filth. She gripped my shoulders and her eyes scanned my face as if to confirm it was really me. Satisfied, she threw her arms around me, making it hard to breath.

“I was so scared,” she whispered in my ear, and I could hear the restraint in her voice as she tried not to cry. “I thought I would never see you again.”

“Don’t worry Pixie,” I tired to console her, returning the embrace. “You’ll have to try a lot harder then that to get rid of me.”

Pixie pulled away and gave me a shaky smile. She stood and the three of them walked away in the direction of the hovercraft. I bit my tongue, and tried my best to push the pain away.

I could get through this, I kept telling myself. I had been trained to endure much worse, and at least I was alive.

I must’ve dozed off, because the next thing I remember was a firm grip shaking me hurriedly awake.

“Key, wake up. We’ve gotta get Who to help.”

It was Chess.

I perked up at this and, as fear filled me, I tried to stand, reintroducing myself to the pain in my leg, though it wasn’t nearly as bad as before.

“Take it easy, Key,” Chess warned. “You’re healing well, but it’ll be at least a couple more hours before you can walk.”

“What about Who, what’s wrong with him?” I couldn’t keep the panic I felt from filling my voice.

“I don’t know, but he’s in really bad shape. He’s still unconscious,” Chess explained, as he wrapped his arms around me. Holding me close, he carried me away from the scene of the accident and my nightmare.

I relaxed; hopefully the worst was behind me.

Looking up at Chess, a feeling akin to shock raced through me. Now that my mind was calmer and I wasn’t freaking out, I realized that I had never been this close to him. I mean, of course there was the odd scuffle now and then, but that was always fast and furious, not intimate like this. Cocoons that had been sealed for the last fifteen and a half years inside of me, burst apart, releasing an explosion of butterflies. As Chess returned my gaze, I quickly looked away and killed my newly born feelings with shame. Chess was like a brother to me, there was no way he would, or could ever be, more than that. Besides it was against the law for Powers to be in relationships. Especially with other Powers.

The Order was afraid of what the outcome could be. They already had a hard enough time controlling us and were determined not to have to deal with something even more powerful. That was why it was forbidden for Powers to procreate; the offspring would be even more powerful then the parents. The gene that gave us our powers was not originally hereditary, but once one had it, the gene would be passed down through the generations, only becoming stronger, and that fact alone scared The Order.

“Pixie, pick up that end and make sure not to drop it. That’s the last thing Who needs right now.”

Lion’s voice cut through my thoughts, bringing me back to our current problem.

My insides twisted in horror at the sight that met my eyes. Who’s broken body lay on a thick sheet of upholstery, someone had procured from the wreckage, turning red with his blood. Glancing over him, I found Who barely recognizable. His face was swollen and purple, covered with dirt and blood, like the rest of us. Deep wounds covered his body and his legs seemed strangely limp, hanging at odd angles.

I flinched as Who drew in a loud gasping breath and began to stir. Pixie and Lion quickly joined him, and Chess moved closer.

“Lion?” Who whispered.

“I’m right here buddy,” Lion replied shakily, gripping Who’s hand tightly.

“I-I can’t feel my legs,” Who stuttered, tears flowing freely down his filthy face.

“It’s ok, you’re going to be alright,” Lion reassured him. “We’re going to get you help.”

Who didn’t reply, just stared at us with scared eyes.

“OK Pixie, are you ready?”

Pixie nodded and, returning to her end of Who’s makeshift gurney, gathered up the corners. Lion mirrored her position, and on the count of three they raised Who from the ground. He screamed. A sound of absolute pain and anguish, ripping through me like a knife. As the scream died, Who did not stir again, and I knew he was unconscious. The only hint he was still alive was the uneven rise and fall of his chest.

I could stand it no longer. Whimpering, I buried my face in Chess’s neck, and I was grateful as he held me tightly to him. But looking away turned out to do little for me as the image of Who’s mangled body was imprinted on my mind and refused to leave.
  





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Reviews: 33
Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:30 pm
livurdestiny says...



