Young Writers Society

Hey everyone! I'm kind of nervous...this is the first piece I'm posting. But, I love criticism--don't be afraid to hurt my feelings! This is just something I made up really fast about an alien that has come to earth and the thoughts that run through his head. Sorry it's really short...Hope you enjoy.



As I lay there, swathed in the warm evening air, I wondered how these humans could fight. How they could terrorize one another? How they could torture another? How they could reap maddening violence to harm another being? How could they even consider these things when they lived in a place so wondrous?

It was my first time on Earth, and I had heard much of its beauty and strange characteristics. But I had also heard of the human’s ability for war. Our peaceful people would come here more often if they didn’t possess these warped hungers.
But all the same, I could feel a new passion for this planet arising within me. The way the lilies scent wafted through the air accompanied by the trickling sounds and smells of the creek. The way the frogs croaked a lonely melody and the way the fireflies lazily drifted above my head. The way the joyous crickets joined the dozens already singing and the way I seem to float on the soft unkempt grass. The way various species of trees reached for the heavens, or how the shrubs and flowers lived so blissfully abundant.

Laughter and music echoed faintly across the nearby river. In the distance I could see lantern’s welcoming glow reflecting from the water, see humans embracing each other or dancing together with delight.

Maybe they really held some radiance in their souls, innocence in their hearts.

Maybe I could stay with them. Maybe I could teach them. And maybe, just maybe…I could change those warped hungers and show them the light.

Hey there!

This paragraph bothered me a bit, as it's missing some questions marks.

Lollipopper wrote:As I lay there, swathed in the warm evening air, I wondered how these humans could fight. How they could terrorize one another? How they could torture another? How they could reap maddening violence to harm another being? How could they even consider these things when they lived in a place so wondrous?

Since you started the sentences with 'how' you have to put a questions mark at the end, since, you are asking a question, right?

So, I think that this story is a little bit shallow and isn't told in the depth that it could be told. The alien just briefly skimmed through the world. I think that there's a lot more depth to the world than what the alien has told us, especially nearing the end where the alien could start seeing the radiance in the human's soul, I felt as though that part is progressing a little too fast. I think you could really slow it down a bit. Show us more, show us how the humans progressed from being blood thirsty to loving.

Also, I think that you can expand on this piece, tell us why the alien came, where the alien come from and all of that. At the moment, it's just as collection of thoughts from an alien, as you've said, but I'd like to see it turn into a story, you've already got the complication: the horrible nature of humans and the solution: the alien. I think that you can turn this story into how a single alien could change how humans think or something like that. But that's just my thoughts.

So far with the story, you have good imagery going there and the sound of the alien's voice come through strong and clear. So, good job on that.

Okay thank you so much!
1. Yes, that sounds better.
2. Okay, I can definitely see why. This was something I wrote in 23 minutes flat because someone said I didn't ever write anything on here and it wasn't fair to others so...here I am with this! For now I'll leave it, but someday maybe I'll continue it.

Thank you again:)

--Lollipopper

I found it interesting, especially since when one sees aliens in a story they always seem to be destroying something. It's an interesting new perspective that humans are really the destructors. (Although you did tail off a bit when describing the 'radiance in their souls', I would have liked to hear a little more of that.

So the premise is definitely good enough to try to work. All in all if you wanted to try to turn this into a story in any way I'd give it two thumbs up! (And you threw this together in 23 minutes? Good job!)

Okay! Thank you so much!

Good job!
I could hear the alien's voice really clearly in my head and see everything you were describing.

But I can't help but say that there are so many other better things you could have described, although of course what you have is good!

I really think you should put some more stuff up for people to read, to be honest this has revealed very little about your abilities as a writer, especially since you say you wrote this in twenty-three minutes! I'm quite interested to see what you can really do!