Young Writers Society

The Mansion Of Valour

Our officer briefs us on the plan in the back of the truck.

“Listen up.” He said. “Basically, we’re to ambush this point here.” He points to isolated area on a map. “Information I’ve gathered from enemy Intel suggest that terrorists are hiding out in a deserted old mansion, for what reason they chose there is unknown. It should make it easier for us to wipe out anyway.” He said. “The building is surrounded by a forest, making detection from the enemy harder, which should also grant us an advantage.” He smiled sarcastically. “Today’s mission should feel like a vacation, boys.” He said. “Do you have any questions?” He asked, raising his eyebrows. Nobody replied.

By evening, we arrived a few miles out from the castle, at the start of a forest. Officer Mitchell points to a black, pointed roof that sticks out from the green, swaying leaves of the trees. There was an odd symbol at the top that I couldn’t quite make out. “That’s our destination.” He said. “This will be our rendezvous point. Meet me back here once you’ve cleared the place.” He ordered. “Scout, lead on.”

We enter the forest. We could hardly see, even though it was fairly light outside, the thick trees blocked the light. A lot of trees have fallen down, making traversing through difficult.

Soon the mansion came into view. It was bleak; it looked as if no one had set foot in the place for years. The windows were smashed and no light came through them. The whole place was completely still. It was a big building, quite grand, but the bricks had cracked and faded to dark grey. Huge stairs led up to massive double-doors, built for giants.

The scout makes a gesture to me to halt, and I pass the signal along to the others behind me. I kneel down on wet ground and my knee sinks slightly in the mud. The scout runs to the closest part of the building, just before the huge stairs. He swings his gun around the corner, eye down the sights. Just as he was about to sneak round the corner, the doors slowly swings open, revealing a man with long, black hair. The scout gave a thumb down, signalling that he spotted an enemy, but we all saw him. He slowly walked down the steep stairs, a grim look on his face. Fear fills inside of me the closer he gets. But he had no weapon, other than a sword than dangled from a sheath on his side.
Officer Mitchell told us to kill on sight, and I was wondering why our scout wasn’t doing so. Maybe he was intrigued like I was; as to why he was all the way out here in a run-down mansion, armed only with a sword. But then the scout shot. The man raised his arm and the bullet sunk into some sort of magical barrier, and disappeared. With his hand still raised, a black icicle formed in the middle of his hand. The man launched it and it strikes our scout right in between the eyes, launching him far back.
I wasn’t sure if the man saw us yet, but I think he knew there were more. I fire at him with my machine gun, but the bullets hit the magical shield, creating ripples around it. The man raises his left hand and lightning falls from the sky, striking the tree I was using for cover, setting it ablaze. I fall back with fear and astonishment, as my comrades continue to fire at the man. But all to no avail. The bullets pound the shield, creating hundreds of ripples, until the man was just a watery blur. The flames on the tree rapidly grew larger. I crawl back frantically. I stagger to my feet and run. This may seem like an act of cowardice but there was no hope. This man possessed some kind of magical ability, bullets were useless against him and we were defenceless.
I started to sprint, jumping over the fallen trees. The others, seeing this, turn and run as well. I hear the man clap behind me, and everything suddenly turns completely black. It’s like I had my eyes closed. I trip and fall to the ground. When I look up again I can see but somehow day had turned to night, and my fellow soldiers had vanished. I look back at the man. He was standing exactly where he was before, the flames flickering on tree above him. He had the same grim look on his face, completely still. I take my chance and sprint off again, forcing myself not to look back. He makes no attempt to chase me, though I’m pretty sure he could rip the ground from beneath me in a heartbeat if he wanted to.

I keep running. I don’t stop, and I don’t look back. It’s very dark in the forest, only a little light runs between the leaves, but I don’t take my time getting over fallen trees. I fall several times, but I force myself to get up again, not wanting to risk my chances with the mysterious man. I look left and right for my comrades, but they’re nowhere to be seen.

There's a glimmer of hope when I see the truck. I’m surprised to see it; my fellow soldiers had vanished, I thought the same would be for the truck. I run up to it and look through the window. The bodies of my men sat inside, but the heads were severed and replaced by mannequin heads. This couldn’t be right, this couldn’t be real, I thought. I open the door to investigate further. The mannequin head instantly twists its head to face me. I stagger back with fright, only to hit a brick wall. That clearly wasn’t there before, I thought. Before I could move or even think a purple spike impales my stomach from the other side of the wall. I manage a short gasp before my body goes limp, and dies.

No...

Great story, I found it really intriguing.

However, the are a few things that could be improved.

