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A Soul Untouched



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Sun Jul 10, 2011 10:44 am
XxXKaylaMaeXxX says...



I planned on finishing this story but I couldn't. Tell me if you think I should keep writing Declins story. The title doesn't fit this and I'm sorry. The title was meant for the whole story, not only the beginning. Thanks for your comments. Hope you enjoy! <3




"Declin! Get back here!" she cried as he ran towards the woods. Her voice faded as he moved farther away. The last cry he heard as he slowed to a walk was "...You will regret this Declin...". He continued his walk north until he spotted an abandoned bridge sitting above a river. The river looked ravenous as he slowly and cautiously walked towards it, avoiding slick rocks as he wove his way towards the safety of the bridge high above the river.

He looked around as he put one cautious step after another on the bridge. Finally deciding it was safe, he sat down on the edge of the bridge. He pulled his pocket knife out, beginning to carve small lines into the old wood of the bridge. The distant sound of a twig breaking pulled him from his concentation and he slowly lifted his head up, unable to find the cause of the noise, despite his searching. He sighed as he pushed all of his thoughts to the back of his mind and tried to concentrate.

Who is he? I haven't seen him before.... He must be new here.

He pushed with his mind and tried to concentrate harder. He found himself digging through their mind to find more about his hidden captor.

Name: Alise

Age: 14

He looked harder to find that she was a lot like him. She was alone and needed a friend desperately. She had been hurt and abandoned by her family. She now lived with her Uncle Baxtor who made it clear how deeply unwelcome she was.
He looked around to find she was still no where to be seen. He smiled as he pushed through her mind one last time.

She must be here somewhere around here. Her thoughts are practically screaming at me.

He sighed and looked down as he felt his irises shifiting colors. He knew his eyes were now changing to a deep purple.

He smiled and shook his midnight black hair out of his face. He looked around as he read her thoughts floating through the air and traced them back to a large oak tree. He smiled and looked down again, willing his eyes to change back to their natural deep sky blue.

"Hello. Im Declin. You dont have to hide from me. I wont bite." He smiled and looked up at the tree. "And you are?"

She slowly took a step from behind the tree. "Alise. Are you... uh... new here? I haven't seen you around."

"Uh...yah. I'm new here. I just moved from Michigan."

"Oh.... Cool. Do you mind if I sit down?"

"Not at all."

He smiled as she came and sat down next to him. He looked out the corner of his eye to find her lingering eyes on him.

"Well uh.... How did you find this place? It has been abandoned for years," she asked.

"Um. I was walking around. It just kind of showed up in front of me." He chuckled and looked at her. She wore a beautiful dress with flowers that seemed to dance around her delicate body. She smiled and looked down shyly, her auburn hair falling over her face. His eyes steadied at her exposed pale neck, the vains beating with a soft rythme. He closed his eyes as he felt them turn that deep purple again. He clenched his fists around his knife as the scent of her blood flowing through her veins filled the air. She noticed his change in posture and put her hand softly over his.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her concern spilling out through the open air.

He cleared his voice and avoided her eyes as he thought of what to tell her.

"Do you believe in... things that can't be explained?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Things that shouldn't be here. Like mythology or... uh... legends?"

"Yes. I do. Why?"

He looked out of the corner of his eyes at her. He imediately sensed that he could trust her and knew she would understand. A moment of undiscision passed through him as he slowly lifted his eyes to hers, waiting for her reaction. He watched her eyes fill with shock and breifly saw a flash of fear appear in her eyes before quickly dissapearing, curiousity taking it's place.

"What are you?" she asked.

"I... I am different. Thats what I am." He smiled and took her hand as she looked down. Her grip tightened on his hand as she saw a deep line of crimson flow down his wrist.

"Are you okay?"

"Uh...Yea. Im fine. It is just a small cut."

