Young Writers Society

HEYYY THIS IS MY FIRST STORY SO PLEASE REVIEW AND IF U HAVE ANY TIPS OR COMMENTS PLZ TELL ME

As images flash across my mind, I am pulled out the classroom and into yet another vision. Great. I try to aviod having a vision in public at all cost but apperently i dont get to decide when and where i get them. In this one I see a girl prepared to jump off a two-storied building. I dont understand why i get visions of people needing help when there is absolutely no way I can save them. I mean, I dont even know where they are and if I did what am I supposed to do? Call the police and let them know someone's about to die? I am already an outcast so I really dont need anymore help standing out.


The bell rings as I sucked back into class. I just hope no one noticed me zapping out like that. I grab my things and head for the door when Mr. Simler asked to speak to me. When the class clears out he begins his lecture on how he doesnt apreciate me falling asleep during his class. I struggle not to roll my eyes as I promise him it wont happen again. With a gruff he dismisses me out.

I search through the crowd for my friend Chelsea. Chelsea is the only person who doesnt notice how different I am. Then again she doesnt notice a whole lot. " Heyy, bestie. I saw Mr. Simler talking to you.What was it this time?"she said preparing to give me another lecture. " Nothing. Sleeping in class again." "Dont you ever sleep at home?" she asked looking worried. "Not enough."





That wasnt exactly true. I mean I got to sleep. For about an hour before the dreams invaded my mind and pulled me out of my sleep. You'd think it feel just dreaming, right? Wrong. Most of them are like nightmares and though most last only a minute or two, they drain a lot out of me. I usually have to eat about a dozen energy bars a day.




" Well," she said grabbing my hand,"nevermind that. I have a treat for you.", she said smilling brightly. " Is it anything like the last suprise" I replied glumly."Oh, come on that was an accident and its not my fault.I thought golf carts were just like go garts but slower." she said pouting a little.



She's refering to my last birthday, the one where everyone forgot about it. To cheer me up she took me to some mini golf place. She thought it would be fun to hijack a golf cart and take it for a spin. Wrong. We ended up falling in a lake and we're now banned from there for good. And to make matters worse, they took a picture of us while we were soaking wet and put it on the info board next to the coffee shop.



"Well this one involves us ditching class." "I'm in", I say already starting to feel cheery. As we walk towards the doors, i feel the icy glares comming from a group of girls.I feel a vision coming on so I lean toward the nearest wall.


In this one I see Chelsea arguing with some man.The man looks old with a graying beard. Chelsea looked years older and seemed to be about thirty. They're near a lake and the man is waving his arms around while Chelsea stands looking cofident but also on the verge of tears

"How could you do this to Chels? I thought you loved me!" "I did love you. I still do. Im so sorry" she says pleading with him." No you're not and neither am I " And with that he pushes her back into the lake.The vision fades away and im brought back to the real world.



" Yo, Court, you ok?" Chelsea is standing in front of me snaping her fingers in my face." Wow you really dont get enough sleep"she saysI hear the group of girls snicker so they must have watched me blank out. I suddenly feel sick to my stomach. "Ya im fine, but I'm not really feeling it anymore.I still need to get out of here though so will you just drop me off at my house?" "You sure you feelin' ok?" " Uhuh Im just tired" "Okay,"she says as if shes not sure if she believes me.


As we got into the car, my mind was spinning. Chelsea's my best friend and will probally be my only friend. How do I protect her? Tell her to stay away from men in their forties with beards? The whole ride home I didnt say anything. I couldnt think straight.

When we arived at my house I jumped out the car, thanked her and ran to the house. I didnt stop till i was safely in my room, and closed the door. Chelsea is the only friend I have and I cant lose her, not with all the crazy things going on in my life now. I only knew one thing: I was going to have to prevent this from happening in anyway I can. I owed her that much.







hope you guys enjoyed it . Let me know if i should change anything

Hey,

I really like the premise of the story. Yes, the whole psychic dealing with life and her visions has been done before, but I think you have some ideas that can make this unique.

Now here are some questions you should consider about the premise. Otherwise, the story might need more of a suspension of belief than I think is strictly necessary for this story.

If she has been having these sleeping issues her entire life, then where is the sleep therapy? Where are the counselor meetings, the worried looks from teachers? Why is she not taking pills? Why do her classmates hate her so? It has to be for more reasons than she falls asleep in class all the time. In my experience, most people find that funny, not annoying.

Next to those questions I want you to consider, my other recommendation is grammar.

Make sure all your I's are capitalized.

"I am pulled out the classroom and into yet another vision," should be, "I am pulled out of the classroom and into yet another vision."

"The bell rings as I sucked back into class," should be, "The bell rings as I am sucked back into class.

You should also consider varying up the sentence length. Have fun. Combine sentences. Make some short and sweet.

In general write the piece, walk away for a few days, then come back and edit like a mad women. You'll be surprised how much you miss otherwise. Do this until you find nothing else to edit. By then, most of these mistakes will be gone.

Next to that, I am done critiquing. The character was fun and quirky. Keep it up. If you have any questions feel free to pm me. I'll be more than happy to answer them.

Dun dun duuuuunnnn. Very ominous.

Hey, since this appears to be the first chapter to something rather a short story, have you considered our nifty Novel feature? *nifty*

Nitpicks, then overall!

Nitpicks:

Quite a few words don't have capitalization that need them. "I" always needs to be capitalized. It's a small thing, but it adds up and numerous mistakes can put a reader off, even if the story itself is fantastic.

When writing dialogue, every time a new character starts talking, the new dialogue needs to get bumped down into it's own paragraph. Example:

"Hey man!" Peter clapped John on the back. "Are you going tonight?"

"Uh, where?" John asked.

It makes it much clearer that a new speaker has started. As is, you've got a few places where several different people talk in the same paragraph and it's really easy to forget who's talking when.

Also, I'm not really sure why it is, but there are some weird spaces between your quotation marks and the actual words sometimes. It's odd and I found it just the slightest bit distracting. Again, small thing that over time can throw a reader out of the story.

Overall:
Mmm, was your main character here a guy or a girl? To be honest, I don't think it was mentioned at all, not a name, nothing. I felt sort of disoriented, not being sure and all.

The friendship was nice though. We got a sense of both characters through how they interacted with each other. Nice. Knowing whether the MC was a guy or girl would help there a little though, letting us know what we might be able to expect from their friendship, not to mention helping to size up the rest of the story.

I'm interested in the vision thing. What causes it? How does the character normally deal with it? I can imagine that it would be a bit depressing, to see so many people in trouble and not be able to help them. Do they just get numb to it? Does anyone else know about it? How long has it been going on? Have they ever actually been able to save someone before?

Keep writing! I wanna know what happens!

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling