Young Writers Society

My contest submission for the fantasy short story contest
Please note that I'm not from an English-speaking country, I have only been learning English for 7 years.
Enjoy reading!


My husband - lost in an eternal war.
My three years old daughter - beaten, raped and ripped apart from life by soldiers.
My heart - I have no heart. But the place where it should be is frozen and isolated.
My soul... Do I even have a soul anymore?
The last part of my soul died with my daughter.
My race is worth nothing in this world. Has humanity forgotten who created them? Why can't they leave the fairies alone? Respecting us would be too much of a wish. But no, they can't. Without regret, they rip off our wings, to cure their well-deserved sickness - death. They cut off our hair, to protect them from the cold.
Are we damned to be this weak?

I still have my wings, and I have managed to keep my hair. But at this time I wish they would come and rip that off as well. Complete my suffering, emotionless steal all what is left of my immortal body. Does it really matter? Does anything matter?
Yes.
Yes it does.
They would learn a new word soon. And the belonging feeling that comes with the word. I will teach them, and not in a nice way.
The word is regret.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I am finally moving on. Three years have I sat in that dark room with nothing but grief. Slowly I stand up and walk towards the door. With an angry punch, I tear the door into pieces and step outside. The rising sun is blinding me. After three years after nothing but darkness I see the beauty of life. With a snap with my fingers I suck it all into me. The red light, the warmth... It fills me like the last missing piece of a puzzle. The dawn gives me new strength. I feel better, and I am ready for a strong word.
Revenge.
Revenge for all the suffering of my race that has been going on for over two hundred years. But mostly, revenge for my husband Enye, and my baby girl Esthiá. I hold my hands cupped in front of the spot where my heart should have been. But we are heartless, our soul is all we need. Slowly raising my left hand, I give the sun its light back. But I keep a part of it for me. What else would keep me going than a good piece of stolen dawn?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As I ride on my horse through our village, many people salute me. But I am not there to talk, I am there to leave. My gaze is far in the distance, where the weak sun slowly rises. I pass the gates to the outside world, ignoring the questions of my former friends. Friends? Who needs friends? They are cowards - they don't dare to change anything about the cruelty of the human mortals. Our race can die too, to them. But we won't die by age. We are still vulnerable, and that thought is not a thought I like.

Forests pass by, mountains grow higher as I ride towards them. I lose all feeling of time. The dim light reaches through the dark clouds, and I take it all. The warmth and the hope embrace me and I shudder. This is truly a dark world. I hear a wolf howling in the distance, then painful moans. Happy screams of humans, so joyful about killing. My chest tightens and I gasp for air. Justice. I crave justice, and the humans were about to meet it. Justice... My chest tightens even more and I gasp for air again. I steer my beautiful white horse into the forest, and I get closer and closer to my first act of justice. I see the humans sitting by a fire, the brutally slaughtered wolf beside them. I descend from my horse and step closer. There are three of them, all dressed in cloaks of fairy hair. The white color of the tells me and I recognize it - the same color as my own hair. Pain fills me. I suddenly feel how they suffered. Their hair cut off brutally, it feels like it was mine. I feel the sad connection to my dead companions. I snap my fingers and suck the fire into me. The small trail of light makes them look my way. Grins on their faces, hunger and lust in their cold and blue eyes. I snap my fingers again and suck out their filthy souls. I am disgusted by the darkness of their souls, so I throw them out right at their dead bodies. With a shrieking sound that can only be described as the despair of souls, their bodies light on fire and the evidence of their existence burns.