Firstly, you swapped from present tense to past tense a lot, sometimes even in the same sentence, so make sure you choose a tense and stick with it.

Secondly, there is one paragraph that is a bit too long, so maybe try breaking it up a little.

Also, I found the ending very interesting, although I think you could make it a little more dramatic than just 'my body goes limp, and dies.'

Oh and by the way, I think by 'manikin' you mean mannequin

Overall it is a fantastic story, I'm just being very picky

Happy writing

Hey there Snake~ Octave here to review. =D

I'm afraid I disagree with the first reviewer. This piece might have potential, but it was really weak so it didn't come off right. I'll try to point out everything you lacked in this piece. On the bright side, your piece does have a plot - it's a shame about plot. I don't see enough short stories with plots these days.

So my first problem is with your dialog. You tend to tag every sentence with, "he said." You don't need to do that. If it's in the same paragraph, the readers will know it's the same person speaking, so you only need to tag it once. When it turns into a different paragraph, and there are more than two characters in the current setting and it's imperative the reader knows who's speaking, then you tag it again. Otherwise (if there's only two characters/it's just some unnamed character speaking) you don't really need to tag it.

Plus, your dialog's punctuation is all wonky. Let me link you to an article about punctuation dialog.

Punctuation within Dialog, by Demeter

Let's move on to the bigger problems of this piece. It didn't hold my attention long enough, for one. I practically skimmed towards the end because the piece wasn't compelling enough to keep my attention. Your beginning was decent, but because of aforementioned reasons, it turned me off.

The big problems:

1. Characterization It's very weak, almost non-existent. I can't distinguish one character from another if you line them up in front of me. This is an especially big problem because this is first person, and first person means I should be in tune with the narrator. First person demands voice, heavy characterization- bias painting the world all around.

I'm going to go on a tirade about voice here, because it's part of characterization. Alternatively, I could put it under emotions because voice is also part of emotions.

Voice:

What is voice? Voice is that unique feel the narrator brings to the narrative. It's subtler in third person but can be caught by the way the author structures his sentences and such, but in first person, voice is usually a huge deal. A very strong voice is the reason you write a story in first person POV. There is something about this character that is so intrinsically different from all other first person POV characters that you just /have/ to write the story from his point of view. His world view or his bitterness or simplicity - I don't care what it is, but it has to be there.

This is not to say voice is to be used to alienate the reader. Instead, it's supposed to draw the reader into the narrator's world. We must think, feel, and understand the narrator, regardless of whether or not we like him.

Which leads me to

2. Emotions

This piece is very flat. I don't feel anything all throughout, and mostly it comes across like a laundry list. He did this, that happened, this happened, and then that happened. This isn't good in third person, but it's particularly terrible in first person. Remember that we must feel what the narrator feels and know his motivations. I don't see anything here. Sometimes you tell the emotions, but you never quite show them, and you don't show me the narrator's thoughts.

You've probably heard show, don't tell time and time again, so I'll go ahead and take the liberty of explaining it in-depth for you.

Here are examples of telling from your work, and my take on showing them.

Tell:

Fear fills inside of me the closer he gets.

Show:

The gun slides against my damp palms, but I hold on to it anyway. I can't let go. What if they all come charging and they're bringing more than guns, they're bringing -

I shut my eyes and inhale deeply. No, no room for pessimism today.

Well, admittedly, not the best example of showing but I tried. You can see the difference, though. I didn't tell you he was scared, but you can infer it.

Note that the entire piece cannot rely on show/tell alone. There has to be a balance struck between both. When you find that balance, cling to it. :3

Showing will greatly increase the emotion in the piece, because if you show emotions as opposed to telling them, it'll be easier for the reader to slip into the world and feel the way the main character feels as well.

3. Tenses

So I can't explain this as in-depth as I did the other two, but it's just as important because every time your tense shifts I'm dragged out of the narrative again. Beware of shifting tenses. Pick one and stick with it. Your prose isn't light enough to carry present tense, I think, so maybe go with past? Present tense doesn't seem to work here, but that's my opinion.

There's more I can complain about (the weak beginning/end), but I think if you fix the problems I mentioned here they won't be as bad anymore. Just remember to slam the reader with your best writing in the beginning of your story. Forget what everyone else says: first impressions matter, and they matter a lot. If you go to a bookstore, you'll see that people will often open a book and read a page or so before tucking the book under their arm or returning it to the shelf. The beginning is super important, because it sets the tone for the rest of the piece and gives the readers a taste of your style. Don't get off on a rocky start.

Anyway, that was my two cents on this piece! I hope you found this review helpful. 8] If you ever need anything, just PM me, okay?

Sincerely,

Octave