Young Writers Society

CHAPTER ONE.

"Hey Ally, You dont mind closing up tonight do yeah?" Do I mind? Yes. Will I? Yes. I lightly smiled "No of course not Mr. Knott" "Thanks!" And before i could even anwser he was gone. I finished up the dishes, turned off all the lights and locked the doors behind me. I didnt mind walking home at night, It was always quiet and warm out, But if i had known that my whole life would be changed that night, I might have just called my mother for a ride. I walked my usual way, Up main street, Down the dirt road and up the big hill, Next was Whispering Willows Forest, I never had a problem walking through there but as i did that night i could feel someone or something watching me, My blood was beginning to boil and my breathing grew deeper. I kept telling my self there was nothing there and to stop being childish but when a twig snapped behind me i begain to run, faster and faster, Until i tripped on my shoe laces and collapsed to the ground, My mother always said to check them before i left the restraunt, incase i ever needed to run but i always took it as a suggestion. Boy do I regret it now, I tried to scamble to my feet but i stopped when i saw him, He looked like an angel but i knew he wasnt, "Ally Rose?" I sat back, Shaking with fear and slowly nodded my head. A man, Stood before me, His blue eyes were glowing brighter then the moon, And his short whitey\blonde hair fell just above his eyes, "Come with me" At first i was speechless, But i knew i had to anwser him. Taking a deep breath i shook my head and whispered "No" He rubbed his forehead "They had to send me, I dont care for mortals at all, Espcially mortals like you" I frowned and wiped the sweat off my forehead, "Listen i dont have...." And before i could finish my sentence he grabbed my arm and threw me over his shoulder, I kicked and screamed for a bit but finally gave up when i realized, No one could hear me. He ran deeper and deeper into the forest, Where he was taking me i didnt know, and why? I wish i knew. After running for along time he stopped by a lake, "We will stop here for you to sleep, If you try to run, I will find you and i will kill you. I was so confused and mislead, What did he want with me, where was he taking me? Who had sent him? And why on earth was he calling me a mortal, He was not no differnt, or was he? I sat on one of the large flatt rocks that sat by the small lake, I didnt care to be around him and he didnt care to be around me. I begain to throw rocks into the lake for some kind of entertainment when his voice startled me "Dont, You will upset the water gods" Water gods? was he insane? I turned my head slightly towards him and gave a small laugh "The only thing i might upset is the fish" I went to throw another one when he grabbed my hand knocking the rock out of it "Dont" he said again, I stood up and walked away to another rock. I layed down apoun it, It was cold and clamy but i needed rest.

hi there! you joined THIS MORNING? welcome! I know you'll love it here on YWS - I know I do xD

since you are brand-spanking new and shiny, you're probably feeling a load of complex emotions, including nervousness, excitement, overwhelmed-ness... The excitement one probably most likely, which is why you wanted to show off your work straightaway. Fantastic! We all love to read other people's work, so now you've posted try to do a couple/a few reviews of other people's pieces so everyone gets some love ... you probably feel a bit awkward, critiquing people who have been on here longer, and who might well be older than you, but don't worry - as long as you're friendly, honest and do constructive criticisms, say it!

OK, your piece. WHOAH! That is one huge paragraph. My poor, tired brain. Could you split it up into lots of smaller paragraphs so I can cope? if you're unsure where, start a new paragraph whenever someone new says something, even if it's just for one line.

While you're at it, you probably want to put some more punctuation in, like here:

Will I? Yes. I lightly smiled "No of course not Mr. Knott"

You need a full stop/period after "smiled" and "Knott"

Once you've done that, set me a PM (message) or write on my profile and I'll give it a closer read-through - or even if you have a question about the site, or what flavour muffin I would recommend. Nice to meet you

~*cottonrulz*~

Hello, I'm Masque. Firstly, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy the site.

Alright, your writing itself isn't bad. You have a fairly good grasp over use of the English language. However, your grammer really needs some work. I almost didn't read it because I opened it up and saw one massive paragraph. You need a new paragraph whenever someone else talks and when the subject changes. Then, you didn't capitalize all your "I"s and capitalized random words that shouldn't be capitalized. I would also work on comma placement. This really is pulling down your writing!

That aside, this was actually a pretty interesting story. I particularly liked the beginning. After the guy kidnaps her, though, it seemed like you were rushing through the rest of it. I would go back and flesh it out some more.

I gather that this is a first chapter, but you posted it under short stories. It's easier to organize your novels if you post them as a novel.

I don't have a lot to say except, please fix the grammer! This could be good!