I lower my hand and keep riding, to the heart of all evil. I pass three small villages, one is burning after my visit, two are left to suffer from a sickness they won't be able to cure. Justice feels good. They are finally getting what they deserve. It doesn't take long before I see the pride of humanity before me. The palace - the royal palace. Surrounded by golden walls, protected by several towers for archers. Nothing that will stop me. A balcony so big, my whole village could fit on it. The guards are no enemies for me, With two snaps they are sucked out, their bodies buried in the lake inside of the palace grounds. Disgusted, I throw out their filthy souls and let them burn for eternity, somewhere next to their bodies.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
My magic is not endless, but with the dim sunlight I recover quickly. I enter the castle and ride through the endless seeming hallways. Several guards try to stop me, but as they fall lifelessly to the ground, no words remain on their frozen lips. I capture their dirty souls inside ice blocks, and burn them down yet again. After many more tragic deaths, I reach the throne hall. I descend my horse and walk towards the throne. The king raises his gaze and watches me. No guards are near him, I am sure there are no guards left in the entire palace. And I feel the power of death in my hands, oh yes. Like black balls of pure energy it rests in my hand, growing with every life I suck out. The king salutes me politely, but when I don't bow, he rises from his golden throne and speaks to me with the coldest voice on Earth. "Fairy lady, you shall bow in respect before your King Thurgann."
My voice is as cold as ice and it is filled with so much hate, so much pain, I can barely stand the strength of my own words. "You are not my king. If you were, you would not let my race fight alone, without human warriors, against the forces of the Underworld. Neither would you slaughter my race to survive." His pale face turns red in anger.
"Your race cannot die!" he shouts.
"We may be heartless, but we die. We just don't die when we get older. Your race is filthy, weak and damned! Why do you reign over us? Because my race is too good-hearted to harm you. But I am not, I don't fear to stand straight and fight for what I think is right."
"I often wondered why nobody of your kind thought like you. You are the first one who dares to talk against me, and I have to admit, that that isn't impressive for our creator. Also, you posess great powers, otherwise you would not have been able to kill all my guards. Why did your race never use it against us for defence?" he asks and takes a step in my direction.
"I knew nothing about the magic, I was somehow guided to discover this power. The fairies may have created humanity, but we never created you to torture us like this. In contrast to humans, we are too gentle to harm anything on this Earth. The 'we' does not include me, I am here to kill you. " I replied.
He smiled. "So be it, Fairy lady. I am sorry to say that you will today join your race in death." With these words, he raises his sword.
"Where is your weapon? Your magic will not lead you anywhere this time!" he says. But I can taste the fear in his voice. And it tastes good.

I smile. The smile hurts, but still I raise my fingers and snap. I do not suck his life, but the lights in the hall. It turns pitch black and my eyes shine dangerously red in the dark. But the darkness can't bother me. Why do they shine? Something is odd about this situation. I raise my fingers again, but it is too late. I don't see him anymore. My sight is fooled, everything seems to be upside down. I hear steps behind me and turn around - but it's too late. I feel the blade cutting through my flesh and the blood pouring out of my body. But I don't fear death. My head hits the ground and I moan in pain. I hear laughter. "Enye... Esthiá... I'm coming to you..." I whisper and close my eyes, never meant to open them again.

Very intresting.
I know you speak a different language so this must be very difficult for you. Well done.

Just a few things I noticed:

Nightfallwriter wrote:But there place where it should be is frozen and isolated.

This should be:
But the place where it should...

It's an intresting story but it starts to feel unbeleivable when one fairy manages to suck souls from everyone he passed. I mean, how can humans rule over tons off fairies that can do that?

Other than that it's quite good.

Thanks for your review! I will correct that evil little typo as soon as I can
So, to answer your question.
How can humans rule over a bunch of powerful fairies? The answer requires a little backstory I chose not to include in the story for a reason I forgot. However, fairies are kind creatures. They wouldn't harm anyone. It is their nature to just take possible torture, and don't take revenge. My narrator thinks a bit different in that point, after the terrible loss of her only family she seeks justice. Those three years of darkness and grief turned her evil, more or less.

Regarding the magic, fairies would never use their powers against what they once created. The fairies created humans, and are now being tortured by them. Also, their magic is very demanding. It takes a lot of energy. But because my narrator sucked energy from the sun, and had some leftover energy from the three years in darkness. Also, killing those people gave her the energy of the killed ones, a knowledge she didn't realise and no one knew. I hope I could explain that a little better and as I said before, I chose, for whatever reason, not to include this in the story.
Thanks for your review!


Nightfallwriter

Oh, thats funny. We both submitted for that particular contest, and both of ours aren't particularly happy ones either.
I'm going to go ahead and nitpick now. I didn't see many errors when I read through it, but hey, I love nitpicking!

My husband - lost in an eternal war.

My three years old daughter - beaten, raped and ripped apart from life by soldiers.

My heart - I have no heart. But there place where it should be is frozen and isolated.

My soul... Do I even have a soul anymore?

The last part of my soul died with my daughter.

My race is worth nothing in this world. Has humanity forgotten who created them? Why can't they leave the fairies alone? Respecting us would be too much of a wish. But no, they can't. Without regret, they rip off our wings, to cure their well-deserved sickness - death. They cut off our hair, to protect them from the cold.

Are we damned to be this weak?

I still have my wings, and I have managed to keep my hair. But at this time I wish they would come and rip that off as well. Complete my suffering, emotionless steal all what is left of my immortal body. Does it really matter? Does anything matter?

Yes.

Yes it does.

They would learn a new word soon. And the belonging feeling that comes with the word. I will teach them, and not in a nice way.

