Young Writers Society

My grandmother used to tell me a story about a young girl who lived in a small village named cornwald, the village lay nestled in between two large mountains and was very much shut away from the outside world. The village was nothing special, at first glance it seemed as it was, plain, poor and rundown. The people of the village were no better, much like the village they were plain, poor and extremely superstitious. They wore their clothes inside-out, their shoes on the wrong feet and put ion scissors under their bed pillows. All in the hopes of keeping away what they called “Little Wee Men”. Now this girl, who I mentioned before, believed nothing of the stories her mother would often tell her at night, She would laugh when her mother warned her being stolen away at night, for lack of a scissors under her pillow.

When out with her friends, she would purposely step on toadstools (which were said to be sacred to the “Little Wee Men”) just to watch her companion’s reactions. It so happened that one day, the girl’s mother asked of her a favor; wood was needed for the fire, as winter was approaching; and her father and brother being away working on the fields no one else was left to go but she. Before leaving, her mother once again warned the young girl to take precautions and as usual the girl laughed loudly before leaving. Being in the forest for some time, the young girl was happily searching for wood when she heard a sound, much like a flute, off in the distance. Curious she set off to find the source of the wonderful music. After some time of tireless searching she finally came upon a clearing in the dense forest. The young girl gasped softly at the seat which she now beheld.

In the clearing there was a small group of people, or so they seemed to be at first glance, laughing and dancing in such a way that the girl had never seen. As she continued to stare, a woman in the strange group caught sight of her and beckoned. Approaching , she was finally able to see the beings completely. They were beautiful in the extreme, yet with sharp inhuman features, the ends of their eyes where tilted upward and the tips of their ears were long and pointed. The clothes they wore seemed to be made of nothing but air and at touch was softer then the softest feather. Now these “people” knew all about the young girl, particularly about her opinion on the “Little Wee men”. Being of mischievous nature, the woman, which had beckoned to the young girl previously, now invited her into their party. All at once she was surrounded by other persons all offering her food and drinks of the most beautiful kind. So the young girl having not wisdom and even less common sense, eat everything offered to her.

Seized by the power of this other worldly food, she began to forget about everything, for her nothing existed outside of this joyful party. There was no longer a pile of wood waiting to be taken home, no mother waiting worried for her daughter to return. Time passed and she continued to dance and eat amongst these beings, completely unaware of how much time was passing around her. The young girl was never found, some say she continues to dance in the same spot, unable to stop herself. Others say she was taken into the Fearie realm to be taught a lesson. And the more practical people of Cornwald assume she was merely dragged away by a wild animal….

Whoah! Hey there Marci, that sure is one huge chunk of text you have ther!

And that bulk of text is actually my main comment or, well, my only comment outside of the fact that you have a few typos.

Looking at this is very difficult because you lack paragraphs. And paragraphs really make reading a lot easier. I caught myself having to go back in and search for my place several times because it’s just difficult to look at. More importantly, dialogue allows you to explore this story a little more. You have a skeleton of a story set up here. Put in some detail. Add some dialogue.
Prokaryote wrote a wonderful story two years ago yesterday actually that I still recommend as an exemplary short story. And I recommend you read “Tube of Terror” Part 1 and Part 2 as an example. He uses lots of dialogue and describes his setting well which is something that writing a fantasy story allows you a lot of power. Build on what you already have. Describe the girl and give her a name. Explore the setting. Instead of just saying “she did this,” detail how she did it. Expand the folklore that you have here and you’ll have a really wonderful short story because I do rather love this story line, no matter how many times I read it because it’s a classic plot! Just find a really interesting way to present it to the readers!

Good luck and the best of writing, Marci! If you have any questions, you can always leave a message on my wall or leave me a private message!

Hello MarciEvans!

So, you have a very good writing style there, I found the tone quite pleasant and easy to read. However, the paragraphing, as lilymoore has mention is lacking. Paragraphs makes a story a lot easier to read, it also makes the story looks polished and edited. So, I'd suggest you to put in some paragraphs.

The plot was a classic one. However, you have just given us a broad overview of the story here. A touch of detailing would be good, because at the moment this seems like a summary for some sort of book. Someone once told me that it was the little details that made the story believable, the fact that you noticed what colour someone's eyes was or what clothes they wore was what makes people more inclined to believe you. Having said all of that, I'm not saying that this story is unbelievable, I'm just trying to say how profound an effect the little details can have on your story. So, add in description, dialogue, emotions and etc.

I think that you could give us more of a feel what their daily lives were like. You said that the little girl liked to break all the rules, just to watch her companion's reactions. Why is she so insistent on doing this? Is she just born a rebel or is there something else?

So, the main thing I'd have to say is: paragraphing. That is the main thing in this story for me. Details are good, but not compulsory as your writing has such a a pleasant tone already.

This story is one of the few that cover the hole that is mythical creatures such as gnomes leprechauns, etc, etc. I have sadly started to see less and less of this region of fantasy being covered. I do not mean the occasional dragon, but instead for example the precautions that the townspeople take, which is appropriate for the age i would guess it is set in.
I like how you leave the audience wondering what exactly happened to the girl and the "fairy tale" feeling that i get from reading it. On the other hand, i believe you should add a little but more of a rebellious personality to the girl. Its probably just a matter of personal opinion. From a formating point of view, the piece needs indents, but that is me being picky.
In conclusion, i think it is an excellent short and sweet piece of writing that does not need much improvement.