This is a very good story since this is part 4 it works for the other chapters. I really love the details and who you can let me be drawn into the story. I really loved the characters and the way you put them in like How do I say This a way that there almost real. I hope this will be a movie one day cause I know I would watch it over and over and over again I an really happy That you wrote this cause. A time Ago I had read a book about 4 teenage outer space friends and they do almost like what yours do I got the book from the library and when I tell you that It was not at all detailed It was poorly written and I was made because I know that the author could have don't better. But I just love your because it is more It has more emotion and more details more feeling that, That book I read I should not even call it a book because It was for the teen part of the library with only 10 chapters and as you can see a really good book ( That is not for little first time readers) Have more than some stupid 10 chapters. And cause what the chapters was not even long they where 2 pages each I just love your but it is okay if it is a long book and only has 10 chapters if they have long chapters. So keep up the good work and if you are not to old I will surly add you.
  





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Points: 1900
Reviews: 12
Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:09 pm
StandStrong says...



Spoiler! :
I rested my head against the inside panel of the hovercraft, the cool metal a welcomed distraction from my pounding headache and roiling stomach. I rarely ever spent anytime in a hovercraft because I hardly ever went anywhere, so now, on this exploration of the galaxies, I was finding that not only was I claustrophobic, I also got craft sick.

“Hey, Key you doin’ ok?”

I glanced to my right where Chess was crammed next to me, a mildly worried look on his face.

“Unm,” I replied, not wanting to talk for fear of hurling my breakfast. Been there. Know what it feels like.

“Lion, when’s the first stop?” Who, squished on the other side of Chess, asked. “I really don’t want to be locked in this box when Key explodes,” he added, worriedly eyeing me. I would put a period at the end of explodes, then add "he worriedly eyed me" as a full sentence below it.

I gave him the dirtiest look I could muster in my current state, which was downright pathetic, but hey, who can blame a girl for trying? I both love and don't know about the sentence from "hey" onward. I like the voice of the character, but the terminology makes it sound too...earthy.

“It shouldn’t be long now,” Lion called over his shoulder from the front seat where he was manually piloting the ship. Lion hated using auto pilot,no comma ever since the time it had failed on him and he’d been badly injured, so he always insisted on controlling the craft himself. Never let a machine do a humans job, he’d always told us, because a machine only does what it’s told, and can’t think for itself.

“Don’t worry Key, I’ll get you something for the sickness at the next stop,period I promise the rest of the trip won’t be like this,” Lion consoled, glancing over his shoulder at me.

I returned to pressing my head to the cool metal. Whatever. That was then and this was now, and right now I was wallowing in misery.

“Oh, what’s that?” Pixie, lounging about in the front seat, quipped, pointing at a flashing light,no period on the instrument panel in front of Lion. I would move "quipped" up next to Pixie so you don't have so many commas.

“I’m not sure,” he answered, distractedly flipping a few switches. “It’s indicating that an aircraft is approaching, but I’m not receiving any information on it, which isn’t possible . . . unless.” Lion didn’t finish, as an incredible force hit the hovercraft, forcing us against our restraints painfully, and bringing the hovercraft alive in flashing warning lights and blaring alarms. I don't understand what hit them. Can someone yell "torpedo" or something?

“Damn!” Lion cursed, his hands flying over the board of instruments with lightning fast reflexes. “Hold on kids, we’re in for a bumpy ride.”new line He met our scared yet determined gazes, and gave us a wry smile. The lights flickered on and off, and on again. As we waited, in the calm before the storm, I glanced at my companions, not knowing if this was the last time I would ever see their familiar faces. don't need "familiar". We geddit.

And then it happened, a scenario that would never stop haunting me. An explosion,no comma that made the first hit pale in comparison, became our world and the lights went out, forever. I accept this last comma because it has an impact factor to it. Otherwise, I'd say delete it.

My heart pounded in my chest to an ever increasing beat. Everything was pitch black, but far from silent. Terrible roaring filled my ears, laced with panicked shrieking. The sound carried with it absolute terror and chaos.<--sentence not needed, it's implied. Letting the noise wash over me, I realized that the loudest scream was my own. Fighting the overwhelming sense of panic that racked my very core, I tried feebly to grip my slipping sanity. Just as I felt that I had found a flicker of something akin to saneness, an immense jolt ran through my body, sending tremors of pain, like lightning running through my nerves, and star bursts behind my eyelids. I was dying; there was no other explanation for this pain I felt. I was in agony and nothing could save me. <--would like better description rather than telling. Where does it hurt? Does it hurt to breathe? Can she breathe?

