Young Writers Society

CONTAINS SWEARING, you're warned.



He had to run, had to get away. He had to get away from that… thing chasing him. He couldn’t force his legs to move any faster. The crisp air of the night had already caused his lungs and throat to start burning. If he tried to push himself, he feared that he would collapse from exhaustion. He knew what was after him; he just refused to admit it.

It was toying with him, playing with him, much like any predator would. It was as much about the hunt as it was about the meal.

Christ, what had he gotten himself into?

He slid around a corner before running down the alley before him. If he could just get back to the main roads it would leave him alone. Openly killing where everyone could see would be disastrous for them.

He dared to look back, only to see nothing there. Had it left? Was he stupid to ask that question? He got his answer when he looked back, seeing a towering being before him. He skid to a halt and stared on, horrified. Oh shit! He took several quick steps away from it, but it matched his steps.

In a second, it was in front of him, locking eyes with him. He let out a gasp of fright and looked back into its gaze; horrified and mystified at the same time. Its eyes were… red; the deep color of blood. Shit, this was bad. Why hadn’t he listened to Christine? She had told him not to go out but he was too stubborn to listen. He had to get that damn order out to Henry or he’d have his hide. It couldn’t have waited until tomorrow, oh no. Maybe he wouldn’t be stuck in this shitty situation face-to-face with this damned thing if he had listened to her.

He became aware of it taking his head into its hands lovingly before it leaned down to his neck, sending sharp pains through his body as it bit down. He couldn’t bring himself to struggle, couldn’t even bring himself to cry out for help. Why? He sure has hell wanted too. In what seemed like eternity, it finally let go of him. When it released him he fell to his knees, gripping his neck as if it’d ease the pain.

Fuck it hurt! He felt like the life had been drained right out of him. What the…? There was something wet and warm on his fingers. Blood… He looked up, seeing it just standing there, watching him. Why hadn’t it left yet? Did it want to fuck with him some more? Maybe it wanted to watch him die? Maybe it still wanted to do something to him, some perverse thing after he had finally passed away.

“Drink,” it commanded. Drink what? He became aware of something against his lips. He felt himself complying with its demand against his wishes, opening his mouth and feeling a warm liquid drip and wash over his tongue. It felt… strange and sickening at the same time; thick like molasses almost. Whatever it was, though, he craved more of it. As if it knew, it offered its arm, which he bit into without thinking. He suddenly reached up and grabbed its arm but it made no reaction, watching him with the same red eyes. He wanted more of it, which startled him, but the being pulled itself away from him, letting him fall to his hand and knees.

His mouth was still wet from its blood, he could feel it coat his chin and neck. What had he done? What had he been forced to do? His body was shaking. He couldn’t tell if it was from shock or pain. Maybe it was both?

“You’re going to do amazing things, Garrett White. Don’t forget that.” It smiled to him, the rest of its face enveloped by shadow. What was that supposed to mean? He stared on at it, realizing how crazed he must have looked as it left him alone in the alley. He let out a sudden yell as pain flared through his body. It intensified as the seconds dragged on, causing him to cry in agony.

The last thing he remembered was darkness taking him.

Wow. So . . . I really like this! It draws you in, gets you interested in what is going on with the kid--he has two somebodies that might care about him, Christine and Harry; he appears to be young; he's sort of an idiot in a cute, doltish sort of way (doesn't he know not to walk in dark allies?); and he freezes up like I do. Basically, he garners sympathy and is interesting. You went a mite heavy-handed with teen lingo (not nearly as bad as "Dragonhaven", though) and perhaps with language, but, hey, I don't mind. The only thing is it looks normal if you use it too much--it ends up looking muted, rather than giving a shock.

Anyway, I liked it. It made me sort of think about the beginning of "Interview With the Vampire", but it was good and you seemed to--add some spice to the idea? You managed to describe things well, anyway. My writing mentor says not to say the emotion the character is feeling, only what the character is feeling ("My clothes grew sopping from the cold sweats that started up as I stared into the eyes of the beast" or "He winced as he listened to Mary talk; words he didn't want to hear coming from her mouth"). Yet, it wasn't obvious, so good show.

Now, I have one nitpick. Feel free to toss or contemplate it, but just thought I might point out what was bothering me. As for the ellipses thing, it's pretty much rampant, but this was the only part that bugged me. It just stood out.

Original: "Its eyes were… red; the deep color of blood. Shit, this was bad."

My Version: "Its eyes were . . . red; red, the deep color of blood. Shit, this was bad."

Reasoning: It has a better look and according to some 'how to use ellipses' research there should be spaces between the end of the word and the first period, the periods themselves, and then the next word--but that was on legal writing. Personally, I try to avoid using many (if any) ellipses in my creative writing because they're normally used for an omission of information, even if they do work as pauses. I tend to use dashes. Still, it works. (In other news, researching the use of ellipses might be good, anyway. Obviously I needed to as well, because I merely thought you just used three not spaced periods and had no space between the end and the next word. You were a bit more right than me.)

So, yes. There you are and good luck with your writing. I hope to see more interesting pieces like this.

-Casper

Oh, wow I liked this.
I got my attention in the first couple words, and I never felt the urge to press the back button like I sometimes do.
Your characterization was good, but cspr already covered that. You did a good job with emotions, here, as well as description. I don't remember seeing the word 'vampire' but its blatantly obvious that it was one.
I'm looking forward to seeing more of this story.
And now, for a few nitpicks. Sorry if you don't like these.

He skid to a halt and stared on, horrified. Oh shit! He took several quick steps away from it, but it matched his steps. I personally find the wording of the parts I made red a bit strange.

He sure has *as* hell wanted too *to*

In what seemed like eternity, it finally let go of him. I find the wording of this weird.

Keep writing!
Vela

@ Cspr - Do you mind if I call you Cas? I'm a little confused on your review. You point things out, but then you go back and you praise them. Maybe I'm just having a blonde moment here, but it was just a tad confusing. For the centence that you pointed out, I actually like your's more, but from what you said I'm 'more right'? I'll look into it.

Interview with a Vampire was probably somewhere back there influencing things, though I hadn't intended for it to come out in that way. I see how you see that though. I could change that around, though I'm not sure how, yet. Thanks for the review also!

@ velar - Nitpicks are good! They help writers grow. :) I'll make the changes, and I can see how they'd be awkward. Thanks for your review though. <3

I'm just curious, did either of you read the original?

~ Wolfy

Hey,
The basic content and the descriptions are all perfect for a prologue. They lure a reader into the story.
However, as a reader, there were two things that put me off a little bit.
The first one is swearing -- it adds a teenage-immaturity to the piece. They sort-of disrupted the flow and the profanities stood out.
The second one is the first person quality in the third person narrative. For me it doesn't work here.
For example

He had to get away from that… thing chasing him.

Christ, what had he gotten himself into?

Shit, this was bad.

To fix both of these things I would recommend converting them into the character's thoughts.
If the swearing and the first person-ish (sorry for the cheesy word) narrative were italicized they will be more in the flow rather than disrupt it.
I hope I helped.

Dee