Young Writers Society

she's trying to set you up on a date.

Something that hasn't been done yet

You want to get rid of her because she's trying to set you up on a date.

Once upon a time, in a far away land there lived an ugly queen and her beautiful step daughter. The queen’s step daughter was loved by everyone and was even in the running for the kingdom’s most intelligent princess award. This last bit is clever, in my opinion. Adds voice to an otherwise bland fairytale one. And the queen… Well… She was in the running for losing her crown to the princess and her fiancé. Hm. I thik I like this sentence too, but I'm not too sure. And for that reason, she wanted to-
“Excuse me!” Eep no. This is too contrived, and I've heard this before.

Y-yes? Who are you? Definitely heard of it before.

“Me?! I am that ugly queen you were going on about! And I don’t want to get rid of my step daughter because I’m in danger of losing my crown!” First, I don't think she'd refer to herself as ugly, especially not given the voice you gave her. An insecure person would not have the chutzpah to speak up and interrupt like that, and she's probably insecure if she thinks she's ugly. Next, the exclamation points kill it and cheapen the humor. Taking them out should help.

You… You don’t?

“No! I don’t have any grandiose reason I am fairly sure grandiose reason isn't right. And the part after that (the one after this comment) is awkward. Very awkward. such as that!”

Then, why do you want to get rid of her?

“Because the little wretch is trying to set me up! Ever since her father the king died from a heart attack, she’s been trying to set me up with any guy she meets that’s older than her!” Now THERE'S an interesting twist.

So... Let me get this straight. You don't want to get rid of her because you'll lose your crown when she marries. You want to get rid of her because she's trying to set up on a date.

"Precisely."

Okay.... How are you going to do it? A finger prick on a spinning wheel? A poisoned comb? Lock her away in some tower? Send her to New York? Poisoned apples?

"No! All of that is outdated! And poisoned apples? Really? Who does that anymore? That is so Snow White! No, I am going to do something far greater! Something that hasn't been done yet!"

Really? I thought you guys were supposed to follow the book...

"Pfft! Who told you that rubbish?! If you follow the book then it isn't any fun!"

Octave wrote:

Spoiler! :

I have a complicated love affair with fairytales, so when I saw the title, you might as well have held up a sign that said, "CALLING ALL OCTAVES." xD

Anyway, I'm here to review. =D

Once upon a time, in a far away land there lived an ugly queen and her beautiful step daughter. The queen’s step daughter was loved by everyone and was even in the running for the kingdom’s most intelligent princess award. This last bit is clever, in my opinion. Adds voice to an otherwise bland fairytale one. And the queen… Well… She was in the running for losing her crown to the princess and her fiancé. Hm. I thik I like this sentence too, but I'm not too sure. And for that reason, she wanted to-
“Excuse me!” Eep no. This is too contrived, and I've heard this before.

Y-yes? Who are you? Definitely heard of it before.

“Me?! I am that ugly queen you were going on about! And I don’t want to get rid of my step daughter because I’m in danger of losing my crown!” First, I don't think she'd refer to herself as ugly, especially not given the voice you gave her. An insecure person would not have the chutzpah to speak up and interrupt like that, and she's probably insecure if she thinks she's ugly. Next, the exclamation points kill it and cheapen the humor. Taking them out should help.

You… You don’t?

“No! I don’t have any grandiose reason I am fairly sure grandiose reason isn't right. And the part after that (the one after this comment) is awkward. Very awkward. such as that!”

Then, why do you want to get rid of her?

“Because the little wretch is trying to set me up! Ever since her father the king died from a heart attack, she’s been trying to set me up with any guy she meets that’s older than her!” Now THERE'S an interesting twist.

So... Let me get this straight. You don't want to get rid of her because you'll lose your crown when she marries. You want to get rid of her because she's trying to set up on a date.

"Precisely."

Okay.... How are you going to do it? A finger prick on a spinning wheel? A poisoned comb? Lock her away in some tower? Send her to New York? Poisoned apples?

"No! All of that is outdated! And poisoned apples? Really? Who does that anymore? That is so Snow White! No, I am going to do something far greater! Something that hasn't been done yet!"

Really? I thought you guys were supposed to follow the book...

"Pfft! Who told you that rubbish?! If you follow the book then it isn't any fun!"

Mmmkay. So you have a very good idea here about Snow White. Interesting remake, especially since it sounds upbeat and lively. It's like a Snow White version of Prada and Prejudice. Cheeky, chick-litty, and definitely fun. However, I have some problems with this.

First of all, I strongly feel you don't need this beginning. Or if you do, try not to make it feel so contrived. This will work in a movie, perhaps, or a short film, but it will not work in literary form. See, when we hear this in movies, the thing that makes it work is the voices - the way they sound and such. Here, the readers cannot hear anything, so they supply the words their own voices, and it sounds all awkward, you get me? Judging from the way you wrote this, you saw this scene in your head. And you heard it, and it sounded so funny. You're right. It is hilarious - if you can see and hear it. The readers are reading it.

I know. The readers are supposed to be immersed in the world. That's what we, as writers, *want* them to feel. Not what's really going on. Keep your eye on the stars and your feet rooted in reality. You want to immerse them, which is good, but you have to remember they're really just reading, and the words spinning a tale is just an illusion.

Next, there were inconsistencies about the ugly queen's characterization. I already mentioned them.

Your dialog also feels stiff here. It's as if you want to sound funny, so you stuff words into your character's mouths to sound funny. No, please no. I can see here you have potential, but you seem a little too excited and so you rushed and wrote it all down. I can understand why you're excited, but breathe. Breathe and look at it again. It doesn't sound as if they're really talking, and the narrator sounds like every other narrator I've heard.

It's a shame, because this idea is something I've never heard of before. You can do so much better. Hit this idea with your best shot. ;D I have a good feeling about it. Don't worry too much about sounding funny. The way the idea is, there's no doubt whatsoever that it /will/ come out somewhat humorous. =] Worrying about humor generally kills humor, to be honest, so try to let it flow naturally.

Anyway, there isn't much to crit here since it's obvious you haven't really begun the story, but please don't stop. Understand that I like the idea (love it, in fact), but that I think the humor would work better if it wasn't as in-your-face as it was in this scene. I'd like to read what happens next, and in fact, if you're turning it into a novel, I'd gladly follow and read it. ^^ Please PM me if you get around to writing the next bit of this.

Sincerely,

Octave

Thank you! ^^ And actually, I did realize the next day after posting this that it might work better as a script, which I plan on writing sometime soon [if I can ever get my friends over to help me out]. And what is posted here may or may not go into being an actual story, but either way is just a rough idea. Also, the idea for this came from watching Disney's Enchanted and the fact that almost every other fairytale one hears or watches a movie about, the villain almost always uses poison apples or regular poison to get rid of the main character. Again, I say thank you for the review and I hope my reply makes sense. I'm a writer but I have trouble getting my point across. ^^;