Young Writers Society

The Generals of the Clockwork Hand were losing hope. For many moons now, they hadn't seen their almighty leader and they were becoming restless. They thought they would have took over the whole of the Western World by now, instead of sitting in the slime and mud of the blasted land of Aldionia. They started arguing amonst themselves. Some wanted to go back to their parts of the World until their clamour filled the Halls of the old wizard's tower.
"Silence!", called a cloaked figure, gliding through a far off doorway. All were stunned to silence as the Clockwork Hand swept in the room, followed by the soft, fast ticking noise, resontating from his left hand, "I know that each and every one of you want to take the World, or at least make our presence known, but, how are we to do this without an Army, gentlemen?" he asked, hoping that the greedy little fishes that sat infront of him would take the bait, and get ensnared in the hook.
"My Lord!" exclaimed Abercrombie, of the Swamps of T'Gar, where strange little lights lead the unwary and ignorant to their doom and destruction,"Each man here would gladly go home to their lands and assemble each of their armies, so as to cement their devotion to the cause! Please, Lord, let us go to them and bring our hordes to share in your glory!"

All of the men their nodded in agreement, and the little fish took the bait.

~*~
When they had gone, the Clockwork Hand drifted down into his armoury, which was littered with pile upon pile of rusting and decaying armour and weaponary, carelessly thrown aside, as building blocks which children play with, when the children get bored, they leave them on the floor for mother to pick up, and that was the state of the armour. He picked up a helmet from the mess and held it in the half light, where it shone grimly.

"Soon", he whispered, and it melted in his hands.

~*~

Each of the generals returned, as promised, a few days later, each with one hundred men and women, each of them ready to die for the cause of the Clockwork Hand. The poor fools were marched into the Wizard's Tower, expecting to be trained, and end the whole campaign with wealth and valuables to their heart's content. They, as was ordered, were put into the vast amoury beneath the Tower. The generals, up in the front lines, lead by the dark Wizard and his strange ticking, went in also, and walked straight into their doom.

"My friends!" the Clockwork Hand shouted suddenly, as all of the fools were in the armoury, itching to get suited up, "I thank you for your support and your belief in our grand plan. You have now got an even more important role within it " and with that, he closed the massive doors of the room, leaving the men and women to scream for escape. Chaos erupted in the room and they banged on the doors, trying to break them down. The Clockwork Hand started an incantation, one of evil design and purpose:



Suddenly, there came aagonised screaming from the other side of the gigantic doors which reverberated around the cavernous corridor, and out to the wastelands, where they were carried on the winds.
~*~

In the land of Terrabyss of the seven rivers, where the dead rejoin with the Gods after the judgment of Nomos and Physis, Nomos of Reason and Intel of the Pencil and Ruler were keeping vigil over Summer's Abyss, the dark place of misery and torment for those who dare break the laws and sanctions of the Gods. Intel was there instead of Physis, as Physis went missing on the World a few moons before. As they were sitting in the perpetual peace of Terrabyss, that peace was shattered by an almighty crack from the edges of the Abyss. Massive cracks formed all around as it grew wider, when, suddenly, the green, whispy forms of the damned spirits started poking through and drifting into the darkening sky and entering the World. Dumbstruck, the two Gods ran to the Great Castle on the Edge of the Sea.
"What is happening?!" cried Intel to Nomos as they ran.

"The Damned are escaping. Something powerful is happening on the World, disrupting the Etneral Balance and breaking all laws we Gods hold dear".

And so, darkness desended upon Terrabyss. The animals and creatures who still remained there turned and fled from their homes, flowers closed their fragile petals to the darkening sun and the rietous spirits cowered in fear at the sight of this new and awesome threat. Inside the halls of the Great Castle, the World itself started to tip, slowly but surely and it took the strength of half of the assembled Gods to shore it up, and keep it from destruction.

~*~
Inside the armoury of the Tower, the green whisps settled amongst the tens of thousends of pieces of amour and weaponary, with more and more of them coming every second to claim their new life. Suddenly, all went quiet. The green illumination faded over the black charcole that littered a large part of the stone floor. Suddenly a small creaking noise came from all corners of the room. Suits of armour of all conditions and parts stood, gleaming rustily and greenishly, ready for their orders. The Army of Darkness was born.

Icy here to review!
Is it weird to comment that I like the layout of this piece? Probably... yes! Okay, I'll get onto the proper review now

skutter11 wrote:The Generals of the Clockwork Hand were losing hope. For many moons now, they hadn't seen their almighty leader and they were becoming restless. They thought they would have took over the whole of the Western World by now, instead of sitting in the slime and mud of the blasted land of Aldionia. They started arguing amonst themselves. Some wanted to go back to their parts of the World until their clamour filled the Halls of the old wizard's tower.A lot of sentences here seem to begin with the word 'they'. Try to play around with the structure a bit, as it can get a little repetetive.

"Silence!", called a cloaked figure, gliding through a far off doorway. All were stunned to silence repetition of silence. If I see any more repetition I'm going to highlight in in blue for you as the Clockwork Hand swept in the room, followed by the soft, fast ticking noise, resontating from his left hand, "I know that each and every one of you want to take the World, or at least make our presence knownthis seems quite a mellow thing to say in comparison to the first. Maybe change it or reorder the two? , but, how are we to do this without an Army, gentlemen?" he asked, hoping that the greedy little fishes that sat infront of him would take the bait, and get ensnared in the hook. You seem to have quite a run-on sentence here. See if you can add a stop somewhere.
"My Lord!" exclaimed Abercrombie, of the Swamps of T'Gar, where strange little lights lead the unwary and ignorant to their doom and destruction,"Each man here would gladly go home to their lands and assemble each of their armies, so as to cement their devotion to the cause! Please, Lord, let us go to them and bring our hordes to share in your glory!"

