Young Writers Society

Home. Home, sweet home. So they say.



I have never heard such a lie in all my life.



Have you ever been at the point of absolute devastation? At the point of such depression, you become physically sick? It's much worse than that. My name is Devin. You'll probably hate me. Everybody does. This is my story. Read it. It is not enticing. It is not a masterpiece. But it is true.



Well...let me introduce you to my family. My father is a drunk, and my mother is dead. She died when I was very young. And my father, that abusive creature, says that she died of a heart attack. Struck in the middle of the night. He says she never felt a thing. That her death was painless.



But I know better.



She is not dead. She has run away from our pitiful home. I would to, but that, unfortunately, is not likely to happen. I rarely leave our small apartment, and when I do, it is only under careful supervision from my father. I am his slave. When I do not obey him, I am beaten. Would you like me to show you my bruises? I am damaged. I am broken. I am only a small, shattered fragment of a human. I have little education, but I can read and write.




I must go now. My father will return to our apartment very soon. He has probably been at the local bar. Perhaps running from the police. It wouldn't be the first time. Perhaps we can talk tomorrow? If only for several minutes. I would treasure time with anybody besides my father. I know it is selfish of me. To ask of something that cannot be gotten back. Your time, and love. But I need it ever so much. I need it now more than ever.



Did you hear that? That was the slam of the door. My father has come back. Perhaps tomorrow?

Wow... you just bottled more emotion into a short story than most full-length novels. I have no idea how you captured a character that well, and I think my heart really is hurting right now. The narration is so direct and wan that there's really nothing I can say to improve this... it's perfect. I feel so bad for Devin too, and I hope I read sometime about how he recovered or escaped from his father. That would be a great story.

My only quarrel with it is that, if he has no education, how is it that he's writing this, speaking to us? Did he teach himself to do it? Did someone take pity on him and do it? Maybe I'm over thinking? I tend to do that...

Is it based off of a true story? Did you come up with it on your own? Whatever the answer, it's really good. It's very powerful, very direct. I'm curious to see more, if there is going to be more. I hope there is. :) Other than that education thing, I see nothing else wrong. I'm eager for more.

I also think it's flooding with emotion, but it lacks detail. And I would have to agree with the review before me, how is he writing this with no education? I'm also debating on the style of this. I don't like the whole writing like someone is there thing. The beginning seems to start off sounding like he's just writing,

Home. Home, sweet home. So they say.



I have never heard such a lie in all my life.

And I really liked that. But then you seem to go into a different style as if someone is actually there. Why is this person there and how did they get there? How do they know him? Like I said, detail.

It's hard to review things like this because I know how hard abuse is to write and I don't want to offend you in any way, but I also want to give you an actual review and not just tell you I liked it. I must say I'm having a hard time seeing the reality in this. Abuse is a hard subject, and I know there's different cases everywhere but this is not a case I'm seeing possbile. A slave? He can't read and write? With most abuse cases (depending how old the child is) the child doesn't see anything is wrong until they are much older. They feel like this is supposed to be life because they haven't known anything better. Especially if you say he's rarely ever outside. But as they get older they may start to see something they never saw before. I guess I can't judge because you never mentioned how old this boy was, but I'm assuming he's a bit younger from his personality (but I could be wrong).

You're also doing a lot of tell rather than show, especially in the second to last paragraph:

It's been nice meeting you. I rarely meet anyone. I must go now. My father will return to our apartment very soon. He has probably been at the local bar. Perhaps running from the police. It wouldn't be the first time. Perhaps we can talk tomorrow? If only for several minutes. I would treasure time with anybody besides my father. I know it is selfish of me. To ask of something that cannot be gotten back. Your time, and love. But I need it ever so much. I need it now more than ever.

Try adding some dialogue tags to make it more show rather than tell. Also add some more emotion to this part. I feel something, but it's not flooding with emotion like the beginning was.

I also think you could make this into a letter if you don't want to do dialogue (or a journal entry), but that would require taking out the part about the person he was talking to and find a way to change it so it fits in with the letter or journal entry.

I hope my review was helpful and I didn't offend you *Clicks Like*

I'm not sure why this showed up under fantasy... but I like it!

My name is Devin. You'll probably hate me. Everybody does. This is my story. Read it. It is not enticing. It is not a masterpiece. But it is true.

That is the most awesome intro to a piece I've read in a long time. It's so stark and bare that you know it's going to be good.

I can't do my usual nitpicking very well, since this is such a short piece and there's so little I can do to improve it, but here goes:

She died when I was very young. And my father, that abusive creature, says that she died of a heart attack. Struck in the middle of the night. He says she never felt a thing. That her death was painless.

But I know better.

She is not dead.

Wait a minute. The character just stated that she's dead, but then said that she wasn't a paragraph later. I think that you meant to say "she died when I was very young, according to my father". Unless you put that in there, you're giving the first sentence as a statement of a true fact, which it is not.

Have you ever been at the point of absolute devastation? At the point of such depression, you become physically sick? It's much worse than that. My name is Devin...

Although I overall like the intro, I thought the first three sentences after the 'home, sweet home' part seemed out of place. I think they should have gone after the part where Devin introduces himself and his story, in its own paragraph, since "My name is Devin" comes out of nowhere and seems too abrupt otherwise.


That's all. I couldn't find any other errors, personal preference or not. I thought your bare and brief style was perfect; the last paragraph or so portrayed so much emotion without referring to it. I love this piece - I hope you do more like it.

It's a very nice story. Well, certainly not nice, but I like the way how you wrote it. Maybe in a few sentences you could have added prepositional phrases of some sort. Personally, I do not like short sentences. I think it disrupts the flow of the sentence. Maybe you could have added a bit more. There was an abrupt ending; so, try to make it end softly, not so.. BAM! I'M DONE! you know? Well I hoped this helped you.