Feel no more, feel no less~

Silence. It screamed in my ears worse then any noise could have. Noise brought with it the confirmation of life, no matter how bad the outcome was. Silence only brought with it the fear of death.

Slowly I opened my eyes, preparing myself for the worst. But once again, darkness was all I saw. Maybe something was wrong with my eyes? Trying to move my hands to my face, I found them pinned to my sides. Panic gripped me as I realized my whole body was paralyzed, and I could feel nothing.

Adrenalin rushing through me, I fought futilely against myself to gain control. As panic took hold, I started hyperventilating, my every breath becoming forced and unnatural. Tears raced down my cheeks and great sobs racked my body, making it even more difficult to breathe.

“Help,” I heard myself whisper, and then I was screaming. I knew no one could hear me and that my desperate plea fell on dead or dying ears, but my primitive instincts for survival had kicked in, and no matter how useless it was, I had to try.

“Key?!”

My heart soared as I heard a faint yet sure voice call out. Hysteria replaced my fear and I tried with my whole being to answer, barely managing a squeak. Was it my destiny to die here and now, like this? No! I couldn’t die. I wouldn’t die.

Taking short gasps of breath, as that seemed to be all I could manage at the moment, I tried to focus my thoughts and relax. If I could activate my powers, there was a chance I might be able to escape my impending doom.

“Key, answer me! Where are you?”

What little concentration I had shattered and became none existent as Lion’s voice, filled with terror, an emotion I’d never thought him capable of possessing, called out much closer than before. <--I like the elements of this statement, but you need to lay them out better. Remove the comma behind voice and you will already be much better off.

“Here,” I managed to feebly gasp, knowing it wasn’t loud enough for him to hear. I knew then I would die as Lion’s voice drifted further away, taking with it my last hope to live, and my will to survive.

My claustrophobic, adrenaline filled mind could take no more and I was almost relieved as I felt it loosen its grip on reality and I faded out of consciousness.



I don’t know how long I was out, just that I woke to a strong pair of arms holding me and once more I could see and move.



Relief poured through me.<--I'd say put a comma here to link it to "reviving" In --> I would remove "in fact" (which you would need to add a comma before and after, and you have plenty as it). Reviving me enough to register that the neon green substance that filled my vision was not in fact, grass, as I had originally thought, but was Chess’s hair. As I continued to join reality, and my mind and vision cleared, I realized that Chess had been the one to rescue me from the grip of death and was currently carrying me to an unknown destination.

Feeling a tad bit better, safely enclosed in Chess’s embrace, I allowed myself a peak over my rescuers shoulder. The sight that met my eyes, brought with it confusion and fear. <--how is she being carried? Thrown over his shoulder? Is her butt facing forward, or is he holding her piggy-back style?

Besides the unfamiliar terrain that surrounded me, bleak and sickly looking, what stood out most was the disfigured mound of metal at the end of a long trail of skid marks. My stomach clenched as I realized that,<--no need for comma. Double "that"s happen sometime. that hunk of metal was what was left of our tin can hovercraft, and the thing that I had been trapped in.

As the shock hit, my heart constricted. Where was everyone else? Had they even survived? Frantically glancing around me, I felt Chess tighten his grip on me and I finally let my gaze meet his.

He looked little better than I felt. Dirt and blood, from numerous gashes lacerating his face, caked his skin and hair, and an expression I was sure mirrored my own stared with worry and fear back at me.

“Chess! You found her?”

Our locked eyes broke apart as Lion’s voice came from nearby. Turning to the left I found Lion racing towards us, and he quickly drew even with Chess. I was surprised as in the next second he took me from Chess as if I weighed little more then<--than a feather, and held me tightly to him.


Lion had never been the hugging type, and this plus the tears cutting through the filth on his face, was a first for me. <--I know what you're trying to say, but it's come out pretty muddled. Also, you need a comma after "this", so I would leave off the optional comma before "and".