The word is regret.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I am finally moving on. Three years have I sat in that dark room. With nothing but grief *I might be wrong, but did you mean to do: Three years have I sat in that dark room with nothing but grief? I think it flows better this way, but my opinions my opinion, and if you want it this way then thats normal.. Slowly I stand up, *no comma* and walk towards the door. With an angry punch *comma* I tear the door into pieces and step outside. The rising sun is blinding me. After three years after nothing but darkness I see the beauty of life. With a snap with my fingers I suck it all into me *The wording could be better, perhaps: I absorbed it all into me?*. The red light, the warmth... It fills me like the last missing piece of a puzzle. The dawn gives me new strength. I feel better, and I am ready for a strong word.

Revenge.

Revenge for all the suffering of my race that has been going on for over two-hundred *no hyphen is needed between two and hundred* years. But mostly, revenge for my husband Enye, and my baby girl Esthiá. I hold my hands cupped in front of the spot where my heart should have been. But we are heartless, our soul is all we need. Slowly raising my left hand, I give the sun its light back. But I keep a part of it for me. What else would keep me going than *then* a good piece of stolen dawn?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As I ride Riding what? A horse? through our village, many people salute me. But I am not there to talk, I am there to leave. My gaze is far in the distance, where the weak sun slowly rises. I pass the gates to the outside world, ignoring the questions of my former friends. Friends? Who needs friends. *?* They are cowards - they don't dare to change anything about the cruelty of the human mortals. Our race can die, too. Maybe add 'to them' to that sentence? (Our race can die too, to them)* I stumbled on that line since I thought that she was saying that.But we won't die by age. *Seems out of place, to me. I may be wrong, though.*We are still vulnerable, and that thought is no *Maybe 'is not a'** thought I like.

Forests pass by, mountains grow higher as I ride towards them. I lose every maybe 'all' instead.*feeling of time. The dim light reaches through the dark clouds, and I take it all. The warmth and the hope embrace me and I shudder. This is truly a dark world. I hear a wolf howling in the distance, then painful moans. Happy screams of humans, so joyful about killing. My chest tightens and I gasp for air. Justice. I crave justice, and the humans were about to meet it. Justice... My chest tightens even more and I gasp for air again. I steer my beautiful white horse into the forest, and I get closer and closer to my first act of justice. I see the humans sitting by a fire, the brutally slaughtered wolf beside them. I descend from my horse and step closer. There are three of them, all dressed in cloaks of fairy hair. The white color tells me. I recognize it - the same color as mine. *These lines are sort of off. I got stuck on 'The white color...' for a moment, then I realized that you were talking about the cloaks. These 3 sentences can be combined, to be honest.* Pain fills me. I suddenly feel how they suffered. Their hair cut off brutally, it feels like it was mine. I feel the sad connection to my dead companions. I snap my fingers and suck the fire into me. The small trail of light makes them look my way. Grins on their faces, hunger and lust in their cold and blue eyes. I snap my fingers again and suck out their filthy souls. I am disgusted by the darkness of their souls, so I throw them out right at their dead bodies. With a shrieking sound that can only be described as the despair of souls, their bodies light on fire and the evidence of their existence burns.

I lower my hand and keep riding, to the heart of all evil. I pass three small villages, one is burning after my visit, two are left to suffer from a sickness they won't be able to cure. Justice feels good. They are finally getting what they deserve. It doesn't take long before I see the proud *pride* of humanity before me. The palace *Maybe you can put whose palace it is?*. Surrounded by golden walls, protected by several towers for archers. Nothing that will stop me. A balcony so big, my whole village could fit on it. The guards are no enemies for me, With two snaps they are sucked out, their bodies buried in the lake inside of the palace grounds. Disgusted*comma* I throw out their filthy souls and let them burn for eternity, somewhere next to their bodies.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My magic is not endless, but with the dim sunlight I recover quickly. I enter the castle, *no comma* and ride through the endless seeming hallways. Several guards try to stop me, but as they fall lifelessly to the ground, no words remain on their frozen lips. I capture their dirty souls inside ice blocks, and burn it *them* down yet again. After many more or less *weird phrasing.* tragic deaths, I reach the throne hall. I descend*from my* my horse and walk *where?*. No guards are near him, I am sure there are no guards left in the entire palace. And I feel the power of death in my hands, oh yes. Like black balls of pure energy it rests in my hand, growing with every life I suck out. The king salutes me politely, but when I don't bow, he rises from his golden throne and speaks to me with the coldest voice on earth *Earth*. "Fairy*Is this supposed to be 'Fair?' lady, you shall bow in respect before your king *King* Thurgann."

