Dr. Strangellama
“Almost there…aaaaalmooooost there” Julian subconsciously mumbled while examining Juanita’s left nostril.
“Is she alright? My mother will kill me if she dies” Bruno whined, biting his nails pupils with his pupils as wide as an elephant trunk.
“You don’t have much to worry about. I think I’ve extracted most of the cyst from her nostril. I’ve got to say, I’ve never witnessed a dermoid cyst in a llama before…”
“Oh good!” he exhaled.
“Next time don’t let your brother try to inject Botox into your mother’s only llama.”
“He stole her needles! And it was not my job to be watching him that day…” Julian shook his head in amusement and pat Bruno on the back. “Have a good day, and keep an eye on Juanita! Her nostrils are going to be sore for about a week.”
“I’m forever grateful! I’ll drop off the potatoes next week!” He screamed as he leaped down the hallway with Juanita in tow, attracting many baffled stares along the way. Julian smiled thoughtfully and moseyed over to his desk to look over more “patient” files.
“Sophia!” he called as his flustered assistant/roommate rushed over, files stacked up in her arms.
“Yes?” she said sweetly.
“Please don’t bring patients into the dorm before I’m in it.”
“It was an emergency. His mother was coming back to town tomorrow and I knew she’d take him out of school if she
found out-”
“Unless you want the dean getting wind of it you better listen to me. I’d lose my scholarship…and get kicked out! I could get indicted for performing surgery without a license for Christ’s sake!” Sophia tilted her head at him with a pensive stare. Her signature look for, “I had good intentions”. Julian sighed and clasped his hand on his forehead.
“Nobody in this dorm is going to say anything. That’s why I picked it. Everyone has to bad of a track record to care.”
“We still have to be careful.”
“I know.”
There was a tap on the door. Sophia plopped her stack on the desk and dashed to the door.
“May I help you?” She inquired in the most professional voice she could manage. A jittery, lanky boy about nineteen with shaggy auburn hair stood at the door. In his arms was an unconscious bear cub with black fur and a small gash above its temple.
“Me an’ my buddies were messin’ around in the woods. We were drinkin’ and laughin’ an’…doin’ all sorts of shit and my friend took a shot straight into the air en’…a heard this squeal. It didn’t feel right so I ran and…I found dis’ little guy all passed out on the ground. I know you only do llamas but…it dun’t feel right leavin’ ’im here…”
“We’ll take him!” she exclaimed. Leaving the nervous young man in the doorway she scooped up the cub in her arms. She laid him gently on the white folding table in the kitchen. “JULIAAAAN” she called in sing-song.
“What?”
“Come here a second.” He begrudgingly left his files and walked into the kitchen, assuming that’s where Sophia meant.
“What the hell is this?”
“A wounded cub. Precious isn’t he?” she cooed, gazing lovingly at the cub.
“I don’t do bears.”
“You’re in training to be a vet. You only specialize in llama surgery.” She corrected. “You can do cubs.”
“You’re fired.”
“I work for the experience. You don’t pay me. Plus, firing the person who has proof of your secret isn’t the smartest idea…”
“Damn you. All right, hand me the kit.” She danced over to the closet and stood on her toes to the top shelf and grabbed the first aid kit. Looking over toward the doorway she noticed the young man awkwardly standing in the doorway, apparently self-soothing by caressing his arm while grinding his teeth.
“Oh, you can come in” she offered sweetly. He stepped in cautiously and sat down on the loveseat that faced the folding table. Sophia danced back to the “patient” and laid the kit next to the cub.
Ignoring the strange kid on their couch, Julian rattled off a list of his needed supplies.
“Hand me gauze, antibiotics, wire, tape, scissors, pliers.”
“Got it.” The kid stared in awe, watching them sputter out directions at two miles a minute as the anomalous veterinary team worked in harmony to stitch up the cub’s gash. In a flash finished.
“All stitched up.” Julian declared matter-of-factly.
“Yay!” Sophia squealed.
“Uh…should I pay you?”
“I don’t accept money, but how this works is more like a barter…” Julian paused mid-sentence and turned around. I rumble echoed down the hallway and sounded closer with each passing second. A roaring sound emitted from the doorway as Sophia shrieked in horror. An adult bear standing on its hind legs towered in their doorway. Everyone believed they would be the bear's next meal. Sophia thought of her mother. The kid remembered the pot he hid in his father’s basement. Julian remembered recent material from his Habitats class, and began devising a plan…
“Listen” he whispered out of the corner of his mouth as the advanced to the fridge, where it began sniffing out its contents.
“If I’m not mistaken, that’s the mother bear and she’s come for her cub. Don’t move yet. My friend Jerry lives across the hall and I’m dialing his number right now. He’s going to start yodeling and dangle some meat in front of the bear. Then Sophia, you’ll grab the cub and bring it outside. Got it?” They nodded robotically. Julian dialed. Jerry agreed and immediately began to yodel. The bear broke away from the fridge and lumbered into the hall.
“Hey I think she sees the meat…wait…what the hell?” The bear chased Jerry down the hall, bearing her teeth and roaring. Sophia dashed to the table, grabbed the cub, and zoomed into the hallway only to meet the bear right as she reached the door.
“Oh SHIT!”
Julian whisked the screaming Sophia off.
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