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My Hero?



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Gender: Female
Points: 817
Reviews: 16
Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:52 pm
FloralTiara says...



Spoiler! :
Well, to sum this peice up, it's a very, very, very heavily condensed version of a novel I was writing. BEcause I wanted to enter it in a contest on another site, I had to shorten it to about 5000 words. (Shockingly, I actually won bronze.) There are several plot holes that I've been made aware of that aren't in the full version, so I'll be uploading the full version as soon as I have the points to do so. Thanks for reading.
"Now listen closely Elicia, you might enjoy this story. It starts with four little words, as many stories do. Once upon a time,"

*********************************

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, there lived a beautiful young princess by the name of Ophelia. She was a sweet girl, loved her stepmother dearly, unlike most princess, and of course, she wanted to find 'love.' She did, at the tender age of fourteen, young and free. But there was a problem here.

You see, the young princess had fallen desperately in love with a handsome young man living in the kingdom. He went by the name of Alexander, and with just a smile and a wink, he'd stolen Ophelia's heart. His blue eyes danced when they met hers, and his blonde hair resembled the sun. It wasn't just his looks that won her over, it was his charm. The flowers, and the compliments, and those were just the beginning. He was perfect in the princess's eyes.

Now the problems with Alexander were his career, and his bloodline. He was only a blacksmith, and not the wealthiest of the smith's either. Ophelia had two options if she wished to have him love her forever. Her first option wasn't really an option. She could give up her title as princess, run away and marry him as a commoner. There were two major problems with this plan though;

One, everyone would recognize her, for her skin was slightly darker than other girls, her strange blue eyes, unlike any others, almost the colour of thin ice, and her chocolate brown hair reached down to her knees, she just didn't have the heart to cut it.

Two, it would be selfish. She was the only heir, both her parents were deceased, and her stepmother, though very loving and very maternal, could not have a child of her own.

So, Ophelia came up with a new plan. Even a common blacksmith could marry a princess if he saved her, and brought her back to the kingdom. He'd be a hero! Ophelia smiled to herself. Oh yes, this plan was perfect!

But she needed help. Someone she trusted more than anyone in the world. Her first choice would have been the queen, her stepmother, Analie. She soon realized it'd be best not to involve the queen, and needed someone else.

Instead, she resorted to her second choice. Her nurse. A woman named Detendra. The queen had hired Detendra to help watch out of Ophelia after the king's passing, when she was forced to take full control of the kingdom.

Strangely, Detendra thought it was a wonderful idea. She quickly made arrangements to fake the kidnapping, and take the princess to a hidden location.

Within the next few weeks, everything was complete. Detendra had found a cavern, and had one of the pretend kidnappers help her make a small cabin in the middle, filled with everything a teenage girl could ever want to keep herself entertained.

The round walls of the cabin were her own canvas, waiting to be painted and Detendra was constantly bringing new clay and wood to the cavern for new creations. Sometimes, when Detendra was in a good mood, she'd even bring new books! Tons and tons of books, most of which, even Detendra herself didn't recognize them all when Ophelia began to search through them.

Unfortunately, those things could not keep Ophelia happy forever.

"Princess? How long has it been?" A high pitched, female voice asked.

Ophelia rolled over on her bed to see the auburn haired girl staring down at her. "It hasn't been long Fig. Deeda says I can't leave, until they are about to give up hope."

Fig dramatically flopped backwards, and groaned when she hit the bed sheets.

"Oh stop it Fig, you aren't even real. You're imaginary." Ophelia scolded, and lazily swatted at the other girl, then let her arm fall limp again. "You aren't even really here. Don't complain."

"Yes, but I'm part of your imagination, which means if you're here, than I'm here, and quite frankly, I'm going insane!" Fig exclaimed, as she waved her arms."You haven't answered my question. How long has it been since we got here?"

"'wo zears." The princess muttered, purposely slurring her words.

"Pardon?"

"Two years..."

Fig groaned. "It's been two already?" She stood up and peered out the window. "I don't think we're ever leaving Princess. I don't trust that Detendra."

"You don't trust anyone, why should I care this time?" Ophelia asked, a saucy tone in her voice.

"Because I'm right. That's why." Fig snapped, and flopped down again.

"You've told me you were right before as well." Ophelia said, and dropped a book on Fig, which caused her to disappear into thin air.

The princess sighed, lifted up the book, and took the seat where her imaginary friend once had been. She gently ran her thin fingers along the lettering of the book, and sighed. "Well Blondie, I hope I don't end up like you. At least, not in the beginning. I don't want to be trapped here forever."

Now, Detendra wasn't the only person who knew of the princess's cavern. A young man by the name of William Hatchett had one day stumbled upon the secret entrance, and concocted his own plan. He'd bring the princess back himself, and become a hero in Sanbura. Once the word of his heroic deed reached his own kingdom of Fransica, he'd instantly be deemed worthy to become a knight, just like his father, and his older brothers.

You see, William wasn't exactly knight material. He was a small, frail boy, and though an excellent wood cutter, too small to carry a sword. He was freckled, thin and red haired, unlike most dashing young men.

He also lacked talent and charm when it came to wooing women. A woman like the young princess Ophelia, for example.

It was clear from the moment they met that the princess did not like this scrawny boy, to say the very least. For one, he lied. He had told her repeatedly that he was a knight, but not once did she believe him. He was also persistent. Frequently, he'd come to her cavern and try to force her to leave. She always refused, but not without insulting him first.

Forty-five times, the boy came to visit, over the span of two years. Sometimes he'd come twice a week, sometimes he was gone for weeks. Somehow though, he still managed to come up with more excuses and ploys to bring her home. None of his reasons were lies, though. For example, one of the stories he told her was that her stepmother spent much of her time crying and organizing search parties to be sent out. Everyone knew the special bond that Ophelia had with her stepmother, and that it would crush her soul to hear of the queen's woe.

After a while, William became smarter, and learned more and more about the princess. On the forty-third visit, he finally asked the winning question.

"Why do you need to stay?" This was the first time William had actually asked the reasoning behind the plan.

"For love." Was all Ophelia said, as she tried to compose herself. "That's all you need to know."

A puzzled look crossed the boys face. "Love? Love for whom?"

"T'is none of your concern!"

William shrugged. "You'll have to come with me sooner or later."

Ophelia shook her head, a taunting look crossing her face. "No, I really won't."

"It's that ol' witch keeping you here, isn't it princess?" William asked, and crossed his thin arms. "I wouldn't trust that woman even if my life depended on her. I especially wouldn't trust her if I was someone, like, oh, say, the Princess of Sanbura."

William had gone too far. He could insult Ophelia's plan all he wanted, and call her crazy, but he would not speak so ill of Deeda and get away with it!

"You'd best leave Deeda out of this! She is the most trustworthy woman in all of Sanbura, in all the continent, in all the world!" Ophelia cried, and stomped her foot with frustration.

"For what? What makes her so trustworthy?"

Ophelia huffed, turned on her heels and went straight back to her cabin. She could not tolerate another minute of William's questioning. "Good bye William!" She snapped.

"But Princess!"

"I said good bye William!"

The princess slammed her heavy wooden door behind her, causing the entire circular cabin to shake slightly.

Two weeks passed before Ophelia and Fig even thought of William. They wouldn't have thought of him again either, hadn't he been seen sneaking around outside the cabin during one of Deeda's visits. While both Ophelia and Fig had caught sight of him, somehow, Deeda didn't notice.

Of course, the nurse had no knowledge of the boy and his visits. If she had, she would have moved Ophelia to a new location long ago, and quite honestly, Ophelia didn't want to move. Her cavern was perfect! No other hiding place would have sunlight pouring in most of the day, a hot spring perfect for bathing in, beautiful, lush foliage and trees that grew only the sweetest of fruits.

"Ophelia? What are you doing?" Detendra asked, during one of her visits. The princess was leaning again the cabin window, blocking as much as she could with her body and her long, draping sleeves.

"Nothing. My back was cold and the sun is warm." Ophelia explained. The nurse shrugged, believing her lie. After all, Detendra always did consider Ophelia to be a little strange, and this seemed rather normal for her. "Deeda, how long will you be away this time?"

"Two weeks at the very least. As we both expected, my disappearances have aroused some suspicion around the castle." The nurse explained, pouring another glass of red wine for herself. "I'll make up a lie about my, hmm, sick aunt, or nephew, or something, and be back for a week, maybe two, next time."

"Alright Deeda. But you will be back, yes?"