“I thought you were dead,” Lion muttered, holding me close to him and stroking my hair, as if to reassure himself I was really there. <-- dwaaa. Touching moment.

“Lion, how’s Who?”

Lion loosened his hold on me enough so that I could breath normally again, and to my relief turned to Chess. I wasn’t quite comfortable with this new side of Lion, and I was also anxious to find out about my companions.

“He’s stable for now, but we need to find help soon,” Lion stated, his voice returning to the serious down to earth Lion I knew I could rely on.

“Key, do you think you can stand?” Lion asked, once again returning his attention to me. I nodded my head yes, not sure as to what his concern was. Other than feeling like I’d been hit and run over by a land craft, I felt surprisingly fine.

“Ok, just put your weight down slowly,” he advised, lowering me gently out of his grasp.

Letting my legs straighten, I felt a sharp pain but I ignored it as I prepared to hold my own weight. Pressing my feet to the ground, an involuntary scream was<-- you can remove "was" to make it sound better ripped from my throat and I crumpled into a heap on the filthy ground as a searing pain shot up my leg.

Lion and Chess were kneeling on either side of me instantaneously, as I writhed on the ground trying desperately to escape from the pain.

“Key, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t positive if it was broken or not. I shouldn’t have let you try to stand,” Lion stuttered frantically, pulling me into a sitting position and straightening my leg. <--poor Lion. Bet he feels terrible.

“I’m fine,” I slurred deliriously, my mind drowning in pain that the adrenaline no longer hid.

“Key, I need you to listen to me.”

I focused slightly as Lion held my chin in his hand, forcing me to look into his eyes.

“Chess, Pixie, and I are going to shove the hovercraft over the cliff not far off and cover our trail as best we can. We’ll be gone for a little bit, but we’re going to be right over there and if you need one of us, just call ok? I promise we’re not leaving, you understand?”

I nodded, slightly humored that Lion still thought I was afraid of being alone, but grateful nonetheless and watched as Lion and Chess got to their feet. A small movement in Lion’s hair caught my hazy attention, and I realized it was Pixie as Lion reached up and removed the small mouse from his grime encrusted locks, and she began to morph.

Pixie materialized in front of me, looking much like her usual self, except for the blood, covered from head to toe in filth. She gripped my shoulders and her eyes scanned my face as if to confirm it was really me. Satisfied, she threw her arms around me, making it hard to breath.

“I was so scared,” she whispered in my ear, and I could hear the restraint in her voice as she tried not to cry. “I thought I would never see you again.”

“Don’t worry Pixie,” I tired to console her, returning the embrace. “You’ll have to try a lot harder then that to get rid of me.”

Pixie pulled away and gave me a shaky smile. She stood and the three of them walked away in the direction of the hovercraft. I bit my tongue, and tried my best to push the pain away.

I could get through this, I kept telling myself. I had been trained to endure much worse, and at least I was alive.

I must’ve dozed off, because the next thing I remember was a firm grip shaking me hurriedly awake.



“Key, wake up. We’ve gotta get Who to help.”

It was Chess.

I perked up at this and, as fear filled me, I tried to stand, reintroducing myself to the pain in my leg, though it wasn’t nearly as bad as before.

“Take it easy, Key,” Chess warned. “You’re healing well, but it’ll be at least a couple more hours before you can walk.”

“What about Who, what’s wrong with him?” I couldn’t keep the panic I felt from filling my voice.

“I don’t know, but he’s in really bad shape. He’s still unconscious,” Chess explained, as he wrapped his arms around me. Holding me close, he carried me away from the scene of the accident and my nightmare.

I relaxed; hopefully the worst was behind me.

Looking up at Chess, a feeling akin to shock raced through me. Now that my mind was calmer and I wasn’t freaking out, I realized that I had never been this close to him. I mean, of course there was the odd scuffle now and then, but that was always fast and furious, not intimate like this. Cocoons that had been sealed for the last fifteen and a half years inside of me, burst apart, releasing an explosion of butterflies. As Chess returned my gaze, I quickly looked away and killed my newly born feelings with shame. Chess was like a brother to me, there was no way he would, or could ever be, more than that. Besides it was against the law for Powers to be in relationships. Especially with other Powers.

