Young Writers Society

Alright, well, this was inspired by a dream that I had a while back. I had originally made it into an RP on another site, but it unfortunatelly didn't take off. As I loved this dream and had made the failing RP with hopes of the plot progression that didn't happen, I decided instead to make it into a story [though whether or not it will actually BE a short story or novel is still up for debate]. Any feedback is welcome, and I know it's a little choppy in some places. I wasn't being all that creative in that aspect, I just wanted it down on paper somehow.







He had to run, had to get away. He had to get away from that… thing chasing him. He knew what it was though; he just refused to admit it.

It was toying with him, playing with him. Much like any predator would. It was as much about the hunt as it was about the meal.

He turned a corner, sliding on some water before correcting himself and running down the alley before him. If he could just get back to the main roads it would leave him alone. Openly killing where everyone could see would be disastrous for them. It wouldn’t allow him to make it though.

He dared to look back, only to see nothing there. Had it left? He got his answer when he looked back, seeing a towering being before him. He skid to a halt and stared on, horrified. He took several quick steps away from it, but it matched his steps. The way the being moved almost had a… feminine grace to it.

In a second, it was in front of him, locking eyes with him. He looked back into its gaze, horrified and mystified at the same time. Its hands lovingly took his head before it leaned down to his neck, sending sharp pains through his body as it bit down. He couldn’t bring himself to struggle, couldn’t bring himself to cry out for help. In what seemed like eternity, it finally let go of him. He crumbled to the ground in a heap, gripping his neck as if it’d ease the pain.

He felt like the life had been drained out of him, which was true. He felt something wet and warm on his fingers, he guessed it was blood. But the being hadn’t left yet. Why? Did it want to fuck with him some more? Maybe it wanted to watch him die? Maybe it still wanted to do something to him, some perverse things after he finally passed away. Through the haze of pain he felt his head being lifted. What the hell?

“Drink,” it said to him. He became aware of something against his lips. Was that… skin? He felt himself complying with its demand against his wishes, opening his mouth and feeling a warm liquid wash over his tongue. Whatever it was, he craved more of it. As if it knew, it offered its arm, which he bit into without thinking. He wanted more, but the being pulled itself away from him.

“You’re going to do amazing things, Garrett White. Don’t forget that.” It smiled to him, its face enveloped by shadow. Why couldn’t he see who it was!? He stared on as it left before letting himself succumb to the pain and the oncoming darkness.

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If anyone has any questions about it [such as what the being might be] then I'll feel like I need to go back to my previous English classes again. |:

~ Wolfy

Hey there Wolfy, I'm Cait and I liked where you are going with this. I am usually not into reading vampirish stories but your story kind of intrigued me. I think that it has potential to becoming very interesting if you keep up the good work. Yes, it was a little choppy, but that is what first drafts are for right?

Now for more in depth stuff. You did a great job making this into a prologue. You give us just enough info to capture our attention, but you didn't give enough away so that we didn't feel the need to read the rest of the story. If I were you, tough, I would add just a few more details to show us what is going on around your character. Make us see him a little more in depth so that we attach to him a bit more. Also show us a bit more of his feelings. We know he is scared out of his bloody mind, but what does that feel like to him? How does he react to fear?

I think that you just need to tidy the rest up a bit. For example here...

He turned a corner, sliding on some water before correcting himself and running down the alley before him.

Your sentence is a little wordy and could be made more clear.

I would change it to something like this.

He slid around a corner before running down the alley before him.

Other than that, I would just focus of making your story more succinct and, most importantly, make it your own and don't let it become just another vampire story, because there are so many out there. I hope that you will continue developing your character, he sounds like he is going to be pretty cool. I can't wait to here more about him so if you decide to write more I would love to here about it.

Oh, and remember to have fun writing and don't get bogged down by it.

Hope I helped.

-Cait

Always do have fun. XP I'm glad that you liked it, even if you don't like the genre much. I'm glad you kept with it though.Thanks for the advice, but how might you convey his character more? I'm just curious, as I'm not able to really think of anything else to add yet, but that might just be minor writer's block. I'll post on your wall when I get more of it up. XD

You could have him being reminded of little things while he runs. It's like the writing class I had, where we had to put a lot of memories into a simple action. Yours could be a number of memories while running. Maybe not memories, but just little things that talk about how he perceives things, maybe.