Young Writers Society

"Logan come on! Let's go see dad!" I woke up with a start. My sisters voice still rang in my head.She had to be somewhere near here. The lab was located in the cave underneath me but no-one was there. I heard a growl from the back of the cave. A Grey wolf walked out lips drawn back in a snarl. I backed up. The wolfs eyes were focused on something behind me. I slowly turned and saw the man that took my family."Slash." I Said slowly.
"Ah, Logan,so are you looking for your sister?" He asked. I looked behind me and the wolf was gone. "And my father." I said stepping forward. "Your father is with your mother.Dead.We killed him this morning." He said with a smile.I held back the sob that rose in my chest. "Where is my sister?" I asked as I stepped towards him.he stepped back. "You'll have to find her yourself. Thats the good thing about bieng in the middle.you get the senses but your not immortal yet." He growled the last part then disapeared.
There was a scream outside the cave. It was Stephanie's. "Steph!" I yelled running out. She was hanging on the edge of the cliff and wolves were underneath her. "Grab my hand!" I said reaching down to her." I can't! If I let go I'll fall!" She yelled back up at me. "I won't let you fall!" I said grabbng at her wrist.A rock slid from under her hand and she started to scream. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her up. "You know, for bieng a 16 year old girl you're really light, ya know that?" I said when she was on solid ground. "Yeah well,I've lost alot of weight." She said.I looked her over. She had cuts on both arms and both legs.her hair was a mess, and her usually dancing green eyes were dull. "You'de think that if we were really turning into some stupid immortal that we wouldn't get hurt." She huffed as she stood up. "I know huh?" I said helping her up. "Dad is dead." She whispered. Tears started to stream down her face. "I know." I said hugging her. "Come on we have to go before they catch us." I murmured.
" Logan I just want you to know your'e really great brother. But you're really stupid." She said laughing. Her shape started to shimmer. "Oh my god that wasn't her. A picture of her in a cell Turned up then a mans voice, "She will be dead by midnight if you don't give us what we want. And you know what we want." It growled and I got jerked back into the cave. 'What the?!" I said and struggled against the persons grasp

Howdy there!

Just a few nitpicks.

One thing I will say is, it is all one big paragraph, that is a lot to take for the readers so I would suggest breaking it up into paragraphs it makes it easier to read!

I just researched it because I am cool like that but I think you mean Let's instead of lets, as Let's imply's performing an action which is what you are intending.

"Logan come on! Lets go see dad!"

You need a space between the two sentences.

I woke up with a start.My sisters voice still rang in my head.

I think you mean 'were'.

The wolfs eyes where focused on something behind me.

Again the space between the sentences, and after 'Dead' I think you need a full stop.

"Your father is with your mother.Dead, We killed him this morning."

Here you need a question mark at the end.

"Where is my sister."

'He' needs a capital letter.

I asked as i stepped towards him.he stepped back.

I think you mean 'That's', you spelt being wrong and after the first sentence there needs to be a space and 'you' needs a capital letter.

Thats the good thing about bieng in the middle.you get the senses but your not immortal yet."

I'm going stop nitpicking now I could keep going on. To be honest you need to check through what you have written!

Other than that well done!

I really liked this. The last reviewer told you all the little mistakes I found. Other than those few this was really good! It definately has potential. I really liked how you had him hold her then she disappears. To me it added a whole different mystery. I was like "Woah dude what kind of immortal are they!!". *Laughs* You have talent and my advice is just to proff read it a few more times and get those dang little mistakes. Anyways, I really liked this story. Can't wait to see more of your work! Awesome job
Wicked <3

"You'de think that if we were really turning into some stupid immortal that we ouldn't get hurt."
^ you'd ^ take out into some stupid ^ wouldn't

cant wait for more of your story!!!!!

Okay I get it.I made alot of mistakes. I'm only 12 and I had to hurry and write it before my mom saw it. She doesn't know I right. So I'm sorry for my mistakes.I try.

I mean she doesn't know I write. Not right. Sorry again

Well, this was definately interesting! It was fast paced, with just enough information to keep me wanting to know more and left me wondering what it's all about. Very captivating!

I could go over grammar errors and things, but it looks like someone else mostly did. The only other things besides that I noticed was a little lack of descriptions, or character personality. Also the last paragraph...

" Logan I just want you to know your'e really great brother. But you're really stupid." She said laughing. Her shape started to shimmer. "Oh my god that wasn't her. A picture of her in a cell Turned up then a mans voice, "She will be dead by midnight if you don't give us what we want. And you know what we want." It said in a sinical voice.

Suddenly I'm not sure what's going on. A picture of his sister turned up. Turned up where? Also, I think it would end better just with the man saying "And you know what we want." without adding the extra in a sinical voice. Although it's good that you're describing the voice, maybe you could put it in somewhere before he speaks. But those are just my thoughts.

Overall, good job and keep at it!

<..> Kat