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Luperca



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Mon May 23, 2011 5:46 pm
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Kale says...



Spoiler! :
Genre: Historical
Element: Twins

You never said it had to be Historical Fiction, so I went with Historical Fantasy, and whenever you write Historical Fantasy, why, you simply must include some reference to Classical mythology, so to Rome we go.

Enjoy. :3


Luperca
Blood.
Death.
All she can smell.
Blood. Death. Not hers. Not hers.
Her children’s. Theirs.
-=-=-=-
They came in the morning while she was out fetching meat, fresh meat for her children, her barely-weaned children. The deer had been downed so far away, too far away to reach the den in time, too far away, too far away to save her children, but close enough to hear and smell her children die.
They came in the morning, came and killed, and in the evening, while they slept like her children had slept, she came and killed them all.
-=-=-=-
She howls to the moon, cries to Diana, to Ceres, to Gaia, to any who listen to a mother’s broken heart. She howls to the moon with all her might, with all her soul, and no one answers.
All her children are dead.
All her children. Dead.
-=-=-=-
The bird would not leave her be.
It followed her everywhere, from the river to her den, during her hunts, during her rests, watching her eat, watching her sleep, watching, watching, watching, watching.
She had had enough. She would catch the bird and eat it and end the watching.
-=-=-=-
She lies in wait, pretends to sleep, pretends to dream a violent dream of blood and death and loneliness. And when the bird hops down to take a closer look, she pounces and feels feathers between her paws, but the bird slips away.
She growls and she snaps, but this time she misses, and she expects the bird to fly away and escape.
But it doesn’t. It hops away on brittle legs, and she sees its wounded wing.
She smiles.
So begins the hunt.
-=-=-=-
She followed the bird as it hopped from olive bush to olive bush, trying to hide, failing to hide. Though she could not see the bird in the tangled overgrowth, she could still smell it, always smell it, and hear its rapid heart, beating, blood rushing just like hers, but not for long.
She could taste the blood already, warm and tart, running over her teeth and tongue and down her throat as she closed her jaws over the bird one final time. One final time.
She could still taste their blood on her tongue, hear their screams in her pointed ears, smell their fear on her fur. The bird would taste much better, sound much better, smell much better as it died, but only if she caught it.
And she would catch it.
-=-=-=-
The bird flits to another bush, its wounded wing dragging through the leaves, music to her hunter’s ears set to the rush of water from the river close by.
She follows close behind, hidden, waiting for the perfect chance to pounce again.
She sees it, pounces, traps the bird between her paws, reaches down with open jaws to claim her kill, but hears a loud cry close by.
She jumps, startled, and the bird escapes, flying off across the river, no wounded wing in sight. But she does not dwell on the bird’s trick. The cry is louder now and joined by another, and she would see their source.
The wind blows towards her and she scents no great danger, so she crawls on her belly through the scrub towards the sound, ready to run or fight and kill, and comes across two human children, barely weaned and wailing, lying on the bank of the river, the scent of their mother days old. One looks up and sees her, stops crying, reaches out to her with a smile and a wet whine.
She waits. The one crawls towards her, and before she can back away, it is on her and cooing and nuzzling for milk, and the second is on her too and pushing his brother out of the way, pulling at her fur and tail all the while.
But she does not mind. They are her children now.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
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Tue May 24, 2011 12:27 am
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DakotaK says...



Hello,
I enjoyed reading your story, it was really a different writing style than I'm used to, which was an unexpected surprise (in a good way). I love reading stories about animals, especially wolves. You did an awesome job portraying that it was a wolf the story was about, not a human, and you really got into the character. It kind of reminds me of the roman legend that Romulus and Remus were raised by wolves, or the jungle book:) I liked how you used the "trickster" raven or bird, whatever it was, to lead the she-wolf to the abandoned babies. Keep up the good work!
~DakotaK

EDIT: Oh, I just read the spoiler, so I saw the rome part, sorry!
~DK
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

novel.php?id=1142
  





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Tue May 24, 2011 3:32 am
GryphonFledgling says...



Oh, freakin' amazing.

The repetition in this story really got to me. It was just enough to create a really powerful mood, an animalistic mindset, without being overpowering or annoying.

One looks up and sees her, stops crying, reaches out to her with a smile and a wet whine.

Mmm, this was the only thing that really bothered me. While I don't doubt that the kids are hungry, what made them decide that the wolf was going to be able to help? I mean, "weaned" for a human can be anywhere from a few months to a year or more old (and I seriously just read way too much about breastfeeding to acquire that knowledge) and by that time, kids can start to develop fears. I mean, this thing just popped out of the bushes, is big, unfamiliar, and definitely not human. I would think the kid would be a little freaked out by it, rather than instantly assuming that it is something to get food from. And even if he were to decide that she was food-providing:

One looks up and sees her, stops crying, reaches out to her with a smile and a wet whine.

