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Young Writers Society


Bleu Celeste - Part 2



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Gender: Female
Points: 12193
Reviews: 275
Wed Jun 01, 2011 6:19 pm
Calligraphy says...



Spoiler! :
Hi guys so this short story if for Azila's awesome contest Writer's Roulette

My genre is Romance. I cannot use any adverbs, and I have to have at least two flashbacks. While I wrote it I had the number three in my mind though so I have one more than needed.

I hope you enjoy! It is kind of long, 4,341 words, so I split it into two parts. The first part is a little bigger.


Marena blinked. It took her a second to realize where she was. She must have fallen asleep because the lights were back on now. The first thing she saw was that he was back again.

He was climbing up the side of the tank across from her. She stiffened as he reached the top. A blade glinted in the florescent lights. She bared her teeth. He ignored her and slipped into the water. Marena’s heart began to beat as he came closer to her. She began to struggle with her ties as her animal reflexes kicked in. She needed to protect herself, but she couldn’t move. She couldn’t even put her hands up. She froze stiff when he reached out to one of her ties. He started to point the knife at her stomach. She bared her teeth, but she didn’t sense any anger from him. She wondered why he was here then.

Then she saw what he was doing. One by one her ties were severed. Her mind was frantic. Why was he doing this? Was he just tricking her? She was still terrified. She watched silently as he worked. Slowly, she could stretch her fingers then her arms then her whole upper body was freed and she easily swam out of the other bindings.

The man didn’t know what hit him. Marena’s fear and pride, as always, had turned to anger. She grabbed his shoulders and smashed them against the tank wall. Just drowning him wasn’t going to be enough. She was going to let him suffer a little. She was going to keep her promises made on that last night. She hauled him, gasping for breath, onto the edge of the pool. She raised her hand and brought it down on his face. Four red lines rose up where her fingernails hand cut the skin.

“Do you want me to make them even?” she hissed through clenched teeth. He opened his caramel brown eyes, but she couldn’t meet them.

“Please, just listen to me,” he choked.

“Why should I?”

“I can get you out of here.”

“Oh, really?” she scoffed. But something in her stomach shifted. She felt the need for the ocean in her. This was her only chance.

“You have to trust me,” he pleaded.

Marena bit her lip. She was still uneasy. “Why did you take pictures of me?”

“You’re an amazing, beautiful creature, and I’m a photographer. I wanted to save that, to save your beauty.” He wasn’t going to mention wanting to show his friends how hot she looked. Marena could tell he was only giving a half truth, but she didn’t say anything about it. Instead she asked, “How can I trust you?”

“I love you. I wouldn’t hurt you,” he answered. She touched her fingers to his forehead; it was the truth. She still wasn’t sure about her own feelings, but at least she was somewhat reassured.

“How do I know for sure?”

“I came to get you, didn’t I? I wouldn’t do that for nothing. There are huge risks in this. When they find out, I’ll lose money and probably my best friend…” He trailed off. She studied his face.

“Do you have a plan to get out?”

“Well, there are guards, and the place is always running, but I’m sure we will find a way.” Her anger and fear bubbled up again. He didn’t even have a plan.

“So are we just going to saunter out? Did you see what they did to me before?”

“I will get you through. I promise. I slipped past them last time. If you walk directly under the cameras there should be a blind spot.” Marena pondered his words. She didn’t know what he meant. But what could she do? She needed to get home.

“I’m trusting you,” she whispered. Then paused a moment before saying, “Alright, let’s go.”

She gave him a kiss on his bloody cheek then she pushed him towards the ladder. He quickly climbed down, his jaw set in a determined line. As Marena’s body came out of the water all of her mermaid features seemed just to disappear. She blinked and her eyes only had one lid. Her fingers lost their webbing, and finally her tail was gone to the very tip.

The man stared. He had never had a chance to see her full human body. It was stunning. It took his breath away. Marena blushed at his gawking and turned around to start the climb down. She stepped onto the ladder and slowly lowered her weight, but her legs couldn’t hold it. Suddenly she was falling. There was nothing to grab. She opened her mouth to scream, but then he was there catching her at the bottom. She gasped and wrapped her arms around him shivering. There was a pain in her right leg and as he shifted her in his arms she saw a streak of blood on his shirt.

“I don’t think I can walk there,” she shuddered.

“It’ll be fine,” he cooed, brushing her hair out of her face.

Goosebumps ran up her arms. What was she doing? She was being weak. She was letting a human whisper in her ear that everything would be okay. She was acting like a human girl. Not someone to lust after. Not someone that drug men to the depths of the ocean. But then the feeling in her stomach came again, like she was going to puke. She was acting weak, because she was weak. Walking there might kill her. For now she needed to let herself go. She didn’t have the strength to think about how she was letting her whole race down.