My voice is warmthis does not work with hate and pain. Warmth suggests a comforting voice. , but it is filled with so much hate, so much pain, I can barely stand the strength of my own words. "You are not my king. If you were, you would not let my race fight alone*comma*without human warriors*comma* against the forces of the Underworld. Neither would you slaughter my race to survive." His pale face turns red in anger. *Paragraph.*"Your race cannot die!", *no comma* he shouts. **Paragraph*"We may be heartless, but we die. We just don't die when we get older. Your race is filthy, weak and damned! Why do you reign over us? Because we are to *too* good-hearted to harm you. But I am not, I don't fear to stand straight. *confused by this*" **Paragraph*He smiled. "So be it, Fairy lady. I am sorry to say that you will today join your race in death." With these words *comma* he raises his sword. **Paragraph*"Where is your weapon?",*no comma* he asks. And I could *can* taste the fear in his voice. And it felt *tasted?*good.

I smile. The smile hurts, but still I raise my fingers and snap. I do not suck his life, but the lights in the hall. It turns pitch black, *no comma* and my eyes shine dangerously red in the dark. But the darkness can't bother me. I raise my fingers again, but it is too late. I feel the blade cutting through my flesh and the blood pouring out of my body. But I don't fear death. My head hits the ground and I moan in pain. I hear laughter. "Enye... Esthiá... I'm coming to you...", *no comma* I whisper and close my eyes, never meant to open them again.

Overall, I love this story, and your grammar and vocabulary is impressively good for a non-native speaker.
The ending is off, to me. There isn't any forewarning or suspense building to the king killing her, it's abrupt. She could see him, couldn't she? If she couldn't, maybe you can say something about how her eyes shining was the cause for her death, since I think that's how he knew where she was.

Keep writing!
-Vela

I liked your story. You should add the bac story though. Other than that it's really good. Just a few minor errors. But you're taking care o that (=

Thanks you two for your reviews!
I was busy, so I didn't have the time to reply until now, sorry.
I will edit the things you mentioned! But... The newbie that I am, I have to ask something.
Because this is a contest entry, am I still allowed to edit things?
Again, thanks for your reviews!
Oh and velar, about nitpicking... I am glad you did that, otherwise I wouldn't have a chance to improve, would I?

Greets,
Nightfallwriter

Very good! I don't know if you can edit this or not - I've never done a contest before. I would imagine you could until the deadline, but if you're not sure you'd probably want someone else's opinion.

I have got a few nitpicks (because I always nitpick), but overall this is very impressive, especially considering you aren't native to this language.

After three years after nothing but darkness (a comma belongs here) I see the beauty of life.

The second 'after' should be the word 'of' instead; it makes more sense, plus you don't use the word 'after' twice in a row.
Overall, the sentence should be: "After three years of nothing but darkness, I see the beauty of life."

What else would keep me going than a good piece of stolen dawn?

This could be better worded: perhaps "What would keep me going better than a good piece of stolen dawn?" would seem less awkward.

The dim light reaches through the dark clouds, and I take it all.

The word 'the' is unnecessary in the beginning of the sentence; starting it off "Dim light reaches through the dark clouds" is less wordy.

I steer my beautiful white horse into the forest, and I get closer and closer to my first act of justice.

'Get' is a very simple and generally bland word. Perhaps saying that "I ride closer" or "I travel closer" would be more descriptive, and it adds to the mental image playing through the reader's head.

The small trail of light makes them look my way. Grins on their faces, hunger and lust in their cold and blue eyes.

The second sentence here isn't proper; there are two ways you can fix it. The one I think would be better would be to simply make the two sentences into one: "The small trail of light makes them look my way, (comma instead of period) grins on their faces, hunger and lust in their cold and blue eyes." (as a side note, the 'and' isn't necessary between 'cold' and 'blue' - you could have just said "cold blue eyes".) If you like, you could also just put something like "I see" in the beginning of the second sentence: "I see grins on their faces, hunger and lust in their cold blue eyes." (I left out the 'and' there to show you what it would look like.)

No guards are near him, I am sure there are no guards left in the entire palace.

I think the comma needs to be a semicolon instead. ("No guards are near him; I am sure there are no guards left in the entire palace."

You are the first one who dares to talk against me, and I have to admit, that that isn't impressive for our creator.

The second comma isn't necessary, unless you took out one of the "that"s.

But the darkness can't bother me. Why do they shine? Something is odd about this situation.

Um... I'm not sure what exactly the character is talking about here. Why does what shine? The eyes or the lights in the palace? And what does the character find odd about the situation? I don't even know why she turned out the lights in the first place. All this little chunk needs is some more description - the rest of the paragraph is great.

This was all that I found. You did a wonderful job - I hope to see more from you. Great job with your English - you have my respect!