Babies are needy. They will cry until their needs are met, not until there is a sign that their needs will be met. So until that kid has food in his mouth, he is going to keep crying. He's hungry, he's tired, he wants something now, so he is going to make as much noise as possible until he gets it. There is no way he is going to settle down just because there is something new approaching.

Seriously though, this was awesome. Me likies way mucho.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Tue May 24, 2011 8:46 am
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Lumi says...



This is going to be a bad review for a couple of reasons. First of all, I'm still not smelted perfectly to picking apart prose. I can write it and read it, but not really review it well. Second of all, you've knitted this very tightly, and there are only two things that I really want to groan about. Either way, this is a decent piece (not nearly my favorite from you, but good all the same) and deserves some praise. So I've marked it with a gold star up top.

I don't like your line about Gaia and the goddesses--try trimming it down to one or two to be more concise, but keep your symbolism.

Now, I love the tool of repetition. Very primal--very instinctive. You've done a good job of capturing an essence with your rhythm and tribal-drum flow, and I want to commend you for that.

There are, however, two places where you slip off the rails.

Though she could not see the bird in the tangled overgrowth, she could still smell it, always smell it, and hear its rapid heart, beating, blood rushing just like hers, but not for long.


I'm torn on this line because it breaks your rhythm and drags in the first half only to pick up your gimmick once more just after. Play with the first half, "Though she...tangled overgrowth," and try to give it more push.

She sees it, pounces, traps the bird between her paws, reaches down with open jaws to claim her kill, but hears a loud cry close by.


Too much in one sentence to maintain beautiful choppiness. Particularly considering that this contains the most action in this segment, I'd try to make it special, memorable in the way you present it.

In fact, there are several places where more line breaks for emphatic halts would be ideal. Consider playing with "All her children. Dead." and "So begins the hunt," to spice it up. Give some jazz to impress or something.

Also, give Ms. Wolf-Mommy a more painted personality. You say that she feels pain, but I don't relate to her. I feel like you're just missing a note or two among the frontal misery she hits in the beginning.

Anyway, this is awful advice, and I apologize for the fail degree of my suggestions. You did good with this, doubtlessly. Let me know if you have any questions.

-Lumi
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon


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Fri May 27, 2011 9:44 pm
Rosendorn says...



When I miss the point do I ever miss it. Dratted tense shifts. >.>

Spoiler! :
Hey Kyll.

The bird would not leave her be.


This was a pretty rough transition from the death to the twins. I paused here, wondering if it was even the same story. It jerked me right out and, while I managed to get back into it rather quickly, it was still rough.

Past that, the rough transition draws a fair chunk of attention to your use of a bird as a plot device to get her to the twins. That's my biggest complaint about the work, really: you start off with one idea, switch to something totally random, and sorta tie in the end with the original beginning.

It reads like a cheap plot device.

Past the mystery of the bird flying away, which I'm pretty sure is some sort of mythology tie-in so I'm not going to do into depth on it, I got a bit annoyed by the first part of the transition. It's just there. You slowly tie in the blood and fighting and her rage before this, but it feels weak to me. A plot device.

The repetition works, although the way you suddenly make her more focused when hunting— when she seems to be hunting out of the same rage and sorrow that had gotten your narrator repeating things in the first place— seems a bit odd. You go from fragmenting repetition (with the commas) to rambling repetition (no commas), which is a stylistic difference between the two segments. Since these two parts already look like to different plots (past the very end, when you bring in her maternal instinct), the writing style doesn't help matters.

My suggestion is to make the transition less sudden. Try to get them to be the same story, and maybe clear up the bird flying away somehow. Make it less forced, so "twins" isn't an afterthought.

Drop me a line if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey
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Sat May 28, 2011 3:28 am
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carbonCore says...



So this is based on Rome's origin story, yes? The twins Romulus and Remus. I have a book with a whole bunch of wolf-related legends, so I've heard of it before reading this.

My first question: who / what exactly killed her children? I did a little bit of digging and I couldn't find (in the original myth) who would have killed her pups. As a matter of fact, according to at least one variant of the myth, she was already protected from hunters by the local population, because she in turn protected their sheep from other wolves-- this rules out humans. Though I didn't think they would be human in the first place, since I doubt Luperca would have found human hunters while they slept without making a huge ruckus at some village. Here, you could argue that the killer's identity isn't a plot point, but the thing is that you make it a plot point by mentioning them sleeping like children and Luperca finding and killing them. You provide too much information for it to be an off-hand comment and not enough information for it to be a plot point, cooking up a cocktail that results only in frustration.