"Of course my princess! Now, I should be back in an hour at the most, and I'll be leaving again in the morning. Behave yourself, now will you? I don't want someone seeing you and destroying all we've worked for." Detendra pulled the princess close, and placed a kiss on the top of her head.

"Of course." Ophelia said with a smile. "Now go, before it gets too late. I'll be waiting here, as always."

The nurse slipped away, out of the cabin, and then out of the cavern and into the woods. Once her white-cloaked figure disappeared into the forest, Ophelia called William out from his hiding spot.

"You're doing this all of for Alexander Romanchi."

Ophelia crossed her arms tightly across her chest. "You're just figuring this out? Did you snoop around Sanbura all week?"

"No! I actually have some news, and well, Princess, you might want to sit down for this." William mumbled.

"Why?"

"Because I said so." He said, as he took her by the hand and led her to the cabin. He immediately pointed to a chair near the window.

"Fine." She mumbled. She threw herself down and tightly crossed her arms across her chest, as if she were a child being punished. "I'm sitting. now tell me."

"He's... Princess, I... He's married."

Any colour that had been in Ophelia's face drained within a second. Her stare was blank, and her eyes were lifeless. And then, she spoke. "You're lying. He can't be married. He loves me. We're engaged!" The princess shot up, and held out her left hand to show him the silver ring around her finger.

"Apparently not." Fig's saucy voice rang through the princess's head. It then took on a much more apologetic tone. "Sorry Princess, that was rude. Do you want a hug darling?" Fig seemed honestly concerned about Ophelia, if her voice was a good representation of her feelings.

Ophelia ignored her, and kept her blue eyes locked on William's dark brown ones. "You're lying." She repeated. Her jaw clenched, and eyes narrowed. It was just a ploy. Just another ploy to make her leave.

William shook his her, and stared at her apologetically. "I'm sorry Princess. He's married."

"I don't believe you." She whispered, her teeth chattering, either due to shock, frustration with William, or fear that he was right.

"Then let me prove it." The boy suggested, holding his hand out, as if an attempt to offer some comfort to the heart-broken girl.

The princess stared at him for a moment, utterly confused. "And how do you expect to do that, boy?"

"I'll take you back to the kingdom, show you that he's married, and then, if you insist, you can come back here." William suggested, standing up. "Or, the alternative, you could stay and wait, and years from now he will never show."

Ophelia opened her mouth to speak, but no words would come out. William shook his head. "I knew you wouldn't even consider the possibility." He began to head to the door, but Ophelia grabbed him by the shoulder before he could go any farther.

"And what if he isn't married?" She asked.

"Then you will never, ever have to deal with me again. I'll leave. Forever." William spoke softly, unsure if he should make eye contact with the girl, or turn away.

"Deeda will be leaving tomorrow. She'll be gone two weeks at the very, very least." She mumbled. "I'll go with you. As long as we're back in time."

William looked back up at her, and shockingly, he smiled. Not a smug smile, or a victorious smile, or a cocky smile, just a little smile, so small that his lips barely curled and never parted. "You're safe with me princess. Four o'clock tomorrow?"

"Four." The princess repeated, and with a nod, the boy left.

The very next day at four o'clock sharp, they set off. Just as they were leaving, the sun was beginning to sneak behind the cavern walls, creating high shadows among off the trees and the stone walls behind them.

"It'll take us at least a day and a half to reach Sanbura." William explained, as he lead the princess to the path.

Ophelia gave him a funny stare. "It only takes Deeda a few hours."

William shrugged. "She must have a horse then. We only have our own feet. Let's get going, before it gets too dark."

"But she doesn't have a horse..." Fig mumbled. "Does she?"

Ophelia shook her head. 'Not that I know of,' she thought. 'I've never seen her ride one.'

Hours passed, and slowly, the sun began to fall to the west. William ran ahead and peered over a nearby cliff.

"There's the clearing. We can camp there for the night." he said, as he turned back to face her. "It's just over the hill."

"Alright," was all she said.

William ran down ahead of her. He grabbed on to a few random leafy branches, and with one swift movement, pulled them away to reveal a small shelter, just big enough for the two of them.

"When did you build this?" Ophelia asked.

"This morning. I figured a princess like yourself wouldn't want to lift a finger." William replied.

"I'm not useless you know."

William shook his head. "I just thought I'd be nice, and make this easier on both of us. If you wish, build your own."

That's exactly what she did. Despite Fig's mockery, the princess began to build her own shelter... And with each attempt, she failed. The wind would push the sticks to the ground, a random root would find it's way around her foot, and send her flying into the fort, and once, it even fell without reason. She knew nothing about building a shelter, how did he expect her to build one?

"Give it a rest princess. It's not going to stay. Just stay with me tonight. I built a divider between the two sleeping spots." William insisted,and held out his hand for her.

"Fine." She grumbled, disgusted by the taste of defeat. "What are you cooking?" She asked, after taking a moment to smell the burning wood and something cooking.

"Porridge. Are you hungry?"

"Famished. It smells wonderful."

William nodded with a smile. "It's my mother's recipe. It won't be as good as hers, but hopefully it will be good."

"If it taste half as good as it smells, it'll be amazing." Ophelia said, inhaling the sweet scent again. "It doesn't smell like porridge, though."

"It's the spice blend Mother made. If you like it, I'll have her make some more, maybe you can come and join us for a meal one day. All of Mother's food is delicious. She's an excellent cook, especially for someone who shouldn't have to left a finger." William said proudly.

"That would be lovely." She said with a smile.

Then, the two grew silent, slowly savouring the unique porridge. No words came to mind for the longest time, and quite frankly, the silence drove Fig crazy. She paced around nearby, unable to taste the food, or talk to anyone but Ophelia, who was clearly ignoring her.

Finally, someone spoke. "Ophelia?" William asked.

"Lia."

"What?"

The princess turned away from the fire, and gently set her bowl down in front of her. "Lia. You can call me Lia. Analie always did. I trust you enough to allow you to call me by a nickname."

"Really?" William asked. He hid the shock the best he could. Before he first began to his attempts to 'save' Ophelia, rumors spread about the Sanburan princess, who was known for being very locked up, she rarely trusted anyone, especially not a foreign 'knight.'

"Do you trust me enough to answer a personal question?"

"N- Yes, ask way." She stammered, trying to avoid his eyes.

"What was your relationship like with your parents?" He asked calmly.

"What?"

"If you don't want to answer, you--"

Ophelia cut him off by shaking her head. "No, I'll tell you." She paused to take a deep breath. "I didn't know much about the queen, you see, she died when I was barely four months old. The late king only married her out of convenience, and I was only born to ensure an heir to the throne. They didn't want a child, especially not a girl."

William wanted to speak, to ask questions, but it was rare for Ophelia to even speak of her past, and he shouldn't ruin this once in a lifetime opportunity.

"When I was two months old, a noble family brought their adopted daughter to meet my parents. All the daughters of nobles meet the king and queen shortly after their 16th birthday in Sanbura. It's a tradition." She paused again, this time turning to look at William. "Go ahead, guess who that girl was."

"The current queen?"

She nodded. "Analie. The king became infatuated her. He married her six months after the late queen passed away. She was beautiful, she was charming, and she was smart. The problem was she couldn't have her own children. That's the real reason she married the king. She could raise me as her own, so she could be a mother, and I wouldn't grow up with just a father who was rarely ever around."

He was silent. He'd always heard that the current queen married the king because she loved him, not because she loved Ophelia.

"I did not enjoy the king's company much. He was rarely around, and when he was, I often wished he would leave. Most of our time together was spent with other noble families, or other monarchs, trying to arrange a marriage between myself and one of their sons, once we became of age. As you can see, none of those arrangements ever fell through."

"Clearly. So now, instead of having an arranged marriages, you are creating a fake hero to marry?" William rested his head in his hand. Her plan was well thought out, it just might work. Her reasoning, on the other hand, did not add up.

"It sounds awful when you say it like that. I just want to marry for love." She explained. "Unlike my parents. They may not be noble intentions, but at least I'm fighting for what I want."

William was about to speak, but instead, he was cut off but a sharp squealing from above.A tiny flame crossed the speckled blue sky and rather than returning, exploded into a million beautiful sparks if every colour.

"What are they?" Ophelia asked with excite. Like a child on Christmas, she scurried up a tree, followed closely by Fig, and watched the lights brighten the night sky.

"Fireworks. They are from China, made to make loud noises and bright colours. That's what Father says. They use them for celebrations." William said, as he followed her up the tree, and took a seat on a nearby branch.

"They are absolutely beautiful." The princess said in awe.1

"They are aren't they? I wonder what they're celebrating..." William mumbled, as three more fireworks exploded above them.

"We'll find out tomorrow, now won't we?"

"I guess we will."

The very next morning, the very impatient young Fig was attempting to wake the two up. No matter how hard she tried nothing would get Ophelia up, and without Ophelia, she couldn't wake William. She--

*********************************** *****************

"Auntie Zel?" Elicia interrupted, crossing her arms and legs. "Can you skip to the next part?"

With pretend horror, Zel gasped. "But Fig is the best character! This is her big moment!"

"Zel!"

"Fine, fine!"

*********************************** *****************

The trio arrived in the kingdom just after lunch.

Ophelia was now sporting a new dress and wig that William bought for her, to avoid anyone recognizing her. She skipped and twirled, letting the dress flare up and spin with her. Since no one knew who she was, she could have all the fun she wanted.

Others around them were celebrating and dancing as well. Ophelia and William were unsure what they were celebrating, yet joined in on the fun anyway.

Ophelia's joy continued until her blue eyes locked on a handsome, golden haired blacksmith... And the beautiful brunette with her arms around his neck, her lips pressed to his, and a ring on her left hand.

Ophelia took a few steps back, preparing to run back to her cavern, lock herself there and never ever leave, but she stopped herself. Her stepmothers words echoed through her head. "You can't stop your life because someone passes on or moves on from you." The words Analie had said when the king passed away. "It's your life, not theirs."

She stood for a few moments, until her first and last tears slid down her cheeks. "It's my life." She whispered.

"Lia? Are you alright?" William called. He ran up and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Saw him, didn't you?" She nodded. "I'm sorry Lia, I really am."

She shrugged, flipped a strand of blonde hair over her shoulder. "I'm not letting his new replacement get me down." She said with a smile. "Now dance with me! I want to have fun!"

"You're just trying to distract yourself. You should be curled up in a ball, sobbing your eyes out." Fig said, running to keep up with Ophelia and William, who whirled around the kingdom square like there was no tomorrow.

'That's true.' Ophelia said, in her head of course. 'If I start crying about him now, I'll never stop, never move on, never learn from this. If I don't start, it's over, it's done, it's in the past. I'm a new girl, with a new life, starting right here, right now.'

The music stopped abruptly, and a chorus of 'boos!' filled the kingdom. Then, large horns began to play. The horns only ever played when the royal family was approaching.

Followed by half a dozen guards, Queen Analie made her way down the streets to the square. She was accompanied by two others. One was Detendra, and the other was--

"Princess? How are you here and there?" Fig asked, looking from blonde Ophelia to brunette Ophelia, and back to blonde.

"I'm not there, I can't be. I'm right here!" The princess exclaimed.

"Ophelia? What on earth is going on?" William asked.

Ophelia shook her head, and mouthed 'I don't know'

The loudest guard began speaking. "Ladies and gentleman! May I introduce her royal majesty, the long lost Princess Ophelia Cranwell of Sanbura!"

All but two in the crowd erupted into cheers. Silence fell over the town when William, in a rash decision, cried out, "That's not the real princess!"

An uproar of a different sort began. Rather than joy, people cried out in confusion.

"Silence!" Detendra screeched. She scanned the crowd for a quick second and pointed her boney finger at William. "Boy, come here!"

William nervously made his way through the crowd, holding on tight to Ophelia. "What is it ma'am?"

"What would ever cause a boy like you to think that this wasn't the princess?" She asked. Neither Fig nor Ophelia had ever noticed before, but when Detendra was angry, she looked like a witch. She looked a lot like a witch.

William cleared his throat and spoke again. "The real princess is standing next to me."

"She's a blonde!" Detendra spat. William pulled the blonde wig off Ophelia's head, and unbraided the thick hair. "Now do you see the resemblance?"

Detendra moved closer to the princess and examined her. "Uncanny! She is an exact replica of the princess! Only someone with magic could warp a person like that! Listen to his accent, he's clear Fransican! His kingdom may be still harbouring witches and using them against us! They could be trying to take over out kingdom, using these filthy spell casters, just like the ones we exiled! Claude! Take these two to the dungeon!"

