Young Writers Society

I looked as the two demigods knelt in front of me.
"So you what to use my Chariot?" I asked my daughter and her friend .

"Yes sir. This boy judges the power of Apollo, he says we are weak." She said glancing up before quickly looking back down.

"You know the story of my child Phaeton, is that correct?" I asked remembering him, he was a foolish boy. He woke up so many monsters!
" Yes sir" My daughter knelt lower.

"Boy!" I snapped. Instead of being frighted at being in the presence of a god he was simply playing with a piece of cloud.

"Is it true you doubt the power of the sun? The very thing that allows your exsitance, and keeps you warm?" I asked oddly liking the way he shivered and crouched down lower. Usually I was nice, but lately with them telling me "to much sun!" or "Its cold!" I had been going as crazy as Aeolus. He was insane because the gods where always telling him to change the weather and he was trying to please every one at once.
" N...No sir, I just said that I could beat her in a bow and arrow contest." He groaned.

"Rise. Both of you. I never thought a daughter of Apollo a god of light and the sun, truth and prophecy, medicine, healing, plague, music, poetry, and arts, could be so foolish. You heard the tale of Phaeton yet you ask me anyways?!" I said my voice growing louder on every bragging word.

"I'm sorry father" she said tears rolling down her face." I was carried away. It was stupid to ask for such a thing."
Regret slammed through me. For a god I felt pretty human right now. Stupid.

"Tell me your name." I said softly, kindly.

"Halcyon" She said softly tears still flowing.

"And yours?" I said turning to the boy.

"Stygian" he moaped. It fit him well.

"Stygian, Halcyon. Go now, leave my palace you don't know what your asking for. I thought back on the horrible day my son died. Yes he was foolish, but full of truth. It was this gift that killed him. He had to prove the truth.

"Yes...father." Halcyon said and smiled. I could tell, like Phaeton, she had he gift of truth.

"And you boy son of Aeolus you must be as crazy as your father, to think that you could beat a child of Apollo!" I said laughing.
They left as Aurora rose her blinds and let dawn seep through her windows. Now she could sleep.

"As you pass tell Lady Aurora good night" I whispered down to them as they walked away.

" And Halcyon." She turned .

" Sweet dreams daughter." I said smiling down on them.She knelt, then got on her pegasus. I watched as my daughter and her foolish friend rode away.
I felt ... proud. Not only because I saved another child that fate, but because I had such wise children. They disappered in to the rosy dawn.

"Be blessed by the gods my daughter." I whispered.

I thought about the gift of truth. I was a horrible yet wonderful gift to bestow. Yet it seemed I gave it out willingly.
The other gods told me I didn't keep well enough track of my children, not even knowing half of there names.
A god of truth, yes, but it seemed some times as if I was more stupid than the most foolish mortal.
I glanced around me. The same four seasons that met Phaeton when he came, were walking around and deciding if Summer was over and it was Autumns turn. I went back to go get my chariot. It was time to go pull it across before the humans notice something wrong.
As I flew I listened into the prayers directed to me. Some for sun, some for rain. I pushed these away and listened to one little voice. "Dear daddy, I don't know if this is how to talk to you, but in church they said if you pray your father can hear you. Daddy if you can hear me mommy and me need you really bad. Mommy's sad and she needs you. Amen, love Haden." It was another one of my children. "Haden." I whispered the name and made a silent promise to save him. To save all my children.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
MEANINGS
Stygian=Gloomy
Halcyon= Calm Peaceful

good..........................good

Okay, so I've got a couple of things that I want to point out. Red is grammar, purple is word choice, and blue is my commentary.

I looked as the two demigods knelt in front of me.

"So, you want to use my Chariot?" I asked my daughter and her friend .

"Yes sir. This boy judges the power of Apollo, he says we are weak." She said glancing up before quickly looking back down. To be honest, it doesn't sound like the boy is her friend if he says her family is weak.

"You know the story of my child Phaeton. Is that correct?" I asked, remembering him. He was a foolish boy . He woke up so many monsters! I personally don't care for exclamation points outside of dialogue, but it's up to you.

" Yes, sir." My daughter knelt lower.

"Boy!" I snapped. Instead of being frightened at being in the presence of a god, he was simply playing with a piece of cloud.

"Is it true you doubt the power of the Sun? Maybe capitalize the S? The very thing that allows your exsitance, and keeps you warm?" I asked, oddly liking the way my daughter shivered and crouched down lower Use 'my daughter' here again, because it's confusing that one minute you are talking about . Usually I was nice ,but lately with them telling me "to much sun!" or "Its cold!" I had been going as crazy as Aeolus.

" N...No sir, I just said that I could beat her in a bow and arrow contest," he groaned. Add something here about the boy being exasperated.

"Rise. Both of you. I never thought a daughter of Apollo, a god of light and the sun, truth and prophecy, medicine, healing, plague, music, poetry, arts and more. Could be so foolish. You heard the tale of Phaeton yet you ask me any ways?!" I said, my voice growing louder on every word.

"I'm sorry, father" she said, tears rolling down her face. Regret slammed through me. For a god I felt pretty human right now. Stupid. I'm a little confused as to wy he feels bad. Wasn't he thinking about how stupid they were?

"Tell me your name.," I said softly, kindly. Shouldn't he know her name? I mean, even if she is a demi-god, the god parent generally knows their name.

"Halcyon," she said softly, tears still flowing.

"And yours?" I said, turning to the boy.

"Stygian" he mopedd. It fit him well.

"Stygain, Halcyon. Go now, leave my palace. You don't know what you're asking for." I thought back on the horrible day my son died. Yes, he was foolish, but full of truth. It was this gift that killed him. He had to prove the truth.

"Yes...father," Halcayon said and smiled. I could tell , like Phaeton she had he gift of truth. Umm, how could he tell? We don't even know what the gift of truth is

"And you, boy, son of Aeolus, you must be as crazy as your father to think that you could beat a child of Apollo!" I said laughing.

They left as Aurora rose her blinds and let dawn seep through her windows. Now she could sleep.

"As you pass tell Lady Aurora good night" I whispered down to them as they walked away.
,
" And Halcyon." She turned .

" Sweet dreams daughter," I said smiling down on them.She knelt, then got on her pegasus. I watched as my daughter and her foolish friend rode away.

I felt ... proud. Not only because I saved another child that fate, but because I had such wise children. They disappered in to the rosy dawn. This doesn't make much sense. You should say 'a wise child' because Phaeton was clearly an idiot and the boy was the son of Aelous

"Be blessed by the gods, my daughter." I whispered.

Grammar:
Okay, so there were a lot of gramar problems. What I would do is go through reading this aloud to yourself so that you catch any mistakes with commas, ending punctuation, etc. That will make it easier.

Word Choice:
My only problem with your word choice was the word 'nice' that you had in there. 'Nice' is just average. Pick something better. All in all your word choice was fine for this piece.

Story:
Okay, so this was a good start. You definitely need to go back in here and fix it up a little though. We don't really know your characters at all and that makes it just slightly hard to read this propery. The two demigods especially. They don't really have that much personality. Second, we need to know more about the gift of truth. We have no idea what that is about. All in all though I would say that this piece has lots of potetntial! Keep working on it!

Cheers,
Luxe

Unoriginal idea. Lack of any meaningful plot/events. Characters had the depth of wet cardboard. No idea where you're going with this.

dasiamari wrote:=

I looked as the two demigods knelt in front of me.
"So you want to use my Chariot?" I asked my daughter and her friend .

"Yes sir. This boy judges the power of Apollo, he says that we are weak." She said glancing up before quickly looking back down.

"You know the story of my child Phaeton, correct?" I asked remembering him;he was a foolish boy . He woke up so many monsters! Would these really be the thoughts of an omnipotent deity?
" Yes sir" My daughter knelt lower.

"Boy!" I snapped. Instead of being frightened at being in the presence of a god, he was simply playing with a piece of cloud.

"Is it true that you doubt the power of the sun? The very thing that allows your existence, and keeps you warm?" I askedCOMMA oddly liking the way she shivered and crouched down lower. Usually I was nice ,but lately with them telling me "to much sun!" or "Its cold!" I had been going as crazy as Aeolus.This is confusing. He? She? I was under the impression that the only girl was the daughter, the only male was the friend. The sentence is structured in such a way that it is implied that the person being interrogated is the girl.
" N...No sir, I just said that I could beat her in a bow and arrow contest." He groaned.

"Rise. Both of you. I never thought a daughter of Apollo a god of light and the sun, truth and prophecy, medicine, healing, plague, music, poetry, arts and more, Could be so foolish. You heard the tale of Phaeton yet you ask me any ways?!" I said my voice growing louder on every word. It's unseemly for the god to brag that much, but it doesn't work as flat narcissism.

"I'm sorry fathercomma" she said tears rolling down her face. Regret slammed through me. For a god I felt pretty human right now. Stupid. "

"Tell me your name." I said softly, kindly.

"Halcyon" She said softly tears still flowing. So, wait.. This ENTIRE conversation has gone by, but the dad doesn't even know the daughters name yet???

"And yours?" I said turning to the boy.

"Stygian" he moaped. It fit him well.

"Stygain, Halcyon. Go now, leave my palace you don't know what your asking for. I thought back on the horrible day my son died. Yes he was foolish, but full of truth. It was this gift that killed him. He had to prove the truth.

"Yes...father." Halcayon said and smiled. I could tell , like Phaeton she had he gift of truth.

"And you boy son of Aeolus you must be as crazy as your father to think that you could beat a child of Apollo!" I said laughing.
They left as Aurora rose her blinds and let dawn seep through her windows. Now she could sleep.

"As you pass tell Lady Aurora good night" I whispered down to them as they walked away.

" And Halcyon" She turned .

" Sweet dreams daughter." I said smiling down on them.She knelt, then got on her pegasus. I watched as my daughter and her foolish friend rode away.
I felt ... proud. Not only because I saved another child that fate, but because I had such wise children. They disappered in to the rosy dawn.

"Be blessed by the gods, my daughter." I whispered.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
MEANINGS
Stygain=Gloomy
Halcyon= Calm Peaceful

Towards the end, i just couldn't do it anymore. You have potential, sweetie. I can see it lying underneath. But you're not even respecting yourself when you refuse to review for simple grammatical, syntax, and spelling errors prior to publishing a work.

Please note that I have removed the full caps from your title. All titles should be punctuated properly in the literary forums.

Thank you all for reviewing. But saying I had no respect for myself and that its unorignal and comparing my characters to wet cardboard is going WAY to far. I am insulted and they way some of you put it it makes it sound like thats what you were aiming to do

I looked as the two demigods knelt in front of me.

"So you what to use my Chariot?" I asked my daughter and her friend . <-- no space after before the period

"Yes sir. This boy judges the power of Apollo, he says we are weak." She said glancing up before quickly looking back down.

"You know the story of my child Phaeton, is that correct?" I asked remembering him, he was a foolish boy. He woke up so many monsters!

" Yes sir" My daughter knelt lower.

"Boy!" I snapped. Instead of being frighted at being in the presence of a god he was simply playing with a piece of cloud. You should indicate that he was looking at his daughter's friend.

"Is it true you doubt the power of the sun? The very thing that allows your exsitance, and keeps you warm?" I asked oddly liking the way he shivered and crouched down lower. Usually I was nice, but lately with them telling me "too much sun!" or "It's cold!" I had been going as crazy as Aeolus. He was insane because the gods where always telling him to change the weather and he was trying to please every one at once.

" N...No sir, I just said that I could beat her in a bow and arrow contest." He groaned.

"Rise. Both of you. I never thought a daughter of Apollo a god of light and the sun, truth and prophecy, medicine, healing, plague, music, poetry, and arts, could be so foolish. You heard the tale of Phaeton yet you ask me anyways?!" I said my voice growing louder on every bragging word.

"I'm sorry father" she said tears rolling down her face." I was carried away. It was stupid to ask for such a thing."

Regret slammed through me. For a god I felt pretty human right now. Stupid.

"Tell me your name." I said softly, kindly.

"Halcyon" She said softly tears still flowing.

"And yours?" I said turning to the boy.

"Stygian" he moaped. It fit him well.

"Stygian, Halcyon. Go now, leave my palace you don't know what your asking for. I thought back on the horrible day my son died. Yes he was foolish, but full of truth. It was this gift that killed him. He had to prove the truth.

"Yes...father." Halcyon said and smiled. I could tell, like Phaeton, she had he gift of truth.

"And you boy son of Aeolus you must be as crazy as your father, to think that you could beat a child of Apollo!" I said laughing.

They left as Aurora rose her blinds and let dawn seep through her windows. Now she could sleep.

"As you pass tell Lady Aurora good night" I whispered down to them as they walked away.

" And Halcyon." She turned .

" Sweet dreams daughter." I said smiling down on them. She knelt, then got on her pegasus. I watched as my daughter and her foolish friend rode away.

I felt ... proud. Not only because I saved another child that fate, but because I had such wise children. They disappered in to the rosy dawn.

"Be blessed by the gods my daughter." I whispered.

I thought about the gift of truth. I was a horrible yet wonderful gift to bestow. Yet it seemed I gave it out willingly.

The other gods told me I didn't keep well enough track of my children, not even knowing half of there names.

A god of truth, yes, but it seemed some times as if I was more stupid than the most foolish mortal.

I glanced around me. The same four seasons that met Phaeton when he came, were walking around and deciding if Summer was over and it was Autumns turn. I went back to go get my chariot. It was time to go pull it across before the humans notice something wrong.

As I flew I listened into the prayers directed to me. Some for sun, some for rain. I pushed these away and listened to one little voice. "Dear daddy, I don't know if this is how to talk to you, but in church they said if you pray your father can hear you. Daddy if you can hear me mommy and me need you really bad. Mommy's sad and she needs you. Amen, love Haden." It was another one of my children. "Haden." I whispered the name and made a silent promise to save him. To save all my children.

Okay well this is good. You had some good word choice and only a few grammar errors I could pick up, but I can't really see where the story is going. Is the story going to be a first chapter of Apollo going after all his children??? Or is this a one story thing. If it is a fist chapter then I would suggest to maybe add more to make it seem more complete. If this is a first chapter of a longer story I would do the same and add more detail and description and also add something so that there can be a plot for the story.

Also in places remember to show the reader not tell the reader.

PM me if you have any questions

-signed

lilgreendots