Young Writers Society

“Sir, are you alright?” said the boy from the top of the stairs looking down on me, a man of great age. I have lived through many times, seen terrible thing, done what I thought I’d never do, and he asks if I am alright?
“Yes,” I said in mu dusty voice. My voice was just as dusty as all the other things in this massive library. “Now, what book were you looking for?”
The boy looks hesitant as if he wants to insist that I not try climbing the stairs, yet I can see the desire in his eyes for the wanted and coveted old book that he seeks.
“I’m looking for a book named Bethaessale. You said you knew where it was?” for some reason he said the last sentence as a question, as if he wasn’t quite sure I did know where it was. I had lived here for more than ninety years, more than he will probably ever live to see, especially if he’s asking for Bethaessale. I’ve known many who pass by this way wanting to get a glimpse of that page with such valuable information that anyone who laid eyes on it soon ended up dead. Of course, that is why I continue to live.
“This way.” I breathe out in a cross between a whisper and a wheeze. The boy follows me at a good pace behind, though not too far behind as to lose the little light there was from the lantern I carried. He still looked hesitant, which I wouldn’t blame him for. He was entering a dangerous game.
We come upon the right shelf, far from the place we started at the grand entrance. I slowly tug at the massive tomb and pull it down onto the little table put there for just such occasions like this one. I watched as the boys eyes lit up with excitement as I slowly turned the pages to one he sought. I come upon the page.
“Now,” I wheezed, this time a definite wheeze for being out of breath, “I must warn you before you go on, if you read what I am about to show you, you most certainly will die.”
The boy bravely looked me in the face and nodded understanding. His eyes showed that he did not, that he was just a boy who thought nothing bad could happen to him. But complete understanding was not in my contract, only acceptance. I move out of the way so the boy can look at the page in all its glory. Overwhelmed with what he saw he began breathing hard and I noticed a sweat break out on his brow. Light illuminated from the page enveloping the boy. His head was thrown back and he let out a ferocious scream like never I heard before. His eyes rolled back and he collapsed on the floor, dead. Just like all the others.
Slowly I close the book and put it back on the shelf. Turning away from the boy-no-more I make my way downstairs to wait. Though hundreds pass by each year, always dying, I keep waiting. I wait for the hero that will deliver us from our plague of darkness. I wait for a hero to beat this game; The Game of Books.

Dang. That was pretty epic. The whole thing had a heavy, mysterious, melancholy, almost revengeful tone.

I kind of feel the need for this story to continue on. Are you planning on writing a sequel?

I aslo think that the game itself is a little vague. What is it exactly? What are the rules? Who wins? Who loses? What role does this old man play in the game?

I thought it was really good though, very enticing. It had a good finale, but it made me want to know more.

Hey there, Djinn! Wow, it’s awesome to see your name popping up all over the site already since you’ve joined!

Maybe it’s just the fact that I spent a good portion of yesterday in bed and sick, playing Final Fantasy but for some strange reason, this feels like a very dark version of a Final Fantasy cut scene. Two things though about those cut scenes. One, they’re usually really short (as is the case with this) and if you pull it out of context, it won’t make a whole lot of sense.

What that’s really saying is that I would love to see more of this! It feels like a prologue to a very dark fantasy novel which is nice. But you do leave a lot of questions unanswered like what does “Bethaessale” mean and does anyone ever actually win the game. What’s that mans connection to the book? How is the book keeping him alive? I think if you took the time to answer these, you would have a wonderful little novella on your hands.

If you do decide to expand this a bit further, I would love to read more of this so if you do need any further reviews on anything related to this, I would be happy to review it.

~lilymoore

I'd love to see more. This is a very good story, and I like the was you wrote it. There is no problem on your plot I can see, all it need is a bit of editting.

The boy looks hesitant as if he wants to insist that I not try climbing the stairs, yet I can see the desire in his eyes for the wanted and coveted old book that he seeks.

Your problem is you say the story in past tense and then present again. It keep on changing.
Also,

'..as if he want to insist that I not try climbing the stairs yet I.....'

should be changed to

... as if he want to insist I don't try climbing the stairs yet I .....''

