Young Writers Society

“It’s a form of tonic immobility,” Carson said, running his hand through his hair. “This occurs in small animals, they feign dead so that the predator will not harm them, but, it appears that in your case, they are making it happen,” he said, his brow furrowed nervously as he stroked his hairy chin. Specks of dust curled about the room, a ray of warm Arizona sunlight filtered through the window. Carson shifted his glasses to the bridge of his nose.
“So what you’re saying is, they’re paralyzing me?” Blake asked, he felt his blood run cold. “But how? Are they psychic or something?” he asked, his eyes wide. Blake shifted from his spot on the bed next to Carson, closing the window. He looked to make sure the door was locked; he didn’t want his parents to hear him talking about the abductions. They still thought he was a nut. Blake rubbed his arm where the red marks were. Carson expected them to be spots where a syringe had pierced his flesh.
“No, I don’t believe that is possible,” Carson said. His voice rising as he got excited. “You say they were in like space suits, right?” he asked. “They must be afraid of disease, I’m still not sure how they are paralyzing you though,” he said, stroking his scruffy neck again. For Carson, this was a sign of mental stimulation. He always said he didn’t get enough of that when he was working as a biologist, he said the laws of nature were far too black and white. Now, he worked as a detective for Arizona Law Enforcement.
“Yeah, I couldn’t see their faces, they were wearing those masks that surgeons wear, and white suits,” Blake said, frowning. This just added to the fear factor, not knowing what he was up against. “Carson, I’m scared as hell, what is going on?” he asked panicked. “Do you think they are,” Blake couldn’t say it; he was far too scared, he felt his breathing rise. He took a puff from his inhaler, looking at the digital alarm clock on his desk. The numbers flashed red, they showed that the time was twelve, Blake knew that wasn’t right, and he knew what was happening. The light bulb began to flicker as Blake grew dizzy; he leaned back against a pillow. “Carson, can you feel it?” he asked, Carson was slouched against the tan wallpaper of Blake’s room.
“Oh God,” Blake said, he saw the lights again, he heard the humming again, he felt his body growing weak and numb, again. “Blake, I know that it’s scary, but try and stay awake!” Carson shouted, “Can you hear that? It’s like tinnitus!” Carson said, acting calm. He squeezed Blake’s leg and smiled. “Don’t worry bud! It’ll be okay!” he said, “Just breathe, that’s it, just breathe,” Carson said soothingly. Blake suffered from asthma since the age of six.
Blake gave out, he couldn’t remain awake, too much fear enveloped his body. His body was shivering and a cold sweat spread over the thirteen year old boy. Carson’s eyes widened as he felt his own breathing shift. It came in hoarse rasps as though he was breathing through a sac with a sore throat. He bit his tongue till it began to bleed. He felt as though he was about to vomit when he heard it. A tap, Carson jumped, his body shivered as he swore. They were trying to get to him, but why?


“What the fuck are you doing?” he screamed, fear pierced his tone of voice; he exhaled, inhaled, breathing rapidly. He could feel adrenaline hit his blood stream, his body shook violently. “Leave us alone!” He shouted, losing all sense of sanity. He gripped his nephew’s hand and charged for the door, he rammed through it, the hallway lights were flickering as well. The picture hanging on the wall was crooked, why hadn’t that happened last time? What had changed from Blake’s description?

“It’s a form of tonic immobility,” Carson said, running his hand through his hair. I'm always iffy on starting with dialog, and this one feels kind of flat, no offense. “This occurs in small animals; they feign dead so that the predator won't harm them, but, it appears that in your case, they are making it happen,” he said, his brow furrowed nervously as he stroked his hairy bearded? chin.

Specks of dust curled about the room; a ray of warm Arizona sunlight filtered through the window. Carson shifted his glasses to the bridge of his nose.

I broke the first paragraph cause it was too big.

“So what you’re saying is, they’re paralyzing me?” Blake asked. He felt his blood run cold. I'd rather you showed me some other way, a way that doesn't involve a cliché. “But how? Are they psychic or something?” he asked, his eyes wide. Blake shifted from his spot on the bed next to Carson, closing the window. I don't really get this sentence. He looked to make sure the door was locked; he didn’t want his parents to hear him talking about the abductions. The door being locked doesn't mean his parents won't hear him. Just FYI. They still thought he was a nut. Blake rubbed his arm where the red marks were. Carson expected them to be spots where a syringe had pierced his flesh. I understand what you're trying to say with this last sentence, but it's not coming across clearly enough. Revise.

“No, I don’t believe that is possible,” Carson said. Your dialog sounds stilted. His voice rose as he got excited. “You say they were inlike Given the eyeglasses and the conclusions, I'm guessing he's not a teenager, or if he is, he's supposed to be a smart one. If he is, then his speech pattern should say as much. space suits, right?” he asked. “They must be afraid of disease.[ That's a far leap. They might just need the space suits for some other reason./color] I’m still not sure how they are paralyzing you though,” he said, stroking his scruffy neck again. [color=#FF0000]Neck or beard? If it's his neck, then it's an odd habit. Plus, the word stroking makes it sound strange. For Carson, this was a sign of mental stimulation. Er. This sounds awkward. And has unfortunate implications. ^^" Change the word stimulation, please. He always said he didn’t get enough of that when he was working as a biologist; he said the laws of nature were far too black and white. o0 As far as I know, science is continually evolving. I'm not sure how it can be dull. He might be doing something wrong. Now, he worked as a detective for Arizona Law Enforcement. ..Mmmkay then.

“Yeah, I couldn’t see their faces; they were wearing those masks that surgeons wear, and white suits,” Blake said, frowning. Wait. I thought they were wearing space suits? This just added to the fear factor, not knowing what he was up against.

“Carson, I’m scared as hell; what is going on?” he asked, panicked. “Do you think they are,” Blake couldn’t say it; he was far too scared. He felt his breathing rise. He took a puff from his inhaler, looking at the digital alarm clock on his desk. The numbers flashed red; it [Never use twenty words where one would suffice.]was twelve. Blake knew that wasn’t right, and he knew what was happening. The light bulb began to flicker as Blake grew dizzy; he leaned back against a pillow. “Carson, can you feel it?” he asked, Carson was slouched against the tan wallpaper of Blake’s room.

“Oh God,” Blake said. He saw the lights again,he heard the humming again,he felt his body growing weak and numb, again.

“Blake, I know that it’s scary, but try and stay awake!” If someone new is speaking, it's a new paragraph. Carson shouted Kind of weird, because when you said he was slouching, I assumed he was either unconscious or was tired. So his sudden burst of energy seems to come out of nowhere., “Can you hear that? It’s like tinnitus!” Carson said, acting calm. So he's in on this? Otherwise, how would he know? He squeezed Blake’s leg and smiled. “Don’t worry bud! It’ll be okay! Just breathe, that’s it, just breathe,” Carson said soothingly. Blake suffered from asthma since the age of six. Exclamation points tend to cheapen words, in my opinion. Use them as sparingly as possible. If you can manage it, try not to use them at all.

Blake gave out. [In? I think you mean gave in.] He couldn’t remain awake; too much fear enveloped his body. He was shivering and a cold sweat spread over the thirteen year old boy. Carson’s eyes widened as he felt his own breathing shift. It came in hoarse rasps, as though he was breathing through a sac with a sore throat. He bit his tongue till it began to bleed. He felt Word repetition. as though he was about to vomit when he heard it. A tap - Carson jumped; his body shivered Word repetition. as he swore. They were trying to get to him, but why?



“What the fuck are you doing?” Very out of character. Up until now, Carson didn't strike me as the type of person who uses profanity. Your characterization must be consistent. he screamed. Fear pierced his tone of voice; he exhaled, inhaled, breathing rapidly. He could feel adrenaline hit his blood stream; his body shook violently. What is it with you and shaking?

“Leave us alone!” He shouted, losing all sense of sanity. I'm not sure if sanity is a sense. He gripped his nephew’s Waitwhat. No indication of this before. It feels like you just pulled it out of thin air. hand and charged for the door. He rammed through it. The hallway lights were flickering as well. The picture hanging on the wall was crooked; why hadn’t that happened last time? A scientist like him ought to believe in logic, really. Obviously it got crooked when he crashed through the door so hard the wall shook or something.What had changed from Blake’s description? I don't know. oo You tell me. I'm not too sure myself.

You don't know the difference between commas, semicolons, and periods. ^^" Please don't take it offensively, but it's the truth. I suggest you read up on commas, periods, and semicolons. When you use a comma, there must be a conjunction between the two independent clauses. Otherwise, you'll need to use a semicolon. A semicolon is used when you're connecting two related independent clauses that could stand as two separate sentences. A period separates, well, two independent clauses.

You'll also want to check out dialog punctuation, because you're a little iffy on that. Remember that every time someone says something, and it's not the same person who spoke in the beginning of the paragraph, it's time to hit enter and start a new paragraph.

Here are a handful articles from our very own knowledge base to help you brush up your grammar.

Uses of the Comma, by mikedb1492
Compound Sentences, by Musicaloo7311
[ur=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic44898.html]Punctuation Within Dialog, by Demeter[/url]
Run-on Sentences, by canislupis
Punctuation Marks, by RoseyUnicorn
Dialog Grammar, by Snoink

Next, let's go to your dialog in general. It's very stiff. It feels as if you're forcing it to go a certain direction. If you listen to other people talk, you'll realize that no one sounds exactly the same. Usually, when people talk, there's a lot of contractions, differences in speech patterns, etc. Listen to them talk and try to capture it as realistically as you can in your writing. However, don't do too much - if you watch a conversation and write it down exactly as it went, you'll see it turns out mostly like this:

"Hey, did you know about -?"

"Yeah, he's so ugh."

"I know. And do you know what he did with X? They were in the parking lot -"

"NO WAY."

Well, not always that shallow, but the general point is that most people don't get to finish their sentences because people always understand each other from body language. Communication is made of mostly body language, see. But the point is to capture the essence of the dialog - the emotions, the exchange of information, etc.

Here's another article on dialog, by beckiw this time: Writing Good Dialog

Next, I get what's generally going on, but it's a bit vague. I can deal with that, though. A bigger problem lies with your characterization, because your characters feel kind of bland. They act like robots, except for when you're trying to tell us how scared they are. In the beginning, there was a hint of characterization, with Carson and his glasses and Blake on his bed.

As you moved on, your characterization faltered and...well, let's say it kind of blurred together. You'll want to fix that. Also, make their fear more real by immersing us in it. I didn't really feel frightened for them, nor did I feel scared at all. I just felt a little meh. Work on emotion. Make me care, then rip them out from under me.

Your prose is a bit clunky, which might be why you weren't able to convey fear very well. oo" Maybe if you read through this aloud, you could pick out the clunky sentences. Clunky sentences are the ones that make you stumble, and pause for breath while you're reading them. If you can catch them, your prose will improve by a good few paces because your flow will be better.

I'd also like to note that you're one of the rare examples who does too much showing. You try so hard to avoid telling you show and don't tell anything - not even your character's thoughts. It's okay to tell every once in a while. The trick is to balance it so it doesn't veer too far into either side. ^^

Anyway, I hope this helped. <3 PM me if you have questions.

Sincerely,

Octave

So you got a pretty in depth grammar review and I'm awful at grammar so I'll just stick with other stuff. Sound good?

First, I like your Carson character. I don't like that he said: "You say they were in like space suits, right?" To me, Carson seemed older and very smart. I really don't think his character would like say like like that, like do you get what I like mean?

Also, you just kind threw this in there: "Blake suffered from asthma since the age of six." Why not add it in when he is talking and gets scared, taking a puff from his inhaler? That makes more sense to me. Adding that at the end of the paragraph really takes away from the action that's going on. I'm picturing the room shaking, things falling off shelves, bright lights-chaos basically. Then "a monotone factual sentence." I got sidetracked and pictured a little kid gasping for air.

Also, do you see this: "Blake gave out, he couldn’t remain awake, too much fear enveloped his body. His body was shivering and a cold sweat spread over the thirteen year old boy." That bolded, italicized part is a mondo distraction! It's too repetitive, too close together. See if you can reword.

So you said this was an excerpt and I'm very intrigued and want to read more. There isn't much going on in the writing world with aliens, it's all vampires and werewolves these days. The thing that seemed off to me was that Blake was unconscious and all this craziness was happening...and then Carson just up and runs out of the room. I"m assuming he dragged Blake's limp body with him? Then he stopped to notice a crooked picture? It seems like the crooked picture has some significance but I guess I won't know that until I read more.

Personally I don't have an issue with the starting with dialogue. I'm assuming this is just a piece of the story and not the beginning so it works for me.

Do let me know if you write more!
Thanks!

-RL