Young Writers Society

Hey There!
Sorry but I'm not a great reviewer

A few nitpicks:

It’s much too early for you to be walking - no less running after the birth

you will take my child and raise the child it as if your own

Overall~ I really liked it, I would have enjoyed a few more descriptive sentences but I thought it was good and that it had potential!!! Good luck and I can't wait to see more!

Hey,
It's good to see some new work of yours. This is cool and exciting. Some of the sentences aren't as thought out as others, but that will come as you read over it and get more reviews.

This country was far different from theirs. A land of sand and serpents - Quaika.
Okay, this confused me. So the reader knows you're still talking of their country and because it sounds a little less awkward, you should just trade the first period in for a comma. I love your names by the way.

None ever went hungry, nor sick. Joy of living ruled their lives; for that reason they did not see the band of men coming to their homes.
In every country at least a minority goes hungry, and everyone get sick every once and a while. The whole sad, mean country overtaking the happy, peaceful, perfect land is... too fairytale-ish for what I think you're going for. It's also prone to being one dimensional.

Screams of agony came from mothers as the Quaikians took their babies and killed their older offspring before their eyes.
This has the potential of being a great sentence, but why wouldn't the Quaikians kill the men, the biggest threat, first? Also, I had to read it three times before I actually understood what you meant.
If you wanted to make it more readable, I would cut the 'before their eyes' because that's used often anyway and switch the order of the sentence around. Put 'killed their older offspring' before 'took their babies.' Do what you think is best, of course.

The last was a guard that both the king and queen trusted with their very lives.
Is the guard a prisoner? You make that clear later, but it was making me wonder now, and I don't think you meant to have it be a mystery.

She forced herself to take the thought from her head and made herself focus on the task a head.
Hand not head.

“Esmeralda.” the queen spoke, hurrying to the maid and the aid to her quiet newborn child.
The maid and the aid doesn't make much sense, but I could just be dull. By aid, do you mean the care of her child? I'm not sure, so I don't know how to tell you how to fix it. Just make it clearer.

Worry heard in her voice.
This is a dependant clause, so you need to connect it to the sentence before, or you should add a was in there.

“I trust you with my life - as well of my husbands.
The first part of the sentence is great. The second sounds... off. There's some grammatical reason. I just don't know it. I've heard this kind of sentence as "As well as that of my husband's." That might be what you're looking for instead. Also, since her husband owns his life, you need an apostrophe between the d and s of husband to show ownership.

I am giving you a chance to redeem yourself of your petty crime.
Small thing, but I really, really want to know what the guard did. It takes my focus off of the story, so you might as well tell us, unless making us wonder is the plan.

the guard nodded and rushed out of the room, followed by the nurse and the queen.
The needs to be capitalized.

“My time has ran up, dear cook.
Ran should be run if you want to keep the sentence this way, but it doesn't sound eloquent enough for the queen or for the moment.

“You were and are a great queen, your majesty.” she proclaimed fast as she ran past the queen.
Fast isn't right. Quickly, I think.

In a matter of minutes the Bermandians lay in blood, theirs or their fellow workers.
Apostrophes in theirs and workers.

Okay, so I like what I call "classic themes" and this definitely falls under that. I like what some people would call "cliched" with the queen giving her life for her people and handing her child to a trusted guard. Just be careful not to overdo it.
I never knew what gender the baby was. Maybe that's purposeful, but I'd like to know.
I already like the guard, and we hardly know him. I would like to know his thoughts on being given such a huge responsibility.
I hoped this review helped.
Megsug

Heellue you, Megsug made a quite impeccable review and grasped almost every flaw with this so I will only tell you what i like about this; And that is.... The imagery, you begin with beautifully described settings and stuff even though you drop it towards the end. I also.. No wait i have to inflict my helpful comments as well! I think for a prolouge you have a bit too much to say, you don't seem to be able to focus on one thing and intruducing an intriguing story instead you try writing everything that's going on and it all get's a bit messy.. So. With that said, I'll end with saying this is great beginning but it needs order and a little editing and polishing.

For a good start I'll give you 3/5 evil little spiders!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hey DeadEnds!! I know that I said I would review this earlier, and I'm really sorry that I didn't! I'm here now though, and I'm glad that I'm able to review such a good piece!

“I thank thee.”

So before I really begin to critique, I wanted to say that the main reason I like this story so much is because of the feel of it! It has a very Narnianish feel, if you get what I mean. I think that it has a lot to do with the language that is used, but your writing style is somewhat similar to C.S. Lewis' as well - or at least your writing style reminds me of his. You don't really focus on the minute details, you let readers use more of their imagination. Also, you do have a bit of a fairy-tailish vibe going on, but I think that that's a good thing! The Chronicles of Narnia had the same vibe, yet it was still a really powerful and moving story.

Now on to the actual meat of the review! I'll try to keep from being unnecessarily redundant.

A band of men, the color of sand, rode dark stallions to a small country by the name of Bermandia. This country was far different from theirs. A land of sand and serpents - Quaika. Bermandia lay in dark and dense woods; though the miserable surroundings, the people were vibrant and happy. None ever went hungry, nor sick. Joy of living ruled their lives; for that reason they did not see the band of men coming to their homes.

The word "Though" here doesn't really fit. Maybe you could try "In spite of", or you could totally reword the sentence to say "Though the surroundings were miserable". As Megsug has already stated: some of your sentences are sort of worded in a way that isn't too pleasing to read. So this is just one of those times.

Shaking vigorously, the queen ran as fast as she could to the chambers she shared with her beloved husband. At the very thought of her husband falling from his stead, defeated, made her majesty choke on tears. She forced herself to take the thought from her head and made herself focus on the task a head.

This is a bit the same as the last quotation. The sentence is just a bit scrambled up. Try taking out the "At", or maybe take out "made" and say "her majesty began to choke on tears". Just suggestions. I'm not going to focus any more on these types of errors, I'll more get into the flow and the feel of the story.

As I said in the beginning, this story has a very Narnia-ish feel to it. I think that it's partly because you fly through the action and the different scenes pretty quickly, which sort of gives the whole piece a sort of sense of urgency, excitement and adventure. I actually have nothing bad to say about the flow or style of the story! I absolutely loved it, and I would totally read this book if I randomly picked it up in Barnes & Noble!

There are some more minor errors that have not been mentioned: leaving out words, errors in grammar, etc. Those are all easily fixed though and I think that if you make the rest of the book as exciting and interesting as this segment, you have a great chance at becoming a published author! Just my opinion though, take it or leave it.

Happy writing!!
-HP