Tears started pooling in Ophelia's eyes. "Deeda... Deeda, please!"

Though Ophelia hadn't noticed, Analie's eyes had been locked on the girl. She hadn't so much as blinked or broken her concentration, even among the chaos.

"Claude, hurry up!"

Claude and two of his other guard roughly grabbed Ophelia and Will by the wrist, shackling them together. "At you request ma'am. You majesty?"

Analie hadn't noticed Claude the first time, but the second, she'd taken attention. "Yes, what is it?"

"Do you condemn this?"

"I do not. Place them in the cleanest, warmest place you can find. A fair trial will be held the break of dawn tomorrow morning. Now be off, and be gentle, I beg you." As the guards led their two captives off, Analie turned to Detendra. "Do not dare go into that trial expecting the results I know you want."

"But your majesty! Impersonating a princess is a serious crime and an act of treason!"

The queens eyes narrowed as she nodded. "I know Detendra, I know, but as my late husband once said, everyone is right until proven wrong."

*********************************

"Auntie Zel!" Elicia cried. "Ophelia can't go to the dungeon! She's a princess!"

"I know dear. Now listen, I'm almost to the end."

Elicia put an imaginary key in an imaginary lock by her lips, twisted it and threw it away.

"Good girl. Now where was I?"

*********************************

"Just yesterday, I was in paradise... Now look where I am!" Ophelia complained, leaning against the grey stone wall. The rough stone walls were nothing like the smooth curved walls of her cabin. They weren't warm and inviting in any way, shape or form. This clearly wasn't the room Analie had been referring to.

"I'm sorry princess." William mumbled. "I really am."

"I know." was all she said.

What must have been two hours passed before anyone came to check on them. A girl dressed in a white gown made her way down the stairs and to the cell. As she came closer, Fig could make out the girls features. "Doppelganger." She hissed, glaring, though her stare had little effect, after all, she couldn't be seen.

Ophelia stood up and walked over to the imposter on the other side of the gate. "What do you want?"

"I can't come visit you?" The fake asked innocently.

"No." Ophelia spat. "You know you aren't really me, don't you?"

"Of course I now that, but nobody else does, nor do they need to." She said with a smirk.

"Someone must know. You couldn't do this all on your own. It's Deeda, isn't it?" Ophelia asked. Secretly, she prayed the girl would say no, that her nurse did not betray her.

"She's a witch Lia. I've been trying to tell you for the last two years!" William said. He joined the two at the gate, glaring at the girl on the other side.

"Smart boy." The fake smiled and ran a hand along William's cheek. "If you play your cards right, I just might make you my consort prince."

William slapped her hand away. "I'd never be your consort!"

"A shame, really. I guess you'll just rot in this cell with the ex-princess of Sanbura." The girl turned to leave, but was stopped in her tracks when Ophelia spoke again.

"Who are you?"

For a mere moment, the fake turned into a different girl. A stout, tanned, blonde... Just like Detendra. "I was Catalina, the daughter of the most powerful witch in the land. Now I'm princess Ophelia."

And with that, she left.

The trial was the next morning, in the castle throne room. Analie sat in the center of the room, fidgeting. Fig rested her elbows on the chair's arms, and attempted to understand what was going through the queens head.

Catalina had taken Ophelia's seat, and her mother Detendra stood next to her. They both looked so proud, so vain. Boosting would be their fatal flaw, Ophelia could tell.

"Stand!" The guard announced. "Let the defendants present their pleas."

Ophelia stood first. She pushed a piece of hair back behind her ear, took a deep breath, and began to speak.

"Analie, please, you must know it's me!" A guard shot up to scold Ophelia for refering to the queen by her first name, but Analie simply pushed him back down. "I've done nothing wrong. I simply came home."

Fig jumped up. "Ophelia's that's not going to be a good enough answer! They--"

"Oh hush Fig!" Ophelia clasped her hands over her mouth, realizing what she'd just done. She'd spoken to an imaginary girl. They'd call her mad, or a witch, or a mad witch!

"Fig?" Analie repeated, a smile itching to appear on her lips.

"Who's Fig?" Catalina asked. Analie shot her a dirty look before snapping her fingers.

"Take these two to the dungeon! The girl on trial should be sitting here with me. This is my daughter." The queen announced, running down a few stairs, and pulling Ophelia into her arms. Her daughter was home. She was finally home.

*********************************** *****************

"What happened after that?" Elicia asked. Her eyes grew wide as she waited for the story to continue.

Zel began picking up Elicia's toys as she rattled off the rest of the tale. "Well, Ophelia moved back into the castle. Detendra and Catalina moved back to the cabin for a few years, until things settled down."

"What about William?"

"He became a knight in Fransica, just like he always wanted, but he wasn't happy."

Elizia watched Zel move around for a while, but her patience couldn't last forever. "Just sit down and tell me what happened!"

Zel sighed, and took a seat at the foot of the bed. "He moved to Sanbura when he was about 19, maybe 20."

"And what about Fig?"

"Well, Ophelia found a magic user that would give Fig what she always dreamed of. Once she got what she wanted, Ophelia began calling her by a different name." Zel explained, tucking a peice of auburn hair behind her ear.

"What name?"

"Zeralda." She said with a smile.

Elicia stopped to think for a minute, but shook the idea away. "Mother says you always learn something from a fairy tale. What did I learn from this one?"

Zel giggled a little bit, and put an arm around the girls shoulder. "You learned not to judge a book by it's cover, that the person you least expect will be the one that stands up for you and tries to help you, and you learned" She paused for effect, "how your parents met."
Last edited by FloralTiara on Sun Jun 26, 2011 2:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Reviews: 27
Sun Jun 26, 2011 1:05 am
dancingmangos says...



This is officially one of my favorite princess stories :) It has the right mix of romance, mystery, and heartbreak.

A few nitpicks, though:

1) I was thrown off by the cut-ins and breaks within the story itself. Other than this part....

The very next morning, the very impatient young Fig was attempting to wake the two up. No matter how hard she tried nothing would get Ophelia up, and without Ophelia, she couldn't wake William. She--

*********************************** *****************

"Auntie Zel?" Elicia interrupted, crossing her arms and legs. "Can you skip to the next part?"

With pretend horror, Zel gasped. "But Fig is the best character! This is her big moment!"

"Zel!"

"Fine, fine!"


...they were random. It unnecessarily took my attention off the story, and it was kind of annoying, actually. I understand what you were trying to do, of course, but it didn't work so well for this particular story.

2) It seemed like the end was cut short. I didn't really like how vague Zel was about what happened to everyone afterwards. It just didn't have enough closure...just shut off because you got bored or something like that.

Keep writing!
"The core of the human spirit comes from new experiences."
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 1:21 am
Sannah says...



That was epic. Really good. :) You did a pretty good job at developing the characters for a short story and the plot was very well thought out. There were only a few punctation errors and if you look over your work I am sure that you will catch them. The only thing that bothered me was how blue eyes were rare and how Alexander had blue eyes. But it is your story so if you don't want to change that, don't. It is a good story the way it is. :) I would also like to know how Elicia feels about this story. That would be cool. You did a good job!
"Raise your voice every single time they try and shut your mouth." My Chemical Romance
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Sun Jun 26, 2011 1:40 am
silentpages says...



"Now listen closely Elicia, you might enjoy this story. It starts with four little words, as many stories do. Once upon a time." For a first line, I felt like this was kind of out of place. Well, maybe that's the wrong way to say it, but... We have no idea who Elicia is. I mean, we can kind of guess, but who's telling her this story? Father? Grandfather? We have no clues aside from the stuff we can assume by reading all the other older-relative-telling-child-a-story opening sequences.

"One, everyone would recognize her, for her skin was slightly darker than other girls, her strange blue eyes, unlike any others, almost the colour of thin ice, and her chocolate brown hair reached down to her knees, she just didn't have the heart to cut it."
... Why? Why does she look so different? Is it a bloodline thing, that the royal family and them alone always carry these characteristics, or is she the only person with foreign blood in this other kingdom, or what? People can be very diverse, and since this sounds more medieval, they don't have internet or TV or anything. Chances are, pictures of this chick are rare. And what pictures there are will be painted, maybe embellished a little to cover up her acne or her crooked nose...
What's more, I hope you aren't expecting us to sympathize with her immediately, because a few paragraphs in, I don't like her. At all. She seems superficial, easy to manipulate, too shallow to give up her position or even cut her hair... If this is her character fine, but right now I don't really like her and I don't really care about her a whole lot. *shrug* Maybe that'll change as I read on.

"Two, it would be selfish. She was the only heir, both her parents were deceased, and her stepmother, though very loving and very maternal, could not have a child of her own." Okay. *thinks* This could point to some redeeming characteristic, that it's out of concern for her nation or a sense of duty, rather than just not wanting to give up her station. But I'm not crazy about the order of things here, or about the amount of emotion in here (not much).

"Her first choice would have been the queen, her stepmother, Analie. She soon realized it'd be best not to involve the queen, and needed someone else." Why can't she use the queen? Can I get a reason, here? Help me follow her logic.

"The round walls of the cabin were her own canvas, waiting to be painted and Detendra was constantly bringing new clay and wood to the cavern for new creations." First thought: Tangled? Second thought: She's an artist? We never heard about that part of her character before, did we?

I'm equally disturbed and attracted to Ophelia's imaginary friend/hallucination... Still trying to decide where it is on the creepy scale.

"A young man by the name of William Hatchett had one day stumbled upon the secret entrance-"
How?
"- and concocted his own plan. He'd bring the princess back himself, and become a hero in Sanbura. Once the word of his heroic deed reached his own kingdom of Fransica, he'd instantly be deemed worthy to become a knight, just like his father, and his older brothers." A bit telling here. Maybe allude to the fact that he's a foreigner a little earlier. Why didn't he just save the princess right away? Why hasn't the princess demanded to be brought back by now? How does William recognize her - as I said before, no internet or TV, and a foreigner might be less familiar with a missing princess's looks.

"You see, William wasn't exactly knight material. He was a small, frail boy, and though an excellent wood cutter, too small to carry a sword." It strikes me that cutting wood might be harder than swinging a sword. I mean, cutting down trees all day is HARD. You don't often see frail lumberjacks, whereas squires and pages (knights in training) are often depicted as frail, and young. How young is William, exactly, and how did he end up in this other nation?

"It was clear from the moment they met..."
HOW? Give us some details! What was this first meeting like? How exactly did he find her cavern? Was it hard work getting in to talk to her, or not?
"He was also persistent." Positive connotation. I would change it to something more negative, like 'stubborn'.

"Frequently, he'd come to her cavern and try to force her to leave." How? Begging, Persuading, Dragging? How does she manage to stop him? Is he that weak that he can't overpower a pretty little princess?

"Two weeks passed before Ophelia and Fig even thought of William." Short term memory loss, or legit insanity? Because if this guy has been coming around for years, they're not just going to block him out completely. Also, if he really annoys her that much, why not just tell Deeda about him?

"Now, I should be back in an hour at the most" Where is she going?

Some grammar errors.

"and held out her left hand to show him the silver ring around her finger." Wait a second, wait a second... How exactly did Alexander and her meet? How far had their relationship progress? Was he aware of the plan when she set things in motion? Did he just sit around for a while thinking "Oh, Deeda never gave me the address of the cavern I'm supposed to save that princess chick from... Oh, well. There are other fish in the sea."

"The wind would push the sticks to the ground, a random root would find it's way around her foot, and send her flying into the fort, and once, it even fell without reason." This sounds like a montage from a Disney movie... Not necessarily bad, just... I don't know. *shrugs*

The part where Fig is trying to wake them up, and you just cut it off, struck me as odd... *shrug*

A wig and a dress wouldn't cover up her eyes or skin.

Ophelia and William's relationship progressed VERY quickly. She went from not liking him to trusting him completely in a very short time. And she also got over Alexander's betrayal very quickly, too.

"Detendra and Catalina moved back to the cabin for a few years" *raises hand* Were they not just taken to the dungeon? How were they able to 'move' until things settled down?

Hm.... Interesting ending, but a little rushed. Throughout the whole piece, I want more detail. Really take us into the story. Even if this is a narrator, I really want to watch the action as it unfolds. In some places you skip right over the interesting parts, and in others you give us details that I really don't think we need.

Basically, I think this could use more details, a little smoothing out, maybe rethink a few aspects of your plot... I've gotta confess, I never really connected with any of your characters. I outright disliked Ophelia... The whole time. *shrug*

Aside from that, though, I think you have a good idea here. With a little work, this could be an awesome story.

Keep writing. :]
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  








You can't choose your parentage. But you can choose your legacy.
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