Young Writers Society

Once upon a time, there was a queen and she was very beautiful and very wise. She knew her text well.

“Do you remember the text?” asked the king.

“Of course,” answered the queen.

One day the king forgot the text. He was punished severely. But the queen did not forget the Text. And she was greatly awarded.

“I’m taking primary rule,” said the queen.

“Very, well,” said the king. “You know the text better than me and I have been a fool to forget a single verse.”

“That is true. You may repeat it,” said the queen.

“You know the text better than me and I have been a fool to forget a single verse,” repeated the king.

“Hmph,” said the queen.

Everyone loved the queen. Everyday subjects brought her gifts. Any several times a day, someone would compliment her on her wisdom.

However there was one person who did not like the queen. He was intensely jealous of her infinite knowledge of the Text. This person’s name was Gerald.

Gerald lived in a large house right beside the kingdom. He believed that it was he who should be queen of Rovi, not the true queen.

Gerald developed a plan. He took in his nephew and let his nephew meet the faerie princess, Kamari. Jeremy, his nephew, and Kamari became good friends.

One day, when Kamari was playing with Jeremy, Gerald kidnapped her.
“Uncle, what are you doing?” Jeremy cried.

“I am taking my rightful place as queen. If the faeries want their princess back they will make me queen.”

“That’s against the Text!” Jeremy gasped.

Gerald laughed wickedly.

“Let her stay kidnapped,” said Roslen. “Then I will be queen.”

“Foolish child you have forgotten the Text,” reprimanded the Queen. And Roslen was thrown into the dungeon.

“What should we do?” asked the clueless king.

The Queen laughed smugly. She was not deterred.

“Have you fools forgotten?” she told the kingdom. “I have the power of the Text vested in me.”

She floated up into the air and spun around. The clouds of the sky spun in a cyclone.

“Bring back Kamari or face the wraught of the Text.” She warned Gerald.

“Never,” said Gerald, trying to sound brave though he was hiding inside the house.

“Very well then,” said the Queen. “We’ll see what the ancestors have to say about that.”

It began to rain fire. Gerald’s house burnt down consumed in the fire brought by the Queen, her most wonderful excellency.

“I’m sorry. I have forgotten the Text,” Gerald yelled. “Take KAmari. I’m sorry. I am a fool.”

“You are a fool,” said the Queen.

The guards retrieved KAmari and under the Queen’s command arrested Gerald.

“I almost thought for a moment that Roslen was going o be queen,” said the king. “But you were right as usual. Kamari will be queen.”

“Of course, I was right,” the Queen said. “I am Queen.”

And the whole kingdom praised the Queen, her most wonderful excellency.

“Remember the Text,” said the Queen.

THE END

Hey there! I could really get into this piece because it was so full of dialogue...not much description.

First of all, I'm not going to go through this with a detailed review because I can see the problems from a few thousand miles away. oo"

Your main problem is your style, which relies heavily on telling and not showing. We hear the whole telling and not showing shebang all the time, but what is it, really? Well, I'll do my best to explain it here.

Once upon a time, there was a queen and she was very beautiful and very wise.

That bit is telling. Not showing. To show she was beautiful and wise, you use situations. Show me how everyone looks at her when she walks into the room, how the men's eyes linger on her despite the fact that her husband is the king because they can't help it, or maybe just the way she charms courtiers. With wisdom, show her dispensing good advice and sound judgment. =]

Everyday subjects brought her gifts. Any several times a day, someone would compliment her on her wisdom.

These are both trickier since it looks like showing from afar, but when you look at it closely, it's actually telling. Why?

"Someone" might as well be the author himself/herself telling the audience the queen is wise. You'll want the readers to deduce she's wise for themselves. Let the readers decide what kind of person she is, otherwise they'll resent you for telling them so. =]

Also, note that subjects bringing her gifts can be misinterpreted so you'll have to show me a peasant willingly going up to her and giving her a gift.

It's important to note that zooming in now and then won't hurt. Examining the scenes in detail would be nice. Stalin once said, "The death of one is a tragedy; the death of millions is just a statistic." It applies to writing as well. Recall that when you read a book, your heart doesn't necessarily crumple when an army crushes your protagonist's kingdom's army. No. You feel fear for what might come next, maybe, but you don't grieve for the army. But when the author takes away the protagonist's friend by killing him off, then you certainly grieve. Vice versa applies. Show how maybe two or three peasants love her, and we'll deduce she's well-loved.

Now, let's go on to your characters. They're really quite flat, to be honest. I'd like to see more flaws. The queen is powerful, she's beautiful, and she's wise, to top it all off. Not good. Those are all traits that, if explored in-depth, would turn her into a Mary Sue. Everyone except the evil antagonist loves her. Even worse. Imagine real life. No one is entirely loved. Even the sweetest person has his or her detractors, and not all of his her or her detractors are necessarily evil. Perhaps they find the queen somewhat bossy because she nudged aside the king, or even arrogant, for always boasting she knows the text well.

Likewise, give the king and Gerald personalities too. Think of the people you know. They're not entirely good, but they're not entirely evil. =]

Finally, your plot is simplistic and unless you explore it in detail, it's not going to work for an adult story. Maybe a children's story, but never one for adults or teens. Gerald will not be able to take Kamari that easily. Examine the politics of the situation. Wouldn't the king's pride be wounded? Who punishes them for not knowing the text? He's the king - shouldn't he be able to avoid consequences? How does Gerald even get access to Kamari? Not anyone can just have their kids play with the queen's relatives. And where were the guards when he seized Kamari? Also, does Gerald not consider the idea that the queen is powerful? That she has armies? And don't tell me he's stupid - stupid antagonists turn a story complacent and boring. Bring me an antagonist worthy of the protagonist, and I'll show you a beautiful story. The antagonist must always be toe to toe with the protagonist if you want the conflict in the story to be tight and believable.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. ^^ If you have any questions, PM me.

Sincerely,

Octave

Before I start, can I ask you something? Is this a children's book? It sounds like a book for children, a good old fairy tale parents would read to their children (or just the children reading it themselves).

Once upon a time, there was a queen and she was very beautiful and very wise. She knew her text well.

Like what Octave said, you really used telling instead of showing. Details is what people want to read, so that they can understand how she is very beautiful and very wise. Now, unless this is intended as a children's book, then this is pretty much likewise. Not encouraging you to keep it like this though.

And unless with pictures, I would ask another question, what exactly is the text? Is it the text that "god" made for the king and queen? Is it a text that ancestors/elders made? Or is it simply rules "god" made?

One day the king forgot the text. He was punished severely. But the queen did not forget the Text. And she was greatly awarded.

That's a lot of small sentences you got there. Maybe you should merge them? OH, and details! How was he punished? How was she greatly awarded? And how dare the king forget the text!

“I’m taking primary rule,” said the queen.
“Very, well,” said the king. “You know the text better than me and I have been a fool to forget a single verse.”

Take out the comma between [very] and [well]. If only ruling was hard as that... maybe monarchy could've ruled a bit longer before democrats/republicans took over.

“That is true. You may repeat it,” said the queen.
“You know the text better than me and I have been a fool to forget a single verse,” repeated the king.
“Hmph,” said the queen.

Can you explain to me why he needs to explain it? Is the queen a bit sadistic that she likes to hear her husband suffer on having his throne taken away from him? What's with the hmph? Is she happy, unsatisfied or...?
You said [said the queen] twice in that small quote I made. It's nice to use another word rather than [said].

Gerald lived in a large house right beside the kingdom. He believed that it was he who should be queen of Rovi, not the true queen.

I'm sorry but I can't help laughing at that line. HE, Gerald, wants to be a queen! Ah ha ha ha!! Let's not get into that anymore.

Gerald developed a plan. He took in his nephew and let his nephew meet the faerie princess, Kamari. Jeremy, his nephew, and Kamari became good friends.

Now we suddenly have two new character out of the blue. Who are they? Where did they come from? Who is this magical faerie princess you're talking about? Small sentences again.

“Let her stay kidnapped,” said Roslen. “Then I will be queen.”

Then came another character! Who is this Roslen? Is she Gerald's wife? Is also another person who wanted to become queen? Huh? What? Who? I'm confused.

“Foolish child you have forgotten the Text,” reprimanded the Queen. And Roslen was thrown into the dungeon.

Wait, so Roslen came out of nowhere and now she's in prison since the queen teleported to her and threw her in the dungeon? If she teleported, say that she teleported, because she popped out of the walls and shoved Roslen into a dungeon. By the way, nice word you got there (reprimanded).

“Have you fools forgotten?” she told the kingdom. “I have the power of the Text vested in me.”

I still don't know what the text is. Is it the divine rules of the faeries... is the queen a faerie? Why is she telling the kingdom? Did the kingdom do something wrong? Did they started a riot or something?

She floated up into the air and spun around. The clouds of the sky spun in a cyclone.

Very... uhh... childlike descriptive (need work). I'm guessing that she's a... faerie queen that follows the text and... has the power to summon tornadoes?

“Bring back Kamari or face the wraught of the Text.” She warned Gerald.
“Never,” said Gerald, trying to sound brave though he was hiding inside the house.

How did she find out that Gerald took her 'daughter'? Does the text tell her that? What are the rules or verses of the text? Did the text said that you can't kipnap queen's daughters? ...Oh, characters are popping up like daisies!

It began to rain fire. Gerald’s house burnt down consumed in the fire brought by the Queen, her most wonderful excellency.
“I’m sorry. I have forgotten the Text,” Gerald yelled. “Take KAmari. I’m sorry. I am a fool.”
“You are a fool,” said the Queen.
The guards retrieved KAmari and under the Queen’s command arrested Gerald.
“I almost thought for a moment that Roslen was going o be queen,” said the king. “But you were right as usual. Kamari will be queen.”

So it wasn't tornadoes... but meteors (or raining fires)? Did Gerald ran out of the house before she burnt it down? How is he still alive? Did she aimed just for the house or was it all wildlike? Where was Kamari, by the way. Was she in the basement of his house? The roof? The king sounds very submissive, hah, that makes me laugh.

“Of course, I was right,” the Queen said. “I am Queen.”
And the whole kingdom praised the Queen, her most wonderful excellency.
“Remember the Text,” said the Queen.

Now it seriously sound like a children's book, like parents would read it to their children and tell them to remember the text or else the queen will burn down their house. You also repeated [her most wonderful excellency].

Overall, it was a good read as a children's book. However, as a short story, it was a major bland taste of a fantasy. Improvement with details would make it sound much better as a short story. However, I read this as a short story instead of a children's book so I have to keep on questioning questions since there were so little details.

Thanks everyone for the comments. I wasn't taking this story too seriously as you can probably tell by the writing. And, yeah, it's a kid's story for the faerie children. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense. It wasn't exactly supposed to. I was just being silly with it. I'm glad Roal got some of the jokes. Thanks for your reviews and long live the faerie queen!