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A Guardian’s Tale



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Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:24 pm
HibiscusBlush says...



A Guardian’s Tale . . .


Evolet hunched forward in a shallow cave on Mount Ku’Za. The hood of her white cloak masked her eyes. Icy mists of air escaped her lips while she breathed. Words of the argument she had with her father haunted her.

“Mount Ku’Za, it is our nearest chance to find the healing herb for a cure.” Her father had said in sorrow. “Without it, we harbor no hope.”

“But I am our hope!” Evolet said. “Every warrior is falling to the infection just as rapidly as the villagers—”

“No!” Her father barked, outraged. “I would die myself before I let you roam the depth of Senraia.”

“Father, they are dying! Mother is dying! You are too old but I am young, strong, and aware of the land. I can go and return in time.”

“Evolet!” His sharp eyes silenced his daughter.

In the dead of night, light snow feathered the air as her journey began. As time pressed on, high winds whirled around her making it difficult to see. The snow was like prickly needles biting at her face. Evolet had dealt with such conditions before so she fought through and knew that no matter what, she had to reach Mount Ku’Za.

By sunrise, weary and cold, she reached the foot of the mountain where she came upon a shallow cave. The walls were laced with crisp green vines of healing herb. Evolet had quickly stuffed her satchel to the brim. When she had swiped all that she could, she prepared to return home but noticed that the weather had gotten worse. She started to worry she wouldn’t make it in time.

She sat, hunched forward in the shallow cave. Hidden beneath her hood, tears of grief and frustration steamed in her eyes like white-heat. Jaw-clenched, she breathed heavily through barred teeth. Time was running out for her village.

“I am not weak!” Evolet screamed, in a voice raged and raspy.

“No,” She whispered, leaning her head back against the cave wall. “You are wrong, father. I will come.”

Her eyelids squeezed shut trying to regain control. “I am strong. I will find a way!”

Suddenly, her eyes flickered open, towards the opening of the cave. Motions through the swirling snow made Evolet tense. She turned but before she could grasp the handle of her one-sided blade, a white blur appeared in the corner of her eye.

A shriek broke from Evolet at the sudden sight; a giant white wolf, as large as a horse, stood valiant before her. He came closer and though Evolet knew he was harmless, his presence paralyzed her. His eyes gentle, his face solemn, he lowed himself to his belly and gained full eye contact with her.

Time slowed, seeming to revolve around the two. Memories flashed between them of a time when he was an injured pup, separated from his pack and Evolet’s family cared for him. They had grown fond of each other and bonded while he recovered. Once he was better, Evolet shed heartbroken tears and had never forgotten about him since.

“Gore…” Evolet breathed, wide-eyed. “It is you!” She sprung at him joyfully and wrapped her arms around his large neck, disappearing in his thick fur. “Oh, my Gore…”

Gore huffed softly as if to chuckle and nestled his head against her.

She pulled back to admire him. “A Guardian of Peace . . . How magnificent! Seeing you again brings me great joy, my friend.”

He nuzzled his nose into her cheek and Evolet’s face blushed in a smile as she ran her fingers through his satin coat.

“You’ve grown immensely, haven’t you?”

Gore’s wise blue eyes grew curious when he saw her smile fading.

“My village, Gore, a rare illness has spread among my people.”

Concerned, his brows wrinkled, as he listened intently.

“Many will die if I do not return home in time with the healing herb.”

He gave a quick nod and stood, as did she. Gore brushed his face to hers, turned to the side and lowered himself as if to signal. She looped the straps of her satchel across her torso and climbed on top.

With a determined stride, Gore surged out through the opening of the cave. His muscles coiled and rippled as his thundering gallops crossed the snow-blown grasslands. Straddling his back, Evolet leaned into him, both heads forward splicing the wind.



An eerie silence lingered in the woodlands of Ghonna, the sky a dreary gray. Gore eyed the area with suspicion while Evolet dismounted to stretch her legs and he nudged her as if to tell her to stay.

While he ran to stake out for danger, she ventured a short distance to a snow clearing. She sighed deeply and placed her gloved hands on her hips, gazing around. It was wide and open, stretching down along the tree-line. Although the wintry-white land was captivating, Evolet never realize danger lurked beneath the surface. Crack! Her eyes darted around. Tiny slits, like a cracked mirror, streaked toward her. It traveled rapidly until suddenly multiple fractures shattered the ice around her, leaving her stranded on a wedge of ice.

“AAAHH!” Evolet slipped and struggled to figure out what to do. Frantic, she scrambled grasping at the edges to hold on. She didn’t know what to do. Her horror stricken eyes searched for Gore and met his.

He raced alongside the frozen river and lunged ahead of her in the water. Against the current, he strode to Evolet, gripped the ice with his teeth and guided her to the other side of the bank.

Evolet slid off the ice onto the ground and trembled in deep breaths. Gore gave a shake; water rolled from the thickness of his fur and fluffed dry. When she looked in Gore’s face, her eyes watered. He tenderly nestled his face to hers and she looped her arms around his head. He rose, lifting her to her feet with him and then placed his nose to her heart.

“Home. . .” Evolet breathed. With that he turned to the side, lowered himself and she climbed on.



They slowed to a stop a little ways from the tall, wooden gates surrounding Evolet’s village. She jumped off and ran her hand along Gore’s coat, slowly moving in front of him. Her sparkling gaze fell on her home. She made it . . . her people would be healed.

“Thank you, my friend.” She told Gore, looking in his eyes. “Always will I be grateful for your loyalty. It would be selfish of me to ask you to stay.”

A burning sensation tightened her throat and tears welled in her eyes. “You are a Guardian of Peace. You must be free!”

Then she motioned a sign she once taught him. “We will be together again.”

Gore nodded once, love radiating from his eyes. He stepped forward and nestled against her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in the thick of his fur.

Her body shook, racked with sobs. “My warrior.” Her voice was tight and emotional. “Be courageous. Be safe, my friend. I will miss you greatly.”



Gore’s eyes followed Evolet as she hurried to her village and just before she entered the gates, she looked back, grinned and waved. A smile softened Gore’s face and he turned to go, fading over the snowy hills.
Previously known as Aloha
  





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Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:27 pm
livurdestiny says...



By sunrise, weary and cold, she reached the foot of the mountain where she came upon a shallow cave. The walls were laced with crisp green vines of healing herb. Evolet had quickly stuffed her satchel to the brim. When she had swiped all that she could, she prepared to return home but noticed that the weather had gotten worse. She started to worry she wouldn’t make it in time. Is my favorite part of it is there going to be any other chapters? Also there were some mistakes with punctuation, But other than that I believe it was a good wholesome piece
  





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Reviews: 25
Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:38 pm
HibiscusBlush says...



Thanks, livurdestiny! =)

This piece is one of my favorites I've ever written. I've thought about extending it, and I might down the road, but I love it as a sweet, short tale for now. :D I'm really glad you like it! Thank you for the comment.
Previously known as Aloha
  





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Thu Jul 28, 2011 2:34 am
Bhayden71297 says...



Hey! Long time no talk huh? ;p

Just as I said, I stopped on by. And by the looks of it....i have almost nothing to correct! Amazing peace. Brilliant. Well done.

BUT I do have a few opinions on some sentences

Aloha wrote:Evolet hunched forward in a shallow cave on Mount Ku’Za. The hood of her white cloak masked her eyes. Icy mists of air escaped her lips while she breathed. Words of the argument she had with her father haunted her.


The opening sentence is great! Catches your attention right away. The only thing I have to comment on is the other two sentences after. They are too...to the point? I can't exactly describe it. But they It sounds as if your making a list almost though. Try to screw around with those maybe and add some description? Maybe even put them together? I think the only reason it sounds strange to me is because they are about the same length and have the same "beat". Whatever you think is better.

Aloha wrote:By sunrise, weary and cold, she reached the foot of the mountain where she came upon a shallow cave.


I think this could be reworded. Where you placed "weary and cold" makes the sentence awkward. you really have to find where the right emphasize goes to understand what your trying to say. Maybe something like- "Weary and cold by sunrise, she reached the foot of the mountain where she came upon a shallow cave. Anything you prefer. As long as it appeals to you. This is my opinion remember.

I think, that just about covers the only things that got me when i read this. The rest is amazing. Simply touching...
Great job! If you ever need anything reviewed, just tell me. I'd be happy to.
-Brie :D

(P.S. I LOVE the names :P)
"None but ourselves can free our minds." ~Bob Marley
  





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Thu Jul 28, 2011 8:11 pm
TwinSeed says...



Let me start by saying, thank you for asking me to review this. You did a great job. Everything was so detailed, except the people. I actually felt cool while reading it. Simply amazing.

Secondly, I suggest you make some background stories for these characters; I'd like to know more about how she grew up to be such a courageous woman and more about Gore.

Now to nitpick..
I feel that these three lines should be put into the same paragraph, with a little more action:
“I am not weak!” Evolet screamed, in a voice raged and raspy.

“No,” She whispered, leaning her head back against the cave wall. “You are wrong, father. I will come.”

Her eyelids squeezed shut trying to regain control. “I am strong. I will find a way!”


A shriek broke from Evolet at the sudden sight

This line is very well written, one of my favorites of the story.

This is better than a lot of things I've read in a while, and you've really put some talent into it. Nicely done Ceely, you're a great author. Keep it up.
--Brandon
xoxo
.We don't exist.
  








"Be yourself" is not advice. It's an existential crisis waiting to happen.
— Hank Green