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Imaginary story



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Sat Jun 11, 2011 12:23 am
alabasterwolveness says...



I pad through the dead lithosphere; my alabaster pelt shines in the gleaming sun. I pad along, slowly getting into the lush, rich part of the forest. My sleek banner sways to and fro as my apex scans the terra to find any sign of my long lost brother, shay. As my auds move forward and back, I catch a sound that seems unpleasant. I lick my pearl ivories and dash into the forest. My talons dig into the terra as I run.

I come up to a young wolf, but not my brother, which sadden me. The young wolf was being cornered by two hounds. I get my frame down on the terra when an eagle and two wolves attack the two hounds. Both wolves take down the hounds, slamming them into the terra as the eagle grabs the young wolf by the nape, carrying it off.

I crouch there, shocked when I see a third hound sneaking up behind the wolves. I get ready and jump over the two wolves. They jump to the side, only realizing that I was attacking another hound that managed to sneak up behind them. I slam my frame into the hounds back bone, sinking my ivories into his jugular. I tighten my grip, choking it to death. The other wolves walk over, looking at me.

“Come with us,” the black wolf says as he turns his frame and pads off into the lush lithosphere. The tan wolf and I quickly follow him; we come upon a glimmering lake. The eagle and the wolf sit together, talking and laughing. The pup bows to the wolves and dash off into the woods. The eagle and two wolves turn into their human forms; the girl walks over and thumps me in the forehead. I turn back into my human form, as we both look at each other.

“You’re just like us, that’s nice,” the girl says as she sits down on the terra. I nod, sitting down as well. My gold orbs watching their every movement.

“We just wanted to know if you were or not, but I have a question for you. Why are you alone?” the blonde boy asks.
“I’m looking for my long lost brother, he was taken from me when we were little,” I mumble. I begin to remember that unfaithful day.

It was the beginning of October. Leaves were turning a flaring red, burnt orange and a deep brown as they were blown across lawns by the icy wind. Everyone was inside, chatting and playing board games. Then he busted through the door, his long talons were curled at the end to a point. His ivories stained with the blood of my mother. He killed everyone that day, except me and my brother. He marked us, mine was of a wolf and my brothers was of an eagle. This mark is a way we could find each other but also a way for him to know what we think.

“Hello? Girl!” the girl says, flicking my forehead once more.

“Huh? I’m sorry,” I mumble.

“I’m Linalee and the blonde is Sam and the brunette is Zeek,” Linalee says.

“Hello, my name is Robbin. I should get going, it’s been 14 years since I have seen my brother,” I say as I stand up.
“I’ll help you, sounds like a fun adventure and I have nothing else left to do,” Zeek says as he stands up next to me.

“As well as us!” Linalee and Sam both shout as they stand up as well. I nod, we all going into the woods. We begin to come upon a cave that grew dark the more you look into it. We go into the dark cave, Zeek staying close to me. I blush a little as we walk. We walk for miles on end, the cave still dark, but our eyes light the way for us. We walk, soon finding a glimpse of light. The more we walk to it we begin to hear the sounds of water.

We come into the new world; the sky was as blue as the deep ocean. The waterfall rushes over a great cliff, coming down into the deep, sharp rocks below. The back scene was filled with mountains. I grow angry, knowing who lives here.

“Wow this is beautiful,” Linalee says.

“This is where the man who killed my family lives, and my brother is prisoner here,” I growl deeply. Zeek looks at me, wondering if it was ok to comfort me.

Then they appear. Demons of all kinds, snarling and growling deeply. Their eyes are blood red, the stare was hungry. I narrow my orbs, and transform into my wolf form, the others doing the same. A demon attacks Linalee, almost breaking her wings. I snarl loudly and tackle the demon, clamping my ivories on his jugular. Instantly killing the demon. We fight on and on, the sun almost set as we finish with the last of the demons. Our breathe hard and rough, tired from fighting for so long. I was bloodier then the others, I lick my muzzle.

“Wow Robbin, you’re a natural! I can’t fight like this for long,” Sam says as he looks at me in amazement.
“I've been able to fight like this ever since I was born. This is the curse of my family,” I mumble as I go to the rushing river nearby. I wash off my pelt and muzzle, the blood flowing into the water. Zeek walks over, noticing I’m looking down into the dark torrents of the water. He nuzzles me in the nape and licks my cheek.