Marena tried to get her bearings as he walked swiftly down hallways. They saw a few people, but mostly there were just empty, lit rooms. Everyone seemed to be in a tired, dazed stupor. People passed right by them only missing them by feet, but they didn’t even glance over. What was wrong with them? Usually they had their noses stuck in paperwork but still. Even in the middle of the night machines still buzzed and beeped. Everything looked the same though after even just a few minutes. Doors and small windows blurred together. As they went Marena started to shiver. The air-conditioning was a shock for her human body with no protection.

Marena came into focus out of fear when someone gasped at her and pointed. They were about to be discovered. An alarm blared. Marena’s head was suddenly filled with images of the third night. She couldn’t let that happen again. Could she trust him? But there was no time to second guess.

“Run!” she told him. He started forward just as voice boomed for the hallways.

“Attention, please,” it crackled out. “A fire was discovered in the west wing moments ago. Everyone please evacuate in a calm and orderly fashion. This is not a drill. Wait for further instruction outside. Again, this is not a drill.” With a high pitched wine the loudspeaker went off.

It didn’t matter what the woman had said. Instantly after the loudspeaker went of havoc broke lose - doors flung open and people in white lab coats streamed into the halls that had seemed so empty before.

“We can get away in the crowd; we are lucky!” he half shouted over the commotion. It seemed like hours of jogging. People pushed past them. Everyone was struggling to get free of the stampede.

But finally a warm waft of summer air blew into her face as they got through the last door. A million different smells were on it. Car fumes, plastic, tar, sweat, beer, take out, and more city smells overwhelmed her senses almost gagging her, not to mention all the sounds and sights. Sirens filled the air and lights flashed. But as she gave another deep breath she found one thing that she liked: saltwater.

“We’re close,” she whispered more to herself than anything. She breathed in again deeply to calm herself. This was not that night; nothing would happen. People were here to put out the fire. Marena saw a car’s lights blink on and off. As he opened the passenger door of it she smelled leather seating, plastic, and gasoline. She wrinkled her nose.

“Get in,” he instructed. Marena retaliated at the thought. Not only was it disgusting, but she had seen these machines before. They were like boats, too fast. They whizzed over bridges loudly. If you passed them they rang in your ears for hours afterwards. They were dangerous things, things to stay away from.

“You have to,” he urged, looking over his shoulder at the police. “We have no time to lose.” Marena gave a grimace, but with the help of him she slowly lowered herself onto the rough seat. He had noticed her shivering because he gave up a few seconds and found some blankets in the trunk and covered her in them.

The fabric felt rough against her skin, but she felt much warmer. Her leg still hurt, but she ignored the pain. As he started up the engine, she jumped a little, but soon she got used to the bumps and noises of the ride. Neither of them spoke, but it was okay. Marena was rigid until the sounds and sights of the panic faded with distance. When she finally relaxed she let herself be lost in her thoughts.

She only realized now how much she missed the ocean. How the currents felt against her scales, her skin. How the sun looked streaming down through the water. She pictured the coral reefs - all the vibrant colors. You could feast your eyes on them for hours without moving. She thought of her sisters. What would they be doing now? Probably they would be just getting back from hunting. They would be laughing about how foolish humans were, and telling funny things they said - funny because they were so stupid.

How would she fit in with that now? She looked at him. She studied his face. She traced down his neck to his tan hands then back again. She followed the lines of his chest muscles. His clothes had been soaked when he dove into her tank. Now he was just in his boxers.

It wasn’t fair. She loved him and she loved her own world. She couldn’t pick one or the other, and could she ask him to? She didn’t know much about love. She only knew about lust. But she doubted that was in the handbook. She closed her eyes for a moment as she felt the dull aching in her stomach. Finally she told herself to stop thinking for once; she needed to live in the moment. Even if doing that had led her nowhere good you could also argue that it was the best thing that ever happened to her.

A throb in her stomach made her shudder for a moment. She curled her feet up towards herself.

“You okay?” he asked as she tried not to grimace,

“Yeah, I just…” She paused. “…need to get to the sea.” She closed her eyes as he slipped a hand onto her thigh. Again they fell into a rhythm of bumps - and winces from Marena. Many times she was on the brink of sleep when another ache woke her, until finally the car slowed and pulled to a stop.

It took a moment for Marena to realize that it wasn’t just a stop sign or light. He shook her slightly and she sat up. She could barely stand it. She was so close! She fumbled with the door, unsure of how to get out.

