Young Writers Society

Dear Moon,

I have waited and waited for my beloved Echo, but nothing has to come. Echo has run away. Forever? Is he watching me or with Shasha, his seperate lover? Moon said he would come back soon, but something tells me I can't believe her. If Echo is dead..... I can't bare to think about losing him. I still wonder when Echo will show his feelings for me. I know he loves me..... And so did Moon. "He loves you, Siren. Don't let him go," Moon would say, "He made you into what you are now and has been by your side. Don't throw that all away."
I still remember the day he abducted me. He was hidden in the shadows and I was only a lost, hopeless teenager. 16 felt like so long ago. Becoming a vampire has made my life worse and made the days go by longer. Each day was like my mother's quilt after she died, threaded with sorrow and the color of my tears.
I wish Echo would come and give me the necklace I found in his stuff. A small onyx gem with Siren hand carved in the middle. It was beautiful. I can't think of Echo anymore. I must watch the river on which I live on and just hope that soon he will be walking along side the river, coming for me. The river is my only hope now, since both Echo and Moon are gone. I will burry you soon, Moon. And give you your favorite flowers on your grave.

~Siren

Hm, weird that your character speaks only in the third person. If I were to receive this letter, I'd wonder what the heck this gal was trying to say, since she's talking to Moon about Moon. And she's all over the place. There's very little cohesion. It makes for a poetic read, if nothing else, but that doesn't work so well if you're not trying to write poetry.
You also have a few common mistakes, like "bare" should be bear "...I can't bare to think..." and "burry" should be "bury." In your sentence about the "river on which I live on" probably means that you aren't so much living as living on and it's not as if you're enjoying life on the river, but it still makes for an awkward read because normally the second "on" would be unnecessary.
I do like your impression of eternal life as being very unhappy after getting it, and it is perhaps not universally acknowledged that seeing all your friends and family die while you live on sucks.
So it's a little weird and sounds like a crazy person. Maybe if I had a better context it might seem a little less weird, but right now it's kind of awkward. Work on it a bit, think, "If I were to send this to one of my friends, would they think it was out of the norm?"
I mean, even if your friend is dead, would they think, "Hmm, yeah, this doesn't sound surreal at all."

At first I thought she was talking to the actual moon. Is this really a journal entry, or just what she's thinking in her head? I think it might be good to Italicize it, if it is in writing. I didn't entirely understand or believe your characters motives behind doing this, what exactly was she trying to achieve? Did she want answers, solace, reconciliation? See if you can do a little more with developing your character in this.
You did have a lot poetic lines in there, which made it flow nicely. I really liked the poetic elements though, it's what pulled me in.
Are you planning to do anything else with this? have you done anything else with this?

This is a really interesting and unique story, but I have a few questions that you might like to think about to improve it.

First of all, why is Siren writing to Moon and then referring to Moon in her letter?

cityofdragons wrote:I still remember the day he abducted me.

Who is he? I know later on I realised you meant Echo, but I was left confused for a moment.

cityofdragons wrote:Becoming a vampire has made my life worse and made the days go by longer

How did she become a vampire? Did Echo make her one? How has her life become worse?

cityofdragons wrote:Each day was like my mother's quilt after she died, threaded with sorrow and the color of my tears.

I love this sentence, it's beautiful and was the main thing that really stood out for me.
Happy writing