She reached for the knife and tried to pull it away from him when she felt a sharp pain radiate through her hand. She pulled back and looked at the deep cut that had blood pooling out from it. She held her hand tightly and looked at Declin, suprised to see him staring intently at her cut.

"Are you a... vampire?" she asked.

He tried to talk but couldn't find his voice as the hunger built deep within him tried to escape. He felt a curiousity grow inside him as she moved her hand closer to his mouth. She felt him try to pull away and imediately knew it was true.

"its okay Declin. I'm not afraid of you. You need this, I can tell. Just... take it."

He moved his mouth and slightly hesitated as his eyes found hers. To his suprise, she was calm and looked almost... expectant. He sighed as he brought his lips to the wound and his fangs began to protrude from his gums. He heard her sigh as the endorphines began to rush through her body. He felt her get a little unsteady and quickly pulled away before she fainted. He softly put his arm around her for support.

"Alise? Are you okay?"

She lazily smiled and nodded in approval.

Im fine Declin, she thought.

He smiled and stood up, pulling her up with him.

"Friends?" he asked

"Of course." she replied as she looked disappointedly at her watch.

"I have to go. My uncle is expecting me."

She sighed and slowly started towards the woods.

"Will I see you again?" he asked.

He looked up towards her and smiled as she nodded.

"I will be back around seven tomorrow. Meet me here?" she asked

He nodded and watched her break into a run.
<3-KaylaMae-<3
  





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Sun Jul 10, 2011 11:27 am
Metalmauzen says...



good read! very well written. I have to confess that I'm not a fan of vampire-love stories, but this one did exactly what it was meant to do. Draw the reader in and let the reader wish for more.

However, the characters are not really realistic (and I'm not speaking about him being a vampire). If I would see a vampire I would run and hide, because that's basically what humans do when they see some kind of monster. But to believe that this is a good vampire only because he is bleeding and asks her if she believes in unnatural things, is a bit far-fetched to me.

That doesn't take away that you really did a good job on the conversation between these two characters, and I for one would really like to read more of this.

Finish this story!
This could very well be the push that makes you move
  





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Sun Jul 10, 2011 11:46 am
xMidnightWriterx says...



Hello Kayla!! I will be reviewing your work now!! :)

This is a good begining but with a bit of revising it could be a lot better. I did get confused at a few points though.

"Declin! Get back here!" she cried as he ran towards the woods.

Who cried? His mum? His sister? You just need to specify.

ravenous

You don't need such a fancy word. (Although it is a pretty cool word!!)

Finally deciding it was safe, he sat down on the edge of the bridge.

You use the word bridge to often. Take "of the bridge" out of this sentence.

Who is he? I haven't seen him before.... He must be new here.

He pushed with his mind and tried to concentrate harder. He found himself digging through their mind to find more about his hidden captor.

Name: Alise

Age: 14

This really confused me. I really don't know what's going on.

He looked harder to find that she was a lot like him. She was alone and needed a friend desperately. She had been hurt and abandoned by her family. She now lived with her Uncle Baxtor who made it clear how deeply unwelcome she was.

How does he know all this info? I'm sorry, I'm really confused...

He smiled and shook his midnight black hair out of his face.

You don't need "midnight" in there. But if you want to keep it put a comma inbetween "midnight" and "black".

"Alise. Are you... uh... new here? I haven't seen you around."

"Uh...yah. I'm new here. I just moved from Michigan."

"Oh.... Cool. Do you mind if I sit down?"

You don't need every "um" and "uh". It's ok to use it once or twice per chapter to make the speech more real but using it in every speech makes it a bit choppy.

She wore a beautiful dress with flowers that seemed to dance around her delicate body. She smiled and looked down shyly, her auburn hair falling over her face. His eyes steadied at her exposed pale neck, the vains beating with a soft rythme. He closed his eyes as he felt them turn that deep purple again. He clenched his fists around his knife as the scent of her blood flowing through her veins filled the air. She noticed his change in posture and put her hand softly over his.