All of the men their nodded in agreement, and the little fish took the bait.

~*~
When they had gone, the Clockwork Hand drifted down into his armoury, which was littered with pile upon pile of rusting and decaying armour and weaponary, carelessly thrown aside, as building blocks which children play with, when the children get bored, they leave them on the floor for mother to pick up, and that was the state of the armour. He picked up a helmet from the mess and held it in the half light, where it shone grimly.

"Soon", he whispered, and it melted in his hands.

~*~

Each of the generals returned, as promised, a few days later, each with one hundred men and women, each of them ready to die for the cause of the Clockwork Hand. Explain why they were ready. The poor fools were marched into the Wizard's Tower, expecting to be trained, and end the whole campaign with wealth and valuables to their heart's content. They, as was ordered, were put into the vast amoury beneath the Tower. The generals, up in the front lines, lead by the dark Wizard and his strange ticking, went in also, and walked straight into their doom.

"My friends!" the Clockwork Hand shouted suddenly, as all of the fools were in the armoury, itching to get suited up, "I thank you for your support and your belief in our grand plan. You have now got an even more important role within it " and with that, he closed the massive doors of the room, leaving the men and women to scream for escape. Chaos erupted in the room and they banged on the doors, trying to break them down. The Clockwork Hand started an incantation, one of evil design and purpose:

All those in the Abyss
I set thee free,
grant me a favor
take this offering
and revel in the freedom you have!

Really nice
Suddenly, there came aagonised screaming from the other side of the gigantic doors which reverberated around the cavernous corridor, and out to the wastelands, where they were carried on the winds.
~*~

In the land of Terrabyss of the seven rivers, where the dead rejoin with the Gods after the judgment of Nomos and Physis, Nomos of Reason and Intel of the Pencil and Ruler were keeping vigil over Summer's Abyss, the dark place of misery and torment for those who dare break the laws and sanctions of the Gods. Watch those run-on sentences, if there are any more they'll be purple. Intel was there instead of Physis, as Physis went missing on the World a few moons before. As they were sitting in the perpetual peace of Terrabyss, that peace was shattered by an almighty crack from the edges of the Abyss. Massive cracks formed all around as it grew wider, when, suddenly, the green, whispy forms of the damned spirits started poking through and drifting into the darkening sky and entering the World. Dumbstruck, the two Gods ran to the Great Castle on the Edge of the Sea.
"What is happening?!" cried Intel to Nomos as they ran.

"The Damned are escaping. Something powerful is happening on the World, disrupting the Etneral Balance and breaking all laws we Gods hold dear".

And so, darkness desended upon Terrabyss. The animals and creatures who still remained there turned and fled from their homes, flowers closed their fragile petals to the darkening sun and the rietous spirits cowered in fear at the sight of this new and awesome threat. Inside the halls of the Great Castle, the World itself started to tip, slowly but surely and it took the strength of half of the assembled Gods to shore it up, and keep it from destruction. ~*~
Inside the armoury of the Tower, the green whisps settled amongst the tens of thousends of pieces of amour and weaponary, with more and more of them coming every second to claim their new life. Suddenly, all went quiet. The green illumination faded over the black charcole that littered a large part of the stone floor. Suddenly a small creaking noise came from all corners of the room. Suits of armour of all conditions and parts stood, gleaming rustily and greenishly, ready for their orders. The Army of Darkness was born.

*ominous music*
Haha! I thought this was a nice beginning, good characterisation but you need to work a little on your sentence structure. Nothing big, just some minor switches! Happy writing ~

Hi there!! I thought this piece was very interesting! I'd love to read more if you add on to it!

Keep Writing!

--Jalmoc

Hiya!
Here for a review! Just a few nit-o-picks

almighty leader

Umm... I would change almighty, sounds a bit stuffy...

have took over the whole

Took should be taken

They started arguing amonst themselves. Some wanted to go back to their parts of the World until their clamour filled the Halls of the old wizard's tower.

This is kind of awkward and hard to understand, it doesn't flow very well. If they are arguing there should be two sides to the fight, not just some wanting to go home. I would try something like:

Some of the General's wanted to return to their own parts of the world while the others remained loyal to their orders. A heated argument broke out amongst themselves, their clamor filling the halls of the old wizard's tower.

Or something to that effect.

exclaimed Abercrombie, of the Swamps of T'Gar, where strange little lights lead the unwary and ignorant to their doom and destruction

"exclaimed Abercrombie" is the dialogue tag and then you go off on a detailed description of where he's from, making it not flow right. Try:

exclaimed Abercrombie. He was of the Swamps of T'Gar, a place where strange little lights lead the unwary and ignorant to their doom and destruction.
Then start a new paragraph.

men their nodded

Should be there

When they had gone, the Clockwork Hand drifted down into his armoury, which was littered with pile upon pile of rusting and decaying armour and weaponary, carelessly thrown aside, as building blocks which children play with, when the children get bored, they leave them on the floor for mother to pick up, and that was the state of the armour. He picked up a helmet from the mess and held it in the half light, where it shone grimly.

I really like the above paragraph a lot, I just think you should re-word the part I put in red a little bit. It's lengthy, and again takes away from the flow of the story.

aagonised screaming

agonized screaming

Ok, now that that's out of the way I'd like to say I hate nit-picking because it makes me feel like the bad guy, but on the other hand I love getting people to nitpick my stories.
I think you have a great start, I mean, pretty unique (the whole clock idea is pretty neat), though, lol, I kept picturing the scene in Lord of the Rings where they get help from the cursed dead. Keep up the good work and just let me know if you have any questions!
~DakotaKnight