Other then these, I love your story. I really hope you write a sequel.

Hello Djinn!

To start off, I'd like to say that I loved how you built the story up to the climax and the revealed the missing information at the end. It made it feel really epic. I'd really like to see a conitunation of this, I think this has the potential to be a really good story.

This story is also really mysterious, you haven't given us all the information yet. We don't know the old man's name. We don't know how he got caught up in the contract or anything much really. So, a sequel would really fill in those gaps. I'd also really like to know more about this 'Game of the Books' it sounds like something that has a long history behind it. I think that you can tell us a bit more about how the book works. Why does it kill people the way it's doing now?

So, with the story, it's really mysterious and there are lots of unanswered questions regarding the world the story is set in. I guess my main point is, I think that you can expand on this.

Your grammar was pretty good, although I caught a typo here:

Djinn wrote:“Yes,” I said in my dusty voice.

Keep writing!

Wow... it is the first one I read here on The Young Writers Society. And I love this one. I am reading alone in my room and I felt my goosebumps. I have many questions in my mind just like others feel and I would love, we would love if you continue this story .. Nice one

"Sir, are you alright?" said the boy from the top of the stairs looking down on me, a man of great age.Too many things going on in one sentence. @@" You might want to chop this into two. It took me a while to understand it, and it's pretty clunky as it is. I have lived through many times Lived through what? Or do you mean he lived long?, seen terrible things (or alternatively, seen a terrible thing), done what I thought I'd never do, and he asks if I am alright?

"Yes," I said in my dusty Take it out cause you repeat yourself in the next sentence voice. My voice was just as dusty as all the other things in this massive library. "Now, what book were you looking for?"

The boy looks hesitant as if he wants to insist that I not try climbing the stairs, yet I can see the desire in his eyes for the wanted and coveted old book that he seeks. If it's coveted it's definitely wanted.

"I'm looking for a book named Bethaessale. You said you knew where it was?" For some reason he said the last sentence as a question, as if he wasn't quite sure I did know where it was. Sentence is clunky. Revise. I had lived here for more than ninety years, more than he will probably ever live to see, especially if he's asking for Bethaessale. I'd known many who pass by this way wanting to get a glimpse of that page with such valuable information that anyone who laid eyes on it soon ended up dead. Infodump. Quite discreet. =] Of course, that is why I continue to live. ..People die and he lives? You officially have my interest.

"This way." I breathe out in a cross between a whisper and a wheeze. The boy follows me from a good pace behind, though not too far behind as to lose the little light there was from the lantern I carried. He still looked hesitant, which I wouldn't blame him for. He was entering a dangerous game.

We came upon the right shelf, far from the place we started at the grand entrance. I slowly tugged (If he tugged at it no doubt it's going slowly.) at the massive tomb and pulled it down onto the little table put there for just such occasions like this one. I watched as the boy's eyes lit up with excitement as I slowly turned the pages to the one he sought. I came upon the page. Personally I think you could do without this last sentence.

"Now," I wheezed, this time a definite wheeze for being out of breath, "I must warn you before you go on, if you read what I am about to show you, you most certainly will die." How dramatic of him. :/ I feel as if it's a bit cliched and is thus a little worrying, considering how well you're doing so far. I think you can do better. ^^

The boy bravely looked me in the face and nodded understanding. His eyes showed that he did not, that he was just a boy who thought nothing bad could happen to him. But complete understanding was not in my contract, only acceptance. I moved out of the way so the boy can look at the page in all its glory. Question. Why doesn't the old guy die when he looks at the page? Overwhelmed by what he saw, he began breathing hard and I noticed a sweat break out on his brow. Light illuminated from the page enveloping the boy. His head was thrown back and he let out a ferocious scream like never I heard before. His eyes rolled back and he collapsed on the floor, dead. Just like all the others.

Slowly I closed the book and put it back on the shelf. Turning away from the boy-no-more I made my way downstairs to wait. Though hundreds pass by each year, always dying, I kept waiting. I waited for the hero that would deliver us from our plague of darkness. I waited for a hero to beat this game; The Game of Books.

Nitpicky, but if he didn't get rid of the body, wouldn't the place stink up with decomposing bodies? Wouldn't people freak when they saw all the skulls underneath?

I think this could also stand to use some more description. You'd want to give the reader something to latch to, whether it's the mossy corridors they walk through or the musty smell of the books. Maybe you just want to give a sense of foreboding and describe how the darkness seems to nibble away at the lantern's light. I don't know what you want, but you definitely need to put some more description in here. ^^"

Also, this feels more like a prologue to me than a short story. If this is a short story, there isn't much plot to it so it's really more of a snippet. ^^" As a prologue, I can tell this isn't where your story starts, but it's an interesting premise, to be sure.

Your biggest problem lies in your tendency to use unnecessary words. You tend to repeat things, and it's not a stylistic thing where you realize you're repeating them, but more of an unconscious thing. Maybe you could read through the whole thing again and try to see where you can cut out things that aren't really needed. This isn't really a big deal, but it could help strengthen your prose. Also, you managed to cram in a lot of information in that short piece, so bravo, but I think this piece could do with a little more conflict.

You have a protagonist, obviously. (The boy.) You have a goal. Unfortunately, he gets there with no big problem. If this is to truly stand alone as a short story, there should be some degree of conflict. Maybe it's internal - he's afraid of the book and hesitates and wonders and stuff. I don't know, but this really feels more like a scene than an actual story for me. oo"

On a side note, the old man's characterization is vague. The voice is also a little lacking, but at least it's there and it feels somewhat authentic. You might want to give me more insight to your narrator's personality and his thoughts, though. It's a little empty as it stands.

I wish I had more to say but I don't. Not really, anyway. I'm too busy thinking about the premise to really be able to dispense good advice. ^^" If you ever need someone to ask questions or talk to, feel free to PM me, all right?

Sincerely,

Octave

I enjoyed this, will the main genre for this be horror or action/adventure? I'm hoping both. Giving a story multiple genres is an easy way to make it more interesting. Some people may see it as confusing, but if you make it flow while having multiple genres (and/or multiple plots) it makes it more interesting. And sometimes confusing the reader is a good thing, I suppose, as it will make the twists harder to see coming. Just not too confusing. Anyway, nice story, can't wait to read more Oh and sorry if I rambled... Everyone has their different styles, so I'm just giving some suggestions, have a good day!
-IKnowAll

This sounds almost like something I'd read from one of my 40K novels. It's dark, it's grim, and it doesn't give you all the information you want right until the very end. Not even there really. I want to read more.
You used the word "tomb" when I think "tome" is what you are looking for, but at the same time "tomb" works quite well with the flow of the story.
The only other criticism I offer is that you keep jumping between tenses. I do the same thing sometimes and I don't notice until I proof read. Best bet is probably to do just that.
But like I said, I enjoyed what you wrote and I'd like to see more. Good luck!

I really really enjoyed reading this. I also really want to read more. It kept me hanging until the very end, and even then left me hanging. So I suggest that you continue writing this. The narrator is a very interesting character. I can see him being a very opinionated person, and that would effect that way he tells the story. I would love to see how he perceives this "contract" of his, as well as what he thinks of this "hero" once he arrives. Ah- this could just be a very intriguing story. Also the only mistake I saw is in the beginning, you use "mu" where it should be "my".

Wow! I love this. There were a few little grammar things you should probably edit, but the story is good so far. I hope you write more of it. I like the way the narrator is a grumpy old guy, too. Seriously, write more. I totally want to read it.

This was most certainly intriguing! Mysterious, dark and yet it ends quite hopeful! I'd like to know more though - you should keep this story rolling! Your grammatic errors have been pointed out so you should fix that up and then, ehm... well, I just wanted to say I totally loved this and I want you to keep writing, cause I really want to read more

Oh yeah, almost forgot! I'm going toi reward you with... wait for it... 4 out of five icky spider, but wait - you get one big, hairy one too!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness