Young Writers Society

Well, here's my entry (edits are very welcome!)




One day in summer, Dagmar collected a pile of Orlagh’s garments from the washroom, a sultry place where the lower class servants worked throughout the day until their hands were chapped and florid. Dagmar prided herself on her small, soft ivory hands.

The clothes were light and Dagmar carried them quickly up four flights of stairs until she reached Orlagh’s rooms. She preferred to fold clothes in the quiet recesses of the faerie Queen’s chambers, and on the few occasions when the Queen was there she was locked in her room and didn’t seem to mind.

Dagmar opened the door quietly, so as not to disturb Orlagh if she happened to be in her sanctuary. She settled the pile on a silver chiffonier in one of the Queen’s outer chambers and set to work folding the clothing. The room was quiet; the only noises were the sounds of Dagmar breathing and the rustle of the caparisons.

“It is peaceful up here, is it not?” said an ethereal voice. Dagmar jumped. She had not noticed the beautiful woman standing in the doorway. She quickly dropped into a very deep curtsy. The Queen raised Dagmar up with gloved fingers.

Dagmar’s mother had been a maid for Orlagh. So was her grandmother, and so was her grandmother’s grandmother. In fact, Dagmar could not remember a female in the Farren clan who was not a servant to Orlagh. And Dagmar was three thousand years old, so that was saying something.

Of course, Dagmar’s family history gave her status in the palace. She was a senior servant, one of the few who were allowed to clean in Orlagh’s chambers. She had even met the Golden Queen a few times when she was sent by Orlagh’s nieces with messages for their aunt. At those times, Dagmar had trembled in her boots when she approached the monarch. Orlagh seemed kind enough, but she had a reputation for having a temper.

“Yes, Majesty,” said Dagmar quietly.

“What is your name?”

“Dagmar of Farren, Majesty.”

“Farren…did not an elder Farren serve us in the past?”

“Yes, Majesty, my mother, and her mother before her, Majesty.”

“How old are you, Dagmar?” asked the Queen thoughtfully.

“About three thousand years, Majesty,” replied Dagmar. She knew that the Queen would consider this young and hoped that she was not about to be demoted. The Queen appeared lost in thought for a moment.

Then: “Assist us, Dagmar, in disrobing.”

Dagmar was petrified. Almost numbly, she followed the Queen into her inner chamber and very carefully began to undo buttons. There were many buttons, and Dagmar tried to work quickly before the Queen became impatient. When she undid the last button the Queen stepped out of her gauzy dress. Dagmar undid the buttons on her undergarments and the Golden Queen took them off, leaving them to Dagmar to fold.

The Queen, Dagmar could not help noticing, was very beautiful undressed, even for an older Faerie. She picked up the nightdress made of some rich but light, silky material and slid it over the monarch’s head. Then there were more buttons to do up. Finally, the Queen was robed in her night garments. Dagmar curtsied again and waited to be dismissed.

“Dagmar?”

“Yes, Majesty?”

“Dagmar, we desire a personal servant, and we would like you to be her.”

Dagmar was taken aback. Tears welled up in her eyes. What her mother would have said had she been alive!

“Will you serve us, Dagmar?”

“Your wish is my command, Majesty,” said Dagmar, a tear falling into the folds of her dress, and knelt at her Queen’s feet. Orlagh raised her new servant to her feet.

“Here you are,” she said, and pressed a small object into Dagmar’s hand, “Now good’en,” she said, dismissing her. Dagmar made a curtsy and exited the room without turning her back on the Golden Queen.


Back in her room, Dagmar examined the small object given to her by the Queen. It was a small silver ring. Dagmar had seen this ring on the fingers of the Royal family and their closest servants. She looked closely at it and saw engraved in the inside the words: “Jʨʩʥʙʐ țȖȾɂʭʮ ʮʫȈțȫȠdzȯ.” which, roughly translated, meant “Friend of the Queen.” Smiling, Dagmar lay down on her hammock and fell into a deep, contented sleep.

Saw this in the new stuff, and I need points, you need reviews.
First off, I do it A LOT too so don't be worried, but what I'm talking about is the infamous info-dump. Basically your first few paragraphs are pure explaining, not tell (show don't tell is what you should do). Also use more visuals, descriptions are necesarry. Are there any lenghty hallways? portraits? exgravagent jewelry? what do the characters look like? Basically small stuff like this.

Dagmar’s mother had been a maid for Orlagh. So was her grandmother, and so was her grandmother’s grandmother. In fact, Dagmar could not remember a female in the Farren clan who was not a servant to Orlagh. And Dagmar was three thousand years old, so that was saying something.

try to combine your sentences like this ----->:Dagmar’s mother had been a maid for Orlagh, along with her grandmother, and her grandmother before her. In fact, Dagmar could not remember a female in the Farren clan who was not a servant to Orlagh,and Dagmar was three thousand years old, so that was saying something. <-----try to combine your sentences like that.

Alot of your paragraphs could also be joined together. Take for example

Today Dagmar collected a pile of Orlagh’s garments from the washroom, a sultry place where the lower class servants worked throughout the day until their hands were chapped and florid. Dagmar prided herself on her small, soft ivory hands.

The clothes were light and Dagmar carried them quickly up four flights of stairs until she reached Orlagh’s rooms. She preferred to fold clothes in the quiet recesses of the faerie Queen’s chambers, and on the few occasions when the Queen was there she was locked in her room and didn’t seem to mind.

this could be made into: Today Dagmar collected a pile of Orlagh's garments from the washroom, a sultry place where the lower class servants worked throughout the day until their hands were chapped and florid; Dagmar prided herself on her small, soft ivory hands. The clothes themselves were light and Dagmar was glad because she had to climb for flights of stairs to reach the Faerie Queen's(faerie should always be capitalized when used like this) chambers. She preferred to fold the clothes in the quiet recesses of the faerie Queen’s chambers, even on the few occasions when the Queen was there she was locked in her room and didn’t seem to mind.
Besides this I suggest you add more dialogue and pay attention to tense-change.

First of all good start. Like the reviewer above noted first two paragraphs feel too descriptive for the first few sentences of the story. You need to start with some action, something needs to be taking place. For example you can start with Dagmar walking up the stairs with the clothes and then going into the explanations/description of the character. That way it catches the reader's attention and incites him or her to read it. For the story try to use a more lyrical language; it would work especially well for this story since it involves royalty. Try to avoid starting the sentences with "so" "and" "in fact". Like the reviewer above mentioned try to combine some sentences and use more elaborate expressions. For example "At those times, Dagmar had trembled in her boots when she approached the monarch." While it is a perfectly good expression in speech and in some works it is not suited for this style of story and setting. Try changing it with something like "At those times, Dagmar trembled with fear when approaching the monarch." Another aspect I was confused about is that the Queen did not recognize one of only the few people who could enter the Queen's chambers and especially since she approached her with the messages at times. While it is reasonable that the Queen forgot Dagmar's name the meeting felt as if they met for the first time. The interaction of the Queen and Dagmar appears to be the central event of the story. However, the scene felt too short and limited. You should expand that scene and also include more body language of the characters. I do agree that verbal communication between Dagmar and the Queen should be limited; however, that means that there should have been a lot of body language involved. Try to express their emotions and thoughts through how they placed their hands, through motions of the body such as turning, trembling, shacking and such, also try to use words such as instinctively, unconsciously etc.
Other than that, the pacing of the story was nice and the plot is interesting. Hopefully,my comments and the comments of others will assist you in improving this story. Keep up the good work.

This is a very good story and i enjoy reading it. but there some things that you could do to make it read smoother. i noticed a lot of run on sentences. i would consider revising some of it. but other than that i really like it.