I did not have the same problem as Rosey, with the bird. It didn't feel like a different story at all, actually - it signified the passage of time to me. Some time has passed; Luperca is no longer that saddened over the loss of her children. On that note, while this was an effective device here, Luperca's pups are not ever mentioned again. This bit was jarring to me, that she'd simply kind of forget she ever had children of her own. --and at the same time, there's still a prevailing scent of tragedy throughout the prose, even after the children are killed. So take this paragraph as an observation rather than suggestion, since it's conceivable you fully intended the lack of references to her dead children.

One final thing that jumped out at me: you say she "scents no great danger", yet at the same time, she gets ready to "run or fight and kill". These two clash against each other a bit. It's something I'd expect from a narrative by a rabid animal (and as insane as Luperca is for weaning human children, she's the very opposite of rabid), and so it doesn't fit at all into the rest of the story.

Overall: nicely done. This seems less like an adaptation of the myth and more like a completely new story that's mildly inspired by the myth. For instance, there's no mention (or, indeed, allusion) to Rome; kind of an important plot point in the original work. I'll bring up the bird again: the bird was a shockingly effective device, in that it flew off at a certain point. But it's not to anyone who isn't familiar with the myth. It WOULD be if you mentioned what the twins are destined to do; that instantly explains what the bird was. It was a guide, it showed Luperca to the two most important beings in her existence, to the two beings responsible for quite a lot of world history. As it is? The bird's just a bird that happened to fly off when Luperca found the children.

Your shepherd,
cC
_
  





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Sun May 29, 2011 12:34 pm
Octave says...



So Kyll. I don't know if you know, but I have this thing against reading notes placed before the story. So naturally, I ignored the spoiler. =D

Luperca

Blood.

Death.

All she can smell.

Blood. Death. Not hers. Not hers.

Her children’s. Theirs.

Okay. So in my opinion, the first two sentences were good, if not a bit gimmicky and dramatic. By the third sentence, however, I felt as if it was too huge a gimmick and wanted to quit. It feels as if you're trying too hard for my attention, you know? I think you could deal with using longer sentences by that point because the rhythm is so short and choppy it feels unnatural and forced.

-=-=-=-

They came in the morning while she was out fetching meat, fresh meat for her children, her barely-weaned children. There is too much repetition, repetition which gets annoying, annoying in that it ticks off the reader, the reader who needs to stay with your story. o.e Too much is not good. The deer had been downed so far away, too far away to reach the den in time, too far away, too far away to save her children, but close enough to hear and smell her children die. II know it's supposed to be the style of the piece, but noo. It just doesn't work. It's overdone. o.e

They came in the morning, came and killed, and in the evening, while they slept like her children had slept, she came and killed them all. Okay. This time, it works.

-=-=-=-

She howls to the moon, cries to Diana, to Ceres, to Gaia, to any who'll listen to a mother’s broken heart. She howls to the moon with all her might, with all her soul, and no one answers.

All her children are dead.

All her children. Dead.
AAAAACK. I got it the first time. The first paragraph was sort of okay, but these last two are grinding the shards of my patience into fine dust.


-=-=-=-

The bird would not leave her be.

It followed her everywhere, from the river to her den, during her hunts, during her rests, watching her eat, watching her sleep, watching, watching, watching, watching.

She had had You might want to revise this so you won't have to use had twice in succession. enough. She would catch the bird and eat it and end the watching.

-=-=-=-

She lies in wait, pretends to sleep, pretends to dream a violent dream of blood and death and loneliness. And when the bird hops down to take a closer look, she pounces and feels feathers between her paws, but the bird slips away.

She growls and she snaps, but this time she misses, and she expects the bird to fly away and escape.

But it doesn’t. It hops away on brittle legs, and she sees its wounded wing.

She smiles.

So begins the hunt. ...Wouldn't it end? The bird is injured and it can't fly. It's hers. oo"

-=-=-=-

She followed the bird as it hopped from olive bush to olive bush, trying to hide, failing to hide. Though she could not see the bird in the tangled overgrowth, she could still smell it, always smell it, and hear its rapid heart, beating, blood rushing just like hers, but not for long.

She could taste the blood already, warm and tart, running over her teeth and tongue and down her throat as she closed her jaws over the bird one final time. One final time. I'm not sure why she hasn't already eaten it. Why she's still playing with her food. Technically, wouldn't her animal instinct lead her to just eat it?

She could still taste their blood on her tongue, hear their screams in her pointed ears, smell their fear on her fur. The bird would taste much better, sound much better, smell much better as it died, but only if she caught it.

And she would catch it. Why hasn't she caught it yet?

-=-=-=-

The bird flits to another bush, its wounded wing dragging through the leaves, music to her hunter’s ears set to the rush of water from the river close by. Dangling modifier? I read that as her ears were set to the rush of water from the river close by. o0

She follows close behind, hidden, waiting for the perfect chance to pounce again.

She sees it, pounces, traps the bird between her paws, reaches down with open jaws to claim her kill, but hears a loud cry close by.

She jumps, startled, and the bird escapes, flying off across the river, no wounded wing in sight. But she does not dwell on the bird’s trick. The cry is louder now and joined by another, and she would see their source.

The wind blows towards her and she scents Clever. no great danger, so she crawls on her belly through the scrub towards the sound, ready to run or fight and kill, and comes across two human children, barely weaned and wailing, lying on the bank of the river, the scent of their mother days old. One looks up and sees her, stops crying, reaches out to her with a smile and a wet whine.

She waits. The one crawls towards her, and before she can back away, it is on her and cooing and nuzzling for milk, and the second is on her too and pushing his brother out of the way, pulling at her fur and tail all the while.

But she does not mind. They are her children now.


Okaaaaay. So I looked at the other reviews and it seems as if I'm the only one irked by the repetition. I guess it's a YMMV thing, but I honestly think it's too much. It works for a while but...eh. I don't know. After a while it just felt as if you were trying to bash the same information into my head over and over again, and I couldn't stand that. oo" The short sentence structures and fragments work if you're going for a primal feel, and I seriously think you should cut back a bit on the repetition anyway.

There isn't much I can say about this, aside from that and what I mentioned about the bird's wing and her not killing it right away. It doesn't make sense. It feels as if you need the wolf to keep the bird alive and so you're letting the wolf keep the bird alive. You'll want to fix that, I think. It doesn't really make much sense either that the bird wants to help the children but it's a myth, so I'll let that one slide.

So I wish I had more to say but I don't. oo" That's all I have, really. ^^" Anyway, you know where I am if you need me~

-Octave
Last edited by Octave on Tue May 31, 2011 1:25 am, edited 2 times in total.
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

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Sun May 29, 2011 3:58 pm
Justagirl says...



Aaaaw! I love this story!

I saw no problems with it and I really love the way the whole thing is put together. It all agrees with itself and there's plot and great grammar and everything!
I'm so glad that she found new children in the end... Yay :)

Keep writing,
Alzora
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Mon May 30, 2011 10:40 am
ilovemyboys says...



Hey! I liked this, it was a great read!
I didn't realize she was a wolf until you said something about her fur. But it was nice all the same. The intro at the beginning where you talk about the blood and death really created a scene which I liked very much (I know, I know, thats kinda messed up to enjoy a scene of blood)
Anyway!
The last part with the two children (I'm guessing Romulus and Remus) was very sweet and the line "they are her children now" was sweet :)
Keep writing!
Georgie x
They don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart
Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin
-Skin, Sixx:A.M
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:32 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Kyll, here for a review!

As you already know, this was a great story and Azila and I really liked it. ;) I thought it was a very clever way of introducing the Romulus and Remus myth without the reader initially knowing. When I reached the ending, I was like, "Hey! I know what all this is about! That's where the Historical and Twins elements come in!" So all in all, very cleverly done and an enjoyable, intriguing read.

However, the style was a bit too choppy in places. I realize you're going for that hunted animal-type voice, where everything is pretty simple and mono-focused, but having so many short sentences or single words in a small amount of space made the story lose some of its flow and rhythm. It could have had longer sentences in some places, but that's not a huge deal.

My other nitpick would be the end; I loved it, but it felt very quick. She stumbles upon the two humans, and each species is immediately drawn to each other? I mean, wouldn't the child be a little wary of something that's so big, and if she's covered in blood and such then wouldn't there be even more reason to be nervous? And, on the other side, wouldn't she see them as being meat? She's been following the bird around in the hopes of catching and killing it, and now she's stumbled upon two helpless infants, who also happen to be of the same species that killed her own pups. It seems a bit quick to have the child crawl over and start suckling and for her to accept them so quickly.

Really, though, there's not much for me to critique; this is an excellent piece, and a pleasure to read. Thanks again for entering! Cheers. =)
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Mon Jun 27, 2011 1:21 pm
Hiadel says...



Hey,

I really liked how the tone fit well with the tempo of the story going from this woman being a human and slowly over time transforming into a wolf. You wrote the transition with language that did not betray it and left people to their own thoughts before the dark idea set in on them. Also, the poetic wording in some of the lines is fantastic.

All her children are dead.
All her children. Dead.


I really liked this set; its really hard to find a home for repetition like this, but this story is the right place for it. The tone fits it.
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