“Don’t worry, we will help you find your brother and get you both out of here,” Zeek says. I nod, licking him back, blushing a bit. We continue through the woods, killing any demon that dared to attack us till we finally reach the castle my brother was held at. My anger grows as we get closer; we open the doors to find that we are faced with many halls. We look down each hall, and then I hear it. My brother’s distant heartbeat. I turn and dash down that hall,

“Robbin wait for us!” Linalee yells as she follows me. I keep running, my brothers breathing and heartbeat growing faint. I slam through the door, and jump up onto the bed were Shay lays.

“Brother!” I yell as I hug him tightly.

“R-robbin, what are you doing here?” Shay croaks.

“I couldn’t stand that you were suffering like this, I had to come and get you!” I say as I hold on tight. Linalee, Sam, and Zeek come into the room, watching me and Shay hug.

“This is Linalee, Sam, and Zeek. They helped me get here,” I say as I walk over and stand next to Zeek.

“Thank you for helping my sister, I know she is sometimes a hand full,” Shay says as he watches them.

“It was an honor protecting Robbin, and I’m glad I got to meet someone like her,” Zeek says as he bends down and kisses me. I blush deeply, and kiss back. Shay, Linalee, and Sam smile as we kiss.

“Lets get you guys out of here,” Sam says.

From that day on; Robbin, Shay, Linalee, Sam, and Zeek all staid together as a group. Robbin and Zeek began dating, and Shay was dating Linalee. We all lived for the rest of our lives, never apart from each other.
Last edited by alabasterwolveness on Sun Jun 12, 2011 7:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.
~Lady Death~
Down in the dark, alone at night. Bleeding and Torn... Broken in the light
  





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Sat Jun 11, 2011 3:23 pm
ire123 says...



i really enjoyed reading your short story.i think you used vivid details and at no point in the story t was vague to me.i also noticed how well the vocabulary was and the choice of words you used.overall i really liked your story and think that there is nothing that should be changed at all...i dont if theyll be a second part of this but i hope so.
  





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Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:47 pm
SishBee says...



Hi!

I really liked the concept behind this story and you used the short story technique very well.

Couple of pointers: when you are writing numbers, you should write them as letters. For example 2 would be two. Equally, 3rd would be third.

Also,
The pup bows to the wolves and dash off into the woods.
should be "dashes"

The writing technique you were using, a sort of 1st person present, is very difficult to pull off and I thought you did so very well. You never lost your thread with it and apart from that one small edit, your grammar was perfect.

I really enjoyed this, so keep it up!

Sish
"We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde
  





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Sun Jun 12, 2011 7:43 am
MamaLama95 says...



I think it's a great idea for a story; however, I'm going to be picky.
Your use of grammar and spelling at times is a little off-putting and it can disturb the flow a little bit. Especially in the first several paragraphs, it's very rigid and stop and start. I think if you used more punctuation and proofread it before posting it, it would be much better.

Wonderful concept though, and I think you have the ability to develop it really well.
Being children of a cruel reality, we fall prey to the greater powers.
To envy.
To madness.
Betrayal.
Love.
And yet without these things, we cannot remain human. Without these things, we are nothing.
But it is the greatest sacrifice. To envy. To be mad. To betray. To love.
To be human.
  





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Sun Jun 12, 2011 7:14 pm
FloralTiara says...



This is a great story, and your descriptions are interesting to say the least.
There are a few little things that I noticed though that are very easy to fix. First, when you use the numbers 1-10 I believe, you are supposed to write them out, and anything after, you can put as like 24th or 23rd, for example. Since you use 3rd, you should have third.
Another little thing was this sentence: "

“I can fight like this since I was born, this is a curse"
I just found it a little awkward. It probably should be something like "I've been able to fight like this ever since I was born..." Or something along those lines.
Other than the few little things, it was pretty good and I enjoyed reading it.
  





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Mon Jun 13, 2011 7:41 pm
Redneck says...



Overall, it was a good story, though I have a few nitpicks. Your sentences can be a bit short and choppy, I think you should try to make them flow together better and perhaps provide more of a flow of things to it. Also, I really, really, really hate wolfspeak. Calling the ground 'terra', the wolf's teeth 'ivories' and so on is just silly sounding. I don't mean to be offensive, but I think more people would enjoy your writing if you used more...universal terms for things such as ears, eyes, etc.

You don't really need to JUST use the exact names of things, feel free to switch it up a bit or just not listen to me at all xD Either way, it was fairly well written (despite the few things I mentioned) and you managed to leave me wanting more! Good job.
  








"And what is the use of a book," thought Alice, "without pictures or conversations?"
— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland