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Human of the Year



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Points: 648
Reviews: 88
Sun May 08, 2011 4:47 pm
lovethelifeulive says...



Human of the Year
Congratulations my dear, you have won.

Spoiler! :
Inspired by Regina Spektor. I hope you will enjoy and will remember to review! Please click the LIKE button! Thank you! Please enjoy!



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She rubbed her fingers against the hem of her dress and fidgeted in her cushy red seat.
Looking at the floor she felt the hollow silence overwhelm her. Flicking her eyes up, a blond haired man with mysterious deep blue eyes and a pointed nose sitting in the fourth row glanced in her direction. HIs nametag read 'XANDER-island of California representative'. Her heart skipped a beat as she let out a hazed breath.

Her freckled cheeks blushed deep pink as she looked up to escape his loving gaze. She took in the cracked gold paint and the stained glass windows of the cathedral. She laughed out loud as she realized the icons on the walls are just old men, causing people around her to stare at her and scowl. Like the ones on the benches in the park, the only difference is that their balding spots are glistening with gold. She told herself.

Suddenly, ever person, each and every one in the crowd, the crowd of hundreds, held their breath as Joseph Grogen walked up to the stage with a red envelope in his hand.

"Good evening, everyone!" he said through the microphone. "I hope you had a decent plane ride."

He let out a false laugh and everyone followed nervously, except her.

"Great, let’s get to it." he continued without hesitation, as if what he was doing was right.
"For years, we have been hosting these awards. Now that it is the year of 2193, we are proud to announce the next human of the year." She felt her stomach drop. Was it possible that she would win? Yet she would defiantly prefer her own life over Xanders.

He opened the velvet envelope.
“The Human of the Year award, will be given to the greatest Human of the Year. The winner will live in happiness and wealth until they die. Only two representatives from each state are chosen, and only the most purest, noblest people are chosen. I wish you all good luck.” He glanced down at the gold encrusted paper and smiled with satisfaction.

"May I congratulate you first? Calling you to the front of the cathedral, you have won Miss Mazarsky Violette, you are the human of the year!" he yelled.

It only took five seconds for her to take in the shock.
"Yes you! Miss representative of California, in the back row!" he grinned. The crowd clapped and screamed, but Violette could barely her them over her terrified thoughts.

Violette stood up, not thinking and mindlessly walked down the pew. She glanced at the woman that sat next to her in her pew. Earlier, the woman told her that life revolved around winning as human of the year. The woman was a brainwashed elder wearing white and silver. Violette was too nervous to laugh at the old woman in pity, for Violette was one of the "Deceivers", they did not believe in Human of the Year.

When she was only seven years of age, my mother cried as she saw the 2179 Human of the Year awards, when a single mother with three children won, she was never to be seen again..

That was when her mother told her, "My dearest one," she sobbed as she caressed Violettes cheek. “Never trust anyone. One day I will be gone and you will be a beautiful woman, I never want you to let those bastards take you away like they did your father.”

The year previous to that, her father was taken by the government and was arrested for being a Deceiver. Violettes mother never remarried after that, soon she went mad and was taken by the government also. “They have to keep the peace”, the officer told Violette. But her mother was a smart woman still, before she was taken, Violette was only eleven and her mother changed Violettes name and gave her to the Deceivers.

She passed by a hundred men and women wearing black today. The Deceivers wear black during the awards, to show that they are not brainwashed like the rest of humanity. Violette wore her own black dress with tiny white polka dots, she even helped Xander pick out his black tux and bright pink tie.

“It’s just like prom…” he told her as she wrapped the tie around his neck and tied it for him. “Don’t worry, darling. It will be over soon and you will have nothing to fear.” He wrapped his hands around her waist, she looked into his kind brown eyes and hugged him back. Violette would let herself believe what he said was true for the moment.

Violette looked up at Joseph Grogen with horror. Even though Deceivers are hidden from the brainwashed, the government knows all about them.

She passed a crying pregnant girl. Her hands gripped her bulging stomach as tears trickled down her chin. She realized that the young woman was wearing all black, and that her tears were tears of joy.

As Violette countinued walking, she noticed a young man sitting in the isle seat of the pew. Her heart skipped a beat in shock as her she saw his long blond hair and angry grey eyes that matched his twitching full lips.

I remember him. Violette thought. She recognized him from high school, her so called "high school sweetheart". At the end of the year, he found her living in the small abandoned wearhouse in Brooklyn. The day her saw her sitting in a circle, holding hands with the most wanted Decievers in New York, he confronted her. Violette then realized how brainwashed he was.

"I thought you wear different, forgiving and understanding. But I guess I was wrong." The sound of her rage from five years ago still rang in her ears. He later threatened to give her to the government. But she simply called authority and explained that he used a weapon to inflict pain on himself.

She could remember the nights when he sat in her bathroom and she covered her makeup over his wrists. After that phone call, he was taken to jail for two years, as she heard.

"It's what you desirve." he mumbled so silently, it was hardly audiable. She noticed that he was not wearing the white tux that the brainwashed wear, but the classic black tuxedo. It seemed that jail had opened his eyes. Violette thought. He knew that she was going to die, as well as she did, just like Xander and the pregnant woman knew.

As she continued to walk, she saw a red-headed girl smiling in her pew.

"Irina?" she whispered.

"Yes, Violette! You remembear me?" he voice was thick with a Russian accent. "Congratulations, you look vonderful!"

She truly felt happy for Violette, she wore a yellow and lavender spring dress. Did Irina not remember the the winner was perfect? Utterly pure and always right? Did she not remember middle school? When Violette chanted with the rest of seventh grade 'Gingers have no souls! Russians have no souls!''? Did she not remember her meeting Irina on friday on that cold winter night with fifteen football players and beating her until we left her in the disgusting trash can behind the gym for the police to find her and take her to the hospital to fix her broken ribs and dislocated legs?

Violette walked to the front of the cathedral with tears in her eyes. She looked up to the statue of Jesus on the ceiling. If he really real, were is he? Why isn't he here to help me? she thought. Violette looked back at Xander. His beauty was blinding. His eyes carried pain and his hands shook on his lap.

Violette no longer cared about her death, but how she would leave Xander in this cruel world without her. In the plane ride, Xander lead her to the small bathroom and pushed her against to door and kissed her.

"Violette, I never want to loose you," he said.

"I love you, Xander." Was the only thing she could say.

"Be my wife?" he asked.

"Oh, well isn't this the most romantic place to ask me?" Violette asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Will you? After this whole ordeal, we will run away from Brooklyn, go to France, where you were born." he smiled.

"We'll have babies and live in a vineyard!" she laughed.

"Yes, whatever you want." He kissed her again.

"Okay, but..." Violette frowned. "What if I win?"

"It won't happen, I know it." he smiled with courage.

She stopped infront of the podeum, the palms of her hands sweating and her body trembling.

"No! This isn't fair! You can't do this to her! Take me instead." Violette turned her head to find Xander yelling and jumping with frustration.

"Xander, stop. There is nothing you can do." She hissed.

"Violette, we'll save you! Don't-" Before he could finsh, security gaurds took dragged him out of his pew and towards the door.

Tears swelled in her eyes as she turned back to Grogen, who held an amused smile on his lips.

"Congratulations my dear, you have won." Violette peared into his glossy eyes, afraid of the dangers that awaited her.
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
Love the life u live,
and live the life u love
  





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18 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1711
Reviews: 18
Sun May 08, 2011 7:37 pm
Vari says...



There are a lot of mistakes in this story, you would benefit from running it through a spell-checker beforehand. The story is intriguing though but there is a lot that doesn't make sense. If you can straighten out all the details, I think it will be quite the story to read...

I marked the mistakes that the spell-checker on this site picked up on in red. And I marked my personal opinion about several parts in blue. I hope this helps...

~ Vari


Spoiler! :
She rubbed her fingers against the hem of her dress and fidgeted in her cushy red seat.

Looking at the floor she felt the hollow silence overwhelm her. Flicking her eyes up, a blond haired man with mysterious deep blue eyes and a pointed nose sitting in the fourth row glanced in her direction. His name tag read 'XANDER - island of California representative'. Her heart skipped a beat as she let out a hazed breath. Hazed? Are you certain this is the right term for what you looking for? Is she confused?

Her freckled cheeks blushed a deep pink as she looked up to escape his loving gaze. She took in the cracked gold paint and the stained glass windows of the cathedral. She laughed out loud as she realized the icons on the walls are just old men, causing people around her to stare at her and scowl. Like the ones on the benches in the park, the only difference is that their balding spots are glistening with gold. She told herself. 'She looked up at the ceiling' or the walls are wherever you want her to look may be better. The way it is now gives the impression that she's looking at the floor.

Suddenly, every person, each and every one in the crowd, the crowd of hundreds, held their breath as Joseph Grogen walked up to the stage with a red envelope in his hand.

"Good evening, everyone!" he said through the microphone. "I hope you had a decent plane ride."

He let out a false laugh and everyone followed nervously, except her. Followed what nervously?

"Great, let's get to it." he continued without hesitation, as if what he was doing was right.

"For years, we have been hosting these awards. Now that it is the year of 2193, we are proud to announce the next human of the year." She felt her stomach drop. Was it possible that she would win? Yet she would defiantly prefer her own life over Xanders.

He opened the velvet envelope.

“The Human of the Year award, will be given to the greatest Human of the Year. The winner will live in happiness and wealth until they die. Only two representatives from each state are chosen, and only the most purest, noblest people are chosen. I wish you all good luck.” He glanced down at the gold encrusted paper and smiled with satisfaction. maybe a more elaborate speech?

"May I congratulate you first? Calling you to the front of the cathedral, you have won Miss Mazarsky Violette, you are the human of the year!" he yelled.

It only took five seconds for her to take in the shock.

"Yes, you! Miss representative of California, in the back row!" he grinned. The crowd clapped and screamed, but Violette could barely hear them over her terrified thoughts.

Violette stood up, not thinking and mindlessly walked down the pew. She glanced at the woman that sat next to her in her pew. Earlier, the woman told her that life revolved around winning as human of the year. The woman was a brainwashed elder wearing white and silver. Violette was too nervous to laugh at the old woman in pity, for Violette was one of the "Deceivers", they did not believe in Human of the Year.

When she was only seven years of age, my mother cried as she saw the 2179 Human of the Year awards, when a single mother with three children won, she was never to be seen again..

That was when her mother told her, "My dearest one," she sobbed as she caressed Violette's cheek. “Never trust anyone. One day I will be gone and you will be a beautiful woman, I never want you to let those bastards take you away like they did your father.”

The year previous to that, her father was taken by the government and was arrested for being a Deceiver. Violette's mother never remarried after that, soon she went mad and was taken by the government also. “They have to keep the peace”, the officer told Violette. But her mother was a smart woman still, before she was taken, Violette was only eleven and her mother changed Violette's name and gave her to the Deceivers. How did Violette's mother go mad? Give a reason. Changed her name to Violette, maybe?

She passed by a hundred men and women wearing black today. The Deceivers wear black during the awards, to show that they are not brainwashed like the rest of humanity. Violette wore her own black dress with tiny white polka dots, she even helped Xander pick out his black tux and bright pink tie.

“It's just like prom…” he told her as she wrapped the tie around his neck and tied it for him. “Don't worry, darling. It will be over soon and you will have nothing to fear.” He wrapped his hands around her waist, she looked into his kind brown eyes and hugged him back. Violette would let herself believe what he said was true for the moment.

Violette looked up at Joseph Grogen with horror. Even though Deceivers are hidden from the brainwashed, the government knows all about them.

She passed a crying pregnant girl. Her hands gripped her bulging stomach as tears trickled down her chin. She realized that the young woman was wearing all black, and that her tears were tears of joy.

As Violette continued walking, she noticed a young man sitting in the isle seat of the pew. Her heart skipped a beat in shock as her she saw his long blond hair and angry gray eyes that matched his twitching full lips.

I remember him, Violette thought. She recognized him from high school, her so called "high school sweetheart". At the end of the year, he found her living in the small abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn. The day her saw her sitting in a circle, holding hands with the most wanted Decievers in New York, he confronted her. Violette then realized how brainwashed he was. Try rewriting this last sentence.

"I thought you were different, forgiving and understanding. But I guess I was wrong." The sound of her rage from five years ago still rang in her ears. He later threatened to give her to the government. But she simply called authority and explained that he used a weapon to inflict pain on himself. You can't give someone to the government. Try 'give her name' or 'expose her to the government'.

She could remember the nights when he sat in her bathroom and she covered her makeup over his wrists. After that phone call, he was taken to jail for two years, as she heard. Nights? Plural? He had done it more than once?

"It's what you deserve." he mumbled so silently, it was hardly audible. She noticed that he was not wearing the white tux that the brainwashed wear, but the classic black tuxedo. It seemed that jail had opened his eyes, Violette thought. He knew that she was going to die, as well as she did, just like Xander and the pregnant woman knew. Maybe barely instead of hardly?

As she continued to walk, she saw a red-headed girl smiling in her pew.

"Irina?" she whispered.

"Yes, Violette! You remember me?" he voice was thick with accent. "Congratulations, you look vonderful!"

She truly felt happy for Violette, who looked down at the yellow and lavender spring dress Irina wore. Did Irina not remember the the winner was perfect? Utterly pure and always right? Did she not remember middle school? When Violette chanted with the rest of seventh grade 'Gingers have no souls!''? Did she not remember her meeting Irina on Friday that cold winter night with fifteen football players and beating her until we left her in the disgusting trash can behind the gym for the police to find her and take her to the hospital to fix her broken ribs and dislocated legs? This last part is somewhat confusing. Until is probably not the best word in this sentence.

Violette walked to the front of the cathedral with tears in her eyes. She looked up to the statue of Jesus on the ceiling. If he really real, were is he? Why isn't he here to help me? she thought. Violette looked back at Xander. His beauty was blinding. His eyes carried pain and his hands shook on his lap. Can she see him from this far away? After havig pass hundreds of people?

Violette no longer cared about her death, but how she would leave Xander in this cruel world without her. In the plane ride, Xander lead her to the small bathroom and pushed her against to door and kissed her.

"Violette, I never want to loose you," he said.

"I love you, Xander." Was the only thing she could say.

"Be my wife?" he asked.

"Oh, well isn't this the most romantic place to ask me?" Violette asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Will you? After this whole ordeal, we will run away from Brooklyn, go to France, where you were born." he smiled.

"We'll have babies and live in a vineyard!" she laughed.

"Yes, whatever you want." He kissed her again.

"Okay, but..." Violette frowned. "What if I win?"

"It won't happen, I know it." he smiled with courage.

She stopped in front of the podium, the palms of her hands sweating and her body trembling.

"No! This isn't fair! You can't do this to her! Take me instead." Violette turned her head to find Xander yelling and jumping with frustration. Why did Xander wait until she reached the podium before jumping up? Did he walk there with her?

"Xander, stop. There is nothing you can do." She hissed.

"Violette, we'll save you! Don't-" Before he could finish, security guards dragged him out of his pew and towards the door.

Tears swelled in her eyes as she turned back to Grogen, who held an amused smile on his lips.

"Congratulations my dear, you have won." Violette gazed into his glossy eyes, afraid of the dangers that awaited her.
  





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162 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 12987
Reviews: 162
Sun May 08, 2011 8:17 pm
silentpages says...



"Flicking her eyes up, a blond haired man with mysterious deep blue eyes and a pointed nose sitting in the fourth row glanced in her direction" Lots of description for one sentence. Especially one that goes on to describe an action... Maybe divide it up a little more so that you don't overwhelm the reader?

"Yet she would defiantly prefer her own life over Xanders." I don't understand this sentence. :/

"most purest, noblest people." Ah... This kind of sounds like a little kid trying to say that HIS bike is the bestest, most awesomest bike ever! In other words, purest and noblest is fine. Take out the most. XD

So, she knew Xander before? Because they're both from the same state? :/ Maybe make this more clear? Also, I think it would be good if we learned her name before he reads it off, so that we understand right away that she's the one he's talking about.

"Violette was too nervous to laugh at the old woman in pity, for Violette was one of the "Deceivers", they did not believe in Human of the Year." I would hope that she doesn't laugh! That would be kind of harsh, to laugh at an old lady because you won and she didn't... Also, the line about being a 'Deceiver' is awfully 'tell'ey...

"she noticed a young man sitting in the isle seat of the pew." Aisle.

"She could remember the nights when he sat in her bathroom and she covered her makeup over his wrists." This line confused me a little bit. I understand what you mean now, but I would make it a little more clear.

"Did she not remember her meeting Irina on friday on that cold winter night with fifteen football players and beating her until we left her in the disgusting trash can behind the gym for the police to find her and take her to the hospital to fix her broken ribs and dislocated legs?" This is a little wordy, and also a little... Gah. Why did she join a bunch of guys to do that? Why did she do it?

And why does she have so many old classmates here if they only take two reps from each state (is the world now divided into states instead of countries, or is this just in America?). Her schools must have had some exceptional people... And if her dad was Human of the Year (which I think is what you're implying) then this seems like a LOT of coincidences...

I'm finding it hard to sympathize with your MC... Especially after finding out what she did to Irina. I'm a little confused about what's going on. Why are so many Deceivers representatives if they know what's really going on? Why do they kill the Human of the Year? I'm not really sure what's going on in this story... :/

It has some potential, I think, but you've still got a few things that need to be ironed out. :]

Keep writing! :)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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16 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 16
Sun May 08, 2011 8:35 pm
KCunder says...



Really nice story I think, I can't wait till the next chapter or half. But this part got me confused:
[Quote]"Yes, Violette! You remembear me?" he voice was thick with a Russian accent. "Congratulations, you look vonderful!" [Quote]
Did you mean:
"Yes Violette! You remember me?" he voice was thick with a Russian accent. "Congratulations, you look wonderful!"
In Russia do they say vonderful, or did you mean wonderful? Also, I dont' know how they spell it where you live but here they spell it remember with no "a."
But other than that everythign looks good. Kepp on writing!
~KC Under~ Unique- not weird ;D
  





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61 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3371
Reviews: 61
Wed May 11, 2011 7:17 am
cupcake says...



This is a really good story. I liked it. There are a few mistakes though. Most of them are probably just typos.

lovethelifeulive wrote:Looking at the floor she felt the hollow silence overwhelm her. Flicking her eyes up, a blond haired man with mysterious deep blue eyes and a pointed nose sitting in the fourth row glanced in her direction. His nametag read 'XANDER-island of California representative'. Her heart skipped a beat as she let out a hazed breath.

You capitalized the "i" in "Him" when it didn't need to be.

lovethelifeulive wrote:Suddenly, every person, each and every one in the crowd, the crowd of hundreds, held their breath as Joseph Grogen walked up to the stage with a red envelope in his hand.

You forgot the "y" in "every".

lovethelifeulive wrote:As Violette continued walking, she noticed a young man sitting in the isle seat of the pew. Her heart skipped a beat in shock as her she saw his long blond hair and angry grey eyes that matched his twitching full lips.

"Continued" was misspelled.

lovethelifeulive wrote:At the end of the year, he found her living in the small abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn.

You misspelled "warehouse".

lovethelifeulive wrote:"It's what you deserve." he mumbled so silently, it was hardly audible.

"Deserved" and "audible" were missspelled.

lovethelifeulive wrote:"Yes, Violette! You remember me?" her voice was thick with a Russian accent. "Congratulations, you look vonderful!"

"Remember" was misspelled and you forgot the "r" in "her".

lovethelifeulive wrote:Did she not remember her meeting Irina on Friday on that cold winter night with fifteen football players and beating her until we left her in the disgusting trash can behind the gym for the police to find her and take her to the hospital to fix her broken ribs and dislocated legs?

You forgot to capitalize the "F" in "Friday".

lovethelifeulive wrote:She looked up to the statue of Jesus on the ceiling. If he really real, where is he?

You misspelled "where".

lovethelifeulive wrote:She stopped in(This needs a space here.)front of the podium, the palms of her hands sweating and her body trembling.

"Podium" was misspelled and you forgot the space between "in" and "front".

lovethelifeulive wrote:"Violette, we'll save you! Don't-" Before he could finish, security guards took (I don't think you need this here) dragged him out of his pew and towards the door.

You misspelled "finish" and "guards" and "took" wasn't needed.

Overall, I thought this was a great piece of writing. Keep up the good work! :D
God gives us our relatives - thank God we can choose our friends.
- Ethel Watts Mumford

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
- Walter Winchell

“I’ll Surprise you, I promise”
-Adam Lambert
  








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