“One sec,” he said and hopped out of the car. As he opened the door, Marena sucked in a huge breath of the salty air she had just gotten a whiff of when he had gotten out himself. She hadn’t ever had so much pleasure from just breathing. She let him grasp her hand and slowly, and with plenty of help, she was able to walk down the sandy beach. They both stood at the edge of the water as the waves came endlessly in.

Marena just stood for a moment. The faces of her sisters and friends flashed before her. They were beautiful.

“What’s your name?” whispered Marena, turning to face him.

“Brandon.”

She leaned into him until her face was close to his. She had decided. The last face she wanted to see was not any of theirs. She wanted to see his face, his average face - the one with the warm brown skin and a bit of stubble. It was the perfect one.

“Thank you… Brandon. Not for bringing me back; thank you for showing me love.” There was nothing more to be said.

“What’s yours?” He whispered back.

“Marena.”

“Marena,” he tested it on his lips. Then he pulled her to his chest. They stayed pressed together, rocking back and forth for what seemed like hours. Marena couldn’t feel the aching in her stomach now, though it was still there. All she felt was the warmth of his hands rubbing up and down her bare back an his chest against hers. She wanted more. She wanted him. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she couldn’t resist.

She stretched upwards on her tiptoes and pulled his face towards hers and gave him one sweet kiss, a mermaid’s kiss, and he kissed her back. He leaned into her. Slowly they sank to the damp sand. With every one of his breaths that she breathed she grew weaker, but now she didn’t care. All she wanted was now. She just wanted to hear his whispers of love and feel his hands that were everywhere at once - all she wanted to do was make love on the sand with the sea barely touching their feet. The sun slowly rose as Marena sunk into his arms.

“Please sing for me,” she whispered, and he sang for her, every love song he had ever heard. To Marena it was the best thing she ever listened to, though to anyone else his voice was nothing to be proud of. It was better than any mermaid’s voice. It was the only thing she ever wanted to hear again - him singing ‘I love you’ to her.

“I love you too,” she whispered. Then she closed her eyes and never opened them again.

The first part can be found here.
  





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Reviews: 45
Thu Jun 02, 2011 9:01 pm
cookEmonster says...



sorry for commenting again but HOLY CRAP! That was so good ): It makes me wanna cry but not. It was so sad yet incredibly beautiful! I think I love you... heheh
One: LIKE
Two: FOLLOW :D

-CookEmonster
To accept life is to accept the fate it comes with- we were born to die.
So why not make the best of what we've been given with the short time we have on earth?
I like to live every day to it's fullest. (: And writing helps me do that...
  





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Mon Jun 06, 2011 11:17 pm
Quasi says...



Hey again! I wanted to review the piece in its entirety, so here I am. :)

Everything stylistic that I said in my review of the first half still applies here. I was still endeared to your narrator, I still wanted to know more about the physicality of the mermaids, and I still got tripped up by the lack of setting elaboration. But you know what I mean about all that already, so I'll find other things to ramble on about.

Now that I've read the whole thing, I'm having fun thinking about the way you handled the inclusion of flashbacks to tell a nonlinear story. See, even though you warned us that this was a romance, I started off believing this was going to be a completely different kind of story. ("She's tied up! That dude is totally trying to do evil things to her! She's gonna have to bust out alone like a total BAMF!")

But you pulled a fast one on me. It's a love story, which means that the real focus is on the relationship between Brandon and Marena. Which is great, because the flashbacks are totally focused on the development of their relationship, even if the reader spends their time believing that the flashbacks only exist to let the reader know how Marena ended up in her bad situation. That makes your story tricksy and awesome and makes it work on more than one level.

Basically: me gusta.

In rewrites, I think it would be really beneficial to you to play up the love angle as much as possible. Your reader spends so much time in the action-story will-she-break-out-or-won't-she adrenaline rush that they don't have too much time to think about Brandon and why she likes him and whether or not they believe that he's actually trying to help her. I wanted to see more of their interactions, more about why she believes he's something special even though he's a human and definitely more about how he comes to love her. I like the hook that he's a photographer and she's something beautiful-- that's something I'd like to see articulated from him.

I rambled about integrating the flashbacks differently in my first review, which I think will also help play up the romance because your reader will see that sharp deviation in between the immediate conflict of the present-time plot with the "failed romance" of the flashbacks. The final effect could be really cool: Marena falls for the guy who traps her, which makes the romance seem like a mistake, but as it turns out he's actually the same guy who rescues her. The reader will have to put the pieces together themselves. That makes the flashbacks add so much more to the story, which I love.