This is a good piece of description but unfortunatly it's the only bit of description in your story. You really do need more description.

Ok, that's the most important parts I can find. You should revise this and definatly continue with your story. Add more description and make sure you remember that you have to show your readers what is happening, they don't already know everything so you have to be really clear.
If you need anything PM me or post something on my wall. Midnight x
"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic" - Albus Dumbledore
  





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Sun Jul 10, 2011 11:55 am
pettybage says...



Hi Kayla, here are my two gallons of blood.

"Declin! Get back here!" she cried as he ran towards the woods. Her voice faded as he moved farther away. The last cry he heard as he slowed to a walk was "...You will regret this Declin...". He continued his walk north until he spotted an abandoned bridge sitting above a river.

/I think there’s no real need for ‘sitting’ here, also perhaps two words about the river – wide/narrow/slow/fast/muddy/clear…/

The river looked ravenous as he slowly and cautiously walked towards it, avoiding slick rocks as he wove his way towards the safety of the bridge high above the river.

/safety from what?/

He looked around as he put one cautious step after another on the bridge. Finally deciding it was safe, he sat down on the edge of the bridge. He pulled his pocket knife out, beginning to carve small lines into the old wood of the bridge.
/or rather, ‘pulling his knife out, he began to carve…’/

The distant sound of a twig breaking pulled him from /out of/ his concentation and he slowly lifted his head up, unable to find the cause of the noise, despite his searching. He sighed as he pushed all of his thoughts to the back of his mind and tried to concentrate.

Who is he? I haven't seen him before.... He must be new here.

He pushed with his mind and tried to concentrate harder. He found himself digging through their mind to find more about his hidden captor. /this last sentence is rather confusing/

Name: Alise

Age: 14
He looked harder /, only/ to find that she was a lot like him. She was alone and needed a friend desperately. She had been hurt and abandoned by her family. She now lived with her Uncle Baxtor who made it clear how deeply unwelcome she was.

He looked around to find /but / she was still no where to be seen. He smiled as he pushed through her mind one last time.

She must be here somewhere around here. Her thoughts are practically screaming at me.

/the last bit is not him thinking but actually talking to himself, old marvel comics style. I think it would be better here to have the narrator explain what he was thinking and experiencing/

He sighed and looked down as he felt his irises shifiting colors. He knew his eyes were now changing to a deep purple. /another word or two about ‘tingling’, ‘smarting’, etc. will add a whole dimension of reality/

He smiled and shook his midnight black hair out of his face. He looked around as he read her thoughts floating through the air and traced them back to a large oak tree. /and here is the moment which shows that you should have given a few sentences of description of the environment around the river earlier on. Because now its just fog, fog, suddenly a tree appears/

He smiled and looked down again, willing his eyes to change back to their natural deep sky blue.

"Hello. Im Declin. You dont have to hide from me. I wont bite." He smiled and looked up at the tree. "And you are?"
/is he shouting from the bridge to the tree? Is the tree on the edge of the bank? Is she shouting back? Or has he walked over?/

She slowly took a step from behind the tree. "Alise. Are you... uh... new here? I haven't seen you around."

"Uh...yah. I'm new here. I just moved from Michigan."

"Oh.... Cool. Do you mind if I sit down?"

"Not at all."

He smiled as she came and sat down next to him. /natural moment to give brief description of girl/

He looked out the corner of his eye to find her lingering eyes on him.

/natural moment to give brief description of him/


"Well uh.... How did you find this place? /meaning? The bridge?/ It has been abandoned for years," she asked.
"Um. I was walking around. It just kind of showed up in front of me." He chuckled and looked at her. She wore a beautiful dress with flowers that seemed to dance around her delicate body /with her every movement or even a shift of position/.

She smiled and looked down shyly, her auburn hair falling over her face. His eyes steadied at her exposed pale neck, the vains beating with a soft rythme. /veins and rhythm, you olde Englishe personne, you:)/He closed his eyes as he felt them /you mentioned veins and eyes so spell out what is turning purple/ turn that deep purple again. He clenched his fists around his knife as the scent of her /the/ blood flowing through her veins filled the air. She noticed his change in posture and put her hand softly over his.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her concern spilling out through the open air.

/suspend disbelief by having him think about his ability to put even strangers at ease so quickly/


He cleared his voice and avoided her eyes as he thought of what to tell her.

"Do you believe in... things that can't be explained?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Things that shouldn't be here. Like mythology or... uh... legends?"

"Yes. I do. Why?"

He looked out of the corner of his eyes at her. He imediately sensed that he could trust her and knew she would understand. A moment of undiscision passed through him as he slowly lifted his eyes to hers, waiting for her reaction. He watched her eyes fill with shock and breifly saw a flash of fear appear in her eyes before quickly dissapearing, curiousity taking it's place.

"What are you?" she asked.

"I... I am different. Thats what I am." He smiled and took her hand as she looked down. Her grip tightened on his hand as she saw a deep line of crimson flow down his wrist.

"Are you okay?"

"Uh...Yea. Im fine. It is just a small cut."

She reached for the knife and tried to pull it away from him when she felt a sharp pain radiate through her hand. She pulled back and looked at the deep cut /where exactly?/ that had blood pooling out from it. She held her hand tightly and looked at Declin, suprised to see him staring intently at her cut /revolve words. First time it’s ‘cut’, next time it’s ‘tiny wound’ or something/.

"Are you a... vampire?" she asked.

He tried to talk but couldn't find his voice as the hunger built deep within him tried to escape. He felt a curiousity grow inside him as she moved her hand closer to his mouth. She felt him try to pull away and imediately knew it was true.
"its okay Declin. I'm not afraid of you. You need this, I can tell. Just... take it."

He moved his mouth and slightly hesitated as his eyes found hers. To his suprise, she was calm and looked almost... expectant. He sighed as he brought his lips to the wound and his fangs began to protrude from his gums /again – tingling, itching, whatever/.

He heard her sigh as the endorphines began to rush through her body. He felt her get a little unsteady and quickly pulled away before she fainted. He softly put his arm around her for support.

"Alise? Are you okay?"

She lazily smiled and nodded in approval /‘affirmation’, maybe?/.

Im fine Declin, she thought.

He smiled and stood up, pulling her up with him.

"Friends?" he asked

"Of course." she replied as she looked disappointedly at her watch.

"I have to go. My uncle is expecting me."

She sighed and slowly started towards the woods.

"Will I see you again?" he asked.

He looked up towards her and smiled as she nodded.

"I will be back around seven tomorrow. Meet me here?" she asked

He nodded and watched her break into a run.

***

A story of two brooding restless teens meeting up for some self-abuse with knives and a spot of blood drinking in the woods with complete strangers? Ah, to be young again. Any vodka and heavy metal next time they meet? Just kidding.
  





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Mon Jul 11, 2011 1:36 am
michaeld says...



I thought this was really good! I definitely will keep reading if you post more! The one thing I have to say, is that parts of it were a bit confusing. I think you could have done without the

Alise
Age 14

part because it sort of pulls your mind off track. Other than that, I think that it flowed nicely and I definitely liked this! BRAVO! :)
"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." ~ Anton Chekhov
  





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Tue Jul 19, 2011 7:40 pm
XxXKaylaMaeXxX says...



Haha thanks everyone. This really shows that a 15 year old shouldn't post a story she wrote when she was only 11 without proofreading. lol. Thanks everyone. I'll work on editing when I get the chance. I appreciate all the tips and advice and friendlyness. (=
<3-KaylaMae-<3
  








When your heart gets pierced with arrows, don't rip them out and pierce those around you in retribution for your hurt. You'll only unnecessarily wound others and bleed to death yourself.
— LadyMysterio