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A Chance at Good-Bye (Part 2)



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Sat May 28, 2011 8:08 pm
silentwords says...



Spoiler! :
This is the second part of my short story. Sorry that I took so long to write it. I have been kind of busy lately. Anyways, if you want to read part 1 first (which I suggest), here is the link: topic80579.html
All suggestions and reviews are appreciated! (:


He grabbed my hand, but I quickly pulled away. I then asked him sceptically, “Why do you even want to fix me up? How does my well-being affect you?”
His eyes narrowed into golden slits. “You enjoy being in pain? Well, isn’t that… different.”
I mentally rolled my eyes as I sucked in air. “That’s not what I meant… I just don’t understand why you would even bother.”
“Um, sweetheart we have already been over this. You don’t look like you are in any condition to be walking, and last I checked I don’t look like a taxi, ergo I need to fix you up.” His voice was thick with sarcasm.
He was only making me more confused. His smart arse way of talking was really starting to get on my nerves. “Where am I walking to?” I asked with a hint of irritation in my voice.
He responded in an even more annoyed tone, “You are going to see your boyfriend. You know, Aiden whatever-his-last-name-is.”
His lack of respect towards Aiden was really starting to piss me off. I know he is the god of the Underworld and he is around dead people all day, but he could at least pretend like he cares about Aiden. Showing a little respect won’t kill him. Unfortunately it seems like nothing can… oh shoot, he can’t read my mind, can he? I quickly examined his emotionless face. He looked a little annoyed, but mostly he just looked as smug as when I first saw him. The nerves suffocating my heart released. Glad to know he isn’t that powerful. Phew.
“Aiden is gone. I can’t see him.” I muttered. I felt like I was going to explode, but I knew if I started yelling, I would only break down into tears. I wouldn’t give Hades the satisfaction of knowing he actually hurt me. Knowing that would probably be the highlight of his day.
The uncaring god raised his index finger into the air. “Correction my dear, Aiden is dead, not gone. Your stubborn little boy toy has refused to leave earth.”
I began biting on my lip to stop myself from crying. “He is still on earth?” I whispered.
“Yes, actually he is standing right over there in the corner.” Hades tilted his head to the right towards the half open window.
My emerald eyes widened as they bounced up to the corner behind Hades.
I heard Hades chuckle softly. My eyes darted back to him, to see his hand over his mouth and his eyes lit up with evil delight. I watched him silently.
He brought his hand away from his mouth as his waved it dismissively. “I’m only kidding, he isn’t here. I actually have no idea where he is, nor do I care. But he is still on earth, invisible to the human eye of course, but lover boy is wandering around here somewhere.” He informed haughtily.
I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, and I could feel a massive headache forming as I tried to understand what Hades was saying. My brain has already been foggy enough over the past few days, and now this was just taking it too far. This whole time I thought I would never see Aiden again, and now… and now I am? I know that I should be happy but I feel terrified and like tears are going to come bursting through my eyes at any second.
I asked the god slowly, “So… so Aiden is a ghost?”
He shrugged his shoulders lightly. “I suppose you could say that, however I call them shadows. Either way, he isn’t hiding under some kid’s bed or is anything like what your little manipulative media try to say they are. No human, no matter what those little scammers say, can talk to shadows. It is impossible, well only unless I allow the shadow to be seen of course.” His proud grin was plastered on his face yet again.
“So what has he been doing all this time?” Even though what he was telling me about ghosts should have been incredibly interesting, all I could focus on was Aiden.
He shot me a weird look. Clearly he was disappointed that I wasn’t as interested about the ghosts, or well shadows, as he wanted me to be. The young looking god replied arrogantly, “I don’t know. Wandering around? What do you think I do, check up on him daily? Please, I have far better things to be doing.”
“Okay… well sorry. I was just wondering.” I snapped back. “So what, is he just chilling somewhere?”
“Yes, I suppose he is. He is just lingering like a lost soul.” Hades smiled to himself. “Actually he is a lost soul.” He chuckled softly, but my hardened face didn’t budge. When Mr. Not-So-Funny realized that I wasn’t finding this the least bit humorous he said, “Oh relax cupcake. He really isn’t missing out on much. In the Underworld he will be like a little robot soul anyway, going through the same motions every day. It isn’t torture, but it isn’t paradise. However, Tartarus is torture. If I was you, I’d refrain from killing someone. Not the place you want to end up. Anyway, you should really be thankful that one of the gods decided to save you. The afterlife is not all it is cracked up to be.”
My eyes stretched wide open. “What?!”
A god saved me? What the heck does that mean? Did I actually die then? Should I be with Aiden right now? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.
He nodded his head slowly. “Yes, I know it is disappointing. That is why you should never believe what people tell you. People tell you lies, you get your hopes up, and then bam, disappointment. However, the afterlife isn’t awful. It is peaceful… it just isn’t paradise. You get to do similar things as on earth, and you never are hungry or have to go to the bathroom. The temperature is usually constant and-”
I couldn’t take his babbling anymore. My patience was totally gone, and so I cut him off, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I don’t give a-” My yelling ceased as I saw Hades expression. His cocky smile was washed clean from his face, and his eyes looked like two large, golden marbles. For the first time since he opened his mouth, he actually looked… human. He looked like a normal teenage boy getting yelled at by his parents for getting caught drinking of smoking. He honestly looked scared and… dare I say it… hurt? I was absolutely stunned.
Our eyes were locked for what felt like an eternity. Finally, I lowered my head and apologized quietly, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that. I’ve… I’ve just been under a lot of stress since the accident, and I haven’t been sleeping well, and the medication is messing with my head, and… yeah. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, um, yes. That’s fine. I understand.” He replied shakily. The arrogance that had strengthened his voice the entire time, had completely vanished. He looked behind him at the door, and then said in a rush, “I should be going. You must be exhausted. I’m sorry if I upset. Good day, Harmony.” He turned swiftly and headed towards the door.
“Hades, wait!” I had to know what he meant by one of the gods saving me.
He was in the doorway when he turned around. He took two steps closer to me and then whispered, “I will be back at midnight. We will go seen Aiden then.” Without giving me a chance to say a word, he was gone.
I threw my head back down on my pillow and grunted. I then winced from the pain of my crushed ribs. A moment later, I heard my mother’s heels rushing into my room. Apparently she heard me yelling, and Hades looked upset when he left. She wanted to know what happened between us. Then she noticed the big crack in the wall above me, and demanded to know what happened with that. I had completely forgotten to get Hades to fix that. Luckily, I was able to make up a lie about him being a kid from school who ruined the wall, and that is why I was yelling at him. At least I was half telling the truth. I could tell she didn’t really believe me, but considering my situation, she didn’t press for details. I suppose I could have tried telling her the truth, but then tomorrow I would most likely be waking up in a new hospital.
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D
  





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Sun May 29, 2011 10:36 pm
PandaRawr says...



Wow. This is really good. I am thouroughly enjoying this story. I did find some grammer mistakes but nothing note worthy. I love what your doing with Hades. If I'm sensing right he dosen't seem like he's gonna end up as bad as everyone cracks him up to be. Still, though he seems to have enough of that all-evil stuff going on to call him Hades. For some reason though, he seems to be doing it on purpose. Like having on a mask. I can't wait to see what you do with this. Please keep me posted on when you add more :)
Forever, Writer.
When you turn to face the sun, all of the shadows fall behind you.
I used to be Writer97 but that was boring so I changed it. PandaRawr is more me.
  





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Wed Jun 01, 2011 2:10 am
iampaulop says...



Ok so here is the part 2...

A god saved me? What the heck does that mean? Did I actually die then? Should I be with Aiden right now? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

Well, I find it a little off. You can remove the text in red font... hehe... I find it very over the top

I can really see the personality of Hades and that makes the story solid and strong..

NOT BORING !.

I want to read some more! MORE !! Post the next chapter pls??? !! I will look forward for this one! :) I love this
It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities

Paul Zione
  





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Sat Jun 04, 2011 5:18 am
MiRaCLeS says...



Heya!

So, I feel as though part two is a bit (like tiny, tiny bit) flatter than the first one. I think (and this is just personal opinion here) that there isn't much action happening. Most of it is dialogue, which you wrote about brilliantly. But I'd like to see some action happening around here. So far, you've had them sitting around talking about Aiden, ghosts, shadows, witty remark being shot back and forth and the like and that's all cool, but, I'd like to see it balanced with some action. I'd like to see the adventure. I'd like to see Harmony go after Aiden. Or whatever she's going to do.

Characterisation, you've kept your character's personality brilliantly through the story, I could really connect to Harmony and Hades is... well, he's Hades the sarcastic. So, characterisation was brilliant. No one sounded out of character or anything.

You also kept my interest, I think that might've had something to do with the flow and Harmony's personality that shines through ever so brightly. So, well done on that. :)

To finish off, I'd like to say, your dialogue is brilliant, characterisation is also fantastic. But I'd like to see action. I'd like to see something drastic happening. I want to read about something else rather than Harmony and Hades talking. Other than that, part two is very well written. Keep it up! :)
  








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