I've run out of immediate thoughts, but please let me know if you have any more questions or want any more nitpicking done! Thank you for the read!

Quasi
RachaelElg: ...we should take a trip to Home Depot while you're here
  





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Tue Jun 07, 2011 6:48 am
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ultraviolet says...



Just so you know, I have written this review out for you - I just wrote it in a notebook. Don't ask why. Just, sometimes things are easier to write out longhand, I don't know why. And I am incredibly tired and too lazy to type it out for you this moment. You'll get it in the morning. Cheers?
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 12193
Reviews: 275
Tue Jun 07, 2011 12:41 pm
Calligraphy says...



Thanks for all the reviews guys! I am editing today. Birdy, that is awesome.
  





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Thu Jun 09, 2011 12:31 am
Scarlet15 says...



This is absolutely AMAZING like the first part. :} I didn't find any problems in this piece and I hope that you write more soon! :D
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 4:50 am
Azila says...



Hi there, Calli! I'm here to give you your contest review. It's to let you know the things Ranger and I talked about while judging so you can understand our decisions and, hopefully, learn a little from this whole thing.

Firstly, both Ranger and I enjoyed reading this piece. It was certainly one of the more memorable entries. We both liked that you added in a fantasy/mythology element with the mermaids, so it wasn't just romance, even though it was quite romantic. The plot is really well thought out and detailed--more so than I would expect from a short story, in fact. It felt almost like it could be a novella. Nicely done! It served for a very engaging piece to read.

I also quite liked the contrast of beauty and terrible ugliness that seems to be a theme through out the piece. Take Marena for example: she is beautiful, but she is also deadly. Or the ending: it is beautiful because of their love, but it is also terrible because I'm certain that she dies and I think he might as well (since she gave him a mermaid's kiss). That tragedy was worked in nicely. It reminded me a little/lot of The Little Mermaid, actually. I'm not sure if you intended that or not. Unfortunately, it wasn't a great thing to remind me of for personal reasons (I've got some connotations with that story that... aren't all that great >.<) but I think if I try not to get personal about it, that was a very nice touch. ^_^

So all in all this piece was pretty solid--however, of course, there are some things that could be improved upon.

Firstly, on a technical level, you had a lot of odd little typos and weird phrasing, or sentences that felt like they were missing words. You could fix this, I think, by reading it slowly out loud or under your breath and really paying attention to reading just (and all of) the words that are on the page, without skimming. That usually helps me find technical difficulties and slip-ups.

My one biggest issue with this piece, I think, was the characters. The characters and the romance--my two biggest issues with this were the characters and the romance... and the length--my three... okay, let me try this again. *ehem* I have three main problems with this piece. One is the characters, two is the romance, and three is the length. But, really, they're all the same problem which I hope you'll understand once I tell you what I mean.

Characters. I never really get to know either of the characters all that well. The whole time, we're too detached from Brandon to get to know him, and Marena's just too unpredictable to get to know. One second she's ripping his face apart, and the next second she's kissing him. This is the kind of piece where if I don't get to know the characters, I don't relate to the characters, and thusly I can't understand their love for each other, which makes it hard for me to understand their...

...romance. See, one of your more major themes seems to be the contrast between love and lust. You claim their relationship is one of the former. But I can't really see it as such because I don't understand how they could actually love each other. Sure, there is such a thing as love at first sight... sometimes. But I'm not even sure I can call it that since the only way I ever see you describing their love is by wanting to kiss/be kissed, wanting to make love, etc. which sounds an awful lot like lust to me.

How could you fix both of these problems with one stone? Think about the length. As you have it right now, the piece is pretty long for this kind of short story. Not that it didn't keep me reading all the way through (it did!), just that I felt like there was a lot of wasted space--a lot of conversations or descriptions that felt like placeholders, or something to use up some extra time. But I've just mentioned two problems that would be fixed with more character development.

You have enough length to take care of both the characters and the romance--you just need to use it more wisely. Something I've noticed recently about writing in general but particularly shorter short stories and poems is that each scene counts. Each paragraph counts. Maybe even each sentence or word. Don't say things just to say them, especially when you have issues with things like character development, that could be addressed with utilizing your length more effectively.

From the point of view of the contest, you did pretty well with the flashbacks (though they could have been done a bit more smoothly) and the genre, but... uh, I saw a lot of adverbs in there. Like, a lot of them. Did you forget that you weren't allowed to use them? xD

Anyhow, I think this piece is really solid and has a lot of potential to it. It was fun to read--it kept my attention well and it was certainly very memorable.

I hope this review helps somewhat! Please feel free to PM me or post on my wall with questions or whatnot.

Thanks for entering. :}
  








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