Young Writers Society

Once upon a time, there was a princess named Megan. She and her best friend, Katy, who also happened to be a princess, were in the midst of living happily ever after with their true loves, Prince Daniel, and Prince Kyle. They deserved this happily ever after because, after many stories with familiar plots, they had finally defeated the evil Lemma for the seventh time. And as seven is a lucky number, they knew she could never come back.

But they were wrong! If Lemma had been a good magical person, like Princess Megan or Princess Kay, killing her seven times would work, but Lemma was an evil magical person, which means that she had an extra life hidden up her sleeve.
One day, the royal couples were taking a beachside walk, giving out candy and flowers to anyone they met. Prince Daniel, who had spent the entire morning trying to work up the nerve to ask Princess Megan to marry him, finally asked if he could have a private word with her. As he led Princess Megan away, he did not notice the grateful look the Prince Kyle gave him.

Prince Daniel took Princess Megan to her favorite place in the whole beach! It was a magical cave with crystals on the ceiling. These crystals changed color based on the mood of whoever is in the cave. Here, Prince Daniel got down on one knee, and was just about to pour his heart out to Princess Megan, when the lights went out. Unnoticed by Prince Daniel or Princess Megan, they had been followed by none other than the evil Lemma! As soon as evil Lemma had entered the cave, the magical crystals of the cave, sensing her overwhelming thirst for revenge, had turned black.
The constantly devious Lemma took advantage of the moment of confusion to club Princess Megan over the head, and magically transform herself to look like her, although she could not quite capture Princess Megan’s beauty.
Still in the dark, she grabbed Prince Daniel’s hand and led him to the entrance of the cave. Here, Prince Daniel got down on one knee once more, and asked LEMMA to marry him, not knowing that his true love was lying unconscious in the dark.
Lemma, who had always been creepily obsessed with charming Prince Daniel, readily accepted his proposal, and the two walked arm in arm to go find Prince Kyle and Princess Katy.

Now, while all this excitement and evil had been happening, Prince Kyle had pulled Princess Katy off to her favorite place with the same intention as Prince Daniel. Princess Katy’s favorite place on the entire beach was a cliff that overlooked the ocean. It was a wonderful spot for a picnic, or a proposal.

But before Prince Kyle could kneel down to ask, they were approached by grumpy Lord Nathan, who asked to have a private word with Prince Kyle. Prince Kyle, always a Prince, did not respond that this was not a good time, but allowed grumpy Lord Nathan to lead him away. As soon as they were out of Princess Katy’s sight, she sighed. She had been hoping that Prince Kyle was going to propose, but if that had been his intention, he wouldn’t have let grumpy Lord Nathan lead him away. But, maybe grumpy Lord Nathan had caught Prince Kyle off guard, and he will be back soon to apologize and propose.
So, Princess Katy’s heart just about dropped down to her toes when grumpy Lord Nathan returned without her love. Grumpy Lord Nathan told Princess Katy that he had brought Prince Kyle some very important Princely information, and Prince Kyle had had to leave immediately to take care of it. Also, Prince Kyle had ordered grumpy Lord Nathan to keep Princess Katy company until he returned.

Now, both you and I know that nothing of the sort had happened. In all actuality, grumpy Lord Nathan had attacked Prince Kyle from behind as soon as they were out of Princess Katy’s earshot. After he had overpowered Prince Kyle, grumpy Lord Nathan had left him tied to a tree, for Lemma to deal with. For grumpy Lord Nathan was working for Lemma; she had told grumpy Lord Nathan that he could marry Princess Katy if he helped her. But, Princess Katy knew none of this and was so distraught by Prince Kyle’s ‘abandonment’ that she asked no questions. So, she allowed grumpy Lord Nathan to lead her back to the seashore where Prince Daniel and “Princess Megan” were waiting.

As soon as Princess Katy saw Lemma disguised as Princess Megan, she knew something was wrong. This Princess Megan was not nearly as beautiful and graceful as the Princess Megan Princess Katy knew, and there was a sinister, self-satisfied smirk on her face, that had never been there before. But Princess Katy pretended not to notice this, although she had great trouble hiding her horror when she discovered that Prince Daniel and this imposter were engaged. As she shrugged away grumpy Lord Nathan’s arm on the way back to the castle, Princess Katy told herself that if Prince Kyle had not returned by nightfall, she would sneak out and look for him and together, they would find out what had happened to Princess Megan. But Princess Katy was not the only one sneaking out that night; while Princess Katy snuck out of her window and ran off in the direction she had seen grumpy Lord Nathan lead Prince Kyle, Lemma was stealthily making her way back to the magical cave. After making sure that Princess Megan was still unconscious, Lemma dragged the Princess out to the seashore, and then pulled out the mermaid whistle that she just happened to have. As a mermaid surfaced, Lemma took Princess Megan’s still unconscious form, and flung her into the sea, shouting, “Take her! And never let her surface again!” With that, she walked away, her eye twitching in anger.

The mermaid that Lemma had summoned swam over to Princess Megan, intending to grab her and pull her underwater until she drowned (which was essentially what Lemma had told her to do), but when she caught sight of the incredible beauty of Princess Megan, the mermaid had a change of heart. But she was bound by the magic mermaid whistle, and she had to do what Lemma had told her. So, using her special mermaid magic, the mermaid turned Princess Megan into a mermaid! She then grabbed the slightly stirring Princess Megan by the hand, and pulled her into the depths.
Meanwhile, Princess Katy had been wandering around in the woods for hours, looking for Prince Kyle. She was just about to turn back and try to get some sleep, when she saw the glow of fire off in the distance. Thinking about voodoo people and other such nonsense, Princess Katy cautiously made her way towards the fire. A horrible sight met her eyes. Lemma, having finished with Megan, had come for Prince Kyle. She was now dancing around the fire in a very foolish way shrieking nonsense words of hate, while Prince Kyle struggled valiantly against his bonds (he was still tied to a tree).
Finally, a slightly out of breath Lemma turned towards Prince Kyle and starts enchanting him. She tells him that he hates Princess Katy and that he wants to kill her, knowing that being killed by Prince Kyle would be the ultimate sorrow for Princess Katy.

Princess Katy, who has been hiding in the bushes during the crazy dance, now rushed forewords and knocks Lemma into the fire. As she bursts into flames, Princess Katy rushes to Prince Kyle, and unties him. He looks up at her, and then begins convulsing, as the evil of Lemma’s unfinished spell battles his love for Princess Katy. Princess Katy, realizing what is happening, reaches down and kisses her true love. Instantly, the evil spell rushes out of Prince Kyle, and he collapses onto the grass.
Right then, Princess Katy becomes aware of a gasping behind her. She turns to see a hideously disfigured Lemma somehow still alive, a sinister smile on her lips. Katy notices there’s something different about Lemma, and realizes that this is Princess Megan’s imposter! Princess Katy rushes to Lemma and grabs her by the shoulders, demanding to know what Lemma did to Princess Megan. Lemma laughs, and spits out, “She’s gone,” before breathing her last time. She’s dead, for real this time. Princess Katy stares at the dead body in her hands, and starts to sob. Prince Kyle, decently recovered now, comes over and places a hand on her shoulder, knowing that there is no way to console his love, and wondering what he’s going to tell Prince Daniel.

I would say Prince Daniel took it very well. He screamed, and cried a bit, but he got over her, and started courting a new girl, Sophie, the two were very happy together and eventually got married. Prince Kyle and Princess Katy were married on the same day.

Meanwhile, under the sea, the newly mermaided Princess Megan found herself in love with a very handsome merman, Prince Skylar. They were soon married and lived happily ever after.

Just so you know, Princess Megan found Princess Katy and Prince Kyle on one of their beach side walks a few weeks after the weddings. After a near heart attack from Princess Katy after seeing her best friend alive and with a tail, Princess Katy gave Princess Megan the news that Prince Daniel had married someone else. Princess Megan did not mind this, because she and Prince Skylar were happier together than Princess Megan had ever been with Prince Daniel. So everyone found their true love, and since Lemma had been killed eight times, there was no way she could come back. So this truly was a happily ever after.

Most unfortunately, grumpy Lord Nathan, hoping to meet a pretty mermaid to fall in love with, threw himself into the sea and hit his head on a rock.

I think it could be revised a bit, looking at word choice and such, but otherwise it's okay, I think. I don't want to sound harsh though. I really liked the ending. I have problems with word choice too, but revising and reading aloud helps me find better words, and I can see where I repeat words.

As he led Princess Megan her away, he did not notice the grateful look the Prince Kyle gave him.

Prince Daniel took Princess Megan to her favorite place in the whole beach!

Consider changing the exclamation point to a period. Exclamation points can be useful, but in this case it seems out of place.

It was a magical cave with crystals on the ceiling., These crystals which changed color based on the mood of whoever was in the cave.

As soon as evil Lemma she had entered the cave, the magical crystals of the cave, sensing her overwhelming thirst for revenge, had turned black.

and asked LEMMA to marry him,

Consider putting 'Lemma' in italics instead of capitals.

The repetition of 'grumpy Lord Nathan' gets to be a bit much after a while. Just saying it the first time is probably sufficient.


There were some other errors, but overall this was a very interesting story. I'm guessing it was supposed to be a spoof? It was funny in an odd way, and quite entertaining. Nice use of under-exaggeration. Well done, and keep on writing!

I guess it was sort of a spoof. My friends had been writing stories like this for a while and I just wanted to try it out. Thanks for the input!

Well, it was certainly interesting. In a good way, of course.

Now, at some points, it reminded me of the little mermaid. (The Disney version) But other than those few paragraphs, it was pretty original. It seems that you had a lot of fun writing this and dreaming it up, after all, it's pretty amusing. Is it a spoof of fairy tales? Either way, I'm glad I took the time to read it.

There are a few grammar mistakes and a couple of areas of confusion, but I can't think of any right off the top of my head. Actually, it'd be nice to know what the other stories you mention in the first paragraph are. Ever considered uploading those as well?

Oh, just one little thing that you may or may not want to consider. You always refer to the characters as Princess or Prince, but really, after the first time or two, once the reader realizes that they're a prince or princess, you don't really have to put that and just call them by their name. Of course, you can keep it the way it is, it's perfectly fine that way.

Oh, and I can't forget to mention the ending. It was short, quick, and funny. Really liked it.

So, um, that's all I have to say.

The phrase fairy tale is very good bait if you're planning to catch the likes of me. ;D *moves to review*

Once upon a time, there was a princess named Megan. She and her best friend, Katy, who also happened to be a princess, were in the midst of living happily ever after with their true loves, Prince Daniel, and Prince Kyle. I will be totally honest. >.O I yawned at this point. Fairy tales have never been paragons of good writing, but that's no excuse to forget all the writing rules. oo"They deserved this happily ever after because, after many stories with familiar plots, they had finally defeated the evil Lemma for the seventh time. Uhm, thanks for telling me that, but is there a reason I should know? ^^" And as seven was a lucky number, they knew she could never come back. I like the segue into seven being a lucky number, but honestly, I do not know what this past paragraph was doing in the story.

You have approximately five seconds (and that's stretching it) to capture a reader's attention. Don't waste it on backstory or telling. Hit them with your best writing, if possible. This means no telling, and no infodumping. Also, if possible, add in voice.

But they were wrong! Exclamation points! They tend to be overexpressive! And take away the gravity of the statement unless it's been a while! >> But that could be just me. ^^" I have a thing against excessive use of exclamation points. If Lemma had been a good magical person, like Princess Megan or Princess Kay, killing her seven times would work, but Lemma was an evil magical person, which means that she had an extra life hidden up her sleeve. More information that would be useful only when I need it. One, this is infodumping. Two, you sort of kind of killed the trick you had up your sleeve. ^^" This could have been a twist, but you revealed it soooo. >>"

One day, the royal couples were taking a beachside walk, giving out candy and flowers to anyone they met. They're so full of sunshine I bet they vomit rainbows. >.O I know its all about show, not tell, but this is overkill. Prince Daniel, who had spent the entire morning trying to work up the nerve to ask Princess Megan to marry him, finally asked if he could have a private word with her. As he led Princess Megan away, he did not notice the grateful look the Prince Kyle gave him. Show the conversation, show his nervousness, and please stop telling me things. Also, here you deviated from the fairy tale feel I thought you were going for at first, which proves that you weren't trying to go for a fairy tale feel after all - you simply charged on. ^^"

Prince Daniel took Princess Megan to her favorite place in the whole beach! More exclamation points! It was a magical cave with crystals on the ceiling. These crystals changed color based on the mood of whoever is in the cave. Plenty more ways to describe this without making it sound boring (not that I want you to rely on purple prose, but this borders on beige prose). Here, Prince Daniel got down on one knee, and was just about to pour his heart out to Princess Megan, when the lights went out. The crystals went out, you mean. oo Or the lights disappeared. Something, but not that. Also, they must be pretty far in if they can't see sunlight anymore. Unnoticed by Prince Daniel or Princess Megan, they had been followed by none other than the evil Lemma! Even more! This is a catastrophe! ._. See how the overuse of exclamation points takes away the gravity of the mark? I like to keep exclamation point use to about, oh I don't know, maybe one for every thousand words. As soon as evil Lemma had entered the cave, the magical crystals of the cave, sensing her overwhelming thirst for revenge, had turned black. This sentence establishes the fact that you're writing from a third person omniscient point of view.

The constantly devious Lemma took advantage of the moment of confusion to club Princess Megan over the head This would make a sound., and magically transform herself to look like her, although she could not quite capture Princess Megan’s beauty. She's beautiful, she's nice, but she's kind of flat. You'll want to add more quirks and details to her personality. Maybe she thinks of the crystals as spirits watching over them, or something like that. Also, I won't argue the black and white morality here because this is a fairy tale, but I do wish you'd take out the word evil every now and then.

Still in the dark, she grabbed Prince Daniel’s hand and led him to the entrance of the cave. Here, Prince Daniel got down on one knee once more, and asked LEMMA The caps cheapen it. to marry him, not knowingthathis true love was lying unconscious in the dark. This reads more like an outline than an actual story, so I'll stop here.

Lemma, who had always been creepily obsessed with charming Prince Daniel, Now *this* is beautiful and adds a new dimension to the story. Let's see her obsession? =D readily accepted his proposal, and the two walked arm in arm to go find Prince Kyle and Princess Katy. Anyway, I wasn't lying when I said I'd stop, so I'll just stop here. (I just needed to say that the obsession thing was good.)

I'm going to be blunt: this reads more like an outline that bathed in a river of adjectives than an actual story. oo The usual fairytale patterns aren't here, so I don't really know about calling this a fairy tale. A fairy tale is a series of events set in a strange area with vague details that make it sound as if it could be anywhere, and usually starts with someone who's fallen from grace (the princess shunned by her maid in The Goose Girl) or someone of low status to begin with (Stupid Hans). It's about an adventure, and morality is usually clear. Sure, you have some elements, but read your story again and you'll find it's not exactly a fairy tale.

Perhaps the ending is happy, but this doesn't turn it into a fairy tale, yes? =] (Not sure if the ending is happy, though. oo Didn't read it to the end.)

Anyway, let's not discuss fairy tales and my unnatural fondness for them. Let's talk about your writing. I noticed plenty of mistakes, and I'll discuss them generally.

First of all, you always tell and never show. You even tell me conversations, which is surprising. If you add conversations to this, you could solve a lot of problems. There's a reason I adore dialogue, and it's because you can put in so many tidbits into it. Characterization and description and dialogue can all be done within one conversation. I'm not telling you to do "As you know, Bob," conversations, but rather, to make full use of dialogue.

Watch. I'll get an example from one of my favorite books, The Book Thief.

"This one," she'd pointed out to Liesel the first time they went there, "is the mayor's house. That crook. His wife sits at home all day, too mean to light a fire - it's always freezing in there. She's crazy." She punctuated the words. "Absolutely. Crazy." At the gate, she motioned to the girl. "You go."

Liesel was horrified. A giant brown door with a brass knocker stood atop a small flight of steps. "What?"

Mama shoved her. "Don't you 'what' me, Saumensch. Move it."

Observe everything established. The dynamics between the two characters are clear - points to Zusak for that. Description has been deftly inserted, and it doesn't come off infodumpy or too clunky with description. Information is provided, on the basis that Liesel doesn't know what Rosa (Mama) is talking about. Plus, Rosa's characterization is pitch-perfect.

You see? =] Conversations will help your writing greatly. They're a good tool, so use them.

Also, you have a tendency for beige prose. It's not good to go like this:

The cornucopia of colors pouring forth from the incandescent, translucent crystal painted every inch of their skin in swift but precise strokes akin to those of a master painter.

That's about as purple as I can get it to be. :/ You avoid this, so good. However, you avoid it so much you run to the other end of the spectrum and your prose turns incredibly bland. ._. Writing is all about balance - characterization vs description, antagonist vs protagonist, action vs reaction. Don't run too far to either side. =]

On another note, a good way to show and not tell is to cut out adjectives. I don't believe I've tackled what show and tell is exactly, so I'll try to present it here as clearly as possible by using Chekhov's example.

The moon is shining.

That's telling.

Broken glass on the floor glittered in the moonlight.

That's showing.

=] If you need more help, just ask me, okay? I'll explain further.

Your characters have a tendency to be incredibly flat, but if you turn this into a total fairy tale, that'll be forgivable. This is stuck in limbo, not quite a fairy tale but more an outline than a story. If you want this to be a usual story, then more details are needed. If you want this to be a true fairy tale, read more fairy tales, get a feel for how they work, and then rewrite this.

Hope I helped! =D If you ever need anything, just PM me, all right?

Sincerely,

Octave