The Order was afraid of what the outcome could be. They already had a hard enough time controlling us and were determined not to have to deal with something even more powerful. That was why it was forbidden for Powers to procreate; the offspring would be even more powerful then the parents. The gene that gave us our powers was not originally hereditary, but once one had it, the gene would be passed down through the generations, only becoming stronger, and that fact alone scared The Order.

“Pixie, pick up that end and make sure not to drop it. That’s the last thing Who needs right now.”

Lion’s voice cut through my thoughts, bringing me back to our current problem.

My insides twisted in horror at the sight that met my eyes. Who’s broken body lay on a thick sheet of upholstery, <--no commasomeone had procured from the wreckage, turning red with his blood. Glancing over him, I found Who barely recognizable. His face was swollen and purple, covered with dirt and blood, like the rest of us. Deep wounds covered his body and his legs seemed strangely limp, hanging at odd angles.

I flinched as Who drew in a loud gasping breath and began to stir. Pixie and Lion quickly joined him, and Chess moved closer.



“Lion?” Who whispered.

“I’m right here buddy,” Lion replied shakily, gripping Who’s hand tightly.

“I-I can’t feel my legs,” Who stuttered, tears flowing freely down his filthy face.

“It’s ok, you’re going to be alright,” Lion reassured him. “We’re going to get you help.”

Who didn’t reply, just stared at us with scared eyes.

“OK Pixie, are you ready?”

Pixie nodded and, returning to her end of Who’s makeshift gurney, gathered up the corners. Lion mirrored her position, and on the count of three they raised Who from the ground. He screamed. A sound of absolute pain and anguish, ripping through me like a knife. As the scream died, Who did not stir again, and I knew he was unconscious. The only hint he was still alive was the uneven rise and fall of his chest. <-- poor Who!

I could stand it no longer. Whimpering, I buried my face in Chess’s neck, and I was grateful as he held me tightly to him. But looking away turned out to do little for me as the image of Who’s mangled body was imprinted on my mind and refused to leave.<--good ending. I mean, in the writing style, not in what's happening. Poor Who.


Once again, a very nice chapter, easy flow from one event to another. This is a time when you are showing the need for growth in the characters, and I like that.

I do wish understood who attacked them--or at least speculation about it.

It seems I uncovered a lot more nitpicks this chapter from the others. You need to keep from using so many comma splices! Break it up into different sentences or rearrange the order so it read through with minimal pauses. Each pause you make should have a reason to it.
I suspect I will make the comment quite a bit more since you (like me) are consistent with your writing.

So, good job, best of luck working on the commas in your editing.
Bob: hmm, there's a lesson in all this.
Mr. Eglamore: Okay. Let's hear it.
Bob: Never let sixty angry kids use a herd of laser cows to take over your house.

Gunnerkrigg Court is awesome.
http://www.gunnerkrigg.com/archive_page.php?comicID=632
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 2675
Reviews: 60
Sun Aug 28, 2011 10:06 pm
Narnialover4ever1 says...



Ooh great part!!

My favorite was probably this...
'
'My heart pounded in my chest to an ever increasing beat. Everything was pitch black, but far from silent. Terrible roaring filled my ears, laced with panicked shrieking. The sound carried with it absolute terror and chaos. Letting the noise wash over me, I realized that the loudest scream was my own. Fighting the overwhelming sense of panic that racked my very core, I tried feebly to grip my slipping sanity. Just as I felt that I had found a flicker of something akin to saneness, an immense jolt ran through my body, sending tremors of pain, like lightning running through my nerves, and star bursts behind my eyelids. I was dying; there was no other explanation for this pain I felt. I was in agony and nothing could save me. ''

It was very good! Great job describing!! :D
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again'

'Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar. I wonder if she's feeling well.
With a dreamy far off look.
And her nose stuck in a book' Something my best friend, Drew, said about me
  








Some twenty years from now, users will ask a similar question about world famous Chicken poetry and Google will tell them about alliyah.
— Hkumar