Young Writers Society

Hi guys, this is the prologue of the story I'm currently writing. I'd like to know what you think about it and if it triggers you to wanna read more (Now edited)

We were sitting on the bridge with our legs hanging freely while our feet were dancing on the surface of the water. There we sat until one of us arose and took the other ones hand to help them up on their feet. We stood there hand in hand and just admired the view until we finally dared to take the leap and fall down. We shivered when the cold embraced us and each took a deep breath and felt the chilly air fill our lungs. The moon had a red glowing shimmer tonight and the sky was painted black, lit up by a few million stars. The world was almost silent and a soft and quite breeze made tiny little waves on the surface. I took a short peak at the world around me, so dark yet so beautiful.
It was summer and the air was filled with a mist of new cut grass, flowers and warmth. I couldn’t see much of my surroundings but I could see the silhouettes of blooming trees, by-passing people, hear the voices of whispering people and the barks from a dog far, far away. Then I let my body sink deep enough so that my mouth, nose and eyes were covered with water and I heard nothing but my own heartbeat.
I opened my eyes, and it stung a little when the salty water met my eyes. At first I could see nothing, but slowly the contours of my other half dissolved. She had sunk much further than me and her wet cloths pulled her even further down, as did mine. Even at this distance her incredibly blue eyes were not to be missed, they seemed always to be shining with a light no other pair of eyes I’d seen owned and her long dark hair made a perfect contrast. I drifted closer towards her until my hands could meet hers, which she had stretched towards me.
Our palms seemed to be made to meet; they were like to pieces of a puzzle. The fact that we were each other’s opposite just made us fit better together. There were things on the surface that could make us “look” the same… we both had dark hair and pale skin and was of the smaller model but apart from that not much would give us much resemblance. On the outside the eyes were the biggest reason. Hers were big, gifted with long eye-lashes and her irises were oceanic blue while mine were smaller, more oval and were of the color of deepest, darkest black.
But what made me different not only from her, but from everybody, was that my eyes were ALL black. Not only my irises. But my eyes were also what separated me from everybody but her. She was the only one who dared to know me, the only one who couldn’t see, sense or did believe in my darkness.
That is why now, here under the water where are lungs are still, she doesn’t seem scared when my hands move from her palms to her wrists and why she doesn’t seem bothered when my grip harden, why she keep smiling at me while we sunk further down the ocean…

Hi. OK this could be a start to something great, but it needs some work. I'm not exactly sure what's happening here with the water. How are they dancing on it, and then sinking into it? I'm not very good at proof reading, but I'll do my best.

¶Our feet were dancing on the surface of the water until we finally dared to take the leap and fully fall down. We shivered when the cold embraced us and each took a deep breath as the chilly night air filled our lungs. The moon had a red glowing shimmer tonight and the sky was painted black, lit up only by a few million stars. The world was almost silent and a soft and quite breeze made tiny little waves on the surface. I took a short peak at the world around me, so dark yet so beautiful.
¶It was summer and the air was filled with a mist of new cut grass, flowers and warmth. I couldn’t see much of my surroundings but I could see the silhouettes of blooming trees and by-passing people and hear the voices of whispering people and the barks from a dog far, far away. Then I let my body sink deep enough so that my mouth, nose and eyes were covered with water and I heard nothing but my own heartbeat.
¶I opened my eyes, and it stung a little when the salty water met my eyes. At first I could see nothing, but slowly the contours of my other half dissolved. She had sunk much further than me and her wet cloths pulled her even further down, as did mine. Even at this distance her incredibly blue eyes were not to be missed, they seemed always to be shining with a light no other pair of eyes I’d seen owned and her long dark hair made a perfect contrast. I drifted closer towards her until my hands could meet hers, which she had stretched towards me.
¶Our palms seemed to be made to meet, and our fingers reached just as far(¿not sure what that means?). We were the exact same length me and my sister (my sister and I), my twin. Not the slightest bit of an (I'd leave that out) inch separated us. Apart from our length, dark hair and pale skin, not much would hint we were related. The eyes were the biggest reason. Hers were big, gifted with long eye-lashes and her irises were oceanic blue while mine were smaller, more oval and mine (don't need to say mine again) were of the color of deepest, darkest black.
¶But what made me different not only from her, but from everybody, was that mine (my eyes) were ALL black. Not only my irises, and that was what made me separated from everybody but her. She was the only one who dared to know me, the only one who couldn’t see, sense or believe in my darkness. That is why she didn’t seem scared when my hands moved from her palms to her wrists and why she didn’t seem bothered when my grip hardened, why she kept smiling at me while we sunk further down into the ocean…

Not sure if the ¶ are in the right place,you might need more or less of them. You also tend to repeat certain phrases in sentences, and it makes the reading awkward. Like using and too many times or she didn't for example. Like I told you before not very good at the whole proof reading, so you're welcome to ignore me.
With a little revision I think this could be a great story, good luck and have fun!!

Thank you very much for the review. It was really helpful actually xD

We were sitting on the bridge, our legs hanging freely over the edge while our feet were dancing on the surface of the water. There we sat until one of us arose and took the other’s hand to help them up on their feet. We stood there, hand in hand, and just admired the view until we finally dared to take the leap and fall down. We shivered when the cold embraced us and each took a deep breath and felt the chilly air fill our lungs. The moon had a red, glowing shimmer tonight and the sky was painted black, lit up by a few million stars. The world was almost silent and a soft and quiet breeze made tiny little waves on the surface. I took a short peek at the world around me, so dark yet so beautiful.

It was summer and the air was filled with a mist of fresh cut grass, flowers and warmth. I couldn’t see much of my surroundings, but I could see the silhouettes of blooming trees and people passing by. I could hear the voices of whispering people and the barks from a dog far, far away. Then I let my body sink deep enough so that my mouth, nose and eyes were covered with water and I heard nothing but my own heartbeat.

I opened my eyes, and it stung a little when the salty water met my eyes. At first I could see nothing, but slowly the contours of my other half dissolved. She had sunk much further than me and her wet clothes pulled her even further down, as did mine. Even at this distance, her incredibly blue eyes were not to be missed; they seemed always to be shining with a light no other pair of eyes I’d seen and her long dark hair made a perfect contrast against them. I drifted closer towards her until my hands met hers, which she had stretched towards me.

Our palms seemed made to meet; they were like to pieces of a puzzle. The fact that we were each other’s opposite just made us fit better together. There were things on the surface that could make us “look” the same− we both had dark hair and pale skin and was of the smaller model−but apart from that not much would give us much resemblance. On the outside the eyes were the biggest reason. Hers were big, gifted with long eyelashes and her irises were oceanic blue while mine were smaller, more oval and were of the color of deepest, darkest black.

But what made me different, not only from her, but from everybody, was that my eyes were ALL black. Not only my irises. Nevertheless sounds better to me and cuts out another but, my eyes were also what separated me from everybody but her. She was the only one who dared to know me, the only one who couldn’t see, sense or believed in my darkness.

That is why now, here under the water where our lungs are still, she doesn’t seem scared when my hands move from her palms to her wrists and why she doesn’t seem bothered when my grip harden, why she keep smiling at me while we sunk further down the ocean… If they are on a bridge, how are they falling into the ocean?

Okay so other than the spelling, comma, sentence structure issues, you tend to use “and” a lot. It makes the story a little stilted because it’s like “and then this happened, and this, and this etc.” It slows the story down a lot (for me at least). Other than that, it was a good story and I want to know more about it. Why is the character evil or not? Who are they and generally what’s going on? You leave the reader a little confused and wanting more, which makes this a good start for a story. Keep up the good work!

Hi there!

This is my first review so I'm going to try my best to review fairly and not be too critical of your work.

We were sitting on the bridge with our legs hanging freely ,while our feet were dancing on the surface of the water. We stood there hand in hand and just admired the view until we finally dared to take the leap and fall down. We shivered when the cold embraced us and each took a deep breath and felt the chilly air fill our lungs. The moon had a red glowing shimmer (supposed to use a comma to seperate each thought) tonight and the sky was painted black, lit up by a few million stars. The world was almost silent and a soft and quite breeze made tiny little waves on the surface. I took a short peak at the world around me, so dark yet so beautiful.
(Is it summer to begin with or was it another type of season?)

It was summer and the air was filled with a mist of new cut grass, flowers and warmth. I couldn’t see much of my surroundings but I could see the silhouettes of blooming trees, by-passing people, hearing the voices of whispering people and the barks from a dog far, far away. Then I let my body sink deep enough so that my mouth, nose and eyes were covered with water and I heard nothing but my own heartbeat.

I opened my eyes, and it stung a little when the salty water met my eyes. At first I could see nothing, but slowly the contours of my other half dissolved. She had sunk much further than me and her wet cloths pulled her even further down, as did mine. Even at this distance her incredibly blue eyes were not to be missed, they seemed always to be shining with a light no other pair of eyes I’d seen owned and her long dark hair made a perfect contrast. I drifted closer towards her until my hands could meet hers, which she had stretched towards me.

Our palms seemed to be made to meet; they were like to pieces of a puzzle. The fact that we were each other’s opposite just made us fit better together. There were things on the surface that could make us “look” the same… we both had dark hair and pale skin and was of the smaller model but apart from that not much would give us much resemblance. On the outside the eyes were the biggest reason. Hers were big, gifted with long eye-lashes and her irises were oceanic blue while mine were smaller, more oval and were of the color of deepest, darkest black.

But what made me different not only from her, but from everybody, was that my eyes were ALL black. Not only my irises. But my eyes were also what separated me from everybody but her. She was the only one who dared to know me, the only one who couldn’t see, sense or did believe in my darkness.

That is why now, here under the water where are lungs are still, she doesn’t seem scared when my hands move from her palms to her wrists and why she doesn’t seem bothered when my grip harden, why she keep smiling at me while we sunk further down the ocean…

I proofread what I could (In college and trying to listen to my professor). The errors I did highlight are in red. Maybe it's the way I would phrase it but then again maybe not. I did see an excessive amount of "ands" in the short story. I truely think that this short story has potential (besides the grammar errors as well as the punctuation marks that you seem not to place.

What caused her to sink? Why was she smiling at you when you kept receeding to the ocean floor?

I hope I wasn't too bad at reviewing.

Happy Writing!

~DigiDestined18

Thankyou so much for the reviews.

DigiDestined18 - Her cloths made her sink but he did too... but the rest of your questions is what I plan to relief in the rest of the story. This is just the preface... it's supposed to create questions

Thanxx! // Demoness